The refugee Pope

A Christmas appeal.

At this time of year, our thoughts naturally turn to the plight of refugees, and I want to highlight the case of Jorge, an Argentinian priest.

Jorge fled to Italy about six years ago, changed his name to Francis to evade the Argentinian Secret Service, TANGO, and has since been unable to go home. If he returns to Argentina, he is likely to be arrested and asked all sorts of embarrassing questions about his activities there. So he has been working in Rome, in an administrative job that is clearly beyond him, waiting for the day when he will be able to return home.

Jorge (masked for his own protection).

Jorge's religion is a simple Pachamama-based worship, as is usual for the indigenous people of South America. However, he has been under severe pressure to adopt the right-wing imperialistic colonialist fascist Catholic religion, as founded by that not-very-Socialist man Christ, who is styled the "King" by his followers, rather than a humble "Comrade" or "Citizen Jesus".

Pachamama bishops refuse Communion as they don't believe in it.

Jorge wants nothing more to live a humble lifestyle, perhaps taking aeroplane trips once a month to destinations worldwide (not Argentina!), being addressed as "Holy Father", and worshipping in his own unique manner, making up doctrine whenever he feels like it. Is it too much to ask for your support here?

The Advent Calendar

So, finally, we reach day 24 of Advent, and all the little windows on my spiritually nourishing Advent calendar have been opened.

We see here all that is best in contemporary Catholicism. None of that rigid stuff with Jesus and the Apostles, the Saints, the Martyrs, or the Doctors of the Church - although at least two of the people on the calendar humbly expect to become saints when they die, one is a martyr to flatulence, and two more think they will be doctors of the Church.

Who can these top Catholics be?

The pictures include two puppets (not counting you, Austen!) and one heathen idol; one pope and two future popes; an expert on human flourishing; the two fattest cardinals since Wolsey; at least two people who are certifiably insane; and a man with a lampshade on his head.

However, the makers of the calendar have excluded all dangerously rigid and merciless Catholics: so no Benedict XVI, no Sarah, no Schneider, no Burke, no Viganò, no Festing, etc. etc.

And a happy Christmas to all readers!

The Eccles crèche, with the unusually large king.

Has Francis been replaced by an android?

Various theories have been advanced about the mysterious device seen attached to Pope Francis, as observed on Marco Tosatti's lovely blog. Is it a radio, enabling him to receive instructions from his controller, Fr Spadaro? Could it be a medical device, allowing the Pope to operate at a faster rate than the average 83-year-old? Or is it simply a communicator produced by the primitive indigenous peoples of South America, enabling him to stay in touch with Pachamama?

That mystery object.

No, in fact the truth is (probably) rather different. When the St Gallen Mafia arranged for Jorge Bergoglio to become Pope, they also constructed an android, which was programmed with all the knowledge and experience of that great cardinal. Bergoglio himself had said many times that he did not wish to be Pope, so, when the white smoke emerged, they hurriedly dressed the android in papal robes and pushed it out onto the balcony of St Peter's. The mystery object is an electronic component that is not usually visible.

At first, the android performed reasonably well. However, gradually some electronic faults began to develop - writing Amoris Laetitia caused the circuitry to overheat; more problems were seen when the android was placed in an aeroplane, and the plane's electronic components caused it to produce random teachings; desperate attempts by Baldisseri and his fellow-engineers to rewire the Pope simply led to more errors.

A hitherto unpublished picture of Pope Francis.

In the last week or two, more degradation of performance has been noted. The Martini 2.0 filter that was fitted has started to malfunction; the Sign of the Cross relays are getting rusty; there is an overloading of the Pachamama diodes; the Catholicism over-ride has stopped working; and the infallibility chip is in danger of catching fire.

Quick - can someone reverse the polarity of the neutron flow, before it is too late?

Pope Francis addresses the Curia

Dear brothers and sisters,

Start with something friendly. Usually you insult them for twenty minutes without a break, and it doesn't go down well.

You are awful, but I like you! God commands us to love everyone, even time-serving wastrels such as yourselves, so I do love you. Honestly. Have a good Christmas, or Eid, or Hanukah, according to choice! Just don't overeat, you fat slobs.

"Remember Christendom no longer exists. Least of all in Rome."

Hmm, not bad, that seems to have won them over. How about some Process Theology now? I know it's heretical, but dress it up in scientific language.

Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Francis. Its ten-year mission, to initiate processes, to avoid occupying spaces, and to give birth to new historical dynamics. To boldly go where no Church has gone before.

After all, E=mc²; on the other hand time wastes our bodies and our wits but we waste time so we are quits. In the immortal words of Obi-Wan Kenobi, "May the Force be with you". Or as R2D2 put it, "Bleep, bleep, bleep!" And I think there is a message there for all of us.

A true prophet.

Brilliant. Now, a tribute to Cardinal "shaken but not stirred" Martini. After all, he was the arch-modernist whose St Gallen group got you the job.

Cardinal Martini, in his last interview, a few days before his death, said something that should make us think: "The Church is two thousand years behind the times, still following teachings from the first century. We need to change everything. Socialism, liberation theology, revolution. Give Baal a chance!" Makes you think, doesn't it?

Martini (or Baal).

Wind up with a grumble about rigidity. That always goes down well.

As many gymnasts will tell you, rigidity is a great temptation, which must be resisted. It leads to imbalance, and falling off the high bar. The same applies in Catholicism. Keeping the same religious opinions for years on end, just because they are traditional Christian teaching, leads to erecting fences on the terrain of common good, turning it into a minefield of incomprehension and hatred. That's how minefields are created - ask any engineer.

Wind up now, they're getting bored.

Well I would bless you with the sign of the cross, but I find that very rigid. So I'd just like to thank you for watching me and my little show here tonight. If you've enjoyed it, then it's all been worthwhile. So, until we meet again, good night, and I love you all!

How to worship a life-jacket

We continue our series on "How to be a good Pope" with more advice for any of our readers who may at some stage be invited to give spiritual leadership to millions around the world.

Today, it's life-jackets (or life-vests, if you prefer). For years you have been riding round the world in aeroplanes, telling the other passengers (who simply wanted you to shut up so that they could watch the in-flight movie) the truth about sin and redemption climate change and plastic straws.

You became jealous of the flight attendants who got to demonstrate the oxygen masks and life jackets. After all, nobody questions their teaching - there are no flight attendants sending in dubia to ask whether the masks should provide laughing gas instead, or the life jackets be made of lead. But when you speak out, every word is analysed and intepreted in different ways.

Praise to the holy life-jacket!

Your scheme to replace the Virgin Mary with Pachamama didn't go down too well, and indeed your idols were thrown into the Tiber (without life-jackets). But replacing Christ on the Cross with a life-jacket is going to be a real winner!

Curiously, Christ is one of the few people in history who would never have needed a life-jacket, as He could walk on water; but that is purely coincidental.

Now, some critics might call you a "loony" for distorting an instantly-recognisable symbol of your faith in this way. So, make up a cover story, something about migrants drowning, if you like. It's currently Catholic teaching that this is a bad thing - although the precedent of Jonah suggests that perhaps the answer to the problem is to fill the Mediterranean with giant fish - so anyone who criticises the elevation of the blessed life-jacket "Jacketamama" to the Cross is obviously a complete fascist who likes nothing more than drowning his fellow men.

This scheme should be a winner, and it will keep people's attention occupied while you smuggle out an apostolic exhortation telling people what you wish the Amazon Synod had decided.

O Peter! I told you to put on a life-jacket!

Harry Potter and the Curse of Woke

All royalties to be divided equally with J.K. Rowling.

"Harry (he him), have you met the new pupil, Doris Trans?" asked Hermione (she, her). "She was born as Boris Trans, but don't call her that. Apparently, a great wizard cast a spell on her, and she is now female!"

A bearded giant strode into the room. "Hi, guys, gals, and others!" she said. "Professor Dumbledore (he, him, most of the time) has said I can use the girls' changing rooms; I'm looking forward to taking up ladies' boxing and wrestling, and smashing girls' heads in."

The beautiful Doris Woke.

Just then Hagrid entered the room, carrying a huge trunk. "Hey, Boris," he said, "here's your luggage!"

"You transphobic BIGOT!" said Doris, knocking Hagrid unconscious with a single blow of her delicate fists.

Quick as a flash, Hermione reacted. Trying out a new spell for the first time she waved her wand and shouted "CIS TRANS". Instantly, everyone in the room began to identify with the opposite gender: Harriet Potter (she, her), Hismione Granger (he, him), Boris Trans (he, him), and the lovely but rather stunned Hagrida (she, her).

