The 2023 Catholic Advent Calendar

Here it is then, your handy cut-out-and-throw-away guide to this year's Advent Calendar.

Behind the windows we find:

1. Slightly early, we start this year's Catholic Advent Calendar in the only way possible - by being synodal.

2. It's a new boy on the block, Cardinal "Tucho" Fernández, whose job is to keep us on the straight and narrow. No sniggering at the back, please.

3. Behind today's window of the calendar we find a packet of Uncle Ted (McCarrick)'s rice. Delicious!

4. An old friend - the Mercy logo, designed by the merciful Pope's favourite artist, Marko Rupnik.

5. Who is that grumpy character hiding behind the next window of the calendar? Why it's Austen Ivereigh, official spin-doctor and synod "expert"!

6. Today's star of the calendar has chosen to offer Mass while dressed as Tarzan in leopard-skin vestments. This is what being Church is all about!

7. The Catholic Advent Calendar displays a Christmas stamp, based on some of the finest artwork available in the Vatican collection.

8. Blushing modestly, Sister Natalie Becquart emerges from behind today's window. Natalie is a synod mother, but in her spare time she is interested in religion.

9. All the holy people we have seen so far on the Catholic Advent Calendar need sacred spaces for their worship, and the Bristol airport multi-faith bus shelter is one of the most sacred.

10. Behind today's door there's Father Brown, a Catholic priest who wears a maniple round his neck. Watch out - your priest may be doing the same!

11. Michael Voris comes out of the Vortex to appear on our calendar. In disgrace with Church Militant, but he should easily find a job in an institution without a morality clause, such as the Vatican.

12. A very popular cardinal, Wilton Gregory, pops his head out of today's window. Uncle Wilt is very fond of traditional worship - some of it dating as far back as the 1960s.

13. We see "the grammar of synodality on display" (to quote the Vatican) - lots of people with nothing better to do sitting round tables and chatting.

14. Oh look, we see Uncle Arthur Roche, cake-eater and TLM blocker extraordinaire, modelling one of those trendy blue "I'm really a layman" shirts.

15. You may have been expecting the traditional photo of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, but instead it's his book "Come forth", all about how Lazarus was the disciple Jesus loved and a pioneer of homosexual rights. Top theology!

16. We open the next window to reveal Fr Guilherme, the DJ priest!

17. Now we see financial wizard Giovanni Becciu, who, we hear, is now moving to a new address!

18. We see the best of contemporary worship in today's picture, as a priest demonstrates the use of an inflatable altar.

19. Cardinal Marx enjoying an LGBT Mass. Big Rhino is expected to welcome the new Church teaching on blessings (whatever it is).

20. "BE SYNODAL" screams a synod expert. We must, since of course a kenotic de-centering is a new way of being Church!

21. Time to relax with some beautiful architecture as today we see the famous "multi-storey car park" church in Madrid, which I visited a few weeks ago.

22. It's Cardinal Cupich taking part in a pagan ceremony involving a dragon. We don't know whether FFS permits him to bless the creature, but he does anyway.

23. That fat man whom nobody believes in has dropped in from the North Pole to do some popesplaining. Yes, it's Mike Lewis of "Where Potato Is"!

24. We end as we began - synodally. This is now a listening Church and Pope Francis is always willing to listen to what the faithful have to say. (Offer does not apply to Africa, Poland, and a few other rigid places.)

And a merry and blessed Christmas to all readers!

Fr James Martin turned into pillar of salt

We regret that Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, the well-known activist and alleged Jesuit priest, suffered an incident today in which he was turned into a pillar of salt.

A photo taken just before the incident.

Father Martin was going about his normal clerical business, blessing a "gay couple" in accordance with his intepretation of the latest papal document "Fiducia supplicans" (we don't use Latin much these days, but it apparently means "Fiddled the accounts", and was written as an homage to Cardinal Becciu). Eye-witnesses of what happened after that are a little confused, but we do have a photo of the scene shortly afterwards.

Spot the difference!

At this point a witty pun, something like "That's your Lot, Jimmy," would be appropriate, but it would be in bad taste at a time when we are mourning one of the great men of our age. (Actually, Jimbo is said to be still alive, but his activities will henceforth be very limited by his saline nature.)

How to confuse the Catholic Church

Yes, another instalment of our long-running series on "How to be a good pope", designed for those readers who, by kenotic de-centering, respecting the protagonism of the Spirit, and finding a new way of being Church, have managed to make it to the top job in the new listening Church!

