This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Eccles answers some burning questions

Dear Eccles, I read somewhere that it was possible to declare one's house a Galloway-free zone. How do I do that, and what are the advantages?

Galloway arrested

Sometimes our policemen are wonderful.

Eccles replies: A Galloway exclusion zone is generally considered to be a significant asset to a neighbourhood. Indeed, the value of your property may increase by up to 100% if the purchaser can be sure that there isn't a whining Hamas-supporter crawling round your living-room drinking the cat's milk.

To avoid an infestation of Galloways, you could hang an old shoe in your window, since Muslims consider old shoes to be insulting, and Galloways will tend to avoid them. Keeping pigs is another possible strategy, but these animals tend to think of Galloways as "unclean" and will probably be upset by their presence. In Bradford they discovered that inviting a few Jews to visit was extremely effective: despite his mighty rhetoric, the resident Galloway was reported to have disguised himself in a burka and fled to Scotland.

Dear Eccles, I am a pregnant woman, and very worried that my child may have Dawk syndrome. Could you advise me?

Dawkins and dog

People with Dawk Syndrome are often fond of animals. It's humans they can't stand.

Eccles replies: Dawk Syndrome is not usually a problem for the first 50 or so years of life: people with this condition can often live full and rewarding lives, for example by taking unskilled employment as professors of zoology.

In old age, however, we often see severe psychological problems develop: an obsessive desire for publicity, including the habit of saying nasty things in order to be noticed; a conviction that one is always right, even when the facts have shown that this is not the case; the habit of making gaffes ("unless you are a vegan (most Pro-'Lifers' are not) you are in no position to object to abortion"); and a total insensitiveness to the feelings of other people. It is tempting, if you think you may have a Dawk baby, to abort your child and "try again", but we cannot recommend that course of action. At any rate, the condition is much better understood these days.

Teenage Dawkins

Sometimes a 73-year-old will dress like a teenager.

Dear Eccles, whom are you likely to nominate for your "Catholic bishop of the year" award?

Eccles replies: It seemed at first that Michael Campbell of Lancaster would walk away with the prestigious "golden cake" for his courageous suppression of the far-too-orthodox Protect the Pope blog, and his brilliantly confusing handling of the situation. As devoted supporters of "Mike the Knife" we must remind people that shouting "Pants on fire!" at bishops is rude and naughty, even if this exact phrase is not explicitly forbidden by canon law.

Recently, Kieran Conry has been coming up fast behind him, with his imaginative request for the dissident organization ACTA to hold meetings in his diocese, going as far as advertising them on the Arundel and Brighton website. Well done, Kieran! Give the Vatican a piece of your mind! Just think, in a few hundred years time we may be talking of Conryans in the same way as we talk of Lutherans!

Stop ACTA boy

Attacking ACTA? Not in Arundel and Brighton!

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