This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday 14 October 2012

Charity Appeal

The charity CATFOOD (CATholics For Oddball Overseas Development), has asked for an appeal to be posted on all spiritually nourishing blogs such as this one.


We are hugely grateful for the support you have shown for CATFOOD's work over many years, as we have acted as a lobbying agency for extra taxes, action on climate change, and access to condoms for all; we have also done something about those people in the Third World without access to those simple necessities of life that we all take for granted: such as Tenderized baby kestrel with a Welsh truffle sauce, tortured parsnips, weeping Norfolk onions, and a salad of pumpkin leaves with balsamic vinegar; with this, most experts would recommend a Chateau Coldfitte 1992.

kestrel

A baby kestrel. In London we take food like this for granted.

Well now we need to turn our attention to nearer at home. Do you remember me telling you about Zimi, a 10-year old girl from Islington? Zimi's family have been without proper drinking water for several weeks: her parents could no longer find Mont Blanc Glacier Water in the supermarket, and she was forced to drink the rubbish that comes out of the taps.

Zimi now says, "When the deliveries of Mont Blanc Glacier Water stopped, my family had to change its lifestyle; we stopped taking baths or showers, and now nobody at school wants to sit next to me."

glacier

Mont Blanc, where the glacier water is lovingly harvested by Dominican friars.

Thanks to CATFOOD, Zimi's family is now getting regular deliveries of climate change posters and contraceptives, and we are looking into the water problem as well.

We'd now like to tell you about another child, a 9-year-old boy from Notting Hill called Gift. You might be wondering how Gift got his name. It's because in Notting Hill they go in for pretentious names these days (his brothers and sisters are called Square-Root, Proust, Biggleswade, and Beckham). Gift's family have been without a refrigerator for over a week, as they wait for Zanussi to deliver another one. In fact, it was partly their fault, as they first contacted ZANU, by mistake. Although Robert Mugabe was very pleased to hear from them, he was unable to provide a refrigerator.

Blair and Mugabe

Robert Mugabe and an unidentified friend discuss the fridge crisis in Islington.

As a result, Gift and his family have been forced to eat out in restaurants every day this week, as the only alternative to living on slightly stale food. CATFOOD is coming to their assistance, and Gift's family will soon have a shiny new fridge.

Did I mention that we are a Catholic organization? No, well we don't want to scare people by bringing religion into everyday life: go to our website and see how long it takes you to find the word "Catholic" on the front page. Still, do keep sending us your money, and we'll make sure it is spent the way we think best.

15 comments:

  1. Presumably Zimi and Gift are the children of CATFOOD's employees. I am trying to think which one: it isn't theological adviser, is it?

    I know who recommended the Chateau Coldfitte 1992, that was Dr Kieran Conry who doubles as the Tablet's wine correspondent. All that quaffing with Teen and Ma Popehater.

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    1. That aint bishop conry of r 'n' b fame is it. I is surprised he into dat vinous liqor, him bein' a man a God and lover a his serene holiness Bob Dylan. May be he got coldfitte in '92 in his zimmer man drinkin' in da early mornin' rain whilst knockin' on heaven's door (not Will Heaven's door but dat glorious place in da sky)

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  2. Eccles, the homepage of CAFOD has the word Catholic in small print at the bottom of the page. (The last line of the page in 10pt font.) It only took me an hour and a half to find it. I claim my prize of a bag of organic carrots.

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    1. Well done. You sure has got eagle eyes, Bruvver.

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    2. actually there's not much of anything on the catford (catholic fund for overseas re-develpoment) home page, but if you click on 'pray' at top of page catholicism and the year of faith are mentioned. Not sure about Catford promoting condoms however, far too many poor pepole living there for the policy to have to have been initiated

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    3. There's a big rant about wonderful liberation theology empowering people. Apparently before Vatican 2, all the Church did to poor people was boss them around. This might come as a surprise to St John Bosco, St Damian, and the numerous saintly missionaries who went before.

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    4. lesr you forget, the Saints were often bossed around too by those naughty church heirarchs

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  3. frankly i think it's racist for goddy-goddy catholics in the UK to think starving africans should settle for CATFOOD: we should expand the foie gras trade and send the surplus to africa.

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    1. we could start with fattening up dame-ian's liver: let's invite him to a posh dinner at the athenaeum...

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  4. I should cocoa Keith, i've always thought of dame-ian as a bit of an old goose, but don't expect him to be laying gold eggs in the near future

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  5. Kieron was on the World Service defending V2 against Chris Ferrara. He had able support from an impenetrable Chilean academic and the obligatory toff nun from Heythrop (it was three against one). He was curiously subdued but when called upon his defence was standard: “If it wasn’t for Vatican II nobody would be interviewing me and my friends on the radio” – well, quite.

    On the subject of interviews, did anyone see Peter Townshend interviewed by Andrew Marr yesterday? I met “Pete” many years ago in West London. I can confirm that he is a very strange person. A week after Jimmy Saville, the BBC allow Townshend to plug his latest oeuvre. The words of Millwall F.C. supporters’ club echo in the ears: “No one likes us, we don’t care.” Give it three months and they will back on to us.

    Didn’t Frank Skinner win some money for CATFOOD (I prefer CATFORD) on a game show? This is the many who returned to the Catholic Church under the tutelage of Hans Kung. There was a time when attracting smart people to the Faith was a bonus. Now we cringe every time a Catholic with a M.A. opens his mouth in public.

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  6. Does CAMPFRAUD do work with struggling Ordinariate clergy? They really need our help after that disappointing decision of the Charities Commission.

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  7. Perhaps Auntie, you should enlist the help of Fr. John Honeywicke, not only is he 'priested' into the ordinariate, but his blog drips and oozes with stuff about mutual enrichment.

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  8. I was without a fridge too and as I'm unable to get out it REALLY WAS a problem! My milk only comes every 2-3 days in case you wondered!

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