The BBC Murders

This Christmas has seen a television "adaptation" of an Agatha Christie novel, the ABC Murders, by one Sarah Phelps. Some would say that Sarah was an unlikely person to make the adaptation as she had never previously heard of Agatha Christie, and was very unsure who Hercule Poirot was ("He's the aristocratic one with the monocle, isn't he?"). Nonetheless, it doesn't really matter because she decided to rewrite the whole story, making it fit better with 2018 BBC values of political correctness, anti-Brexit, secularism, etc.

In this version Hercule Poirot's back-story has changed slightly, and he is an African cardinal with fairly traditional beliefs.

Hercule Poirot, with trademark deerstalker.

Poirot is summoned to investigate a series of deaths. The first is the German cardinal, His Eminence Joachim Meisner. Allegedly he was vacationing in Bad Füssing in Bavaria. Since he was an Archbishop, Poirot realises instantly that this begins with A, and is the first of a chain of murders.

But what could the connection be with the second victim, Carlo Caffarra? Allegedly, he had suffered a long illness, but could the arsenic and cyanide found in his coffee, along with the rope round his neck, the dagger in his back, the bullet-holes in his chest and the marks of lead piping on his crushed skull lead to suspicions of foul play?

Poirot evidently thought so, and making the usual references to "my little green cells" and "the game is afoot, Watson!" (Sarah Phelps really knows how to get "inside" a character), he saw that Caffarra was from Bologna - "that means 'B', old Parker-bird!") and that this must be the second in the chain.

Could this be the next victim? C for Cardinal...

Now, it was entirely a red herring that Meisner and Caffarra were authors of the "Dubia" submitted to Pope Francis. Although Inspector Maigret wanted to give police protection to the remaining authors, Burke and Brandmüller, our hero, Poirot, saw further, and realised that the next victim would probably be called Viganò, because there was no connection with C at all!

Further....

I'm sorry, I seem to have got the wrong end of the stick here. The ABC murders actually refer to St Thomas Becket, ArchBishop of Canterbury, and Hercule Poirot is looking for four knights. It is believed that one may be Michael Palin.

Nobody expects Sir Michael Palin!

It's a wonderful life

One of the most popular Christmas films ever is "It's a wonderful life" telling the story of George Bailoglio, of Buenos Aires Falls. After a long and complicated life he becomes Pope, but things go badly for him, and he is criticised on all sides. Should he end it all?

George Bailoglio with Ted McCarrick his guardian angel

His guardian angel persuades George to look back at all the lives he has affected, and to see how things would have turned out if he had not come to Popersville.

There's James Martin SJ, no longer an influential LGBT activist and part-time priest, but in a much lowlier job, acting and dancing.

There's Matthew Festing, no longer in retirement and relaxing over a glass of port, but the powerful Prince and Grandmaster of the Sovereign Order of Malta, forced to fight endless battles with Al Boeslager, the condom king.

No, don't hang yourself!

There's Austen Ivereigh, no longer a famous writer of toadying biographies and self-styled expert on the papacy, but simply a failed journalist sleeping in a cardboard box.

There are cardinals Cupich, Tobin, Farrell, Wuerl, Kasper, Marx, Coccopalmerio, Sch... (all right, thirty other names omitted), all demoted to the rank of acting subdeacon responsible for the boiler, on account of their heresies.

There's Professor Massimo Faggioli, no longer a highly-revered academic whose lectures attract sometimes more than three students, but simply a gelato salesman who harangues passers-by with his latest theories.

Professor Faggioli at work.

There's Henry Sire, no longer the multi-millionaire author of The Dictator Pope, soon to be a major movie starring Tom Hanks, but the unread author of The Pretty Good Pope Really, the story of Cardinal Sarah's pontificate.

There's the Vatican staff, employing ten times as many people as before, all fielding questions of the form "Did the Pope really say that?" and "Did the Pope really do that?" So many would otherwise be unemployed.

Anyway, in the end George Bailoglio realises what a great influence has had on people's lives, and decides not to end it all. "If Benedict can live into his 90s then so can I!"

A happy ending for everyone.