Professor Snape, who was just passing, caught a weakened form of the spell, and became convinced that he or she was now a member of all genders simultaneously.

"You'll be punished for this, Miss, er, Mr Granger!"

That evening Dumbledore decided to take action, and he used the Sorting Hat to classify each of the pupils into one of the four main genders: male, female, transmale, and transfemale. This just left Draco Malefem, who insisted that zi was Two-Spirit Fluid Bi-Pan-Sexual, and would need to use both bathrooms simultaneously.

But where did that leave Lord (or Lady) Voldemort? Nobody knew.

Author's note: this is supposed to be a spiritually nourishing blog, so we end with a quotation from Jeremiah 13:23.

"Can the leopard change his spots, or the man his chromosomes?"

Fr James Martin tries Conversion Therapy

The subject of "Conversion Therapy" or "Reparative Therapy" is controversial, and according to that top papal adviser Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, "such programs have been discredited by nearly every reputable psychiatrist, cause immense psychological harm to people, and 'cure' nothing."

Thus it came as a surprise when Fr Jim knocked on the door of the Dr Eccles Clinic and demanded conversion.

The patient, before Conversion Therapy.

We strapped him down in a chair, attached electrodes to him, and injected him with Ecclesine, the new wonder conversion drug.

Day 1. The patient begins to revise his views on Biblical teaching. He concedes that perhaps Jesus did not get His best ideas from the Canaanite Woman, and that maybe after all Mary Magdalene was not "the Church" between the time of the Crucifixion and the Resurrection.

Day 2. The patient admits that it is just possible that the Holy Spirit is male, and not female.

Day 3. Big strides forward. The patient burns his collection of Pachamama idols, and the collected works of Austen Ivereigh. He admits that America Magazine is "rubbish from beginning to end".

"This garden-gnome will have to go!" says Fr Jim.

Day 4. Another success! Fr Jim starts regretting his obsession with LGBT issues, and says that "building bridges" is not the answer. He doesn't quite go as far as admitting the existence of sin, but things are looking promising.

Day 5. Another surprising statement from Fr Jim: "Thomas Merton was a dirty old man and a heretic!" He decides to abandon his Jesuit membership, and says that "Ignatian Yoga destroys your soul and causes hernias."

Day 6. We try giving the patient a Bible, a Penny Catechism, and a copy of the Eccles blog. This proves to be too much at this early stage, and he is rushed into intensive care, suffering from an overdose of Spiritual Nourishment.

Day 7. The patient is given a copy of the Catholic Herald, and manages to digest it without becoming feverish. Soon he will be ready for undiluted Catholicism.

Surely that's a Catholic priest?

Day 8. The Conversion is Complete! Fr Jim is now a fully orthodox Catholic. Perhaps, indeed, we have gone too far: he is reading all the conservative blogs and making derogatory comments about Amoris Laetitia. What would Pope Francis say?

Brexodus 20 - Bosis smiteth the Corbynites

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. Thus in the seventh month Bosis became the leader of the Conservatites, and was charged with leading the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

2. And he appointed wise counsellors: Sajidiah the chancellor, Dominic the Raabi as secretary for foreigners, and Priti of Patmos as secretary for homes.

3. And Bosis spake unto the Pharaoh Juncker, saying, "The deal of Maysis is not welcome unto us, and if we must, we shall leave without any deal at all. But in any case, we shall leave on the last day of the tenth month."

4. And straightaway there came the season of holy days, and the members of the House of common people went to the Red Seaside with their buckets and spades, and thought how they might cross it.

The Red Sea.

5. But now many men began to desert the troops of Bosis. These included Ken-neth the clerk, Philip of Ham-mon, Nicho-las the Soamanite, and Amber the ruddy one. These were known as "big beasts", especially Nicho-las.

6. And Bosis said "Hitherto I have chastised ye with whips, but now I shall chastise ye with scorpions." But he had no scorpions, and the big beasts reamined unchastised, without the whip.

7. Moreover, John of Ber-cow, he that was called the speaker, whose every word was "Order! Order!" vowed to stop the Brexodus by fair means or foul. For this is called "impartiality".

8. So Bosis said, "May this for a lark be stuffed, and let us send the members of the House of common people back to the Red Seaside, to a place called Pro-rog, that they thwart me not."

