The best and the worst

Nothing new here, just a list of the winners of all the world cups we have conducted. I will keep it updated as new competitions are held.

BAD HYMNS November 2018

Gold: Lord of the Dance
Silver: Gather us in
Bronze: Shine, Jesus, Shine
Fourth Place: Kumbayah

Sydney Carter, Marty Haugen and Graham Kendrick.

BAD CARDINALS (I) February 2019

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Reinhard Marx
Bronze: Walter Kasper
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

BAD CATHOLIC JOURNALISTS October 2019

Gold: James Martin
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: Massimo Faggioli
Fourth Place: Antonio Spadaro

LITURGICAL ABUSES July 2020

Gold: Idols
Silver: Changing words in the liturgy
Bronze: Communion in the hand
Fourth Place: Consecrating ordinary bread

UGLY CHURCHES November 2020

Gold: St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan
Silver: Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay
Bronze: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley
Fourth Place: Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid

FRANCIS ACHIEVEMENTS September 2021

Gold: Pachamama worship
Silver: Traditionis Custodes
Bronze: Treatment of the church in China
Fourth Place: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick

INSTRUMENTS IN HELL March 2022

Gold: Vuvuzela
Silver: Bongo drums
Bronze: Kazoo
Fourth Place: Tambourine

PATRON SAINTS OF ENGLAND May 2022

Gold: Thomas More
Silver: Thomas Becket
Bronze: John Fisher
Fourth Place: John Henry Newman

BAD CARDINALS (II) October 2022

Gold: Blase Cupich
Silver: Arthur Roche
Bronze: Reinhard Marx
Fourth Place: Francesco Coccopalmerio

UNCROWNED SAINTS April 2023

Gold: Pope Leo XIII
Silver: Thomas à Kempis
Bronze: Pope Pius XII
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

ROYAL SAINTS July 2023

Gold: Jadwiga of Poland
Silver: Elizabeth of Hungary
Bronze: Stephen I of Hungary
Fourth Place: Louis IX of France

SYNODAL HORRORS September 2023

Gold: Abp Víctor Fernández
Silver: Fr James Martin
Bronze: Cdl Arthur Roche
Fourth Place: Dr Austen Ivereigh

SYNOD JARGON December 2023

Gold: a new way of being Church
Silver: a kenotic de-centering
Bronze: a listening Church
Fourth Place: respects the protagonism of the Spirit

BAD CATHOLIC WRITERS March 2024

Gold: Víctor Manuel Fernández
Silver: Austen Ivereigh
Bronze: James Martin
Fourth Place: Massimo Faggioli

MISUSED CHURCHES April 2024

Gold: Borgloon (Belgium), Holy cow
Silver: New York, God is trans
Bronze: St Edmundsbury, Masonic dinner
Fourth Place: Rochester, Crazy golf

GREAT CATHOLIC LEADERS June 2024

Gold: Cardinal Sarah
Silver: Cardinal Zen
Bronze: Bishop Schneider
Fourth Place: Cardinal Müller

LATIN MASS LETTER-WRITERS July 2024

Gold: Sir James MacMillan
Silver: Princess Michael of Kent
Bronze: Tom Holland
Fourth Place: Dame Kiri Te Kanawa

BAD HYMNS October 2024

Gold: Mary, did you know?
Silver: Gather us in.
Bronze: All are welcome.
Fourth Place: Lord of the Dance.

SYNODAL JARGON (2024) November 2024

Gold: forgiveness in the name of all the baptised for the sins against synodality
Silver: the principle of circularity that animated the whole synodal process
Bronze: athletes and standard-bearers of synodality
Fourth Place: understanding how to be a synodal church in mission thus passes through a relational conversion

POST-BIBLICAL SAINTS January 2025

Gold: Thomas Aquinas
Silver: Augustine of Hippo
Bronze: Benedict of Nursia
Fourth Place: Teresa of Ávila

SUBJECTS FOR PAPAL DOCUMENTS February 2025

Gold: Abortion and IVF
Silver: Persecution of Christians
Bronze: Same-sex marriage
Fourth Place: Surrogacy

NARNIA POLL April 2025

Gold: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Silver: The Last Battle
Bronze: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Fourth Place: Prince Caspian

NAME THAT POPE May 2025

A dead heat between Leo and Gregory.
John and Clement in 3rd and 4th places.

We got Leo right. More-or-less.

PREDICT THE POPE May 2025

Gold: Pizzaballa
Silver: Erdő
Sarah and Eijk in 3rd and 4th places.

We didn't call this one correctly.

UGLY CHURCHES (2nd contest) September 2025

Gold: Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA
Silver: Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany
Bronze: Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany
Fourth Place: St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland

CONTROVERSIAL SAINTS October 2025

Gold: Pope Paul VI
Silver: Pope John XXIII
Bronze: Oscar Romero
Fourth Place: Carlo Acutis

CATHOLIC CONVERTS May 2026

Gold: St John Henry Newman
Silver: St Edmund Campion
Bronze: St Edith Stein
Fourth Place: G.K. Chesterton

The eight ugliest churches

We have reached the quarter-finals of the 2nd World Cup of Ugly Churches, and the results will be posted here as we have them.

