This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 7 July 2012

Do-it-yourself Thompson blog

Instructions: pick one item from each section, and combine them. Then Voilà! you have your Saturday column. Never mind if it doesn't make sense - it isn't supposed to!

Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool

The Mormons are addicted to cupcakes, which is why Archbishop Mennini required a specially reinforced piano stool.

The Scientologists
The Mormons
The chattering classes
The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout
Societies that believe in Hell
Left-wing, T-shirt-wearing nuns
Countless millions of computer addicts
American schoolchildren
The middle classes in Hyderabad
The overeducated American elite
Teenagers at a school in Xiaogong, central China
Several gay Hollywood stars
Members of Alcoholics Anonymous
Orange-skinned celebrities
Opus Dei

wield immense influence in Hollywood,
are extremely interested in money,
could never be part of the Church of England,
are keen on assisted suicide,
value their subsidised office spaces in east London,
would never be invited on Thought for the Day,
could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest,
self-medicate with sugary snacks,
are following the IV Drip Diet,
are snorting their ADHD medication,
have discovered party drugs,
are taken out of the local gene pool,
are anxious to join the Ordinariate,
would never visit old people in care homes,
might consider submitting to Pope Michael of Delia, Kansas,
are addicted to cupcakes,

Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers

Opus Dei could could enter an Andrea Dworkin lookalike contest, although Noele Gordon wandered naked into the showers at my health club.

although
but
which is why
and

Polly Toynbee
Tom Cruise
Eric Sykes
L. Ron Hubbard
Mitt Romney
Umair Haque
Dr Rowan Williams
Jeremy Paxman
Mark Easton
Edward Elgar
Archbishop Mennini
Lord Foulkes
Sir Paul McCartney
Beethoven
Richard Chartres
Mrs Gladys Mills
The Prince of Wales
Noele Gordon
Canon Brian Brindley
Edward Heath
Queen Victoria
Johann Hari
Jenny Jones
George Clooney

was known for being seriously overweight.
dabbled in the occult.
comes across as a ranting lefty.
acquired a reputation as a self-regarding young windbag.
secretly supported gay marriage.
wandered naked into the showers at my health club.
is the sort of person who would say "an hotel."
should not work for the BBC.
captures the English spirit with unmatched subtlety.
could promote clever, holy traditionalists.
drank too much whisky and attempted to dance with a 70-year-old lady.
bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.
wrote a set of piano variations on God Save the King.
never obtained a doctorate from the LSE.
should never be introduced as "Your highness."
had an indestructible perm.
required a specially reinforced piano stool.
took claret fortified with Scotch whisky.
wrote a Te Deum to celebrate Louis XIV’s victory against the English and Dutch.
supported the vandalism of GM crops.
poured Bird's Custard over a plateful of chips.

Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye

The luvvies of Silicon Roundabout are snorting their ADHD medication, but Edward Elgar bought aubergine hair-dye from a lesbian collective farm in Northern California.

7 comments:

  1. All purpose comment relating to the above:

    This is typical of a bronze-age sky-fairy-promoting closet sociologist of religion who wants to deny gay female bishops their human rights. Why don't you grow up and become an atheist?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Drug addicts should be made to visit ordinariate clergy in their care homes and avert their eyes when they see the Archbishop of Canterbury wandering naked with aubergine hair dye in the GM crops.

    We also need a do-it-yourself boring commenter kit: I crossed the Tiber fifteen times before growing up and becoming a Christian anarchist, so what's all the fuss about?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about a DIY sockpoppet kit? I will fink about it.

      Delete
  3. Unfortunately, doctor, it seems there is another solution instead of the DIY Damian blog. The Damian blog writtied by a dead journalist a long time ago, as in the case of the latest about Fred Rogerer the tennis person.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Father Alexander Lucie-Smith over at Catholic Herald blogs has just written his own DIY Thompson blog -- which is naturally all about cupcakes and plugging The Fix.

    What a wonderful illustration BTW : http://www.catholicherald.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/cupcakes_thisone.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  5. Paraphrased :

    The chattering classes self-medicate with sugary snacks, which is why Dr Rowan Willams comes across as a ranting lefty.

    http://www.catholicherald.co.uk/commentandblogs/2012/07/11/this-is-the-age-of-addiction-could-puritanism-come-next/

    ReplyDelete