It Looks Nothing Like Pope Francis - the winners!

There are numerous pictures, models, effigies, etc. of Pope Francis in circulation, most of which look nothing like the Holy Father. As Pope Francis prepares to pack his bags and flee to Argentina, we present some of the worst, with thanks to various contributors.

A new "Looks nothing like Pope Pius XIII" line will be on sale soon.

Shine, Jesus, Shine!

A "gay" couple celebrate their (undersized) designer baby.

"But I prefer a good fudge."

Look more like a space alien than a pope.

Change the name on the base, and it can be anyone you like.

---

Whereas, we all know that Pope Francis is really the actor Jonathan Pryce.

Jonathan Pryce.

Except that Pryce (or possibly Francis) was once a James Bond villain.

Pryce (or Francis) in "Tomorrow never dies".

The Code of the Moggs

"I say, Jeeves," I asked my faithful valet one morning, "what do you make of this Moggmania that everyone's talking about?"

"A perfectly normal reaction, sir," replied the f.v. "Mr Rees-Mogg has announced that he is an orthodox Catholic, and so he is pro-life and believes in traditional marriage. This seems to have struck a chord with many people."

Thugg versus Mogg.

"But dash it, I say, Jeeves, aren't there any clerics to do that sort of thing? Why should it be left to old Moggers?"

I should explain at this point that Moggers and I go back a long way. We were both inmates at Aubrey Upjohn's prep school at Bramley-on-Sea. I once won a prize for Scripture Knowledge, but only because Moggers was ill on the day of the test. Of course, he won the prize easily in all the other years.

After being released from Upjohn's asylum, Moggers and I toddled off to Eton together, and the old bean is now one of my best friends. We meet regularly at the Drones Club to throw buns at "cloudy" Welby and the other heretics.

Professor O'Regan (Divinity) compliments Moggers on his scriptural knowledge.

Still, I didn't expect him to end up as a great spiritual leader, like that boy Dolly Lama, or the Argentine exchange student "Chop Suey" Bergles.

"I'm afraid, sir, that clerics no longer promote Catholic values," explained Jeeves. "Cardinal Nichols, for example..."

"Never mind my Uncle Vincent," I snapped at Jeeves. "He's very much the black sheep of the family. We don't mention him in polite company."

"Very good, sir. By the way, I really would not advise those 'gay Muslim' socks. We do not wish to be mistaken for the Prime Minister of Canada, do we, sir?"

A male model shows off his 'gay Muslim' socks.

"Good Lord, Jeeves, I thought they were rather natty! But I dare say you're right. I don't want strange people following me in the street. Take the socks and give them to Uncle Vincent."

"Thank you, sir. By the way, there is a telegram for you."

I read the missal.

BERTIE YOU OLD NEO-PELAGIAN STOP I NEED TO BORROW JEEVES STOP GOT MYSELF INTO A FIX WITH THE CHILEANS STOP EVEN BEANS FAGGIOLI CAN'T SPIN THIS ONE STOP SEND JEEVES TO ROME AT ONCE STOP BE A GOOD EGG STOP BERGLES

"I haven't heard from 'Chop Suey' Bergles for years, Jeeves. What has become of him, I wonder?"

"I understand that he has become Pope, sir," replied my manservant. "There is some dispute about whether he received a certain letter."

"Now remember, Bergles, the letter is in your case."

"Oh, what a tangled something-or-other we weave, when first we tumty-tumty something, eh, Jeeves?"

"Indeed, sir. If you will permit me, I shall suggest to Pope Francis that he employ the tactics of Mr Rees-Mogg."

"Take up Catholicism, you mean?"

"Precisely, sir."

What to do if a cardinal hands you a letter

It's time for another instalment in our "How to be a good pope" self-help guide, for those readers who may one day get dumped in the Hot Seat.

