This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 5 April 2015

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

Cameron and Pope Benedict

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

flight into Egypt

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Labour mug

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

7 party leaders

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Cameron at fish market

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!


  1. Naturally, David Cameron doesn't know what he's talking about. All traditional Catholics know that the Resurrection is mostly about Easter bonnets, which I shall be blogging about shortly. And did you know that Coptic tradition has it that all donkeys in Egypt are descended from that one the Holy Family arrived on? So they are especially revered and only mistreated by Muslims. And it's a good thing the pilot on the flight into Egypt didn't deliberately crash the donkey into a pyramid, eh?

    Well, that's enough wisdom from the Easter Bunny, so happy Easter Eccles!

  2. I wrote an essay about the Three Wise Men and their gifts many years ago. Myrrh isn't just symbolic, although it was used in embalming corpses so was indeed associated with death. But it has been discovered to have anaesthetic properties (not very strong, but probably enhanced by alcohol). Apparently the mixture was used to stupefy prisoners undergoing crucifixion, either out of mercy or to prevent them struggling too much, which would accelerate the death. So that they might sleepwalk to their fates.

    My comment more suitable for Good Friday, sorry! Happy Easter to you and yours, Eccles.

  3. Do a Google search of 'David Cameron kisses a lamb on Easter Sunday' - I would love to see what you make of it!

    Happy Easter.

  4. Thanks for this Eccles. Made my day!

  5. It illustrates the point admirably in the recent photo above, when it is said Cameron is seriously out-of-touch when he visits Benedict XVI thinking he is still the pope!

  6. I have always said only a mug would vote for Labour.