9. But at that time the children of Bri-tain were really being ruled by Judges. Thus, in the courts of the supreme, it was decided that the House of common people must leave Pro-rog, and return to work.

10. And all the people rejoiced, for is not the word of an unelected judge to be preferred above the word of an elected leader?

The judges dress up as tigers in order to frighten Bosis.

11. Now Bosis returned from the Pharaoh with a new deal, and he vowed once again to leave at the end of the tenth month.

12. But, owing to a series of events which are too complex for this book, especially if it is to be read out at Mass when people are thinking of something else, he was unable to leave.

13. For Oliver the Lost One, aided by Ber-cow the speaker, forced Bosis to write to the Pharaoh Juncker and Donald Ivereigh-Tusk, saying "We wish to remain in the land of EUgypt for a bit longer, as we are having such a great time."

14. And Bosis sent the letter, but refused to sign it. Indeed, he sent a second letter, saying, "Please ignore the first letter for I was being tortured when I wrote it."

15. However, the Pharaoh guessed that the first letter was from Bosis, and granted him a few more months of servitude.

Bosis maketh things perfectly clear.

16. In the end the House of common people, having debated for three years on the question of Brexodus, agreed to dissolve itself, and allow the children of Bri-tain to elect new leaders.

17. And Ber-cow vowed to speak no more. Although he was later heard speaking on the visions of Tele.

18. Thus there were four main tribes involved in the election: the Conservatites of Bosis, the Corbynites of Jeremiah (he who hated the children of Israel), the Liberated Democratites of Josephine, and the Scottites of the north, who worshipped a giant sturgeon.

19. So for forty days and forty nights the four tribes put forth their empty promises ("a camel in every home", "handmaidens to satisy your every wish", "a land flowing with milk and honey") to the children of Bri-tain. And the children of Bri-tain threw their words into the burning fiery furnace.

Bosis meeteth his adversaries, including the Count of Binface, at the bridge of Ux.

20. So finally, in the middle of the twelfth month, the people showed their wishes by writing a mighty "X" on the papers of ballot.

21. And, when the votes were counted, it was seen that Bosis had vanquished the Corbynites. Also, Josephine the Democratite was cast into the outer darkness, as were many other famous men, including Chukhas Ur-money and some of the big beasts.

22. Thus Bosis was granted five more years in which to leave the land of EUgypt. If he could.

Continued in Chapter 21.

Destruction of the idol Pachabanana

Allies of Pope Francis have been reacting furiously to the news that an art work, "Pachabanana", consisting of a banana taped to the wall, has been eaten.

"Hail to thee, Pachabanana!"

Bought by Cardinal Becciu Investments Inc. for $120,000, the Pachabanana idol is a fruit of the recent Amazonian Synod, being part of the indigenous culture of Latin America. At the synod, Pope Francis took part in a service at which the participants worshipped the banana. Its skins have even been exported to the Slipper chapel at Walsingham in England, "to make it more slippery".

The eater of the Pachabanana has been variously described as a "vandal", a "fascist", an "insult to the Virgin Mary" by the usual suspects, and Pope Francis is also said to be annoyed.

Alexander Tschugguel, The desecrator of Pachabanana.

In other news, the Vatican has been spending its "Peter's Pence", donated by the faithful, on making movies. The first one is said to be a porno film about the life of   Fr James Martin, starring Elton John   Elton John, starring Fr James Martin.

It is expected that the Vatican's second film will be "The Pachamama family", the wacky story of a dysfunctional family, consisting of Pachapapa, Pachamama, and the twins Pacha-Austen and Pacha-Dawn. When Pachagranny decides to come and stay, there are hilarious consequences, and Pachamama is pushed into the river!

The sex life of the Jesuit

We are grateful to Fr James Martin for drawing our attention to a survey which claims that "...same-sex behaviour is bound up in the nature of animal sex. It hasn't had to continually re-evolve: It's always been there."

Fr Jim is of course mentioning this as part of his campaign to get LGBT stuff accepted as normal, natural, not sinful, just as good as heterosexual behaviour, perhaps even better, how dare you boycott our Pride marches, let's make sure children learn about it from an early age, ...you bigots!

So we decided the time had come to write about the sex life of the Jesuit, a creature which evolved comparatively recently from the ape kingdom (1534 or thereabouts), and was known initially for its spiritual exercises, which later evolved into Ignatian yoga.