Did Jesus come to save reindeer?

Since it is Christmas, we asked some of our favourite Catholics to tell us which Christmas carols they would be singing at Mass this year. Of course, we got many of the old spiritually-nourishing favourites: Cardinal Napier would be singing "Jingle Bells" and "Oh what fun it is to ride with Pope Francis all the way," since the Holy Father was so much like Jesus; Massimo Faggioli went for "We wish you a merry Christmas," having confessed that he had a weakness for figgy pudding as well as gelato; Austen Ivereigh admitted that he always felt a thrill of excitement when he heard "Santa Claus is coming to town;" and so on.

It was Fr James Martin LGBTSJ who gave us a fuller explanation of the meaning of Christmas.

St James the Jesuit explains the Incarnation.

"My favourite Christmas carol is 'Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer," Fr James explained. "Rudolph suffers homophobic abuse from the reindeer pack, simply because he has a very shiny - no doubt rainbow-patterned - nose. They refuse to build bridges to him, and they won't admit that, whatever his alternative lifestyle may be (perhaps there's a Francesco Reindeer lodging in his stable?) it's all perfectly all right with God.

"Are you saved, brother?"

But Fr James went further, interpreting St John's "The Word Became Flesh" as indicating that God loves all flesh, and Jesus came to save reindeer as well as humans. Who could doubt that at one time He became incarnate as a reindeer? "Moreover," Fr James continued, "because God loves flesh, it is meaningless to talk about sins of the flesh, isn't it?"

So now we know.

#AskCardinalDolan

The great Cardinal Dolan has been inviting questions on Twitter with the hashtag #AskCardinalDolan. We are pleased to present some edited highlights.

#AskCardinalDolan When are you going to stop Fr James Martin from preaching heresy, leading people into the ways of evil, and generally boring everyone to death with his homosexual obsessions?

Er... nothing to do with me... Jesuits... ask Sosa... ask the Pope... everyone is welcome... build bridges... strong ones for me please... next question please!

#AskCardinalDolan What was there to laugh about?

Next!

#AskCardinalDolan What is your favourite meal?

Well, advent is a time for restraint, some would say fasting, so this morning my breakfast consisted of a simple lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam. With that inside me, I won't need to eat again until 11 o'clock. Moreover, Humble Pope Francis is encouraging us to share our meals with the homeless, so for lunch we'll be giving the scruffy lot a plate of Massimo Faggioli (beans) and a Coccopalmerio tart.

Lost in amazement.

#AskCardinalDolan Why don't you release the body of Fulton Sheen, so that canonization can proceed?

Well, it is a great money-spinner for St Patrick's cathedral to have our own celebrity in the crypt, you know. Also, we're not sure that Sheen is really the sort of saint that we want in the Nu-Francis Church. People like Sheen and Mother Angelica are the sort of dogmatic "We know the answers because Christ told us" people that simply don't fit in nowadays.

We prefer a charismatic gasbag like Bishop Robert Barron, who at least - if he can't remember the answer to a question - makes one up that he thinks people would like to hear. Apparently, everyone is saved, you know.

#AskCardinalDolan The Rockettes look very tasty. How do I get to dance with them?

Well, first go to seminary, and after a while they'll make you a cardinal, and you can then do whatever you like (except criticise the Pope of course!) Didn't John the Baptist dance with Salome? You can do likewise - but don't lose your head!

Dance, then, wherever you may be!

I must say this question-and-answer session is going very well. Maybe we have time for one final question for your "good shepherd" (me!)

#AskCardinalDolan Why are you always laughing like an idiot?

I find joy in everything - funerals, Church scandals, Lent, even Pope Francis's writhing on the hook on which Viganò caught him. But I always try to keep a solemn demeanour, as befits a prince of the Church.

That's all, folks!

Brexodus 15: Maysis winneth a vote

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So Jacob Gogg-Magogg sought eight and forty men who would write letters against Maysis, the leader of the Con-serva-tites.

2. However, at first eight and forty men such men did not come forward, and Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker to arrange the terms under which the children of Bri-tain were to leave EU-gypt.

Jacob Gogg-Magogg prepareth to go into the wilderness.