Suppose, just suppose, that a few years ago one of your cardinals handed you an eight-page letter detailing some really nasty things that happened in Chile with the connivance of one of your bishop pals. You have gone on record as saying you never received any such letter. But then, OOPS! Cardinal O'Malley insists that he did give you the letter.

Cardinal O'Malley, or maybe some other O'Malley.

Admittedly you don't have a very good record of dealing with letters from cardinals. Burke and co. might wish to remind you of those dubia you never got round to answering. Zen may remind you that he told you that the real Chinese bishops are all being tortured in dungeons while you cut deals to allow communist puppets to take their place.

Should you admit that you've been caught "doing a Kasper"? You remember that your mate "screwy" Kasper said some stuff which basically boiled down to "I don't like darkies," and then denied it. But it had actually been recorded, possibly on the advice of top Jesuit Fr Sosa, who believes nothing, including the Gospel, unless it is tape-recorded.

"No really, some of my best friends are Africans."

No, of course you don't admit anything. You can get your stooges (Spadaro, Faggioli, etc.) to deny that the letter was ever received. If it was important, why wasn't it sent recorded delivery and handed over by a properly qualified postman, rather than a totally unqualified cardinal?

There is also the Rex Mottram / Stephen Walford "infallibility" argument. In a spiritual sense the letter was never delivered at all, but, being sinful, Cardinal O'Malley failed to realise this.

If you imagine a letter in this picture, you are unsaved.

Just remember, you're the Pope. You are infallible. You cannot lie. There was no letter.

Still, check behind the sofa, just in case! .

Meet the Buzzfeed hack firing bitter pills at Father Z

Until I came across this piece, a hatchet job on "blogger priest" Father Z, I wasn't really aware that Buzzfeed did semi-serious journalism.

In fact, it usually turns up on Twitter via its moronic quizzes. Which Famous Serial Killer Are You? Which Heretical Jesuit Are You? Which Fatal Illness Are You?

Excuse my French! Apparently someone is paid to produce this garbage.

Still, we stumbled across something, and it turned out to be the immortal prose of one Joseph Bernstein. In the eyes of little Joseph, anyone who is not a committed Democrat is probably alt-right. Three of the sad little figureheads of Catholic Liberalism (or do I mean Liberal Catholicism?) are wheeled out: alt-Jesuit Jimmy Martin (catchphrase, "it's HATE"), odd-bod theologian Massimo Faggioli, and "Catholic Whiners" founder Austen Ivereigh. They all get a chance to put the boot in.

Well, I don't always agree with Father Z: indeed I have blogged about his fondness for guns (but he's American, and they still need them in Wisconsin for predatory redcoats, Injuns, buffaloes, drug-dealers, Democrats, Jesuits, etc., so I guess he has an excuse). There's also his excessive use of red ink, and, worst of all, the fact that I'm not allowed to comment on his blog, whereas so many less-saved people can do so. Oh, and he plugs "Mystic Monk" coffee, when my own "Numinous Nun" brand is far better.

An oldie, but a goodie. Fr Z takes the cure.

Well I looked up Joseph Bernstein, and his track record for boring articles is pretty good. Some time I must find out who Chelsea Manning is (all I know is that he was originally called Aston Villa Manning), and try and get excited about a museum that wants all its donors to believe in climate change...zzz...zzz...

Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the bitter pills fired at Father Z. Well, as Father DL notes (more-or-less), Mr Weinstein doesn't realise that Catholicism is more about tradition/modernism and orthodoxy/heterodoxy than straightforward right/left politics. Although you nay suspect that Benedict XVI votes for the Partito Italiano Conservativo, while Francis leans towards the Marxisto-Leninisto Socialisto Partito.

"Sigh! I guess our prayers are cancelling each other out as well."

Anyway, I need to change my name from Eccles to something extravagantly long, so that I can then be referred to affectionately as "Frater E". Something like Ecclesiasticolongendorf should do the trick. Then I too can be noticed by... drat, I've forgotten his name already. That Buzz Lightyear person.

