Indietrists told to "take a hike"

Following the recommendations from Pope Francis and Arthur Roche that pre-2013 Catholics ("indietrists", "backwardists", "rigidists", etc.) should "go away", "take a hike", and "push off", sixteen thousand of them have taken this advice literally and disappeared into the French countryside between Paris and Chartres.

"The Pope told us to 'get lost' and I'm really not sure where we are now."

Although the journey of the 16,000 is decribed as a "pilgrimage", Pope Francis is not fooled. "When I make a pigrimage, I sit in a comfortable jet with a hundred journalists and invent some new Catholic doctrine," he explained. "I certainly don't go wandering in the wilderness."

Meanwhile, the fact that his own diocese includes England's prime destination for a pilgrimage has not missed the attention of Bishop "Comedy Teeth" Collins of East Anglia, who has decreed that the TLM will no longer be allowed at the shrine. The words of another bishop: "it's important that I try to be a father to everyone in my diocese" clearly don't apply here. In fact, following his Jane Austen namesake, Collins prefers a world of Pride and Prejudice.

"I can't wait to get my teeth into Traditionis Custodes!"

Now it would be extremely childish to use the dentally-challenged bishop's appearance as a way of mocking him, but, on the other hand, at least five people have sent me versions of the following photo (Collins as a young man) so who am I to refrain?

"There's two things that I really abhor - religious intolerance and those flaming Traddies!"

Meanwhile, the late news is that the missing 16,000 have resurfaced somewhere near Chartres, much to the disgust of Pope Francis and Arthur Roche. How do we finish this article, then? With another cheap laugh about Arthur Roche's love of cake, or another one at the expense of the bullying bishop? Oh all right...

"Well done, Bishop Collins, and your reward is a new pair of false teeth."

New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Rochie-the-Pooh

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

Rochie-the-Pooh, a bear of very little brain, lived in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Arthur.

Living under the name of Arthur.

One day he was feeling very hungry, and he said to himself "I think I'll go and see my little friend Austen Pigleteigh. Maybe he will have some cake for me." As he walked along the path, Pooh hummed to himself.

Now, please make no mistake, 
A cardinal likes cake!
You think that I should diet?
Only an indietrist would try it!

"But what if little Piglet doesn't have any cake?" asked Pooh. "Should I go and see my friend the wise owl MASSIWOL instead? No, he has taken up theology now, and he won't listen to me if I hint that it's time for a little something. Or rather, a big something would be better..."

Massiwol reveals the true meaning of Vatican II to a fascinated Rochie-the-Pooh.

"Perhaps I should have gone to see Christo Ber Goglin," said Pooh. " "He's not very busy today, just doing an audience. Of course I could telephone him first and ask him if he has any cake - he won't mind being interrupted. No, it had better be Piglet."

In the most depressing part of the forest, the WherePachaIs bog, lived Mike Eeyore, the donkey. Pooh's journey took him past the wreck that Eeyore called home. "Hullo, Eeyore!" he said. "What a lovely morning for eating cake!"

"Is it a lovely morning?" replied Eeyore gloomily. "Nobody told me. Even Christo Ber Goglin, who is knows everything, hasn't told me what I should think about the weather today. It's so depressing."

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout Catholic^TM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.

Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

Pope Francis on the couch

Finally, even Pope Francis has realised that there is something badly wrong with his psychological make-up, and has checked in with the great Dr Kopfschrumpfer, psychiatrist to the Vatican.

"Now Holy Father, what seems to be the problem?"

Help me, doctor, I have this obsessive phobia about everything that happened before I founded the Church in 2013.

What is it that troubles you?

There is terrible support for restorationism... indietrismo... backwardism... a nostalgic disease... we cannot turn back...

I see. Have you considered discussing the issue with some friends?

I don't have any friends, apart from Austen Ivereigh the scribbler, and nobody in their right mind would take his advice. Oh and James Martin, but all he recommends is appointing more LGBTSJ bishops.

Yours is a difficult case, Holy Father. Take some of these MODAGON anti-modernism tablets and come and see me tomorrow.

Pope Francis hobbles out, but goes through the wrong door, and ends up in a cupboard.

Which is it to be?

Come back, Holy Father! It's the other door!

I cannot turn back... that would be backwardism... indietrismo... CRASH... I must always go forward, as the sap rises in a tree... to do without this flow would be to remain a mummy... CRASH!... Ow! Get Arthur Roche here to help me... you'll find him in the cake shop...

