This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 29 August 2014

The five levels of threat to your spirituality

In these dangerous times, it is important to know what the chances are of an attack from the forces of darkness. There are five officially-recognised threat levels, and, just as the Beaufort scale may be used to estimate the wind speed, and the likely extent of damage, the following table can provide a similar warning, based on what you observe when you attend church.


The threatometerTM.

Low threat - a sacred, devotional service; all music played is religious, rather than something from Paul Inwood; the sermon may have been stolen from a dusty 19th century anthology, but the anecdote about Cardinal Newman is spiritually nourishing; the emphasis is on God.


No sign of those 19th century Pusey riots.

Moderate threat - kiss of peace starts to get out of hand; "Shine, Jesus, shine" sung; children return from Bible class having drawn pictures of the Pope.

sketch of Pope

Well done, Maureen! Why not write a blog?

Substantial threat - guitars; liturgical dancing; guest sermon on "My holiday in Ecuador"; gospel replaced by readings from the Vatican II documents; copies of the Tablet sighted.

Pepinster and Tablet

Threat level raised to "substantial".

Severe threat - clowns or puppets deployed; deacon tips ice bucket over his head; favourable mention made of of Hans Küng (or it may be Cardinal Martini).

clown in bin

Fr Bosco - a severe threat.

Critical threat - Tina Beattie wanders in; priest introduces his "husband"; charity collection for the Family Planning Association; a distinct smell of brimstone; you're in deep trouble.

Nazi bishops

There's something badly wrong here.


  1. Anyone who doesn't attend a Society of Such Pious Gents chapel should be on high alert.

  2. Good on y' Bruvver you try to hard to be funny ....

    1. Not all of us have your gift of being unintentionally hilarious, Retrochbabe

    2. Exactly. This is a serious piece written in order to help people.

  3. I should be worried following today's Mass. Our 'Kiss of Peace' is always as dignified as 'throwing out time' in a rowdy pub (same as before and after Mass) and we did actually have 'Shine, Jesus, Shine' as the last hymn. We also have 'Tiny Church' and 'Little Church' with their crayons and paper (this is true - eeeech!). I did suggest the burning of heretics as an artistic theme for today which was, for some reason, not kindly received.