The Destruction of Swedom and Germannah

1. And the people of Swedom and Germannah did great evil in the sight of the Lord.

2. Now some of them were Lutherans, but the Lord said "I shall not destroy them by fire, for they know no better."

"How nice of you to come and celebrate 500 years of heresy!"

3. However, the Catholics of Germannah had no such excuse, and the Lord was grievously offended by their deeds.

4. For there was a man named Rhino Marx, who had been set up as a leader of the Catholics of Germannah.

5. He came of a noble lineage, for his father was Karl, and his brothers included Groucho, Chico and Harpo.

Rhino, the last of the Marx brothers.

7. And in Germannah Rhino had decreed that there was only one possible sin.

8. Thus the man who committed adultery, the thief, the murderer, the bearer of false witness, and he who coveted his neighbour's ox were all deemed to be righteous.

9. But woe unto him who paid not his church taxes, for he would be excommunicated.

10. And Rhino Marx had a bed of iron, like unto that of Og of Bashan. For he had grown so fat by spending his church taxes on fatted calves and beer, that no wooden bed could support him.

"Guess what the Church is going to do next, Holy Father!"

11. Then one day Rhino spake out, saying, "Let us bless the unions of man with man, and woman with woman, which are very common in the lands of Swedom and Germannah."

12. "For there can be no evil in this if they have paid their church taxes."

13. And the Lord was exceeding wrathful, and said "I have made enough allowances for this fat buffoon."

14. "The time cometh soon when I shall rain brimstone and fire down on the land of Germannah."

15. And it was so.

Demon complains about being silenced

Judaea, AD 30.

The celebrity demon Nitram, who was scheduled to possess the soul of Mr Rusay, a local pastor, has complained about the actions of "that rad-trad, far-right Jesus", who has cancelled his speaking engagement and sent him down to the pits of Hell.

"All I wanted to do was build bridges."

Nitram, a prominent Demoncrat supporter who has publicly stated "Don't believe what they say about the Last Trump," is well known for his outspoken views on religion. His speaking engagement, occupying the soul of Mr Rusay, would have allowed him to put out a stream of blasphemy and heresy. Following an online petition (anyone know what this is? Some sort of prayer? St Mark doesn't say) Jesus was called in to cancel this engagement.

However, all is not lost, as Nitram's talk on "Why Jesus was a great sinner until he met the Canaanite woman, but that's not a problem" has been rescheduled for the Lake of Fire Lecture Theatre, where he expects a warm welcome.

Begone to the Tablet!

Supporters of Nitram, including H'gierevi of Crux and Legion of the National Catholic Reporter, have also complained about far-right rad-trad campaigns designed to reinforce Christian teaching. The debate for the soul of Catholicism continues.

Tim Kaine goes to Confession

This probably breaks several of the rules about the secrecy of the confessional, but we must take the risk. The penitent may have been a different senator, with a different priest, but the story is the same.

Senator Tim Kaine: Father, bless me blah blah blah, I can't be expected to remember the right form of words, can I? I'm a busy man.

Bishop Knestout of Richmond, VA (for it is he): Of course not, your importantship. Still, it's good to see you, and I am honoured to receive your confession in person, especially as I know you are incapable of sin.

When the Confession doesn't have any really meaty bits.

Tim: Yes, I wouldn't have come to Confession unless I knew that someone of the rank of bishop would be available.

Knestout: Now, how can I help you?

Tim: Well it's hard for me to think of any really interesting sins. I did make a rude noise during the State of the Union address. Also, I knocked over an old blind lady who was blocking my way this morning, but that's perfectly normal, isn't it?

Knestout: Totally normal, your wonderfulness.

Tim: Oh, and I chewed gum and spat it out during Mass.

Knestout: You're not being totally honest here, are you?

Tim: True. That was 3 years ago, and I confess it every time. I've not actually been to Mass recently.

Knestout: It seems to me that you're a typical modern Catholic. Keen on same-sex marriage and abortion, I see. Nothing else?