3. However, there had arisen a grievous problem known as the Backstab, or, the Irish Question version 94, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

4. And Maysis and Bar-nier (he who spake for Juncker when the Pharaoh had drunk too much of the wine that is called Sci-atica) differed over the conditions under which the Backstab might be used.

5. And being a skilled and experienced negotiator, Maysis agreed to everything that Bar-nier wished.

6. So it was clear that the Con-serva-tites had no chance of persuading the children of Bri-tain to accept the Backstab, especially as the Dup-ites of Arlene swore to fight against it.

7. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg cried out once more "Are there not eight and forty men who will write letters asking for Maysis to go?"

8. And this time there came many letters, although how many, and from whom, no man may know except the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922.

Jacob delivereth many letters.

9. Thus the Con-serva-tites held a vote, under which there were two alternatives: that Maysis should remain, or that Maysis should leave.

10. And this time those that said "Remain" won the vote. So Maysis continued to lead the Con-serva-tites.

11. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg said privily, "Perhaps we should hold this vote again, for it is only by a People's Vote that Maysis may be deposed. For perchance many of the people who voted for her were not people."

12. It would be a grievous insult for any man to name names here, but many doubts had been expressed about Haman the money-changer, and Amber the worker and pensioner.

13. So Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker yet again, and spake also with the great leaders such as Mac-ron the yellow-shirted and Mer-kel of the Germanites.

"If thou rufflest my hair, I shall smite thee, O Pharaoh."

14. But their nay was nay, and no new agreement was reached.

15. Worse than this, the Pharaoh Juncker put down his bottle of Sci-atica and insulted Maysis, likening her unto Nebuchadnezzar; although he only managed to utter "Nebulous".

The world becometh Nebulous for Juncker.

16. And Maysis was wrathful with Juncker, and it seemed an agreement was further away than ever.

Continued in Chapter 16.

Cardinal Napier "less Catholic than Ian Paisley"

Cardinal Wilfrid Fox Napier OFM was once a reasonably orthodox Catholic, but his history may be regarded as the Rake's Progress in 3 parts.

Warning - this is going to end badly.

Part I - the Smiter of Heresy.

Fighting talk, your Eminence!

Clearly this is a man who will stand no nonsense. Indeed, in the 2015 Synod on the Family, he expressed disquiet at the way it was being gerrymandered. Now he's stomping on Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who deserves stomping on if anyone does. What can possibly go wrong?

Part II - the Pope-worshipper.

Oh dear - he's been got at.

Our hero descends into a slavish adoration of Pope Francis and his dreadful Amoris Laetita (the Pope's little joke on the Church). I can't pinpoint any wonders achieved by Pope Francis, but I am sure that if we get a Pope Francis II (say, Cupich, Wuerl, or Tobin), then lots of dodgy miracles will be attributed to Francis I, and he'll be canonized before you can say "McCarrick!"

Part III - a place is reserved in Bedlam.

The final descent into madness.

Right, that's clear. Anyone who criticises Pope Francis is literally Hitler Ian Paisley, the loud-mouthed Protestant politician from Northern Ireland who shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope John-Paul II. Poor old Ian was actually very sound on issues like abortion and homosexuality, but he really didn't like Catholics. Now, it's hard to know whether Raymond Arroyo has shouted "Anti-Christ!" at Pope Francis. It's said that a lot of people mutter that phrase under their breath whenever the Holy Father goes on the rampage. Burke, Festing, Sarah, Sire, ...?

But poor old Arroyo is one of the mildest of chaps.

Part 4 (a bonus) - we ask the people to decide.

Oh dear, this is most embarrassing. Not only did Cardinal Napier lose out badly to Raymond Arroyo in a Twitter poll, but he even lost out to Ian Paisley. I'm sorry, Wilf, I'm so very very sorry...

"And that Amoris Laetitia is rubbish as well!"

2013 and all that (part 1)

With apologies to W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman.

Pope Francis, a humble pope.

In 2013 Pope Benedict surprised everyone by resigning as pope and forgetting to die. Thus he was still allowed to wear his white coat, and did not have to be put in a tomb. The cardigans gave him the job of Emergency Pope, and met to choose a successor.