High-heel wedding church, Budai, Taiwan 42.9 v St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 57.1

St Maurice, Marseille, France 49.7 v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 50.3

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 79.9 v Santa Maria Nuova, Terranuova Bracciolini, Italy 20.1

Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 62.8 v St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan, USA 37.2

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SEMI-FINALS

St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 29.9 v Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 70.1

Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 57.5 v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 42.5

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

St Konrad, Schaffhausen, Switzerland 48.6 v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden, Germany 51.4

An inflatable bronze medal for the pink church.

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FINAL

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley, USA 55.0 v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges, Germany 45.0

So Newman Hall is officially the ugliest church in the world (this time - last time it only came 3rd).

A final photo for your spiritual nourishment.

The Catholic Advent Calendar 2024

A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year of Whatever it is this time to all readers! This is what we found when we opened the windows.

1. Out pops Timothy Radcliffe OP, who becomes a cardinal on December 7th.

2. Women are hardly ever depicted in Catholic art, so it is a delight to show you Luce, the symbol of modern Catholicism. Jubilate Luce!

3. As Joe Biden prepares to fade from the scene, we have here a picture of that *Devout Catholic* giving something to Cecile Richards of Planned Parenthood - possibly, a free pardon.

4. A typical three-eyed picture from the pope's favourite artist, theologian and ex-Jesuit, Fr Marko Rupnik.

5. We welcome Uncle Arthur Roche, Vatican hitman, looking unusually holy.

6. Latin Mass may be out of favour, but as an alternative, why not try an approved "indigenous" rite (which you mustn't call the Mayan rite)?

7. Erwin Wurm's outsized hot water bottle on human feet placed next the Stephansdom in Vienna is supposed to evoke "the importance of warming charity in the time before Easter" (quotation from a flyer found in the cathedral).

8. After the excitement of the last few days, we see Cardinal Hollerich relaxing with some liturgical dancing (I think).

9. The French have always had great dress sense ("l'élégance française") and when it comes to modelling "haute couture" vestments Notre Dame has no equal.

10. Coming out today is Fr James Martin SJ, seen here blessing a homosexual couple.

11. We welcome Kevin Farrell, the pension czar, Camerlengo, prefect of the Dicastery for the Laity, Family and Life, and Lord High Everything Else. In his spare time he is a cardinal.

12. These lovely ladies are holding a banner that says "Women priests are here". Obviously a witty joke as there can be no such thing.

13. Yes, it's Austen Ivereigh: papal biographer, fan of Pachamama, and connoisseur of Rupnik's art. Also (it seems) a part-time lumberjack.

14. Besides leading the way in the design of vestments, Notre Dame is also known for its novel concept of an altar.

15. We welcome Cardinal Cupich, who will be watching you carefully to see that you do not kneel for Communion, disrupting the flow of the procession.

16. It's Fr Thomas Reese SJ, known for his "Even Jesus got it wrong" scribblings.

17. This lady needs no introduction.

18. It's Sister Nathalie Becquart XMCJ, winner of the prize for the most synodal synodalist of the 2024 synodal synod on synodality (ladies' section).

19. Let's lighten the mood with a sing-song. Altogether now, "Mary, did you know?"

20. Here comes Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández, author of "Heal Me With Your Mouth: The Art of Kissing" and (mostly) "Fiducia supplicans". Need I say more?

21. Catholics have traditionally liked to worship in beautiful churches that glorify God. So here is a French church (St Pierre Firminy) designed by Corbusier, probably by adapting his plans for a nuclear power station.

22. Here we have one of the real heavyweights, the great Cardinal Reinhard ("Rhino" or "Rainbow") Marx, a keen promoter of LGBT Catholicism.

23. With just two days to go, it's time for us to think of the true meaning of Christmas - SYNODALITY.

24. Pope Francis is seen here admiring the nativity scene, in which the baby Jesus shows solidarity with the Palestinians by lying on their traditional scarf.

The Book of Covidicus 24 - they think it's all over

Continued from Chapter 23.

1. Two years after the coming of the plague, it was decided that, after all, it was no longer slaying all the world, and had become much weaker.

2. No longer were the people asked to test themselves by waggling little sticks up their noses, screaming in agony, and then dipping the sticks into a mystic potion that could tell them if they were sick.

Congratulations, my son. Thou dost not have the plague.

3. However the rich merchants of Phi-za were still hoping to deliver seventy times seven vixens to every man, woman, and child.

4. Also, the children of Bri-tain stopped discussing the grave issue of whether Bo-sis had eaten a cake on his birthday.

5. Yeah, even Keir of the Labourites no longer mentioned the question more than three times per day.

6. For in the east there ruled a mighty tyrant known as Pu-tin of the Russites, grandson of Sta-lin, great-grandson of Le-nin, and he attacked the land of the Ukrainites.