Two Jesuits engaging in Ignatian yoga.

Jesuits are a male-only species, so it is not clear how they manage to breed (possibly, they are born as mutations from other humanoid species). They often live in single-sex communes, and - if we are to believe Fr Jim - they enjoy a perfectly natural sex life.

The dominant male of the pack (sometimes called a pope, superior general, or perhaps bishop) is usually an old man, and he does not normally engage in any activity beyond the uttering of incomprehensible grunts and the worship of strange objects. The younger Jesuits swear an oath of obedience to him, after which they are free to engage in single-sex activities. The more active Jesuits are often engaged in struggles for dominance, and it is said that they bend the youngest members, the seminarians, to their will. Sometimes they carry them off to their lairs (for example, beach houses) in order to practice "discernment" with them.

Natural Historian David Attenborough does the "sign of peace" with a Jesuit.

Jesuits are attracted by bright colours, for example rainbow-themed clothes, but are commonly seen dressed in black. Sometimes they can even be mistaken for human beings, at least until they start talking.

Since this is a family blog, we shall not go into the sordid details of their rituals (no doubt there is a David Attenborough television programme about them), but if we mention the words "accompaniment", "discernment", "spiritual exercise" and "missionary", I think most readers will know what I mean.

No more old Catholics to be canonized

A decision has come down from the Vatican that only Catholics inspired by the Spirit of Vatican II will henceforth be eligible for canonization. "We let Newman through the gate, but that's the last one," said a spokesman. "From now on only modernists can become saints. The next one will probably be Cardinal Martini."

The first victim of this new rule is Archbishop Fulton Sheen, who was due to be beatified in a few weeks time, now that his body has been wrested from the pudgy grip of Cardinal Dolan. The USCCB have pointed out that it is almost unheard-of for an American bishop to have lived a life of purity and decency ("We've all got boyfriends," claimed one bishop), and so there must be something nasty in Sheen's history.

Fulton Sheen appears on "What's my line" and writes down his occupation.

Elizabeth the Scalier, also known as the Angriest, who has left Patheticos and now works for Bishop Barron's "Throw our words into the fire" empire, has come up with the suggestion that perhaps Sheen had some homosexual relations in his CV.

It is believed that in a few days time she will have come up with more imaginative speculations - possibly the existence of a beach house in which seminarians were abused. Obvuously, mere homosexual activity is not considered a bar to canonization these days, indeed in some Jesuit circles it is really a sine qua non.

No doubts about Cardinal Martini (a.k.a. Baal)!

Pope says that sad people are not Christians

Pope Francis has declared that sad people are not Christians, so let's all be cheerful, guys, and we'll be saved!

Someone (I can't remember who), once said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Still, the Holy Father knows best in these matters, and from now on it's laughter all the way!

The Pope is giving a happy smile, but you may be too sinful to see it.

Some readers will recall that the recent Amazon synod featured some notorious wooden idols, but we can now reveal that they were delivered by mistake. In fact the Vatican had ordered statues of the famous Pollyanna, patron saint of unjustifiable optimism, but... you know... administrative errors... It seemed best to carry on and hope that nobody noticed.

All readers still happy? Got a jolly grin on your face? Excellent!

Probably the most Christian person of all.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, requiem masses. It won't do, you know. When people die, we should be happy because they are guaranteed to go to Heaven (unless they have committed some very grave sin, such as turning on the central heating in winter). So, no more of this rigid unChristian "Requiem eternam" stuff, please, and let's all burst out into a chorus of "Happy days are here again!"

Pope Francis's top adviser, Fr James Martin, concurs. "Everyone should be gay!" he says - and you can't get much more authoritative than that!

Another group of saintly Christians.

Austen Ivereigh also backs the Pope. "Every time I show people my new book on Pope Francis, they burst out laughing!" he says. "I feel that my writing is bringing more people to Christ."

So there you have it. From now on, it's laughter all the way. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, ho, tee hee, tee hee, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle," as the new hymn by Dan Schutte has it.

Ho ho ho! St Nicholas shows the way.

ASK FATHER: I utterly reject the Church so how can I remain Pope?

From a reader (J.B.):

QUAERITUR: The Catholic Church is really getting me down. There are so many people who spurn my new initiatives (abandoning the Chinese, introducing the worship of Pachamama, tinkering with the catechism, appointing crazed loonies to the college of cardinals, cosying up to James Martin, dropping the notion of adultery...)

