This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 19 November 2013

Cristina Odone, the poster girl for today’s Catholics

Pope Francis writes:

Cristina-mania is sweeping through the Catholic Church worldwide. In countries such as Italy, Argentina and even the United States, statues of the Virgin Mary are being thrown out, and replaced by images of Mama Odone.

Odone and Dawkins

Even atheists are starting to warm to Mama Odone.

Part of Cristina's popularity is her liberal attitude. Traditional Catholicism was linked with long-forgotten people such as Jesus Christ, St Mary, St Peter and St Paul, who never spoke of the Spirit of Vatican II. It emphasised sin, forgiveness and redemption. However, Cristina-nity or Crist-inanity, as the new faith is called, stresses the "cuddly" side of religion.

• Telegraph now inserts random garbage in middle of blog posts.
• Tim Stanley, the 17th Doctor Who, the one with the best hairstyle.
• "Chivers" now means rubbish. Get over it.

It's too early to say whether Cristina is really at the helm of a "Vatican Spring", that will revolutionise the Church - maybe it's more of a "Fall of Man". However, thanks to her, "Catholic" is no longer a word to be associated with intelligence, good writing, or a strict sense of logic.

Odd one out game

Sometimes there are no easy answers.

Suddenly, being a Pope feels good. People no longer sneer at me, if I mention my Faith. "You're in the same Church as Cristina Odone, aren't you?" they say, when they bump into me in the street. "Sounds fun. Can anyone join, or do you have to believe something?" Of course I reply that I'm not the best person to answer that - after all, Cristina speaks for six billion Catholics worldwide, even those who are not in the least religious. Not even God can dent this new "Cristina Effect".

Our Lady of Fathead

Our Lady of Fathead - known for making apparitions to the gullible.

7 comments:

  1. This is a two-pronged evangelisation. While Christina is the pilot, we must not forget the brave rear-gunner, Damain, who is gunning for the the remaining pockets of traditional Anglo-Catholicism still fighting the cyber-atheists and the General Synood

    Perhaps Tim will arrive in his Tardis, and reprogram Christina with his sonic screwdriver, and she will repent, and run off to join the sisters of Plenitude.

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  2. darling eccles, Mary Mags poured ointment on Jesus, Cristina O pours something other - is this what they calls 'progress', according to the law of the great prophet Hutber? xx Jess

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  3. Her name used to be Overdone but this was astutely changed to Odone. Well, it's better than Ozone which is holier than thou. Russell Brand wouldn't be Outdone at the New Statesman, either.

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  4. Answers to the multiple choice:
    Q.1 c) the others are "isms".
    Q.2 b) the others are all very stubborn.
    Q.3 a.) the others are all fun.
    Q.4 d.) the other letters a, b & c have gone already.

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  5. I was amazed the other day to receive a phone call from Cristina Odone herself. She introduced herself and said she was phoning from her Daily Telegraph office to enquire about my donkey Matilde, who was recovering from a nose injury. As a famous Catholic media personage, she takes an interest in bloggers - even those who do not entirely agree with her brand of Catholic nihilism - and she asked me how Matilde was reacting to the anti-inflammatory powder on the carrots and the twice daily injections of antibiotics.

    Naturally, I genuflected as soon as I realised who I was speaking to, and stayed on my knees for the entire three hour phone call that followed. Picking up the telephone and calling people out of the blue is no big deal for Cristina Odone, a Daily Telegraph Catholic affairs official has said.
    According to the Telegraph spokesman, Odone said: “That’s the way I am; I’ve always done this, even when I was editor of the Catholic Herod. It’s much easier to call, to ask about the problem and suggest a solution, if there is one. Some people I call, others I write to instead,” according to Ms Odone.

    The Telegraph official said the constant stream of Odone calls signalled a kind of telephonic pastoral care. There was some concern at senior level that the telephone bill would bankrupt the newspaper, but this sudden "Catholic springtime" had taken them by surprise and it was clear that the Odone effect was popular with readers, and to some extent a counterbalance to the tsunami of readers fleeing from the mixed metaphors of Damian Thompson. "If Odone takes it upon herself to call a reader, it means I they are special to her and above all special in God’s heart”, he said.

    It was an unforgettable experience. In genuflecting to Ms Odone on the phone, I sustained a ham-string injury and am now temporarily paralysed.

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  6. Your lynx, howsoever raised to the purple, don't work.Hurts me felines.
    • Telegraph now inserts random garbage in middle of blog posts.
    • Tim Stanley, the 17th Doctor Who, the one with the best hairstyle.
    • "Chivers" now means rubbish. Get over it.

    Disappointed of somewhere East of Eden and South of Albacete.

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  7. So, can one expect college dorms to be decorated with pinup pictures of Ms. Odone…?

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