Tim Kaine with an unidentified friend.

Tim: Um, well suppose, hypothetically, that I voted against the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, admitting that I saw no problem at all with the idea that children should be tortured, dismembered, and ripped screaming from the womb, with their corpses thrown into a bin marked "biological waste"?

Knestout: Well, technically, you'd be excommunicated and I should announce it publicly. Meanwhile, you would need to do a penance which involved wearing a sign saying "I'M A SCUMBAG" round your neck for the rest of your life. Still...

Tim: Still?

Knestout: Look, I won't mention it, if you don't. I absolve you from your sins blah blah blah (now you've got me doing it!)

Tim: Thanks, padre. EXIT.

Pope Francis announces a cultural revolution

In his latest document Gaudeamus Igitur, our great Chairman Francis has announced a "cultural revolution" in pontifical universities. Thousands of capitalist running-dog theologians will be purged, and the rest sent out to the people's farms to plant rice.

Our chairman, in excellent health, seen here swimming in the Tiber with some friends.

Members of the ruling Jesuit party applauded Chairman Francis's latest "great leap forward", condemning the "paper tigers" of traditional Catholicism. This follows the notorious "long march" (in fact a long aeroplane journey) towards a new Catholicism.

Naturally the Chairman's supporters have been enthusiastically waving their little red books: these contain the thoughts of Chairman Francis, including his new translation of the "capitalist" Lord's Prayer, and his new "people's" Beatitudes.

The Thoughts of Chairman Francis.

Francis has promised to "let a hundred flowers" bloom, each symbolizing a new change in Church teaching. Critics of the regime have now largely disappeared, as "reactionary" party bishops have been sidelined and replaced by state-approved functionaries.

Sometimes, there has not been enough spineless people to go round. The Chairman's latest innovation is to replace them with wobbly blancmanges, believing (rightly) that nobody will be able to tell the difference.

A typical Francis-appointed cardinal (with modernist crozier).

I stand by Fr James Martin SJ!

Today's big question is the following: if someone is demonically possessed, should we stop them from speaking in church? Fr James Martin SJ has received another ban, this time from Our Lady of Lourdes Church, in the Diocese of Metuchen, NJ, and it all seems dreadfully unfair. Luckily the talk will still go ahead, probably at the sewage farm in French Town, NJ, the most appropriate venue they could find.

Standing by our most famous alt-Jesuit.

Contrast that cruelty with today's Gospel, where Our Lord met a man possessed by an unclean spirit. Actually, the man's teaching was less controversial than Fr Jim's stuff: for example, he said, "I know who You are: the Holy One of God!" Not something you'd expect Fr Jim to say. Of course, St Mark may have missed out some details: perhaps the possessed man was also telling anyone who would listen that the Holy Spirit was female, or that Jesus should go and chat to a Canaanite woman to find out what His real mission was. You can't mention every detail.

The point is that Jesus didn't try to shut him up, or move him to another venue, he simply used dialogue, and built bridges with the man. "Be quiet! Come out of him!" was the formula. The demon left the man, and went into a herd of Jesuits grazing nearby, who rushed down the hill and - I'm sorry, I seem to have turned over two pages at once.

Be quiet! Come out of him!

So, being known for our mercy, we stand by Fr Jim. Probably with a megaphone, so that we can shout COME OUT OF HIM! whenever the great man starts to speak.

We should note that Fr Jim blames his downfall on a far-right website named "Tradition, Family and Property." You have to watch out for these far-right fascists, in their black shirts (or shorts), shouting "What do we want? Tradition! Family! Property!" when what they should have asked for was "Modernism! LGBT relations! Ruin!" Yes, again Martin hits the nail on the head.

Fr Spode of the Black Shorts tells off Fr James Martin.