Also, the fraud squad, drugs squad, and vice squad are closing in on all my best mates in Rome. How can I possibly remain Pope? I am seriously thinking of converting to the Anglican church, where nobody would care two hoots about such things.

"Hmm, I wonder whether Fr E can help?"

Father E responds.

There are several options open to you, where you make slight adjustments in your job conditions. For example, you could declare yourself an antipope and move to Avignon, which has a nice bridge on which people dance and throw idols into the Rhone. Or you could imitate your predecessor Benedict XVI and take early retirement, setting yourself up as a Pope Emeritus with no duties apart from praying and drinking beer. Or perhaps you could stay on as bishop of Rome, and let someone else be Pope.

These seats reserved for Popes Emeriti.

Remember that whereas you are Infallible (but please don't put this to the test!) the Church is Impossible - or at least most of its members are. So don't panic.

You are not totally without friends, you know. There is dear little Austen Ivereigh, the writer of best-selling fiction; Massimo Faggioli, the world's top theologian; Spadaro loves you; and there are others. They want you to continue the reform of the Catholic Church, so that it ends up totally unrecognisable.

"We're giving away a free Pachamama idol with every copy of my book!"

You mustn't be demoralised by the sound of idols splashing into the river, cries of "Hello hello hello, Mr Becciu, could you accompany me to the police station, please?" or silly blogs making jokes about Amoris Laetitia. You could hold out for a few more years yet.

Another thing you could try doing is praying. That's the bit where you kneel down, try and look holy, and think about what you're going to have for dinner. Some people also use it as a way of contacting God, but I don't want to put too much pressure on you at this stage.

Oh, and I did I mention the two routes to salvation? (1) Go to Confession. (2) Buy Mystic Monk Coffee!

Father E.

"Possession of giant killer bees is sinful," says Pope

Following Pope Francis's comments that the possession of nuclear missiles is sinful, Catholics have rushed to destroy any that they might have at home, beating their swords into ploughshares, and their warheads into highly radioactive idols of Pachamama.

Furthermore, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Boris Johnson, Xi Jinping and other world leaders have promised to decommission their nuclear weapons as soon as possible.

The Death Star - unlikely to make it into the catechism.

Said Boris, "Crikey! It's a good job that we're still allowed to use laser death rays, 'Satan bug' killer viruses, deadly nerve gas, and cyanide in the water supply. Otherwise those Russian and Chinese chappies would be all over us!"

It is not clear exactly what the wording of the catechism will be. Possibly the change will be preceded by an apostolic exhortation Armorum Laetitia - the joy of weapons - in which an obscure footnote will explain that those living in sin with nuclear weapons will still be admitted to communion after a process of accompaniment.

A new threat to mankind?

Meanwhile, the Pope is now turning his attention to Giant Killer Bees, which are already banned by the Geneva convention. It would be unthinkable to proscribe nuclear weapons in the catechism, while still allowing such deadly creatures to wipe out the free world (or even the non-free world, for that matter).

Pope Francis of course has no need of weapons of mass destruction. When he took over the Sovereign Order of Malta, it was a bloodless coup, and although Fra' Matthew Festing, in retirement, checks his bed every night for giant spiders, he has so far found none.

Beware the giant killer spidero!

Justin Welby explains buffer zones

"Hi! I'm Justin, Archbishop of Canterbury, and the rightful heir of St Peter (we try not to mention Henry VIII). I've been asked my opinion about buffer zones!

Well, at first I misunderstood. I thought they were referring to zones where old buffers like me could sit and relax, untroubled by my neighbours praying! In the Anglican Church we call them cathedrals, and they usually have a crazy golf course or helter-skelter to help bring in the customers!

But, no, it actually refers to buffer zones round abortion clinics. My dear friend Juq the Ruppa (memo: check name) is a great fan of these, especially in Ealing, and she certainly doesn't want to see people praying!"

"You could say they're doing the wrong thing, you could say they’re doing the right thing, you can say it's their right, you can say that the baby has rights ... uh..."

What Welby really said, script written by his assistant Rev. Enid Waffle.

Political leaders welcomed Welby's views. "You wouldn't think he was one of those God-botherers, would you?" said a prominent Labour MP, K. Herod. His own party has decided to decriminalise all abortions, and is now looking seriously at allowing the possibility of killing all children up to the age of 6, after which they will of course have the vote.

