This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Boris throws his hat in the ring

Boris Johnson, currently the Mayor of London, has announced that he intends to stand for the position of Pope in the next conclave: this may take place as soon as 2022 if Pope Francis takes early retirement at 86, as his predecessor did. Boris will then be a sprightly 58, the same age as Pope John-Paul II was when he took office.

Boris and Benedict

Boris takes advice on what popes actually do.

According to the Tablet, the fact that Boris is twice-married and not even a Catholic should not prove an obstacle to his election ("They're bound to change that sort of thing at the next synod"), but it is generally thought that he will need to find a "safe seat", by becoming a cardinal as soon as possible.

Cardinal Vin

Will Cardinal Nichols give up his Westminster seat to Boris?

When Boris was previously interviewed by this blog about his religious opinions, he set forth his manifesto in no uncertain terms:

Our new liturgy, beginning "What ho, God!" is guaranteed to get the Almighty's attention and give Him a friendly nudge towards smiting our enemies. Under my leadership, the Geiger counter of Catholomania will go zoink! off the scale, so put that in your pipe and smoke it, Dawkins!

Francis and Boris

Boris practises a papal gesture.

Several recent popes have become saints, and Boris's ambitions are such that he expects to follow in their footsteps. "I've heard good reports of Heaven," he says, "and it sounds like a terrific place to pop off to, after shuffling off the old mortal coil. I'm not so keen on hanging around Purgatory like a buffoon trapped on a zip-wire, so I'm planning to give that one a miss and go straight to the Terminus!"

John-Paul II and Boris

If you want to be a saint, get on your bike!


  1. Dear Sir,
    Clearly the idea of Boris Johnson throwing his cycle helmet into the ring to seek election as the next pope is wonderful news for all of us in ACTA who have been campaigning for more dialogue in the church, and Boris can spout dialogue until the cows come home. We look forward to his first sixty-page non-verified interview in La Repubblica in 2022 with the 98-year old Dr Scaligari and his amazing Pandora's Box.

    Yours disingenuously,
    Ferdinand Mass-Trousers

  2. My dear Mass Trousers

    Are you sure? He's a latinist. Not ACTA's cup of tea, surely?

  3. Dear Ms Traddywitch,
    I did not realise Boris was a latinist, but if it is true he is into ballroom dancing, as you allege, many of our ACTA members are either silver surfers or Come Dancing aficionados, so your point is somewhat lost on me. A dim blond pope with a penchant for the tango is right up our street.

    Yours irritably over a cheap can of Lidl lager,
    Ferdinand Mass-Trousers,
    Tunbridge Wells ACTA Festivities Coordinator