This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

All you need to know about the fanon

Pope Innocent III in fanon

The fanon - a bodyblow against liberal Catholicism.

Certainly the most exciting thing to happen in the Catholic church this week was the return of the papal fanon, which the Holy Father wore for the Pontifical Mass on Sunday.

What is the fanon?

It is a gold-and-white cape, which only the Pope may wear. Anyone else wearing it is guilty of impersonating the Pope, and will be arrested for identity theft. The same penalty applies if any impostor attempts to open a bank account in Rome under the name of Pope Benedict XVI, or to canonize his own friends.

Pope Benedict XVI in fanon

Probably the real Pope.

What is the significance of the Pope's wearing the fanon?

It is sending a powerful message to the liberal wing of the church that they have finally lost. Having seen the fanon in action, Catherine Pepinster is believed to have gone into hiding, Tina Beattie has joined the Methodists, and Hans Küng has hastily sold his two-metre-high statue to a farmer needing a scarecrow.

Hans Küng

My name is Ozymandias, Küng of Küngs. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!

Why did the fanon fall into disuse, anyway?

One very hot day, Pope John-Paul II was trying to put a pile of Vatican II documents into some sort of order. Unfortunately, the electric fan that he was using to cool the room caused a breeze, and some of the most important documents about the hermeneutic of continuity blew out of the window and were never seen again. "We don't need the fan on!" shouted the Pope in an infallible way: and henceforth it was so.

What will the Pope wear next?

The 16th century papal doublet and hose are probably next to be resurrected; or possibly the pope will go straight to the fisherman's garments worn by St Peter.

St Peter

A statue of St Peter, in traditional fisherman's robes.


  1. I thought the use of the fanon indicated that a new set of draperies had been purchased by the Vatican housekeeper. Kind of the Scarlett O'Hara way to recycle.

  2. Strikes me a win for the libs: block the SSPX and we shall let you wear the fanon.

    What's the sedia gestatoria worth? Anyone know? Kung raised to the purple?

  3. Darling eccles, it is usually accompanied by a Fisherman's Friend - as Ma P is known in some circles. Xx Jess

    1. Hi Jess, sorry to hear dat you broke your wrist. Wuold you like a saved pusson to pray for it?

  4. I think there was a misinterpretation like wot you said, I think he said "Blimey o'reilly Guvnah, innit 'ot in 'ere, can we 'av the fan on"But it all went pear shaped coz someone had the fan at home cos of the wife's age.

    Next thing you know it's talked about in places beginning with B by blokes wot were brettahs.