This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Eccles refuses to bake a cake

Since my name is Eccles, cakes are never far from my mind; so, needing some extra cash, I opened a cake shop. All went well to start with, and orders flooded in, with "CONGRATULATIONS ON BEING SAVED" cakes one of my specialities.

It is not generally known that cake can be a route to Salvation.

I even baked a custard pie for Cardinal Pell, which he said, mysteriously, he was going to "shove in the face of that old buzzard Kasper." I don't really understand the Australian vernacular, but I think it had something to do with a Synod.

Pope Francis enjoys an Eccles cake.

So all was going well until three guys came into the shop and said "Hello, we're from ISIS. Can you bake us a 'KILL THE CHRISTIANS' cake?"

"No, I don't think so. Isn't that illegal in the UK at present? I might be prosecuted for inciting people to break the law."

"OK, then. Make the slogan 'SUPPORT KILLING CHRISTIANS.' You can't object to that. In the Middle East, we have the right to murder Christians and nobody in your country seems to mind. We want to extend this right to everyone. Its called Equal Murder. Equality's always a good thing."

"But I don't have to make cakes bearing messages I disagree with."

"You do, actually. Otherwise, we in ISIS will sue you for hurt feelings. Look at Jihad Cecil here, he's already starting to cry. Cheer up, Cecil, old man. No, you know what judges are like. It'll be worth £100,000 to us any time."

Eccles goes out of business.

And that is why I no longer make cakes.


  1. I actually like Eccles cakes although it is many years since I ate one. By the way, I saw a map on the Daily Torygraph (UK) of the results of the general election which you are going to have sometime soon. It had a huge swathe of land covered in blue and all of Scotland is coloured yellow (a good colour there I suppose). I see also that the new bishop of Leeds wants to throw away all those Trident missiles. Perhaps the whole of the UK should be coloured yellow.

  2. Oh dear. I will have pick up my lallies and troll over to 'Bona Cakes', run by Julian and Sandy, instead.

  3. That's good labour-saving sense, Bruvver Eccles -- for if the Greens have their wonderful non-judgmental multi-poly-matrimonial ways, how many brides, grooms, and "families" involved and how many slices of cake they'll need might be a professional nightmare !!!

    Thank heavens for all those reassurances about how civil unions for homosexuals wouldn't lead to polygamy legislation, and the total destruction of Marriage as such !!!

  4. Don't we already sanction Muslim polygamy and recognise it in the tax system?