The story so far. After ten years, you sense that your days of Peronist dictatorship are coming to an end. All that remains is to nominate your successor - Touchy-Feely, Fat Arthur, or perhaps Pa-Oh Lin, the inscrutable Chinaman - and you can expire peacefully to cries of "Make him a saint!"

Santo Subito!

But all is not well. Obviously little Ivory, C.N.N. Lambchop and "Where Potato Is" Mike are too polite to mention it, but there is some unrest among the faithful. What can you have done that could possibly upset Catholics? Was it your naughty story Amorous Letitia? Could it be your devotion to Pachamama? Surely not your treatment of the Church in China? Or was it Trads Cussed (memo: get Arthur out of the cake shop and send him off to close down more TLMs)? Or is it your protection of dirty old Rapenik? Then again, surely nobody could object to your attempts to starve a certain American cardinal into submission?

It's all a big mystery, but you know your conscience is clear. So how can we confuse the Church today?

"I do wish he wouldn't stand so close."

In walks Cardinal Touchy-Feely, blows you a kiss (this time you have taken care to keep behind a solid table), and makes a suggestion. "Tell them that priests can bless burglars," he suggests, "but only if they leave their masks, striped pullovers and bags marked SWAG at the door of the church. The burglars, I mean, not the priests."

"They already can," you reply, puzzled. "What difference will it make?"

"I've come for a blessing, Father. Because I've got another job planned."

"Can't you the the headlines in America Rag, the National Catholic Fishwrap and the even more secular press? "POPE FRED SAYS THAT BURGLARY IS OK", "NEW CATHOLIC TEACHING ON THEFT", "TEN COMMANDMENTS? THROW THEM OUT!" "WHO IS THIS SAINT PAUL ANYWAY?" "GERMAN BISHOPS VOTE TO ORDAIN BURGLARS", "FATHER MARTIN JAMES SJ SAYS 'COME INTO THE CLOSET AND HELP YOURSELVES!'"

Of course! Nobody is going to talk about anything else from now on. As you draft your new letter "Fiddling the Supplies" (an homage to Cardinal Becciu), you reflect that Touchy-Feely will make a great Pope Fred II.

Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

The worst synod jargon - the last stages

I hope you will agree with me that:

In this time of profound encounter and dialogue we offer the invitation to journey together, creating spaces for everyone so that we may live unity-in-diversity.

While:

Catholics must experience the synod, must do synod; conversation in the Spirit is a new way of being Church, so enlarge the space of your tent.

Whereas:

The synod mothers ask for a kenotic de-centering since listening and dialogue inspire decision-making processes in an authentically synodal manner.

Therefore:

The lived experience that has been shared through a listening Church respects the protagonism of the Spirit in God’s surprises.

Well, those are the last sixteen entries for the World Cup of Synod Jargon, tastefully arranged into four groups. We shall give the final results here (quarter-finals through to final) when we have them.

QUARTER-FINALS

a new way of being Church 71.9 -v- synod mothers 28.1

live unity-in-diversity 37.8 -v- a kenotic de-centering 62.2

respects the protagonism of the Spirit 56.3 -v- this time of profound encounter and dialogue 43.7

enlarge the space of your tent 49.3 -v- a listening Church 50.7

---

SEMI-FINALS

a new way of being Church 74.9 -v- respects the protagonism of the Spirit 25.1

a kenotic de-centering 59.3 -v- a listening Church 40.7

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

respects the protagonism of the Spirit 49 -v- a listening Church 51

BRONZE medal for "a listening Church"

---

FINAL

a new way of being Church 51.1 -v- a kenotic de-centering 48.9

GOLD medal for "a new way of being Church" and SILVER for "a kenotic de-centering".

The World Cup of Synod Jargon

The only way to understand the purpose of this Synod on Synodality is to see how people have described it. Accordingly we shall hold a World Cup of Synod Jargon, starting on Monday 30th October (using Twitter/X polls once more).

Synodal experts!

