Muddled Jorge gets provisional Vatican approval

The Vatican on Thursday issued a statement acknowledging that some spiritual fruits had come from the regular apparitions of Muddled Jorge, also known as Pope Francis.

A statue that could be anyone but is probably supposed to represent the Pope.

Although these apparitions have come under a lot of criticism, since some of the messages uttered are said to be in direct contradiction to Catholic teaching, the Vatican still felt able to issue a "Nihil Obstat" (or "See No Evil") to the cult of Muddled Jorge.

"The positive assessment that some of the messages of Muddled Jorge are edifying does not imply a declaration that they have a direct supernatural origin" said the note from the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith. Indeed, compared with some of the documents for which Dicastery Prefect Víctor Manuel Fernández is directly responsible, such as Fiducia supplicans (signed off by Pope Francis when he thought someone was simply asking for his autograph), many of the papal teachings have been completely orthodox.

This book is still waiting for a Nihil Obstat.

Thus, as a result of the Vatican's statement, pilgrimages to Rome will be allowed to continue, but no reponsibility will be borne for any teachings passed on to visitors.

The sin against synodality

Most readers are aware of the seven deadly sins - pride, greed, wrath, envy, lust, gluttony and sloth - and some readers may even have committed some of them. Mea culpa - I am particularly guily of sloth, and have even tried to encourage others to commit that sin (if they can be bothered!)

A typical "sloth pride" march - nobody turned up.

But now Pope Francis has come up with a list of new sins, and the synodal participants will request forgiveness "in the name of all the baptized" for a rather confused list of things he doesn't like.

The most important of these sins is of course the "sin against synodality". So I went to my priest and made the following confession.

"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have not practised kenotic decentering, nor have I enlarged the space of my tent.

Pope Francis and Cardinal Cupich enlarge the space of their tent.

Worse, I do not breathe synodality into every component of academic theology, and I do not embrace the principle of circularity that animates the whole synodal process."

My priest interrupted. "Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church? Are you an athlete and standard-bearer of synodality?"

I blushed, and continued:

"Er, synodality is essentially missionary, and, vice-versa, mission is always synodal. So I try to respect the protagonism of the Spirit as a new way of being Church."

But he was not fooled. The penance he gave me was a real killer: "GO AWAY AND SPEND THREE WEEKS SITTING AT A ROUND TABLE WITH AUSTEN IVEREIGH."

Mea culpa! Mea maxima culpa!

Hieronymus Bosch's depiction of souls in torment.

Eight hymns you don't want to sing

So we have reached the quarter-finals of the 2024 World Cup of Bad Hymns, and here are the remaining atrocities, with some useful descriptions.

Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)

The winner in 2018. Basically a load of semi-heretical nonsense from beginning to end. Most cringeworthy line is perhaps "It's hard to dance with the devil on your back," but the whole attempt to reduce Christ's ministry to a dance is sick-making.

FACT: It's hard to dance with anyone on your back.

Shine, Jesus, shine (Graham Kendrick)

Bronze medallist in 2018. This one contributed to my changing churches about 20 years ago. Many irritating lines such as "Shine on me, shine on me" and "Flow, river, flow". Sorry, I am still traumatized.

Let us build a house where love can dwell (All are welcome) (Marty Haugen)

One of the two works by Mr Haugen to reach the last eight. Not well known in the UK, as far as I can tell, but in the USA he deserves a restraining order to stop him writing anything more. This one goes on far too long without more than one idea in the whole piece.

Kumbayah (anon)

Fourth place in 2018. Let's face it, if you had written such tosh you would want to be anonymous too. "Someone's giggling Lord, Kumbayah". All right, I made that bit up.

You just know they're dying to sing "Kumbayah".

On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas)

Again, not known to me by experience. Wikipedia says that Joe Biden likes it, which suggests that it's more likely to be about ice-cream than God. As far as I can tell, it consists of some chunks of Psalm 91 set to a banal tune.

Here in this place new light is streaming (Gather us in) (Marty Haugen)

Haugen's second entry in the last eight, silver medallist in 2018. The cumulative effect of lines such as "We are the young, our lives are a mystery" (apparently there to provide a rhyme with "history" two lines later) must be enough to cause temporary insanity.

Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty) (Daniel Schutte)

If I'd had to choose one of the three pieces of Schutte in this contest, I'd have gone for "I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord)", but this one is atrocious too. Can people sing words like "O come and eat without money; come to drink without price" without giggling?

Mary, did you know? (Mark Lowry)

On Twitter/X I see more tweets from people who hate this patronizing hymn than about any other song apart from the Satanists' anthem "Imagine". Yes, she did know, you great gibbon.

