"Ego miser et indignus peccator (I think you ought to know I'm a very depressed sinner)."
Father X writes: No, I can't see any problem with that, provided that the real priest takes over before the Gospel is read out.
QUAERITUR: Although our parish priest turns up on time, he is a rather timid chap with a very dominating mother and two sisters, who insist on correcting him all the time. Last Sunday, he began to say "Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault" and they interrupted him with "Actually, I blame the bishop." Worse, they dress up in the most hideous vestments, evidently wishing that they themselves were priests. What can we do?
Now John always gets the words of the creed wrong, so we'll do it our way.
Father X writes: Never argue with a woman!
QUAERITUR: Our parish priest is very fond of pizza. Last week he became a little confused, and, evidently thinking he had a supply of bread and wine, he started consecrating a pepperoni pizza and a bottle of diet coke. Were we right to stop him?
At least the priest is wearing a biretta!
Father X writes: It is never right to interrupt a priest, even one who seems to be barking mad.
QUAERITUR: Our parish priest writes a blog on which he keeps advertising coffee. I drank some of it, and felt very ill afterwards. If I can't trust him to recommend good coffee, how can I trust his interpretations of the Gospels?
Liturgically invalid coffee.
Father X writes: Disgraceful! This is definitely a liturgical abuse. Drink "Mysterious Monk" coffee, guaranteed to kill 99% of all known germs.