This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 15 December 2013

The Latin Mass

A manuscript attributed to the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

Latin missal

The Friar asked 
His Superior,
Who spoke to 
The Commissioner:
"Could we please use 
Latin in
The Mass 
That we hold?"
The Commissioner, 
Named Volpi,
Said "No way, 
How dare you?
You may be Friars
Immaculate -
But you'll do just what 
You're told!"
friar with skull

And you can put that skull away, too!

"It's daft," 
Said the Friar,
"We can't have any 
Latin now."
"It's daft," 
Said his Superior,
"You heard what he 
Just said?"
"Look here," 
Said the Commissioner,
"We're giving up the 
Latin tongue.
From now on it's 
Shine, Jesus, Shine and 
Inwood (Paul) instead."

What Pope John-Paul II had in mind for the FFI.

The Friar said, 
"But surely -
The EF Mass is 
Valid still?
I've read 
Summorum Pontificum:
We're told it's  
All O.K."
The Commissioner said 
"Right, mate!
We're closing down 
The seminary.
We're sacking 
The Superior.
You'll do just as 
I say!"
Sacked friar

You're fired!

Said the Friar 
As he prayed a 
Fervent Rosary.
Said his Boss, 
As he packed 
His bags.
Dear Lord, 
Would call me a 
Fussy man
But I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"
This poem is incomplete, but a possible ending is the following:

Pope Francis

There, there! He didn't really mean it.

The Pope said, 
"There, there!
He didn't really 
Mean it."
The Commissioner said 
"Oh Hell!
The Pope thinks 
I was wrong."
The Superior said 
"Ha ha!
Can I have my 
Job back?"
He unpacked 
His suitcase
And he burst 
Into song.
Friar diving

The Friar celebrates.

The Friar 
Was delighted,
When he heard 
His boss returning.
The Friar did
A handstand, 
And said
"Deo Gratias!"
"Nobody," he said,
As he turned 
A cartwheel,
"Nobody," he said,
As he slid down
The banisters,
Dear Lord,
Could call me
A fussy man -
I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"
With apologies to A.A. Milne.


  1. Dear Sir,

    While it is easy for some illiterate savedpusson to put together a few clever satirical remarks at the expense of Fr Vlipo OFM.Cap., you fail to understand the historical reality. What is at stake here is the whole Franciscan re-branding project begun in the 19th century by Sabatier and Jorgensen, good protestants both.

    In the 19th century everyone had forgotten who the Poverello was, and protestant authors discovered that St Francis was a man whose poverty meant he hated the authority of the church and he wanted to demolish it. He talked regularly with fluffy bunnies. People like the OFMs and the modern Capuchins fell in with that whole protestant project. Blessing donkeys at animal events in Surrey friaries became the main purpose of Franciscan life.

    Then a bunch of dissident Latinist immaculates went off the rails and decided the authority of the Church and traditional Mass was the real point of the Franciscan message! What a load of tripe!

    The real Franciscan re-branding project is now being enforced by José Carbolico OFM, a man whose order cannot get vocations because proper Franciscans are queuing up to join these obscurantist Latin Mass prima donnas; and Fr Vlipo rightly wishes to reign in the Immaculates on health & safety grounds because they have ludicrously over-length beards.

    It is time this Latin Immaculate nonsense was stopped and Franciscan life returned to fluffy bunny blessings in Surrey and singing All Creatures Great and Small.

    Yours etc.,
    Saatchi & Saatchi
    Franciscan rebranding department

    1. Thanks, bruvver S for fillin in de background here.

  2. Thank you bruvver.

    It is worth pointing out that the best example of proper Franciscan life in Assisi - following our rebranding scheme - is now found in the friary of the Franciscan Friars of the Atonement. A wide screen high definition TV has been installed and the entire house has been furnished from IKEA, with the Guardian of the house employing his pre-religious life interior design skills to make himself a nice pad in a desirable spot overlooking the plain of Spoleto.

    This is exactly the kind of practical Franciscan rebranding project of which we approve. Property prioes near the Basilica Santa Clara will rocket. The Immaculates haven't even got any significant property in Assisi. Losers.

    Yours etc.,
    Saatchi and Saatchi
    Assisi Property Department

  3. Do they still have the Latin Mass? I thought that went out about 50 years ago.

  4. Pope Benedict asked for prayers so as not to flee from the wolves (lupi).

    Perhaps he should have said the foxes (volpi) who are more devious…?

    1. He was an old fox himself - he nearly trapped old Fellay in his den.

  5. We are so lucky to have that protestant service the NO. It's really done a great job emptying the churches and having lots of fun activities with more room to do them in as a result. The Franciscans should obey their founder and drop The Latin Mass - he's right about the poor not understanding it. We need to be nice about stopping it altogether.

  6. Some very exciting news! It is rumoured that Bing Crosby Christmas toons will be the music for Midnight Mass at St Peters this year and they are going to be sung in English too.It wont matter much to the poor because they will be sitting outside in the snow or mugging tourists.

    1. That's my friend Cressie - another naughty girl who has been saved. Do you know if the poor people be able to stay overnight in the Vatican Palace? Francis doesn't stay there anymore so there will be plenty of room.