Some spiritual nourishment (there's not been any so far in this post).

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THE RESULTS AS THEY COME IN:

QUARTER-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 72.1 v Shine, Jesus, shine 27.9

All are welcome 62.3 v Kumbayah 37.7

On eagle's wings 41.6 v Gather us in 58.4

Table of plenty 28.7 v Mary, did you know? 71.3

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SEMI-FINALS

Lord of the Dance 44.3 v Gather us in 55.7

All are welcome 41.2 v Mary, did you know? 58.8

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

Lord of the Dance 45.5 v All are welcome 54.5

BRONZE MEDAL for "All are Welcome".

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FINAL

Gather us in 47.2 v Mary, did you know? 52.8

GOLD for "Mary, did you know?" and SILVER for "Gather us in."

All roads lead to God

In Singapore, Pope Francis has explained to some children that all religions are paths to reach God. As a public service, we present some parts of his address that you may have missed:

'Atheism is another way to find God - in the same way as walking east round the world is a way to get to the west. Just because we are Catholics, it doesn't mean we can't be atheists too! Indeed, many of my best friends are atheists - it's the believers I can't stand.

Flat-earthism is a valid faith too, but be careful with that east/west metaphor!

Another religion that will lead you to god is the worship of Rupnik - that brilliant painter whose life and works are a model to us all. Sit down in a room with a Rupnik picture, and after an hour or two you will be ready for Heaven - or at least you'll wish to die.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, by Rupnik.

Then who can forget the true faith of Pachamama, the Earth Mother goddess? Austen Ivereigh adores her - I have known him to sit in a room with a Pachamama idol and, after an hour or two, to scream very loudly. Is he not imitating the cry of the Mother Earth Goddess? Truly, little Austen is on the path to God!

One path to God - the scenic route.

So, different faiths are like different languages, different dialects. After all, isn't saying "Allahu Akbar" or "Slay the Infidels" just as worthy as "Glory be to the Father" and MUCH better than "Gloria Patri"? Or, for that matter, Cardinal Rochelieu's favourite prayer, "More Tiramisu, Please", is also a way to find God - or at least, a delicious dessert!'

And yes, Prince Philip worship is genuine.

A Pastoral Letter from Bishop Arnold

I've read it so you don't have to - here is a shortened version of the original text.

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Dear Sisters and Brothers in Christ - also all Non-binary and Multigendered Kinspersons!

Today I am writing about three different but closely-related matters of fundamental Catholic teaching.

As our blessed Prime Minister, St Armer of Keir, has pointed out, all the murders, stabbings and other attacks that we have seen this summer are the fault of grumbles by far-right Conservative voters and very far-right Reform voters, and nothing to do with the people who actually committed the crimes, most of whom are peaceful healthcare workers.

It is important for us to stop these extremely far-right trouble-makers, and I take this opportunity of asking you to befriend your neighbours. Ask Mr Mohammed Ali Bayan down the road to come to Mass at my Cathedral - he won't find anything to upset his deeply-held religious beliefs!

Which brings me onto my second subject. Traditionally, September is the Season of Creation, and the Church has been concerned about issues such as the Climate Crisis ever since the 1st Century C.E. (not A.D.!) You only have to look out of the window to see that the weather is hotter colder wetter drier more average than ever before! Why, the plughole in my bath was blocked this morning, causing floods in my bathroom the like of which we have not seen since last week!

God - or at least St Greta - asks us to reduce our energy consumption, to install solar panels in our broom cupboards, to fit windmills under our beds, to recycle our food before eating it, and, above all, to pay more taxes!

The strain of saving the planet has taken its toll on Ms Thunberg.

Finally, connected with both our community building and our care for the environment - and of course with every other important part of Catholic teaching - is SYNODALITY. I have three key questions for you:

How can we persuade people that this is a real Copernican turning point of conciliar ecclesiology?

What would it look like to breathe synodality into each component of academic theology?

Which aspect of 'PLACE' do you think is most important in shaping relationships within the Church?

I must ask that you all participate in the final stages of the synod - by attending meetings, talking a lot, or at least trying to stay awake, and by saying the Diocesan prayer "Stay with us, Lord, in our synodal walking together."

Love and kisses (as Cardinal Tucho would say),

+ Johnny

Which bits of the Bible can we omit?

There's been a bit of controversy this week about the second reading in the Novus Ordo Mass, which was Ephesians 5:21-32: this has some juicy stuff about wives submitting to their husbands as the Church submits to Christ. As far as I know, in England and Wales, this bit is not optional (sometimes, parts of a reading can be omitted, but only if it is too long and the priest wants to get away early); however, in the USA it seems that St Paul's teaching does not meet with modern feminist ideals, and can be omitted if the priest is worried about being beaten up by irate women after the Mass is over.