So far the runners and riders are as follows. I will accept more authentic nominations if they are genuine quotations from synodists, and I am adding new ones to the list as they are received.

a concrete, theologically astute application
a constitutive dimension
a harmony of unity and plurality
a kenotic de-centering
a listening Church
a missionary synodal Church
a new way of being Church
a place of acceptance and discernment
a synod doesn't decide — it discerns
an invitation to step towards God's table
authentic listening
beyond fragmentation and polarization
Catholics must experience the synod, must do synod
conversation in the Spirit
creating spaces for everyone
decision-making processes in an authentically synodal manner
encounters in faith
enlarge the space of your tent
experts in the synod hall
God's surprises
healthy restlessness of incompleteness
help open the doors of the church
humanity tempted by the post-human
involving and energizing the entire community
listening and dialogue
live unity-in-diversity
manage tensions
moving outwards towards everyone in order to go together

WHO LET RUPNIK IN?

not Babel — Pentecost
not concerned with emotions so much as motions
nourished unceasingly
our identity and vocation 
our pilgrim journey 
outpouring of the Holy Spirit
participation, governance, and authority
put the synod's fruits into action
significance of the round tables
synod mothers
that respects the protagonism of the Spirit
the art of new narratives
the courage to encounter reality
the horizon of communion
the invitation to journey together
the lived experience that has been shared
the most exciting moment in the Catholic Church since Vatican II
the synod process is organic and ecological 
the synodal Church as an integral experience
the truest, most vital dynamisms of the human
the vision of Vatican II
theological and ecclesial depth
this time of profound encounter and dialogue
useful for communal discernment
walking together

And if you read all that lot without screaming, then congratulations!

Synodal wimmin!

Dead people awareness month

Are you tired of Black Non-binary History Month? Do you yawn when reminded that it's Transgender Lives Support Week? Can you really bear the excitement of LGBTSJQED James Martin Coming Out Day?

Well, that's too bad, as the Catholic Church, at least, has designated November as Dead People Awareness Month. It's also known as People Without Lives Matter, and Gone to Meet Their Maker History Month (although of course it's true that most of history was made by people who are now pushing up the daisies).

People are sick of stripy flags, so we went for this very tasteful one.

We are looking forward to a lot of Dead People Awareness in November, although we are not expecting many dead people to celebrate in person. To kick off, November 1st is Saved Person History Day, and November 2nd is All The Other Dead People Day. After that it goes a bit downhill, but we end the month on a high note with St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, who also happens to be dead.

November 30th is also Saved Fishermen Awareness Day.

Of course all events will be overshadowed by the Synod - you may have realised that October was Synodal Bores Gobbledegook Month, in which all synodal participants were asked to conceal their inmost thoughts by cloaking them in buzzwords.

Sr Maria Grazia Angelini has shown that women can do this just as well as men (so why can't they be ordained?) with her classic "I pray that this synod receives the art of new narrations, the radical humility of knowing the likeness of the Reign of God in the most varied and human dynamisms."

However, Cardinal Joe "Nighty-night" Tobin is also doing well, with his "Synodality is a constitutive dimension of the Church since its origin that is still being realized today. Indeed, it expresses a radical call to conversion, change, prayer and action for all."

Meanwhile, other synodal "experts" continue to exchange gobbledegook.

Austen Ivereigh tells a horrified James Martin that he's just written yet another book about Pope Francis

We eavesdropped on the Synod

Nothing can keep down an ace reporter. I gatecrashed the 2013 conclave by borrowing a cardinal's robes (without permission, in fact), and today I was in the Synod of Synodiocy disguised as Sister Lesbia Nosebucket, the feminist nun and professor of transgender hermeneutics.

All reporting was forbidden: Pope Francis doesn't want it to be known what the views of the participants were, because he has already written the final report. Still, here are some of the snippets I managed to catch:

"When's the big hairy giant going to turn up?"

"Why don't we..."

"That's immoral! Let's do it."

"Austen, would you like some cushions so that you can reach the table?"

"Who's nicked my my Pachamama doll?"

"Haven't we met on Grindr?"

"These Team Rupnik tee-shirts really give us a sense of unity."

"I see your 'ordain donkeys' and raise you to 'bless people who marry donkeys'."

"Tucho just made an improper suggestion to me! Still, I'll think about it."

"Arthur, that food was for the whole table!"

"Give us a kiss."

"If you haven't read my book about Lazarus's LGBT orgies you've missed out."

"How did you do it with a melon?"

"I'm a deaconess. Do your own washing up."

"You're a Jesuit? There's a coincidence - I'm a weirdo too."

"Austen, you've licked my boots enough now."

"You're trans? What does the diocese think?"

"There's only insect pie for dinner, Arthur. Read my new essay 'Loada Te-dium'."

Marko Rupnik to participate in the Great Synod

In an unusual exercise of papal authority, Pope Francis has appointed the distinguished artist Fr Marko Rupnik (sometimes referred to as "Master of the Pope's Art", "The Artist Laureate", and "My Pal Marko who does those weird paintings") to the Secret Synod on Synodality.

From the Synod web page. Unusually, for a Rupnik, every person here has exactly two eyes.

