Low threat - a sacred, devotional service; all music played is religious, rather than something from Paul Inwood; the sermon may have been stolen from a dusty 19th century anthology, but the anecdote about Cardinal Newman is spiritually nourishing; the emphasis is on God.
No sign of those 19th century Pusey riots.
Moderate threat - kiss of peace starts to get out of hand; "Shine, Jesus, shine" sung; children return from Bible class having drawn pictures of the Pope.
Well done, Maureen! Why not write a blog?
Substantial threat - guitars; liturgical dancing; guest sermon on "My holiday in Ecuador"; gospel replaced by readings from the Vatican II documents; copies of the Tablet sighted.
Threat level raised to "substantial".
Severe threat - clowns or puppets deployed; deacon tips ice bucket over his head; favourable mention made of of Hans Küng (or it may be Cardinal Martini).
Fr Bosco - a severe threat.
Critical threat - Tina Beattie wanders in; priest introduces his "husband"; charity collection for the Family Planning Association; a distinct smell of brimstone; you're in deep trouble.
There's something badly wrong here.