"And if St Paul comes here, he'll get the same!"

So I looked at all the readings for last Sunday (including the psalm) to see whether there are other parts that should really be omitted to avoid offending sensitive souls.

Reading 1: This is from Joshua 24, and our hero calls the people together and tells them that if they don't want to serve the Lord, then they can go and serve the other gods, including the gods of the Amorites. The people decide to stay put.

Verdict: Well, this isn't very ecumenical, is it? I think we'd better cut this a bit, to avoid offending fans of Pachamama and similar alternative gods.

The Amorites worshipped Amurru, seen here dressed for motorcycling.

Psalm: Based on Psalm 33. It has the refrain "Taste and see that the Lord is good".

Verdict: This may offend people with no taste - and I don't mean modern hymn-writers, I mean inability to taste food and drink; and of course, what are the blind supposed to think? There's another awkward bit later on, where we're told that the just man will be rescued from his trials, and "not one of his bones shall be broken". What are people with broken bones going to think of that?

"This wouldn't have happend if you were a just man."

Reading 2: St Paul reveals that he is not exactly a feminist.

Verdict: Enough said already.

Gospel: From John 6. This starts with "After hearing His doctrine many of the followers of Jesus said, 'This is intolerable language. How can we accept it?'"

Verdict: We know how they feel. Look, let's just scrap all these Bible readings and skip to the homily, where the priest can make us feel comfortable by telling us about his holiday in Madeira.

Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

The second World Cup of Bad Hymns

As a distraction from all the other problems in the world, we'll have another world cup. I had planned a sumptuous opening ceremony, with Pachamama idols and Rupnik artwork, but, after complaints about bad taste from the Olympic Committee I decided to scrap it.

Anyway, as promised, the second world cup of bad hymns will begin soon. The first one, held in 2018, ended as follows:

Gold: Lord of the Dance (Sydney Carter)
Silver: Gather us in (Marty Haugen)
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick)
Fourth Place: Kumbayah (anon)

The previous winners.

As before, this one will organised by a sequence of Twitter polls, one per day, on a knock-out basis, with as many rounds as needed.

Badness may be defined any way you wish, either by stupid lyrics, bad theology (since people of all Christian denominations - or none - may take part, we won't get agreement here), or even by an appalling tune.

I started with 44 nominations (everything that reached Round 2 last time, plus a few others that I particularly dislike). Nominations will close when we reach 64, or people stop sending them in - either by replying to this post or by replying to the Twitter announcement.

Anything that makes you shudder...

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Here are the ones we have so far (I am adding new ones as they arrive):

Abba, Abba Father, You are the Potter, we are the clay,  Carey Landry
Alleluia Ch-Ch,  Paul Inwood
As a fire is meant for burning,  Ruth Duck
As the deer pants,  Martin Nystrom
Autumn days when the grass is jewelled,  Estelle White
Bind us together, Lord,  Bob Gillman
Caterpillar, caterpillar,  Susan Sayers
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top,  Estelle White
Christ be our light,  Bernadette Farrell
Colours of day,  Sue McClellan
Come to the feast of Heaven and Earth (table of plenty),  Daniel Schutte
Eat this bread,  Jacques Berthier
Enemy of apathy (she sits like a bird),  John L. Bell and Graham Maule
Father, in my life I see,  Frank Andersen
Follow me,  Michael Cocket
For everyone born, a place at the table,  Shirley Murray
Gather us in,  Marty Haugen
Gift of finest wheat,  John Michael Talbot
Gloria (clap clap),  Martin Anderson
Glory to God (Peruvian Gloria),  Anon
Go, the Mass is ended,  Sister Marie Lydia Pereira
God of concrete,  Frederick R.C. Clarke
God of mercy and compassion,  Edmund Vaughan
God's Spirit is in my heart,  Alan Dale
I am the Bread of Life,  Suzanne Toolan
I am the Living Bread,  Ifeanyichukwu Eze
I am the Word that spoke (take and eat),  Michael Joncas
I just wanna be a sheep,  Brian Howard
I saw the grass, I saw the trees,  Estelle White
I watch the sunrise,  John Glynn
I, the Lord of sea and sky (here I am, Lord),  Daniel Schutte
If I were a butterfly,  Brian Howard
In bread we bring you, Lord,  Daniel O'Donnell
In Christ alone my hope is found, Stuart Townend and Keith Getty 
In my wrestling and in my doubts (my Lighthouse),  Llewellyn / Gilkeson
Jesus Christ the apple tree,  R.H.
Kumbayah,  Anon
Let there be peace on Earth,  Vince Gill
Let us build a house where love can dwell (all are welcome),  Marty Haugen
Let us build the city of God,  Daniel Schutte
Lord of the Dance,  Sydney Carter
Lord, you have come to the lakeshore/lakeside,  Cesáreo Gabaráin
Mary, did you know?  Mark Lowry
Moses, I know you're the man,  Estelle White
No longer strangers to each other (companions on the journey),  Carey Landry 
Now we remain,  David Haas
On eagle's wings,  Michael Joncas
One bread, one body,  John Foley
Our God reigns,  Leonard E. Smith
Shine, Jesus, shine,  Graham Kendrick
Sing a New Church,  Delores Dufner
Springs of water, bless the Lord,  Marty Haugen
The Lord told Noah (so rise and shine),  Trad.
The world is full of smelly feet,  Michael Forster
They'll know we are Christians by our love,  Peter Scholtes
This little light of mine,  Harry Dixon Loes
Touch the earth lightly,  Shirley Murray
Walk in the Light,  Damian Lundy
We are the salt of the earth (go make a difference),  Steve Angrisano, 
   Tom Tomaszek
We rise again from ashes,  Tom Conry
Who is the alien,  Mary Louise Bringle
Will you let me be your servant,  Richard Gillard
You are mine,  David Haas
You call me out upon the waters (oceans),  Joel Houston et al

