This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Papal visit 2018

Calculations made with the aid of the book of Jeremiah, the predictions of Nostradamus, and the Mayan calendar indicate that Pope Francis will make an official visit to the UK in 2018. We have an exclusive preview of the programme.

Kiss me, Pope Francis

Pope Francis kisses the feet of a sinner (probably Richard Dawkins).

The visit will include a ceremony of beatification of Monsignor Basil Loftus: if the old fellow is still alive in 2018, then another prominent British cleric will be chosen, perhaps Cardinal Godfrey (who died in 1963 shortly after attending the first session of Vatican II and hearing what Loftus had in mind).

Cardinal Godfrey

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Loftus?

One of the highlights of the papal visit will be a "gay mass" in Westminster Cathedral, celebrated by Archbishop Vincent Nichols with additional contributions from Terry Weldon. Pope Francis will be heavily sedated to stop him from walking out.

There will also be a special lecture from Professor Dame Tina Beattie, Regius Professor of Heretical Studies at the University of Cambridge. The lecture will be called Lumen Gentium part 94 - a modern look at some of Christ's worst mistakes. The lecture will end with Dame Tina attacking the Pope with a mop, symbolizing a necessary clean-up in the Catholic Church.

Tina Beattie

Can you lend me a mop?

The more orthodox wing of the church will not be forgotten. Bishops Finigan and Finnegan, part of a wave of more traditionally-minded prelates created as a direct result of the intercession of Antonio Mennini, will celebrate a Latin Mass in honour of the Holy Father, whether he wants one or not. Afterwards, there will be a special showing of Michael Voris's video Bore-tex, and the Pope will be served with a cup of "Mystic Monk" coffee.

Daily resurrection

Saved people drink "Mystic Monk" coffee.

The final event of the Papal visit was supposed to be the presentation of a red hat to Archbishop Vincent Nichols, although the predictions of Jeremiah suggest that perhaps ++Vin will have coals of fire heaped on his head, instead. Still, all details are, at this stage, provisional.

Conry in hard hat

Bishop Conry protects himself from being hit by a thunderbolt.


  1. It was all so believable until you mentioned a red hat for Vinny the Bish.

  2. Darling eccles, is you now in the prophecy business now? It clearly runs in the family xx Jess

    1. Bosco and me is both readin Jeremiah lookin for fun, Jess my dear.

  3. Bishop Finnigen "Beginagin" - symbolic!

  4. Meanwhile, The Archdiocese of Liverpool will be offerng a "Spray Mass" for Bilingual, Translator and Crossconfessors.

  5. …and Bishop Blake will host a pot-luck dinner for Pop Francis at St. Mary Magdalen’s soup kitchen.

    Pop Francis will offer to wash the dishes afterwards, but will be shoo’ed out of the kitchen by a Mulier in her Forties.

  6. Bishop Conry is photographed above in his new role as Minister for Public Works