A humble pope, wearing the papal tiara.

Having had a saintly pope (John-Paul II) and a learned pope (Benedict), the cardigans decided try something completely different and choose their pope from Argentina, a man known as General Belgrano. He was strongly supported by the St Gay Mafia, which included Cardigan Dandruff, Cardigan Casper the unfriendly ghost, and Cardigan Comic Mercy-O'Conman.

General Belgrano was known to be a humble man, and indeed his papal motto was NON ESTIS HUMILES, EGO SOLUS HUMILIS, which means "You are not humble, only I am humble." He chose the name Francis in honour of Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Holy Father films.

The Holy Father.

One of the first actions of the new pope was to attack the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, who had been behaving too immaculately. Fr Fidelio Volpone was appointed to help them become less immaculate, so he helped them by dismantling the order. When he had done as much damage as possible, Fr Volpone decided that he had achieved his life's ambition, and died.

In the second year of his humble reign, Pope Francis held the first of two Sinners of the Family, which were meetings of bishops who wanted to try out new sins. A very powerful cardigan called Baldacchino was appointed to run these Sinners, and to tell the bishops which new sins they would be encouraged to commit.

Being a humble pope, Francis then decided that it was time to give an equal opportunity of humility to Cardigan Burke: it is said that he was jealous of him because he was an intelligent man who had read the Bible. Cardigan Burke had been a member of the Congratulation for Bishops, which chooses new bishops, but this was too important a post for a humble man, so the Pope told him to look after the Order of Malta instead. As we shall see, this was all part of a devious plan to cause more humiliation for Burke, although this took two more years.

How do you make a Maltese cross? A problem that Pope Francis solved two years later.

Finally, at about this time Francis realised that he had been elected to sort out the problems of the Roman Curious, who were the people who did all the hard work in the Catholic Church. Being a humble pope he identified fifteen disorders from which they suffered, including Spiritual Alzheimer's, Numinous Measles, amd Gnostic Arthritis. However, apart from insulting them as part of his Christmas greetings, he took no further action at that time.

In the next part we meet Loudhailer Si', the 2nd Sinner of the Family, and the Year of Murky.

The arms of a humble pope.

Brexodus 14: Maysis maketh a deal

Continued from Chapter 13

1. For four months after the departure of King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, the mighty leader May-sis continued to guide the children of Bri-tain.

2. And a new prophet was appointed, Dominus the Raabi, who was to speak with Michael Bar-Nier, the servant of Pharaoh Juncker of EUgypt.

May-sis performeth a dance to please the people.

3. So, as the winter approached, Maysis announced an agreement that would make everyone equally happy: that is, not at all.

4. First, the children of Bri-tain would stay exactly where they were, but would be told "Guess what? Thou hast left EU-gypt."

5. Next, there would be an end to the brutal chastisement with whips, which so grieved the people. Henceforth, the children of Britain would be chastised with scorpions.

St James of Bond suffereth chastisement from a scorpion.

6. For these blessings, as for many others, such as the throwing of the Irishites into the sea, the children of Bri-tain would pay nine and thirty baskets of precious stones.

7. But to the astonishment of May-sis, the people refused to accept that a new era of happiness was dawning.

8. First there were the Gray Lingites, the Adonais, and others, who spake out saying "Give us a People's Vote, for those who voted last time were not people, but mere serfs."

9. "And let us vote many times: let our Nay be Nay, and let our Yea be Nay as well."

10. Then there were the Corbynites who spake out, saying "We care not what happeneth, provided that we are given the keys to the Street of Downing."

11. And many of the advisers of May-sis fled in disarray, including Dominus the Raabi, who had still not determined what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

12. And May-sis sought for another adviser, and the lot fell upon St Stephen Bar-Clay, for he alone was slow off the mark while the others fled.

Finally, the voice of the Mogg is heard in the land.

13. So at last, there came the mighty voice of Jacob Gogg-Magogg, saying, "Well, actually, don't you know, mine honourable friend hath lost honour and I feel that, on balance, it is time to cast her into a deep pit filled with savage dogs."