"The next hymn is ... so put your hand up if you want to leave."

Addendum: We'll stick to English language hymns (and Christian ones) to avoid strange songs from people worshipping Klingon gods.

Addendum-dum: We now have 64 entries, and that's the lot.

Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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LATE NEWS

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

Quick World Cup of Latin Mass Letter Writers

As is probably well known to most readers, 48 fairly famous people, mostly from the world of writing, music and politics, signed a letter to the Times, making an appeal to the Pope to stop stamping on the Traditional Latin Mass and its adherents (I paraphrase here). This was similar to the "Agatha Christie" letter addressed to Pope Paul VI in 1971, which was largely succesful in its results.

But what should we call this letter, or rather, after whom? The 48 noble signatories are listed below, and I intend to conduct a quick world cup - I want to get it done in 2 weeks, so the rules will be slightly different - to choose one of the names.

Some are very well known, some rather obscure, but I think they all have Wikipedia entries, if you need any help working out who they are. I don't expect this Quick World Cup to be as popular as some others - for example the new World Cup of Bad Hymns, due to run in August - but I will bear this sorrow courageously.

The 48 runners are:

Robert Agostinelli
Lord Alton of Liverpool
Lord Bailey of Paddington
Lord Bamford
Lord Berkeley of Knighton
Sophie Bevan
Ian Bostridge
Nina Campbell
Meghan Cassidy
Sir Nicholas Coleridge
Dame Imogen Cooper
Lord Fellowes of West Stafford
Sir Rocco Forte
Lady Antonia Fraser
Martin Fuller
Lady Getty
John Gilhooly
Dame Jane Glover
Michael Gove
Susan Hampshire
Lord Hesketh
Tom Holland
Sir Stephen Hough
Tristram Hunt
Steven Isserlis
Bianca Jagger
Igor Levit
Lord Lloyd-Webber
Julian Lloyd Webber
Dame Felicity Lott
Sir James MacMillan
Princess Michael of Kent
Baroness Monckton of Dallington Forest
Lord Moore of Etchingham
Fraser Nelson
Alex Polizzi
Mishka Rushdie Momen
Sir Andras Schiff
Lord Skidelsky
Lord Smith of Finsbury
Sir Paul Smith
Rory Stewart
Lord Stirrup
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa
Dame Mitsuko Uchida
Ryan Wigglesworth
A N Wilson
Adam Zamoyski

And this was the letter (you can click to enlarge).

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QUALIFIERS FOR THE SUPER SIX, AS THEY COME IN.

FINAL RESULTS LISTED AFTER THE PHOTOS.

Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

Sir James MacMillan

Princess Michael of Kent

Lord Alton of Liverpool

Tom Holland

Lady Antonia Fraser

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Group 1:
Dame Kiri Te Kanawa 28.2
Princess Michael of Kent 42.7
Tom Holland 29.1

Group 2:
Sir James MacMillan 60.8
Lord Alton of Liverpool 21.6
Lady Antonia Fraser 17.5

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FINAL

Princess Michael of Kent 45.5 v Sir James MacMillan 54.5

So congratulations to the new Agatha Christie, Sir James MacMillan!