"No, he's very enlightened," agreed E. Nero, a Liberal Democrat MP. "Welby's the sort of sound man that would be welcome in our party, unlike those Christians we chucked out." His party is looking into the possibility of making pregnancy illegal, and - being liberal - only killing children up to the age of 4.

These views of Archbishop Welby may lead to an ecumenical crisis, as Catholics (even Vincent Nichols) are unlikely to participate in ceremonies to bless abortion clinics. However, when did you last hear a Catholic priest - far less, a bishop - denounce abortion from the pulpit? As St Stephen put it: "Hey, guys, I was only joking when I said I believed in Christ. Put those stones down!"

Francis: We've dropped the adultery and idolatry commandments. That's as far as we can go now.
Welby: Hold my beer!

Chick-fil-A starts donating to the Catholic Church

Following pressure from LGBT activists, who have forced their first ever British restaurant (in Reading) to close, Chick-fil-A have surrendered further, and will no longer be giving money to the "anti-gay" Salvation Army and Fellowship of Christian Athletes.

However, all is not lost, as in looking around for other Christian organizations that could be worth their support, and which might be found less offensive by the Gay Mafia, Chick-fil-A have stumbled across the Catholic Church.

A top LGBT activist and part-time priest shares a joke with Pope Francis.

"We don't know much about this organization," said their Managing Director, Mr Jack Chick (memo: check this), "because apparently their top man tells them to keep quiet and under no circumstances try to convert people. Still, we see that in the U.S.A. they are very hot on gay rights, and this should please the gay Mafia chaps."

Said Algy Beattie, an activist in the GLAAD Pride Mafia, "This seems like a good choice to us. We have excellent relations with Sweetie Cupich, Nighty-Night Tobin, and James Martin LGBTSJ the famous bridge-builder and organizer of LGBT retreats (know what I mean?) They have assured us that the bits in the Bible condemning homosexual acts are never read out in church these days, and certainly never preached on. Also that fat chap in New York, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick Pride March who hates Fulton Sheen. He backs us too."

And are the English bishops doing their bit for gay rights, and fighting the battle against bigots, such as the now totally discredited St Paul? Of course they are: many dioceses now have LGBT Pride Masses: Clifton, Salford, Northampton, Nottingham, ... the list is fairly predictable really. It is expected that they will insist on Chick-fil-A providing the catering for their regular LGBT activities. That should keep the gay Mafia happy! Well done, lads!

Salford. Inevitably.

New eco-friendly catechism

Plastic

92357 Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents the use of plastic as an act of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that "plastic is intrinsically disordered." It is contrary to the natural law. It does not proceed from a genuine love of Mother Nature as shown to us through Pachamama. Under no circumstances can it be approved.

92358 The inclination to use plastic is objectively disordered, but the number of men and women who feel such deep-seated urges is not negligible. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God's will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord's Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

92359 God in His mercy has provided for us Green Bins, in which to caste away all plastics that may prevent us from approaching Christian perfection. Although some of us are endowed with bins that are blue, or even rainbow-coloured, they too can be seen as blessings unto us.

92360 Many of us are also blessed with bins of another colour; for example, we may have a brown bin into which may be cast all that is biodegradable, that it may be return to Mother Earth as compost. To throw into our brown bin those gifts that are not worthy of it, such as plastics, wooden idols, and glass bottles, is morally inadmissible; wrongdoers must pray and fast, and may only receive forgiveness from a bishop.

© Pope Francis and Cardinal G. Thunberg

Cast away your sins, that ye may be forgiven!

Fr James Martin explains the Bible

Followers of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ have long admired his interpretations of the Bible ("Mary Magdalene was the Church", "Jesus learned from the Canaanite woman", "The Holy Spirit is female") and now at last his thoughts have been collected into a book, "BUILDING A FUDGE". We are pleased to be able to print some extracts here.

In fact the remaining 9 were off to an LGBT "retreat".

Let's look at the story of Noah's Ark in detail. God had decided to drown most of the human race, as they were guilty of homophobia, insensitivity of the needs of migrants, and a refusal to take part in the Ignatian Yoga sessions organized by Fr Noah SJ.