Rupnik has of course been much in the news for his highly original activities, unsuitable for listing on a family blog that is read by nuns, children and Cardinal "TouchMe" Fernández. But since the Pope has also appointed Messrs. Zanchetta, Grassi, Barros and McCarrick to the distinguished membership of the synod, there is no danger of Maestro Marko feeling lonely.

It has coincidentally also been decided that the synod will be held behind closed doors, with just the occasional news bulletin to tell us what has been decided. Will it be lesbian priests? Transgender bishops (in addition to the ones we have already)? A banning of the Vernacular Mass to match the banning of the Latin Mass? Place your bets now.

We shall not see much of what is going on at the synod.

Some critics are unhappy with the favour shown to Marko Rupnik, but the great man is sure to offer the Church many new insights on sexual relations. Anyway, in the words of the "Where Pacha Is" blog - Pope Francis is always right, even when he's wrong.

In fact, it's thought that Pope Francis, having tormented the faithful with Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and much else, is running out of ways to stamp his personality on the Catholic Church, and this was the best he could do.

Well, the ground's in tip-top condition, and we can look forward to some first-rate synodal sport in the next few weeks. Let's finish off with one of my favourite paintings (from the Rupnik exhibition currently being held in the Ivereigh Gallery, Little-Scribbler-on-the-Moan).

The drunken custard-pie addict and his optically-challenged friends are back!

Fr Spadaro takes up education

Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.

HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson so that we can see how modern education works.

The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.

AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums. What is 2 plus 2, can anyone tell me?

Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.

AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.] Someone else?

[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]

AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be. Got that?

[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]

AS: Let's try Physics. What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?

[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]

AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!

And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!

AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?

Child 2: Jesus, sir!

AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!! Jesus is indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused. What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society. Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.

[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]

AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!

Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day.

[Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]

More about "Come Forth"

Disclaimer: when I last wrote about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ's new book, I thought I was joking when I said that "Come Forth" meant "Come Out" in the sense of "Stop suppressing your sexual urges, get your pants off, and come to the next Pride meeting!" But it seems that he did indeed mean this (plus a lot of nonsense about Lazarus being the disciple that Jesus loved). So I will try and do a better review.

My apologies to Fr Jim!

Extensive research (oh, at least 10 minutes) has shown that many of Jesus's sayings have double meanings.

Thanks to Fr Antonio "2+2=5" Spadaro we now know that Jesus was not always a cosy comfortable ice-cream eating Bidenite Catholic, but that He started His ministry as a nasty callous climate-denying rigid neo-Trumpian orange-haired brute. It was only after meeting the Canaanite woman (we don't have a name for her, but it was probably Nancy) that He became aware that His mission was to become a liberal LGBTQ-supporting Jesuit.

Could this be the Canaanite woman?

Once Jesus had been put on the correct path, Fr Jim tells us that He said many things which have been misinterpreted by theologians over the last 2000 years. Luckily Jimbo is here to put us straight! (Not the right word, but never mind.)

He that is without sin among you: let him cast the first stone. This is a great saying. It basically tells us that you can do what you like and nobody can criticise. Of course some people - such as the Pope, Jesuits, left-wing politicians, etc. ARE without sin, so if you find stones coming through your roof, you can be sure that they know about you.

Synodists (without sin) get fit for some stone-throwing.

I am the Alpha and the Omega. This quotation from the Book of Revelation shows that Jesus was already encouraging us to indicate our sexual preferences by letters. Nowadays we would say "I am the Lambda, the Gamma, the Beta, and the Tau" or "LGBT" for short. Similarly, modern theologians no longer speak of a Trinitarian god, but a non-binary God.

Was this the real message of Revelation?

Get thee behind me, Satan! This an invitation to LGBT-obsessed priests to get lost. Oh, sorry, this one isn't in Fr Jim's book. My mistake.

Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.

The eight worst synodal horrors

So the World Cup of Synodal Horrors, a little diversion to prepare you for the heretical bedlam expected in October, has reached the quarter-final stage.

The knockouts start on August 22nd, and the results of the final stages of the competition will be reported here.

Here we go... Treebeard the Ent is coming along too.

The draw is as follows:

Dr Austen Ivereigh 69.6 v Sr Nathalie Becquart 30.4

No congratulatory kiss for Sr Nathalie, as Austen's great experience gives him an easy victory here.

Bp Georg Bätzing 22.2 v Fr James Martin 77.8

Class tells, as Jimbo's long experience of undermining Catholic doctrine easily brushes aside the promising newcomer.