We are also told that "another far-right online site that traffics in hate and is similarly obsessed with homosexuality" is Church Militant. Obsessed with homosexuality, unlike Fr James Martin SJ, you notice. The picture below, of its leading light, Michael Voris, shows the depths of shame and degradation to which Church Militant has sunk.

In a shameless act of right-wing hatred, Voris eats an Eccles cake.

Remember that Fr James Martin SJ is an adviser to Pope Francis, and so, by association, is mostly infallible. Of course he is.

Trump criticised over award to Francis

The "Holy Father" of the Republican Church, Pope Donald, has been severely criticised by pious Republicans over his award to President Francis of the Vatican State.

"No, it's not chocolates. Guess again."

When the leaders met in May last year, Donald gave Francis various gifts, including the works of Martin Luther King ("I know you admire Martin Luther") and a bronze sculpture named Rising Above ("I've kept the receipt, so you can exchange it if you don't like it").

However, criticism in the Republican Church - the religion with the strongest pro-life credentials - is mounting. This is because Francis is known to be distinctly weak on this issue - he is a friend of Emma Bonino and Lilianne Ploumen - and gifts from Donald to Francis might be interpreted as saying that Pope Donald approves of President Francis's views.

The "other" church in America, the Democrats, is of course much less interested in pro-life issues, and although it is severely Protestant ("No Donaldry!"), it has not yet condemned Pope Donald for his award to President Francis, except in the sense of "Whatever Donald does is wrong."

Spin-doctors at the Washican have stressed that the gifts to Francis were "purely diplomatic protocol" and do not imply any endorsement of him. "In fact the award was actually meant as a slight," said one cardinal. "Can you really imagine President Francis sitting by the fireside of an evening reading the works of Martin Luther King, if there is football on the telly? And the sculpture is just going to get in the way."

Rising above. "Francis has already tripped over it three times."

Indeed, given that Francis gave Pope Donald a copy of his famous work Laudato Si', it is hard to be sure who was being slighted.

The Pope Francis book of vegetables

Everyone should explore the Pope Francis Lexicon, in which a bunch of oddballs, alt-Catholics, freaks, heretics, Protestants, loonies and "insightful contributors" each write on one-word themes favoured by the Pope. Readers may expect articles on Alzheimer's, Coprophagy, and neo-Pelagianism (all terms favoured by the Holy Father), but instead they will find Curia, Dignity, and Gossip, to pick three at random.

I'm still cracking up over "Insightful contributors".

However there is now a new book out, which promises to be both bodily and spiritually nourishing. It's the Pope Francis book of vegetables, in which insightful contributors write about the vegetables that have influenced the Pope's thought.

We only have space for three excerpts.

ASPARAGUS, by Tina Beattie.

Asparagus to most of us is a phallic symbol, which typifies the misogynistic hegemony of the Vatican. The Mass is an act of homosexual intercourse, and who can eat asparagus without being reminded of this? Although Pope Francis has done a lot to modernize the Catholic Church, his gynophobia will be seen as a blot on his rule. "Tina, can you do the flower arranging next Sunday?" they say to me, when what they should be saying is "Tina, can you celebrate Mass for us, drop the bit about God, and explain to us why the whole point of Catholicism is women's rights?" Asparagus!! I hate it!!

Human nourishing, human flourishing, ... whatever.

BEANS, by Massimo Faggioli.

Although my main diet is "gelato", or ice-cream, eminent professors of theology cannot live by ice-cream alone, and so my incredibly large brain is often fuelled by a plate of beans. Runner beans, broad beans, baked beans, kidney beans... all these help me understand the way that the Catholic Church has been moving, ever since it was founded in 1965. You will observe that the right-wing fundamentalist extremists who disagree with me hardly ever eat platefuls of beans, and it may be this that explains their spiritual blindness. Pope Francis is a man who looks to the future, and realises that the past never happened. The future is beans, not has-beans (an intellectual's little joke there!)

The 57 varieties, replacing the 10 commandments.

POTATOES, by James Martin.