14. Thus Gogg-Magogg wrote to the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922, saying, "Alas, my confidence in May-sis is departed. Here is a short list of 300 people who could do a better job."

15. And May-sis waited to see how many more letters were sent to the council of 1922: for her fate depended on this.

Continued in Chapter 15.

U.S. bishops vote not to reject Satan

In an 83 to 137 vote (with 3 abstentions), the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have voted not to reject Satan.

The question "Do you reject Satan?", usually asked (in some form) at baptisms, is notorious for being a difficult one to answer. The obvious reponse, "Well, I really don't want to make any new enemies," is not usually considered adequate, and parents and godparents who are stuck for a reply are usually encouraged either to "phone a friend" or to "ask the audience".

Still, one expects bishops to have a ready-made answer, and it was somewht disconcerting to find that they were so divided on the issue. Follow-up questions like "Do you think sexual abuse is a problem?" and "Have you ever visited Ted McCarrick's beach house?" also divided the bishops.

Faithful Catholics may feel disappointed at the bishops' evident reluctance to upset the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, and the Maker of Empty Promises; some might have expected them to reject the glamour of evil and refuse to be mastered by sin. But do we have a right to complain? In the words of Cardinal DiNardo, president of the USCCB, "You do your job, and we'll do ours!" Well, that's certainly worked out well so far.

DiNardo finds a "safe space" away from members of the public.

Even less helpful was Cardinal Cupich, who said "Leave it to the Vatican to decide what's best." In point of fact we have been waiting on a telephone line to the Vatican for the last two years, listening to "Gather us in" on an endless loop, after we phoned up with a request for the answers to some Dubia.

"Ooh! he pinched my backside!" Typical bishop-games.

So it's business as usual, I'm afraid.

Vatican revives the Index Librorum Prohibitorum

It gives us great pleasure to announce that the Vatican has revived the Index Librorum Prohibitorum of publications deemed heretical, or contrary to morality.

The Index was abolished by Pope Paul VI in 1966, after the Vatican II Council decided that heresy and immorality were henceforth perfectly good "alternative lifestyles". It is slightly surprising that Pope Francis should have restored it.

The compiler of the new Index is Father Thomas Rosica of the Satan Lite corporation, a regular reader of this blog. Here is his list, as revealed by Michael "Vortex" Voris. Note that it includes the Tablet, America, and the National Catholic Reporter, all publications that make excellent cat-litter.

Websites to be avoided at all costs.

Unfortunately there are various Fake News stories going round. One is that this bunch of dreadful sites was actually recommended as "Trusted sources for Catholic News". Seems unlikely, doesn't it? On the other hand, how did Rosie's own Satan Lite group get into his list? Associated with this is another Fake News story - that the original list contained other Vatican favourites, including the "Gay Priests in Bondage" magazine, and Cardinal Cupich's magnum opus "A guide to purely consensual sinning."

"Gosh, that shouldn't be allowed!"

We are still awaiting the Vatican's real guide to trusted news sources. You will know it is genuine when ecclesandbosco.blogspot.com is listed.

Stop teasing poor Massimo

Egg on face time for Professor Massimo "Beans" Faggioli, the world's greatest theologian, as he was caught by a practical joke from Matthew Schmitz of First Things and the Catholic Herald.

Schmitz posted some interesting sentiments about Pope Francis, and Massi jumped in to say what nonsense they were.

The snag was, that Schmitz's tweet was a direct quotation from Fr Rosica of the Satan Lite Media Group, one of Pope Francis's chief bootlickers. Of course, Rosie was describing Pope Francis as a dictator with enthusiasm, a point of view that most people would not share.

Was Rosie the author of "The Dictator Pope" after all?

Oh well, we all make mistakes, except Pope Francis of course, and Massi was very amused to be caught in the trap. So much so that he responded in these terms:

We amateur snipers can only look on in wonder.

If I were not running the World Cup of Bad Hymns (see this blog and my Twitter feed ad nauseam, and with particular nausea as we approach the semi-finals), I would try and organize a "Let's amuse Massi" competition. We could tweet something at him, and see if he bites.