The interesting part of this story begins when the waters were receding, and Noah decided to send out a dove from the ark. We can see this dove as a refugee seeking a new life, and the first time it went out it came back, rejected, possibly because it was an LGBT dove. The next time, the dove returned with an olive leaf, showing that the olive tree community were trying to build bridges with it. Finally the dove did not return. And we all know what happened next: God set a rainbow in the sky to symbolise the fact that He approves of LGBT sex.

The LGBT message could hardly be clearer!

Let's move on a bit to the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the Book of Daniel. Why were they thrown into the burning fiery furnace? Was it because they refused to serve the gods of Nebuchadnezzar and worship the golden image he set up? This doesn't sound very likely, does it? Would Pope Francis SJ throw Mr Alexander Tschugguel into a burning fiery furnace, just because he was disrespectful to the idol of Pachamama? Well, actually, he probably would, the Holy Father has quite a temper (trust me, I am a great friend of his). Still, in this case there was obviously more behind the story.

Jesuit scholars reckon that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were probably leaders of the local LGBT community. The fact that God "built a bridge" towards them by sparing them from the intense fires simply proves my case. They were the marginalised, the despised, the rejected, but in the end they triumphed.

Incidentally, putting people into burning fiery furnaces has now been condemned by Pope Francis, as it produces harmful CO₂ emissions. See the new Catholic Catechism for details.

"When we come out we can sell our story to the National Catholic Reporter!"

Finally, a story from Maccabees. There were seven brothers, and they were threatened with tortures if they did not renounce their faith and eat pigs' flesh, which was against their traditional teaching. Quite a tough assignment, similar to the persecution I received when I was heckled in Baltimore! Still, the story has a happy ending, as they all agreed "These are my principles, but if you don't like them I have others" and tucked into bacon sandwiches.

Of course the Bible has an account that says that all seven were put to death in hideous agony (skin torn off, fried in a pan etc.) but this is almost certainly a translation error. When reading the Bible, always ignore the inconvenient bits. That's what I do!

"It was all a misunderstanding!" The seven brothers celebrate.

Ten years on - Pope Cupich on Inculturation

Inculturation: A two-way street

November 9th, 2029

As all Catholics will know, following the conclave in which I was elected Pope, and took the title Pope Francis II (thanks, Austen!) we decided to hold a Nile Synod, to celebrate the beliefs of ancient Egypt and see how they could be integrated into the Catholic faith.

But an incident occurred that outraged many people. Early one morning, two people removed from the Church of St. Mary in Traspontina statues that were used in the opening ceremonies of the synod - and threw them into the Tiber River.

Vandals thought this idol was inappropriate in a church!

The artwork from Egypt represented the god Set, or Sutekh, the god of chaos, fire, deserts, trickery, storms, envy, disorder, and violence, who symbolised for the indigenous people the bond that humanity has with "Mother Hell", and her high priest, who is variously known as Satan, Pluto, Hades, Orcus, Sauron, Osiris, Mictlantecuhtli, and Ivereigh. As Cardinal James Martin has pointed out, we must build bridges with Hell, and attempt to cross them.

St John Henry Newman, canonized ten years ago now, pointed out that the Church has always incorporated pagan elements into its traditions. "Employing slave labour (nowadays known as altar servers), burying its rulers in splendid pyramids, torturing people under the Inquisition, all are of pagan origin, and sanctified by their adoption into the church."

The Humble Tomb of Pope Francis I. The sphinx represents the unanswered riddle of the Dubia.

Let's admit that the statues originate from a religious culture that is pre-Christian or considered "pagan." What is the church’s approach as it engages such cultures? Should we regard them as "primitive", "evil", or "heathen"? Or should we learn from them and absorb them into our own worship of Whoever-it-is?

During my years serving as the bishop in western South Dakota, I learned a great deal from the Lakota people. Their habit of doing war dances, scalping their enemies, and firing arrows into passers-by brought a cultural enrichment to my life, and a better understanding of Catholic teaching. These Lakotans understand time and eternity much better than we do - or at least, much better than I do.

Our tradition and my own experiences have taught me that our approach to other cultures always must be done with humility, but also curiosity. A passage from the book of Matthew springs to mind here: "Flee to Egypt, and stay there until I bring you word." Enough said!

Pope Francis II (and no jokes about my being in de Nile!)

Winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals 2019.

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.

A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*

*Probably.

Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.

A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!