Cdl Blase Cupich 47.8 v Abp Víctor Fernández 52.2

The world's worst cardinal loses his first ever battle: sheer nastiness is not enough to see him through against the kissing bishop.

Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich 37.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 62.9

Uncle Arthur takes the cake here. The Hell Choir (anag.) cannot stop him.

---

SEMI-FINALS

Dr Austen Ivereigh 31.7 v Abp Víctor Fernández 68.3

Ivereigh the veteran horror is swept away by the passionate newcomer.

Fr James Martin 69.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 30.9

Two old friends of this blog slug it out, and England's last hope is eliminated.

---

THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF

Dr Austen Ivereigh 47.6 v Cdl Arthur Roche 52.4

Bronze Medal for Uncle Arthur, as he brushes aside the poison Ivereigh to take 3rd place.

FINAL

Abp Víctor Fernández 54.1 v Fr James Martin 45.9

Golden-calf "Tucho" pushes past silver-tongued Jimbo to win the competition. Now, boys, no fighting - please kiss and make friends.

---

To finish off, a few horrid synod-related pictures, most of which have already appeared here.

A little-known novel by Jane Austen

Spiritual exercises.

Our experts have been told how to respond to all enquiries.

No room for Father, Son, or Holy Spirit, but never mind.

"Coming out" - a new book from Martintrash (TM)

• Was Pontius Pilate the "beloved disciple" in John's Gospel?
• Did Mary Magdalene write Matthew's Gospel?
• Was Lazarus the "he who is without sin" who cast the first stone?
• Were the Gadarene swine really gerbils?

These are questions that have baffled New Testament scholars for generations, but now Fr James Martin SJLGBT, author of the best-selling "Learning to Prey", has all the answers!

Did the demons really say "Cast us into this flock of gerbils"?

From the man who told us that :

• at one time the entire Catholic Church consisted of Mary Magdalene;
• the Holy Spirit is female;
• it took Jesus two tries before He could successfully heal the blind man;
• He took advice from the Canaanite woman about what His mission was...

we have the answers to questions that left Ambrose, Aquinas, Athanasius and Augustine (also lots of people whose names come later in the telephone directory) saying "Cor strike a light, I haven't a clue about these!"

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Gregory the Great.

Note the title "Coming out" - was Lazarus really LGBT, and was this a hint from Jesus that he should recognise his true identity and move to New York? Well, I won't spoil the book for you by revealing all the secrets.

Already the critics are praising "Coming out".

Top Synodist, Dr Jane Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis, the great redeemer", "The Pope Francis keep-fit book", "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to sleep", and "Synod and Synodality" is full of praise for the book.

Hang on, Eccles, he really said that!

Eccles recommendation: Lose no time in reading this book!

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30

Continued from Chapter 29.

1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different reasons, were serious in their beliefs.

2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year" prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful "GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.

Those were happy times for Richard.

3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.

4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes, indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth, at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"

5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as "Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".

6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one, had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either male, female, or Snape.

7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne too much.

The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.

8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.

9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.

10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the slogan "Be kind".

11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"

12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"

"I agree with Richard!"

13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year award.

14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting as an external expert.

Continued in Chapter 31

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

World Cup of Synod Horrors - nominations please!

In memory of the recently deceased Synod O'Contrick, one of the great enemies of the Catholic Church, we are now going to run a World Cup of Synod Horrors.

The official list of the great and good is now posted, so we can see who will be redesigning Catholic teaching for us.

So at last we have a world cup in which both Cardinals Cupich and Roche (from last year's World Cup of Bad Cardinals) and James Martin and Austen Ivereigh (from the 2019 World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists) can meet on equal terms. Plus a few others who are ready to walk with them and tell the Holy Spirit what He has decided (is this the right language?)

My list so far is the following. Are there any others on the official list who should be added before we do another Twitter X-rated poll?

Abp Charles Scicluna
Abp Víctor Fernández
Bp Georg Bätzing
Cdl Arthur Roche
Cdl Blase Cupich
Cdl Christoph Schönborn
Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich
Cdl Joe Tobin
Cdl Jozef De Kesel
Cdl Kevin Farrell
Cdl Luis Tagle
Cdl Mario Grech
Cdl Michael Czerny
Cdl Pietro Parolin
Cdl Robert McElroy
Cdl Seán O'Malley
Cdl Timothy Dolan
Cdl Wilton Gregory
Dr Austen Ivereigh
Fr Antonio Spadaro
Fr James Martin
Fr Timothy Radcliffe
Sr Nathalie Becquart

We will exclude Pope Francis.