This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Near-death experiences

In view of a near-death experience claimed by Dr Eben Alexander, which is the basis of his new book Proof of Heaven, we asked some of the regular characters appearing on this blog to describe their own near-death experiences.


Bosco, worshipper at the Calvary Chapel, and saved person.

Bosco

Hello, could I speak to Jesus, please?

Eccles, you poor sick monkey, I had a rotten experience when I tried to save a convent of nuns, and I was badly beaten up by them. As I lay in hospital, near to death, I found that I was standing outside the Gates of Heaven, explaining to St Peter that all Catholics were idolaters, and should be sent to the Lake of Fire. "I am saved, even more than you are," I told him. "I've come for my throne and my golden crown."

St Peter is shocked

St Peter is shocked by Bosco's blog.

"Ah, Bosco," said St Peter. "I've been reading your blog, and we've got a totally different fate for you..."


Damian Thompson, formerly a religious journalist.

Lonely Damian

Damian is the one alone at the front, whom nobody else will talk to.

The first thing that struck me about St Peter, when I saw him, was that he was putting on weight. In fact, the whole tone of Heaven was very disappointing, and I was totally unimpressed with the angels, who were definitely smirking at me. The music was not Gladys Mills plays Beethoven, as I had been led to expect, nor even something by my friend James MacMillan, but a dirge that sounded like an eternal repetition of "Alleluia Ch-ch."

Angels

Angels - what dreadful hair styles they have.


Moly, aunt of Eccles and Bosco.

Anti Moly

A recent photo of Moly.

Well I don't believe in God or Heaven, but I did have a very strange dream last night when I finally dropped off. I was in Paradise, wearing my new Moly Number 5 cigarette- and gin-scented perfume. But I was surrounded by possums, all jumping up and down, and there wasn't a bottle of gin to be had anywhere. "It's endless torment for you," said a loud voice to me, probably one of those bullying traddy Catholics. Woeful.

Possumus

Vicious possums. They're out to get me. I know it.


Father Arthur, of the Church of St Daryl the Apostate.

Fr Arthur

I'm a priest in good standing, you know.

Well, I wasn't going to stand any calumny from the man waiting for me at the Gates of Heaven, so I got my attack in first. "May I remind you, 'Saint' Peter, that as recorded in the 26th chapter of the book of St Matthew, and elsewhere, you denied Christ on no less than three occasions? Does that give you the right to comment on the behaviour of other people? I am a priest in good standing, with no time for your traditionalist ways. Haven't you people heard of Vatican II? Now clear off, and let me do your job properly for you."

Last judgement

The Last Judgement. But Fr Arthur will willingly give you a preliminary verdict.

17 comments:

  1. To (loosely) paraphrase Sir Terry Pratchett, it's probably a good thing Auntie Moly hasn't had a near-death experience; that would entail Death having a near-Auntie-Moly experience which, with all due respect to your august relative, doesn't sound like something you'd wish on anyone, not even one of the Four Horsemen.

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  2. Favver Pau looked much more welcoming in his pink vestments. What color was St Peter wearin? What is the official color scheme of heaven?

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    1. Hmmm... dese is deep questoins.

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    2. Deep questions are good brain exercise.

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  3. A friend of mine called Equine Relections had a near-death experience. He was commenting on the Damian Thompson blog and might have been stuck there for months or years, but suddenly got ambushed by Pau_F (Father Paul Andrew of Pau_Mouth diocese)and cannot comment again.

    Lucky old Equine Reflections. He could have been trapped in the death-zone but has now returned to the land of the living and will never venture into the DT blog death-zone again.

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    1. Readin Fr Pau's posts is certianly a near-death experience. In fact it makes me almost siucidal.

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    2. Asinine reflections wuod be warmlly wellcommed, dough!

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  4. Mr. Rabitbis too good for that other blogg - which shall remain nameless. Xx Jess

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  5. A story used to be told at conferences on Sales and Customer Service (slightly modufi... mudify... - er, changed - here). A man dies and arrives at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks him whether he wants to go to Heaven or Hell. The man asks if he could possibly get a preview before making a decision. St. Peter says “Certainly!” and dispatches him in the elevator up to heaven.

    The man steps out to a very sober scene with lots of praying and allelulia-ing going on (probably in Latin – an EF scene). Chastened, he returns to St. Peter who then dispatches him downward to hell. The elevator door opens out to a beach scene with blue sky, bright sunshine, singing, dancing and other high jinks going on (obviously a Novus Ordo scene - and not a word of Latin).

    Delighted, he comes back up to St. Peter and says: “I’ll opt for Hell, thank you very much!” So St. Peter dispatches him back down in the elevator. Now, when the door opens everything has changed. All is fire and brimstone, darkness, torturous wailing and very un-liturgical prancing about.

    He goes up to Satan and asks: “What’s going on? Why is everything changed?” Satan sagely replies: “Before, you were a prospect. Now, you are a customer.”

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  6. Bosco might have gotten farther if he had said he was coming for a Golden Clown.

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  7. When I saw that "recent photo of Moly" I thought: "Holy Moly!" But then I thought: "That can't be right."

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    1. She aint de most beuatiful pusson in de world, but we luvs her deerly.

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    2. dere eccles, poeple says that if you lies down wif dogs you will get up wif flees; but what do you get up wif if you lies down wif possums? what does de possums get?

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  8. Is fictoinal lesbains from Pirigoose savd ?

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    1. I thought only Eccles and Bosco was sav'd xx Jess

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  9. +You idiots make fun of salvation. Lets see what you say at judgment. The CC is going to have its day in the sun again. Blood and guts will once again run in the streets. Oh, but you must read the catechism, then you will know how wonderful the CC is. Jerusalem got the calling card from the dirty pope when his crusaders tossed heads over the wall. Oh, but the CC is pure and white. Billions paid out for sex crimes.

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    Replies
    1. Ullo, is you someone we might have met before?

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