The word "potato" is often used as a homophobic slur against the LGBT movement, because all words are. Still, many modern theologians tell me that Jesus was very fond of potatoes, and that the "bread" of the Last Supper is a mistranslation for "fries". But back to more important things, namely, the need for all of us to embrace homosexuals, especially in church. Pope Francis has appointed me as his special adviser on potatoes, gay issues, and building bridges - and I have been asked to keep an eye open for new interpretations we can put on the Bible - and it will not be long before we have a gay pope!

Three potatoes of the same sex in a loving relationship.

For more in-depth articles, including Cupich on Spinach, Radcliffe on Radishes, and Ivereigh on Turnips, see the book.

A guest post from Peter Hitchens (age 11)

In skool we have been studdying the CATHLIC MATERS under Queen Elizzabeth, who was CHURCH OF ENGGLAND cheers cheers, and not a nasty Cathlic like her sister BLODDY MARRY. Mr CRANNMER our histry teecher told us to go and read the "orthoritative text" on the refformation, which is 1066 and all that. This tells us that queen elizzabeth was a GOOD THING and was known as GOOD QUEEN BESS, especially by all the people she had executted.

The book is jolly exciting, as it hav lots of bludshed in it, and people being hung, drawn and quatered cheers. I asked mr crannmer if we could do a skool play with fotherington-tomas in the roll of edmund campoin, but he said no, hitchens, fotherington-tomas may be a cathlic but you must show MERCY. This is wot he calls being ECUMENICKLE chiz chiz. I discard him.

We hav also been reeding fox's book of maters, which explanes that all the angliccans that died were HEROES and all the cathlics were traitors. Who would have thort that religoin could do that my dere?

The hitchens-peason anti-cathlic trapp.

Anyway, in brief the story is that all cathlics were giulty of TREESON, because POP PUIS V in ROM said that GOOD QUEEN BESS was a HERETTIC and not SAVED and shuold not be the QUEEN. So it was ILLEGAL to be a cathlic preist, and also to go to MASS. In fact it was probabbly ILLEGAL to beleive in God, becuase I asked MR WELLBY the skool chaplin, and he says that the traditoin of ATHIESM in the church of enggland is very strong even to this day.

This is MAGARET CLITHEROE who was a secret agent for POP PUIS chiz.

We also studdied the MATERDOM of magaret clitheroe, who was a sort of MARTYR HARI spy for the POP and spent her time sheltering cathlic preists rather than doing the PATROITIC THING and handing them over to be hung, drawn and quatered. She was killed by having HEAVY WIEGHTS squashing her, which was a GOOD THING and made everyone VERY HAPPY.

Well thats all ive got time for now, but you can lern more about the GOLDEN AGE of RELIGOIN on my twitter account or the MALE ON SUNDAY.

Pope appoints a new leader for China

In return for Pope Francis's generous gesture in allowing the Chinese government to sack validly ordained Catholic bishops and appoint its own rather dodgy nominees (the "Henry VIII" option), Xi Jinping has agreed to step down as General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission (also, Lord High Everything Else), to allow the Holy Father to appoint his own nominee.

Fa-go Li*, tipped as the new President.

*Chinese for "bean shoots", number 47 on the menu.

It has been agreed that nobody in holy orders will be allowed to take up the post, and so those eminent Chinese Par-o Lin, Ro-si Ca, Spa-da Ro, and Ji-ma Tin (among others) are excluded from this prestigious post. Among the Chinese laymen available, it seems that Fa-go Li and I-va Ree will fit in best with the Communist ethos required.

Meanwhile Cardinal Zen has admitted that he is in fact a Buddhist and not a Catholic at all. The faithful were becoming suspicious when in Masses he always began with "If the Lord is with thee, it is Zen. But if the Lord is not with thee, that is Zen too," and moved on to the "One hand clap" of peace. Since many leading members of the Catholic Church are in fact Lutherans, and Vincent Nichols is a Hindu, this has not come as any great shock.