Suggestions:

1. Quote a chunk of Amoris Laetitia, the sillier the better, and see if he condemns it.

2. Quote something Massi himself said (he says so much that he can't possibly remember it all), and wait for it to be rejected.

3. (Best of all) quote Holy Scripture, perhaps a few verses from the Sermon on the Mount, and see Massi tell us that this is old-fashioned thinking and "modern theology like what I does" has shown it to be ridiculous.

Jim, Steve, and Rosie prepare a practical joke on Massi.

Time to run screaming from the church

We've reached the knockout stage of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Once again, some prize specimens have been eliminated, such as: I, the Lord of sea and sky (Here I am, Lord), The world is full of smelly feet, Sing a new church, They'll know we are Christian, and Christ be our light. But look at what's left...

The knockout stage goes as follows:

Quarter-finals, beginning November 5th:

A: Group 1 winner v Group 2 runner-up:
Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick) v Come to the table of plenty (Daniel Schutte).
Result: 54-46.

B: Group 2 winner v Group 1 runner-up:
One bread, one body (John Foley) v Gather us in (Marty Haugen).
Result: 35-65.

C: Group 3 winner v Group 4 runner-up:
Lord of the dance (Sydney Carter) v Gloria, clap, clap (Martin Anderson).
Result: 57-43.

D: Group 4 winner v Group 3 runner-up:
On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas) v Kumbayah (anon).
Result: 45-55.

Semi-finals, beginning November 13th:

1. Winner of A v Winner of C.
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Lord of the dance
Result: 38-62.

2. Winner of B v Winner of D.
Gather us in v Kumbayah
Result: 54-46.

Third place playoff, November 19th:
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Kumbayah
Result: 51-49.

Final on November 22nd, St Cecilia's Day.
Lord of the Dance v Gather us in
Result: 56-44.

Congratulations to Sydney Carter, and if you want a good laugh, read THIS.

You want to sing WHAT???

May I beg all supporters to behave themselves and refrain from violence. We don't want scenes such as we saw in the 1898 World Cup of bad hymns, when fans of Ira D. Sankey's Sacred songs and solos went crazy and started singing:

Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is sinking today.

History relates that supporters of Knowles Shaw retaliated with:

'Tis the hand of God on the wall,  
'Tis the hand of God on the wall;  
Shall the record be, "Found wanting," or shall it be, "Found trusting!"
While that hand is writing on the wall?  

There were fifty arrests and two hundred casualties (mostly people driven permanently insane). No, we don't want any more of that, thank you.

Someone's fighting, Lord, Kumbayah.

Update: We have had requests for a "People's Vote" re-run, amidst allegations of Russian interference and illegal campaigning. Sorry, the results will stand.

I invented Fr James Martin

All right, my secret is out. As revealed by the formidable @lamblock, the character "Fr James Martin LGBTSJ" doesn't really exist, he is one of my own creations.

So what's wrong with that? Lots of people find it desirable to spice up their blogs with comic characters once in a while (cf. Fr Z's Zuhlio, Fr Longenecker's Duane Mandible, and the Tablet's Tina Beattie). I've even had a few other visitors to this blog, such as Fr Arthur, Sister Judy Piranha, and Anti Moly, whose existence is not fully established.

So ludicrous you should have guessed it was photoshopped!

Yes, the concept of a Jesuit priest, living in New York, whose hobbies consist of (in no particular order):

1. Promoting LGBT issues;
2. Making up absurd bits of heresy;
3. Moaning about Trump;
4. Writing trashy books;
5. Self-publicity;
6. Making up absurd bits of heresy in order to moan about Trump and promote LGBT issues in his latest self-publicising trashy book...

is frankly absurd.

One of "Jim"'s favourites - pretending the Holy Spirit is female.

Look, you idiots. If Jim was a real person, he would have been disciplined by Cardinal Dolan, his ordinary, or General Sosa, the Big Cheese Jesuit. In any case a wise and orthodox pope such as Francis would never in a million years have asked him to advise on any issue more serious than the time of the next bus. Get real!