How to run a Coronation

I was (of course) invited to the Coronation of King Charles III, and so I picked up a few tips on how such events should be run. Indeed, since a Coronation is just a sort of Mass run by Anglicans with a few traditional add-ons, some of the features I observed could easily be incorporated into a Novus Ordo Mass (or, with more difficulty, the Traditional Latin Mass).

Proof that I was there!

Now, when the celebrant enters the church, it is not appropriate to have someone carrying a cross in front, as this may offend Muslims, Hindus, Anglicans, Jesuits, and anyone else who has dropped in to keep out of the rain. No, what we need is a Valkyrie with a giant sword.

"Smite ye the ungodly" (Psalm 160).

If it is a Catholic Mass you will need some special guests to give it a spiritually nourishing flavour. A man dressed as the Pope, perhaps. A ballet dancer practising Ignatian Yoga. Or this:

It's G.K. Chesterton!

An interlude - in America they have different notions of the proper procedures for a Coronation Mass. For example, the presence of a QAnon shaman is considered desirable on ecumenical grounds.

Zadok the Priest and QAnon the Shaman anointed Joe Biden KING!

Back to Westminster Abbey. The best Masses have gospel dancers singing and cavorting around but it is not strictly necessary, so we'll skip that. You may also have young people who have been dragged into church kicking and screaming - they don't want to be there, and you don't want to see them. The answer is to hide them behind a lady with a big feather on her hat.

In a minute he is going to sneeze...

Well, that's all, folks. And remember, if you have celebrated your Saturday Mass with some high-quality music, then you can always organize a Glastonbury-type concert for the tone-deaf masses the next day; this is a Sunday, and therefore need not be regarded as holy.

"You is not saved only we is saved." (Suitable for either event.)

Vicar of St John Lateran apologises for Aztec Service

The vicar of the Basilica of St John Lateran, Rome, has expressed his "profound regret" that an Aztec service of human sacrifice was celebrated on the main altar on Tuesday, contrary to church law.

A Novus Ordo Aztec Sacrifice.

The service, conducted by Bishop Bakerhuatl and his colleague the beautiful Bishop Mullalotl, used the standard "Novus Ordo" Aztec liturgy out of consideration of Catholic sensibilities. Said Cardinal Roche on hearing of the event, "Well, at least it wasn't an Extraordinary Form Sacrifice conducted in Latin!"

Church Law is very strict about which religions can use the Basilica of St John Lateran. For example, Anglican ceremonies would also be forbidden; this is because the Anglicans already use many churches that were built by Catholics for Catholics, and they have to be watched carefully in case they try to appropriate some more.

"Do you think they'll notice if we change the locks on this church as well?"

The vicar explained that the Aztec service was permitted on account of a "miscommunication". That is, Bishop Bakerhuatl made a friendly phone call asking how St John Lateran was coping with the latest dictates from Arthur Roche and was told "We must all make sacrifices these days". He naturally understood this as an instruction to go ahead.

Staff from Guinness World Records are rushing to Rome to confirm that an apology has actually taken place. "If so, it will be the first apology we've received from the Vatican since 2013," explained one staff member.

Addendum:

New Apparition sighted at Knock Shrine

Witnesses have reported the sighting of a new apparition at Knock in Ireland, which they are convinced is "Old Joe" himself.

Traditionally, Old Joe is portrayed as a character with horns, a forked tail, etc., but this time he appeared as an old man, wandering around as if lost, sniffing the hair of passers-by, and groping... well, never mind. There were reports that his hands had blood on them: however, some reports say that it was merely chocolate chip ice-cream.

"The sign said KNOCK, so I knocked."

Those who observed the apparition had little doubt that it was Old Joe himself. "That's the Father of Lies, to be sure," said one visitor who had been learning Irish from a book. "He claimed to be an Irishman, Begorrah! on the grounds that among his ancestors were some Irish folk who died 200 years ago. Ochone!"

Among great evils attributed to Old Joe are his support for the slaying of babies in the womb, the destruction of marriage, and "gender-changing" operations on children. There is some suggestion that the people who run Knock had foreseen the possible apparition of Old Joe, since they had closed down all Masses for the day, thus preventing the evil one from trying to receive Communion.

Knock will reopen when a complete exorcism has taken place.

You may regard Old Joe as a figure of fun, but he is very dangerous.

Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?

The last eight saints

We have reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Uncrowned Saints, and because Elon Musk, in his wisdom, is changing the rules of Twitter polls, this may be the last one we run. It also has to be completed by Easter Saturday.

So - unless we can find a way round this - no more world cups of bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), bad cardinals (Cupich), ugly churches (St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan), instruments from Hell (vuvuzela) etc. etc.

So we'll use this post to record the results of the final rounds of the (last?) Twitter World Cup.

Pope Leo XIII 61.8 v Fulton Sheen 38.2

Leo takes it, surprisingly easily. Well, they are both very strong candidates, whatever Cardinal Dolan thinks.

G.K. Chesterton 51.8 v Karl I of Austria 48.2

The lead changed hands several times, but finally GKC won the contest. The vote was 52-48, but all requests for a second "people's vote" that might give a different answer will be rejected.

Pope Pius XII 58.9 v Pope Benedict XVI 41.1

Experience tells, as the old campaigner beats the newcomer in the Pope v Pope quarter-final.

Thomas à Kempis 51.4 v Marcel Lefebvre 48.6

A lot of SSPX fans voted in earlier rounds, but Tom managed to scrape through this time.

---

Semi-finals (starting on Easter Sunday).

Pope Leo XIII 71.7 v Pope Pius XII 28.3

A "two popes" semi-final. Leo takes this, surprisingly easily, and declares himself "fighting fit" as the final approaches.

G.K. Chesterton 47.6 v Thomas à Kempis 52.4

A "two writers" semi-final. A close match, and Thomas heads for the final, leaving GKC to contest the bronze halo.

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Pope Pius XII 55.6 v G.K. Chesterton 44.4

Pius takes the bronze halo. John Cornwell bites his leg off in embarrassment.

FINAL

Pope Leo XIII 64.1 v Thomas à Kempis 35.9

A surprisingly easy win for Leo. Gold halo for him, and silver for Thomas.

AI-generated image of Pope Francis goes viral

The Internet went wild today (this is standard journalist-speak for a "a few people we know sent it to us along with some naughty pictures") over a strange image of Pope Francis, produced entirely by AI - or Austen Ivereigh to give it its full name.

Obviously a fake!

Whereas previous images of Pope Francis have portrayed him as a bully, a dictator, a heretic, and a protector of child abusers, this new artificially ivereighed image sees him as a humble, saintly man, who defends all traditional worship and would not be seen dead worshipping obscene idols.

To take a passage at random from the book produced by ChatGnome, we have a sonnet (with two extra lines as Austen was away the day they did counting at school):

Behold, Francis, a hero of great might,
A blend of Batman, Superman, and more,
A fighter for good, a defender of right,
He stands with justice, against the dark core.

Like Spock, he's logical, wise and sound,
With knowledge vast, and a keen intellect,
He cuts through chaos, on solid ground,
A stalwart protector, in his deflect.

With a light saber, he battles the foe,
Like Obi Wan, he strikes with skill and grace,
Through danger and peril, he'll always go,
With fearless heart and a steady pace.

And like D'Artagnan, he stands with his sword,
A true swashbuckler, fearless and bold,
The world will be safe, with him on guard,
Francis, the hero, strong and untold.

Clearly the Austen Ivereigh program needs a little fine tuning, although spending three years at a Synod on Synods of Synodic Synodalism will no doubt iron out any problems in the software.

Finally, here are a couple of recent pictures of Pope Francis (I could not find one in which he was dressed as Batman), taken from the AI book.

Pope Francis never tires!

2013 and all that (part 2)

Continued from Part 1.

The story so far: Pope Francis the humble has been in the chair of St Peter for two years, and he is just getting started.

Francis was now tiring of religious teaching, and so he turned his attention to the environment instead. It was time for a papal encyclopaedia, which he called Loudhailer Si' because he went around shouting about it. He had realised that many Catholics were going to end up in a hot place if they did not mend their ways - possibly at the North Pole, where there were now no penguins at all.

"Next time, we're all going by bicycle."

Francis was very keen on sinners, and so he organized a Second Sinner of the Family, which, like the first one, was instructed to think of new sins that could be tried out. We shall tell of the results later.

However, Francis had not forgotten the faithful Catholics who still believed in the Bible, and so he encouraged them with new cries of "rigid!" This was a Good Thing.