It began as a "set meal for 13" but then...

The power struggle between those sinister Chinese, Fa-go Li and I-va Ree, for the supreme leadership is likely to be furious, and we may expect to see bloodshed before a decision is taken. Little Bo-Bi Mik was also expected to throw his hat in the ring, but since he is currently very very cross with Pope Francis about what happened in Chile, it is unlikely that Pope Francis will back him.

Support I-va Ree, he's got a proper Chinese suit!

Meanwhile, Tee-na Bee, Catholicism's leading laywoman (well, after that Plou-men woman), is furious that she is not being considered for high office. But let's face it, Tee-na, women just don't get the jobs they deserve!

Pope Francis goes into orbit

It has long been realised that Pope Francis is a little bored with Planet Earth, and does most of his good work (e.g. developing new Catholic doctrine, weddings, funerals, mass-ordination of journalists to the priesthood, etc.) while flying in the PopeJet. The fact that he is 35,000 feet above most of his flock gives him a "buzz" as well as an air of authority.

The time has now come for him to leave terra firma entirely. The first plan was for him to fly round the world for ever in the PopeJet, but this would require regular in-flight refuelling. So the only reasonable answer is for Pope Francis to be the first Pope in Space!

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife - whoever you are!"

There has been much talk about making space travel available to all - well, to all who can afford it - mainly from Richard Branson, who hasn't even managed to make train travel available to all. The Catholic Church is anxious to cash in on the Virgin brand, for obvious reasons, and the Pope has agreed to perform "the sacrament of your choice" for anyone who turns up at the PopeStation.

The papal flight to Chile was very productive, for, in addition to marrying/blessing the marriage of/regularizing the marriage of* Chief Trolley Commander Carlos Ciuffardi Elorriaga and Deputy Lifejacket Demonstrator Paola Podest Ruiz, who had spent 8 years vainly looking for a church, the Pope also conducted the funeral of a passenger who had died, or at least wasn't at all well, before shooting his body out over the Andes.

*Depending on which account you read.

Incidentally, it is said that the reason the Pope signalled out C.T.C. Elorriaga for a wedding was that this was the first heterosexual male flight attendant that the Holy Father had ever encountered.

An army of deacons stands by to assist Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, old-fashioned earthbound priests are now encouraged to close their churches and invest in private aeroplanes, especially since there is now a huge demand from Catholics for "stunt" weddings. For a small fee, your priest will even agree to make a parachute jump with you, while performing the marriage service.

Anyway, this whole saga has re-established Pope Francis as "the man at the top", and nobody has mentioned Lilianne Ploumen for at least two days. Which was probably the whole point of the exercise.

"Remember, in Space nobody can hear you scream. Which is a good thing..."

How a pope should give out medals

This is the latest instalment in our self-help guide "How to be a good pope", designed to help those of our readers who may suddenly find themselves catapulted into the Chair of St Peter.

Now, as Pope you have lots of gongs that you can hand out to your friends. For example, the Badge for Amoris Laetitia Learning and Study (BALLS) is for those who unquestioningly agree with everything Amoris Laetitia says, showing aggression when anyone asks them to explain something.

Likewise, the St Ignatius Medal for Profoundly Lecherous Explanations (SIMPLE) is for Jesuits who suggest that naughtiness - especially between members of the same sex - is all right really; while the Francis Order of Logic (FOOL) goes to those who maintain, in the face of all opposition, that 2+2=5.

"Look! The Pope loves me!"

There are also some older awards that your more rigid predecessors instituted. For example the Pontifical Equestrian Order of St. Gregory the Great. These are for giving out in a "goodie-bag" to any visiting dignitaries who come to see you, together with a chocolate model of Martin Luther, a copy of Amoris Laetitia, and a comical red nose.