Bless you, folks, he is even supposed to have teamed up with New Ways Ministry, a well-known group of freaks, heretics, loonies, rebels, dissidents and all-round not-quite-Catholic fruitcakes. Or did I make them up as well?

"Mary Magdalene was the church." One of my silliest ideas, although I say it myself.

I'll tell you, it wasn't easy to hack into Amazon and make it seem that they were advertising a book called Building a Bridge which promotes LGBT stuff in clear contradiction to Catholic teaching. I hope nobody actually tried to buy the book, as what they will have received is a perfectly orthodox guide to civil engineering for children.

"I cannot recommend this book too highly" - Pope Benedict XVI.

Anyway, the cat is out of the bag now. So I will leave you to work out which of the following comic characters are also Eccles inventions:

1. Fr Thomas Rosica;
2. Cardinal Marx;
3. Dr Austen Ivereigh;
4. Cardinal Baldisseri.

HINT: One of them is real.

Another brilliant bit of photoshopping.

The 10 Commandments of Pope Francis

1. I am the Lord Francis, successor of Jesus Christ (in the words of the prophet Napier, the Vatican News, and others). Thou shalt obey me. And that includes thee, Viganò, wherever thou art hiding.

And no graven images unless they actually look like me!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Francis in vain. In particular any blog that saith "Look what this clown hath done now" shall be refused the new "APPROVED CATHOLIC BLOG" award, and so people will take it less seriously than Salt and Light, America, the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter, La Civiltà Cattolica, etc.

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Watch my show on television. That way, even if thou dost not make it to Heaven, thou canst still watch it on television.

4. Honour thy father and mother. Or thy father and father. Or mother and mother. Or whatever differently-ordered family thou mayst have. Better still, honour thy Holy Father, as nothing else really matters. See that thou dost not trouble him with Dubia - thou shalt receive no answer, anyway.

5. Thou shalt not kill. The death penalty hath been declared inadmissible. On the other hand, if thou art Emma Bonino or another good friend of Francis the God, then thou mayst slaughter babies with a clear conscience.

An excerpt from the sacred work Amoris Laetitia.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou hast a clear plan ahead, including discernment, accompaniment, gradualism, and conscience. Don't worry too much about this. See the footnotes at the bottom of these stone tablets.

7. Thou shalt not steal, although thou mayst perform dodgy financial transactions with other people's money. For do not some of my most trusted cardinals do this? (The money was resting in my account! OM)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Actually, thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbour, either, lest thou be called "The great accuser".

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or live-in partner, boyfriend, or anyone to whom he saith "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." (Hands off, I saw him first! JT)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. And that includes coveting his papal office, his humble five-star apartment, his popemobile, and his "I AM INFALLIBLE" tee-shirt. These are going to Cupich when I rise to Heaven, so buzz off, the rest of you!

Two notorious coveters.

I wants to make your flesh creep

Sixteen wonderfully appalling works remain for Round 3 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Some surprises to me, at least, in that we have lost God's Spirit is in my heart, Bind us together, Lord, Walk in the Light, and Go, The Mass is ended, but this just shows the quality of the works remaining. Here is the grouping - the top two in each of the four groups will reach the last eight - the quarter final knock-out stage!

Title	Author	Round 3
Kumbayah	anon	3
Christ be our light	Bernadette Farrell	4
I, the Lord of sea and sky	Daniel Schutte	1
Come to the Table of Plenty	Daniel Schutte	2
Sing a New Church	Delores Dufner	3
Shine, Jesus, shine	Graham Kendrick	1
This little light of mine	Harry Dixon Loes	2
One bread, one body	John Foley	2
Gloria (clap clap)	Martin Anderson	4
Gather us in	Marty Haugen	1
The world is full of smelly feet	Michael Forster	2
On eagle's wings	Michael Joncas	4
Alleluia Ch-Ch	Paul Inwood	3
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love	Peter Scholtes	4
Lord of the Dance	Sidney Carter	3
I am the Bread of Life	Suzanne Toolan	1

Need I say more?

Get ready to Schutte for goal!

Round 3 begins on Monday 29th October.

What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!

However...

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."