At the end of the year, there was a great celebration of Creation, and pictures of baboons and toads were projected onto the walls of St Peter's in Rome. At first, people assumed that they were images of Cardigan Marxist, Cardigan Dandruff, and similar Eminems (as cardigans are called). In the end, it was realised that they were simply creatures to be venerated, similar to the "rigid" saints that had previously been respected.

Which cardigan is this?

It was also the start of the Year of Murky, in which murkiness was to be celebrated throughout the Catholic world. Churches were asked to have special "Doors of Murky" by which the faithful could enter to show their devotion to murky. If no such door was available, the faithful were encouraged to climb in through a Window of Murky, or down a Chimney of Murky. These were called spiritual exercises.

The two-headed cyclops logo, designed by Marko Rupnik SJ, a great Catholic hero.

But it was not long before the Church forgot about being Murky, as after the Sinner of the Family Pope Francis released his magnum opus, which he called Amorous Letitia, in honour of a girl he had known in Argentina in the days before he became a priest. Latin scholars tell us that it also means "The Joy of Sex".

Not all Catholics understood Amorous Letitia. The bits where families were encouraged to spend time together, washing the cats, talking to the goldfish, or kissing the car goodnight, were clear enough, but there were doubts about whether adultery was now encouraged, and whether divorce was the answer if the wife snored.

The Spirit of Amorous Letitia.

So four cardigans bravely wrote to the pope asking if he could clarify Catholic teaching for them. To a Jesuit, being asked to clarify *anything* is a mortal insult, and in a spirit of Murky, Francis pretended that the letter (known as the five "Do-be-clears") had been lost in the post.

So we shall never know whether adultery is a sin, especially since two of the Do-be-clear cardigans died soon after impertinently asking for guidance.

In the next part, Pope Francis appoints some strange new cardigans, cuts a deal with President Xi-who-must-be-obeyed, and takes up the worship of Pachanonsense.

A guest post from ChatGPT

There's not much point in our blogging any more, is there? From what follows, it seems that artificial intelligence has won. We got ChatGPT to tell us about Uncle Arthur....

"I'm soooo... sad to hear about the unhappiness of the TLM worshippers."

Could you write a piece in the style of ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com praising Cardinal Roche in a sarcastic way?

Certainly, here is my attempt:

Oh, how lucky we are to have Cardinal Roche in our midst! His presence brings a ray of sunshine to our cloudy and dreary world. His impeccable taste and style are second to none. It's no wonder that he has been dubbed the "Prada Cardinal" by those in the know.

His liturgical expertise is truly awe-inspiring. Who else could come up with such brilliant ideas as the "Table Mass," where the priest faces the people and the altar is replaced with a simple table? It's so much more intimate and modern than the old-fashioned way of doing things.

And let's not forget his groundbreaking work in the area of translations. He's made it his mission to make sure that the language of the liturgy is accessible to everyone, even if it means sacrificing accuracy and theological clarity. Who needs those things anyway when you have inclusive language and catchy slogans?

Some might criticize Cardinal Roche for his apparent disregard for tradition and his willingness to pander to the whims of the modern world. But we know better. We understand that he is simply ahead of his time, a visionary who is pushing the Church into the 21st century whether we like it or not.

So let us raise a glass to Cardinal Roche, the Prada-wearing, table-loving, slogan-spouting liturgical genius. May his influence continue to shape the Church for generations to come!

Soon it will be able to post photos as well.

I guess that ChatGPT has already been contributing to Where Pacha Is...

---

Still human intervention can add something. I asked ChatGPT to mention cake as well...

Of course, Cardinal Roche's love of cake is also well known. Some might question the wisdom of indulging in such sweet treats, but we know that he does it for the sake of the Church. After all, what better way to build community than by sharing a slice of cake with your fellow parishioners?

---

I promise I'll stop soon, but...

Please write me a short hymn containing the lines "Oh, we are saved" and "Everyone is good".

Oh, we are saved, by grace divine,
Redeemed from darkness, we now shine,
Our hearts ablaze with love and light,
Guided by faith, through darkest night.

Everyone is good, in God's pure sight,
Beneath the surface, we're all alike,
No one is perfect, but all can be,
Saved by His grace, forever free.

So let us sing with voices strong,
Praising His name, all day long,
For we are saved, and everyone is good,
By His mercy, we've been understood.

"I'll have to look to my laurels!" says Marty Haugen.

Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.