Now, as Pope you are a very busy man, with lots of other duties to perform. Obviously, you've managed to save some time by cutting down the praying and worshipping, but you still have to keep your "frequent flier" platinum status, and catch up on your unanswered correspondence - some cardinals have been waiting for answers from you for over a year.

So you delegate the award of the goodie-bag to one of your lackeys, who probably didn't bother to check the credentials of the people who received them. And here's the problem.

"The Pope loves me too!"

Among the lucky recipients of your latest batch of medals are five euthanasiacs, four torturers, three war criminals, two serial killers, and an abortionist in a pear tree. Well, that's fairly normal, if you will insist on giving awards to politicians. But it's embarrassing.

Your critics are going to say, "The Pope should withdraw the honour. The buck stops here. We don't think he's very pro-life anyway. Remember Emma Bananas?"

Your fans are going to say, "Of course he knew nothing about it, and will never find out, as he doesn't read the paper, and anyway he's far too busy partying in Chile right now, and have you noticed that it's always the same people who criticise the Pope? The rigid ones who believe in Christian doctrine! Didn't you read America's latest survey in which 99% of women who never go to church said he was a living saint? Now get lost, I've got to practise the piano."

Playing the piano versus populum, as recommended by Vatican II.

And you? What will you do? Why, nothing of course. You're in Chile, where they don't have the internet, or newspapers, or telephones. And by the time you get back there will be some new scandal to amuse people. Well done!

I'll be the Eminence Grey, sir!

To celebrate Cardinal Vincent Nichols's recent complete and utter silence on moral issues such as abortion, and his new support of the dissident organization Quest, we have rewritten a classic song in his honour.

Any resemblance between the following song and the "Vicar of Bray" (words and historical background here, and a sung version here) is purely deliberate.

In good Pope Pius' golden days,
When I was just a laddie,
I knew that if I wanted power,
I'd have to be a traddy.
At football matches I wore red,
Dressed in the finest satin.
In Liverpool they speak broad Scouse,
But I spoke classic Latin.

And this is law, I will maintain
Unto my dying day, Sir.
That whatsoever Pope may reign,
I'll be the Eminence Grey*, Sir!

*Eminence Grise, a person of great power.

"That kid's up to no good."

When John the saintly came to rule
And called a great assembly,
I really thought "Oh, this is dull,
I'd rather be at Wembley!"
The Council's rush for drastic change
I could not but acknowledge,
So feeling "cool" and "modern", I
Went to the English College.

And this is law...

When Paul the Sixth possessed the throne
Amidst reforms spectacular
I dropped my Latin, and soon learnt
To pray in the vernacular.
And as the liberals seized the church
I grew each day much bolder.
I got ordained and offered Mass
With God behind my shoulder.

And this is law...

"Watch out, that young chap is up to no good."

John Paul the first did not stay long
But soon we got the Second:
Quite orthodox was I just then
And soon preferment beckoned.
From Westminster (auxiliary)
To Birmingham translated -
As Archbishop, I knew that now
For greatness I was slated.

And this is law...

When Benedict became the Pope,
He thought I was inspiring,
To Westminster he sent me then
Since Cormac was retiring.
Summ-or-um Pont-i-fic-um now
Meant Us-us An-ti-qui-or.
It caused most liberals, like me
Despair, regret and fear.

But this is law...

"Watch out, he's up to no good."

At last they drove old Ben away.
Pope Francis came, and said that
To mark the year of Mersey, now
I'd get my longed-for red hat.
I praised the clarity and style
Of good Pope Francis' preaching,
Though soon the outraged world found out
He'd dropped all ancient teaching.

And this is law...

Any time you feel like retiring...

So now I have run through the list
Of popes I've had to follow,
And if I don't become the next,
Then life will seem quite hollow.
For Quest and ACTA I support,
I let "gay" masses flourish,
And this is what you'll get from me
When e'er Pope Francis perish.

Still, this is law, I will maintain
Unto my dying day, Sir.
That whatsoever Pope may reign,
I'll be the Eminence Grey, Sir!