Pu-tin knoweth his Enemy!

7. And such was his madness that he threatened to use the weapons known as nu-clear if the children of Bri-tain, the land of EUgypt, or even the distant Americas decided to fight.

8. Although the rich merchants of Phi-za promised to produce a vixen that would conquer all radiation as it done the great plague - maybe not the first time, and not the second time, but surely the seventy times seventh time.

9. And all the children of Bri-tain had to do was to waggle little sticks in their noses to discover whether they were emitting the ray that is gamma.

10. In which case, they would simply have to self-isolate in a concrete bunker for forty years.

Concrete bunker Sainte Bernadette du Banlay

11. And the children of Bri-tain cried out, "Oh no, not again! They want us to wear masks as well!"

12. So the monks who wrote the mighty books of Brexodus and Covidicus wondered whether it was time to bring this one to an end and begin a new story.

13. But should it be named The Book of Numbskulls or something else?

The story continues here.

How to be a Catholic blogger

Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).

Polly the nun, first seen here in 2011.

1. Make money out of it. There is nothing a reader likes more when he clicks on a blog than being asked the following:

i. Do you accept cookies?
ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted?
iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App?
iv. Can we come round to your house for tea?
v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)?
vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee?
vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!

As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest.

2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle.

3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right?

4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.

An old joke.

5. Don't use your real name when posting. Mundabor had that advice too. You use your own name to post something totally innocuous such as "2+2=4" or "Men have XY chromosomes" and the public will beat a path to your door, up the stairs, and into your bedroom, where you're peacefully lying in bed thinking of new insults for Cardinal Becciu. Luckily nobody knows that I am actually an eminent cardinal from Guinea!

6. If you can't think of anything to write, run a poll. Thanks to me the world now knows that the worst hymn ever written is "Lord of the Dance", that the worst Cardinal is Cupich (until the next poll, which is not far away), and the ugliest church is St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan. So you know what to avoid.

"We're please to welcome Cardinal Cupich today. And now, Hymn number 666, 'Lord of the Dance'."

7. Post when you feel like it. Professional Catholics have to produce posts, scoops, Youtube stuff, podcasts, interpretative dance videos, etc. etc. on a regular basis. Darn it, even bishops feel they have to produce pastoral letters when all they can think to talk about is carbon footprints and "build back better". Can't they just say "You're all DOOOMED!" and leave it at that?

So, only post when you have something brilliantly incisive and witty to say. Like I do.

Eccles (Nobel Prize for humility).

Eight bad churches... and two very bad cardinals

We're reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Ugly Churches - where "ugly" can be interpreted loosely as "I wish I hadn't seen this picture." Here is the draw for the knockout stages, and this post will be updated to record how things go (we start the Twitter vote on Monday).

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1. Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley (USA) v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges (Germany)

Torture chamber meets demolition site.

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2. Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli (India) v Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid (Spain)

Aeroplane meets gun battery.

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3. St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan (USA) v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden (GER)

Sauron's castle meets bouncy castle.

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4. Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay (France) v Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid (Spain)

Hippopotamus meets carpark.

QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 54.2 - Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges 45.8

Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli 44.3 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 55.7

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 63.8 - Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden 36.2

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 78.9 - Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid 21.1

SEMI-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 35.4 - St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 64.6

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 27.5 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 72.5

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 70.7 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 29.3

FINAL

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 50.8 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 49.2

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Meanwhile, here are some other things to think about: Cardinal Marx (officially the world's 2nd worst cardinal), rejects a beautiful altar in favour of a piece of junk.

Your Eminence, we did advise you not to sit on it.

And someone who will surely be a strong contender in the 2021 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, Uncle Wilt, or Wilton Gregory, who seems to have been given a red hat because he hates Donald Trump even more than Pope Francis does.

Uncle Ted and his protegé.

Anyone seen that McCarrick report yet?

The World Cup of Ugly Churches - nominations requested

Time for another World Cup. We've done Bad hymns (Lord of the Dance), Bad cardinals (Cupich), Bad Catholic journalists (James Martin), and Liturgical abuses (Idols).

So let's have a World Cup of Ugly Churches. They can be Protestant, Catholic, Orthodox - any Christian denomination. We'll exclude mosques, Buddhist temples, etc. (which tend to be quite attractive anyway, although not spiritually nourishing).

To nominate something please provide a URL that links to information about the church in question*, so that I can get a picture and be sure that it really is a church and not a warehouse or nuclear bunker. The photo can be taken outside or inside, whichever you prefer.

*either by replying to this post, or by replying to my Twitter advert.

Voting will be by Twitter polls, and will start when I have enough entrants.

To get us started, here are three strong-looking contenders.

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid, Spain.

Wotrubakirche, Vienna, Austria.

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay, France.

Remember that all these were built in order to glorify God. Or at least to make the architect rich.