Waiting for Vincent

With apologies to Samuel Beckett.

ESTRAGON: Any sign of Vincent yet?

VLADIMIR: No. Perhaps he didn't get our letter.

ESTRAGON: Fancy having to call him "Your Eminence" just like a real cardinal.

VLADIMIR: He is a real cardinal.

ESTRAGON: Oh. I thought that was a joke. Like Kasper.

Waiting for Vincent.

VLADIMIR: It doesn't have to be Vincent. One of the other bishops would do.

ESTRAGON: Even Smiffy. Or Conry.

VLADIMIR: No, not Conry. But one of the others.

ESTRAGON: So I told Vincent, "All you have to do..."

VLADIMIR: All he has to do...

ESTRAGON: "... is sort out Tina Beattie."

Tina - needs sorting out.

VLADIMIR: Give a moral lead.

ESTRAGON: Explain Catholic teaching to her.

VLADIMIR: Professor of Catholic Studies. Theological adviser to CAFOD.

ESTRAGON: Trustee of the Tablet...

VLADIMIR: Let's stick to her Catholic credentials, shall we?

ESTRAGON: Sorry. Now what was Vincent going to tell her?

VLADIMIR: Abortion is bad. Wrong. Sinful. Immoral.

ESTRAGON: That's not our team, is it?

VLADIMIR: No, no, we want babies to live. Humans of all ages.

Admittedly, not all babies are sweet.

ESTRAGON: Even teenagers?

VLADIMIR: Yes even teenagers have a right to live.

ESTRAGON: Being Catholic is tough sometimes.

VLADIMIR: Of course the Polish bishops will probably write to her.

ESTRAGON: They'll say: Czemu nie pójdziesz i trzymać głowę w toalecie?

VLADIMIR: I didn't know you spoke Polish. What does it mean?

ESTRAGON: Why don't you go and stick your head down the toilet?

VLADIMIR: Look, I only asked...

ESTRAGON: No, that's what it means. "Why don't you go and stick your head down the toilet?"

VLADIMIR: Do bishops say that sort of thing?

ESTRAGON: Think of it as offering a baptism.

VLADIMIR: Washing away her sins.

ESTRAGON: Vincent will say that when he turns up.

Missing person.

VLADIMIR: How long have we been waiting now?

ESTRAGON: For a moral lead?

VLADIMIR: Yes.

ESTRAGON: Six years.

VLADIMIR: Not long now, then...