The Book of Numbskulls 2 - after the fall of Bosis

After some delay, continued from Chapter 1.

1. Following the fall of Bosis, it was decided that the children of Bri-tain would be led by his servant Trusshua.

But Liz telleth Liz that she will not be around for long.

2. Thus Trusshua went to see the Queen of Elisheba to receive the holy seals of office.

3. And such was the joy of Elisheba that she died three days later, to be succeeded by her eldest son, the King Charlemagne III.

The Lady of the Lake giveth the sword to Charlemagne.

4. So for ten days there was no government, as the country went into mourning, and the critics said: "All goeth very well at present. Can we not mourn for a few more years?"

5. But it was not to be, and Trusshua was obliged to govern. Thus she asked her chancellor, the Quartengmaster, to produce a mini-budgie, which would greatly increase the wealth of the people of Bri-tain.

6. However, the mini-budgie refused to fly, and the people were exceedingly wrathful.

7. Indeed, they stayed wrathful for another eighteen months, as we shall see.

This budgie is not more. It hath ceased to be.

8. Thus it was decided that Trusshua must go. But she spake out boldly, saying "I am a fighter not a quitter."

9. And then she resigned on the next day.

10. So this time the Conservatites decided that voting on a new leader was not a good idea.

11. Besides, if they chose anyone except Rishi the Sunakite, he would destroy the lucky one with plagues of cake and budgies.

12. Thus Rishi went to see King Charlemagne, to tell him that he was the people's choice.

13. And thus he was ready to meet other world leaders too.

Bless you! I'm the people's choice too!

To be continued.

A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.

Zen and the art of Michael Lofton maintenance

The story so far:

You are a middle-aged man with a big head and a small beard, running a popular and lucrative website that some days has more than three viewers. Then guess what! Some jumped-up cardinal says cruel things about you!

It is your DUTY to put this Zen chap in his place!

This old man from Japan (memo: check this) dares to criticise Fiducia Supplicans - you know, that very important magisterial letter that told us that homosexual couples should be /blessed/ /shown the door/ /kissed/ /sent off to join the Jesuits/ ... well, we're not sure what, as the rules change every day. Still, priests can probably get away with blessing them provided that they cross their fingers while doing so, do not take more than 16.314 seconds over the task, and provided that the parties do not form a couple, but a pair, or possibly a brace, duo, or dyad. And the blessing must not look like a wedding - so no white dresses, bridesmaids, flowers, crying, or Wagner's immortal tune "Here comes the bride, short, fat and wide."

"I'll bet that this jumped-up cardinal doesn't even have tattoos all over his body!"

Well, you've got this Zen chap over a barrel now. He needs to be laicised, put on the rack, and (worst of all) forced to watch 200 hours of videos from your website "Reason and Theology - only joking, folks!" For he is clearly denying the Hermitage of Continuity, Vatican II, and the divinity of Pope Francis, and he is probably a Buddhist anyway, what with a crazy name like Zen.

Ha ha ha! Serve him right!

But HE BITES BACK. He tells people to stop wasting their "Michael's Pence" on your website, and instead to find a grown-up who knows what he's talking about!

You aren't standing for that! STEP 1: kick the cat. STEP 2: well, we'll think of something.

Next week: Cardinal Zen tells us what he thinks of Austen Ivereigh, Fr James Martin SJ, and "speedy" Cupich - who has just broken the record for the fastest ever Eucharistic procession.

Cardinal Cupich leads the procession (cue Yakety-Sax music).

The Pope needs some common cents!

Today we are celebrating the solemnity of St Peter and St Paul, and so this is also the time when the Pope gets out his begging bowl and asks us to donate Peter's Pence.

Times are hard!

To be fair, popes do have needs that the rest of us don't. When was the last time that YOU invested in Jesuitman, a pornographic film about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ Rocketman, a pornographic film about Elton John? When did YOU last try some dodgy property speculation? But these are activities that one only expects from the Holy Father.

It's Cardinal Dolan in Rockette-man!

So give generously. If Francis asks for pence, give him pence! Or if your natural currency is dollars or euros, then you can be sure that the pope is lacking in common cents! So help him to acquire some.

"But I don't give tuppence for the Pope's needs!"

Unfortunately at my church this morning there wasn't a great rush to shower the Vatican with gold and silver. In fact, poor old Ian, holding the bag for the retiring collection, was looking very glum, perhaps wondering why everyone seemed to be avoiding him.

Of course, if you don't want to upset Ian, there are acceptable things to put in the bag as alternatives to filthy lucre. Old buttons, maybe? A little envelope containing a pious message to Pope Francis (keep it clean, folks!)?

Or perhaps a P45?