The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

I wish Fr Z. would stop saying "Chap with wings there - five rounds rapid!"

Dear Slugknees,

I am writing in answer to your report on the Catholic woman you're looking after. Congratulations, you are really doing a great job of leading her away from the Enemy, and into the hands of Our Master! You mentioned that she is using Twitter: this is an excellent medium by which she can come into contact with our people. The more dangerous Catholics don't seem to have got their act together over there, so they are unlikely to have any effect on her.

"Cute" is not a word we recognise. Kill, kill, kill!

As you know, abortion was one of our great successes. We've persuaded the human race to kill its own kind, while arguing that it was a step forward in women's rights... and they fell for it! And now even some Catholics are buying into our story. I'm a regular subscriber to a magazine that describes itself as "Catholic", while many of its staff advocate the "right to choose" - oh, we haven't had so much fun leading people astray since they closed the concentration camps!

I've noticed that Twitter is full of pro-lifers repeating "I AM PROLIFE!!!!!! RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO!!!!!" as if this were some sort of key debating point. Naturally, such behaviour simply irritates the more intelligent pro-lifers, and our friends don't even notice it.

Well, I'm so pleased that your woman has joined the "pro-choice" camp - or at least, she is trying to sit on the fence.

Don't worry about the small print - the Devil doesn't buy souls these days.

I gather that your Catholic woman is keen on same-sex "marriage" as well. Politicians, being on the whole self-centred creatures, are naturally allied to our cause, and the rush to legislate SSM is one of those things that's really warmed the heart of our Master (as he warms the hearts - well, bodies - of his human visitors!) With a little help from us, your woman has managed to make contact with a large number of people who define themselves by their sexual desires, without being in the least concerned about it. Of course, for us, same-sex relationships are completely natural, Slugknees, old chap - I gather that you yourself plan to get married to your boyfriend Wormspit next March?

#forgotmytrousersagain

Now, let's take a look at your woman's contributions to Twitter. These really are impressive: she is engaging in obsessive behaviour, has found a good Catholic wife and mother to stalk, harass and insult, and she is causing her a lot of pain. In this she's allied with a gang of atheists and part-time Catholics. The gang is serving us well: for example, some of them write blogs in which they tell everyone how holy they are, and how wonderfully they are serving the Enemy. Of course, they are really serving us, and every lie they tell is an extra victory for our side.

This is the sort of blog we like.

Anyway, keep up the good work: although your woman is self-centred and obsessive, she is totally unaware of that fact, and that's a point we can exploit. It's true that she's not the brightest person on Twitter, and she is easily manipulated, as well as being naturally bossy and bullying. Leading her to Our Master may be rather an easy task! But do be careful, Slugknees, she may make peace with those traditional Catholics she hates so much - the ones who still worry about Good and Evil. She may even start to listen to the teaching of her own Church. If she does that, she could end up being saved, and we will know who to blame, won't we, Slugknees?

Yours infernally,

Spiderspleen.

Oh no! Did you see what X just said on Twitter?