Westboro Baptist Church Ecumenical Events

My fellow saved Baptists,

This week sees a truly solemn occasion, the funeral of the actor Robin Williams. In a spirit of ecumenism we shall be sending representatives along to the event, with a message of condolence: "Burn in Hell you rotten faggot". As you may know, our researches have shown that Mr Williams led a double life as a homosexual club-owner, until he was exposed in a film called The Birdcage. Our investigations have also shown that he used to infiltrate himself into people's houses as a transvestite housekeeper - an activity specifically forbidden in the book of Leviticus.

Hell has a special circle for transvestite housekeepers.

Looking further ahead, we are starting to think of Christmas. Yes, it's the Panto season, and this year the Khilafa Players have promised us a real treat - Aladdin and his Magic Lamp! We shall be sending a party along to the first night at the Alhambra Theatre, and we're all looking forward to seeing Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in the role of Widow Twanky. When he comes on we shall arise as one - though there may be as many as two of us - and burn down the theatre, for GOD HATES PANTOMIME DAMES. They stimulate unnatural carnal desires, don't they? Well, they did in Pastor Fred Phelps, bless his memory.

A source of unnatural carnal desires.

Finally, we are already making plans for next Lent, when the Westboro Episcopalian Church, St Thomas Cromwell's, will be putting on a passion play. This is going to portray several EVIL characters, and so we shall be involved in the production in a generally offensive capacity. For example, JUDAS - although non-Baptists love him - was a ROTTEN SKUNK, so any actor who attempts to portray him on stage had better watch out. Worse than Judas was PETER - who some say was the first pope, i.e., a CATHOLIC, i.e., worse even than FAGS! When Peter comes on he'd better watch out for hisses, boos, and a shower of rotten tomatoes!

Actually, there's nobody here that we Westboro Baptists can approve of!

Death to the infidel! And that means anyone who wasn't in church this morning!

Jim Phelps (Pastor),
The Impossible Mission,
Westboro.

A caliph for all seasons

A special eulogy from Aaron Y. Zelin of the Washington Institute for Getting Things Dreadfully Wrong (in association with the BBC).

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi with his greatest fan.

Caliph Baghdadi is a truly great man, and, as a member of the exclusive Al-Gore tribe, he can trace his ancestry back to the prophet Mohammed. Thus he is able to claim the title of "Grand Caliph of the Muslims, Ruler of the Philistines, the Midianites, the Jebusites, the Moabites, the Ammonites, the Parasites, and the Molybdenites (incorporating the Children of Gath, Babylon, and Wolverhampton)". What's more he is a distinguished scholar, who knows all about Algebra, Algorithms, Alcapone and all the other branches of mathematics invented by Arabs. He obtained a Ph.D. from the Islamic University of Baghdad, having followed courses in dress designing, media studies, Islamic terrorism, bomb-making, knitting and flower arranging. Oh, he's brainy!

Fractions - invented by Mohammed.

So, when he's not planning genocide, mass-murder, terrorism, and the extermination of all life on Earth, how does Baghdadi like to relax? Well, he's very fond of music, and although he refers to Lady Gaga as a "shameless infidel hussy with a rotten singing voice", he does have a complete collection of her CDs, with which he likes to chill out when nobody is watching. He is also a keen nature-lover, and escapes from the tensions inherent in being a world leader by pulling the wings off butterflies and chewing live gerbils.

"Harry", Caliph Baghdadi's pet gerbil (and lunch).

Well, I hope I have managed to give a balanced and unbiased eulogy of the man they call "Al-jol-son" - an Arabic term meaning "That scruffy old lunatic in the long black dress who keeps drivelling to himself and hasn't changed his underwear since 1991" - isn't Arabic an amazingly expressive language? As he prepares his latest jihad, one has to ask: is he really getting the praise and recognition he deserves? Compared with the religious leaders of the West, is he not both more sincere and more popular - well, with the BBC at least?

Western religious leaders prepare to launch a jihad.

Time to get nasty about ISIS

In general, this is a somewhat friendly as well as spiritually nourishing blog. We do occasionally tease one or two backsliders - for example, Tina Beattie the preposterous professor, Michael Campbell the bullying bishop, Vincent Nichols the cardboard cardinal, Richard Dawkins the drivelling don, and George Carey the absurd archbishop - but these people are not evil through and through, and our comments are kindly meant.

"Caliph" Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi - or "Piggy" as he is known to his friends.

However, once in a while one has to write about real bastards: if Charlie Chaplin was able to mock Adolf Hitler in The Great Dictator, then surely Eccles can get uncharacteristically nasty about Caliph Piggy, self-styled ruler of the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS), and an Allah-fearing Sunni Muslim?

"Sunni" Hundal Jim, Piggy's second-in-command.

To be fair, Piggy is mad as well as bad - and I am not going to mention his disgusting personal habits, his loathsome infectious diseases, or the fact that he smells like a dead rat. Our hero is planning to march on Rome in his quest to establish an Islamic State across Europe. However, we know that there is no chance of that, as President Obama is on the case!

Obama takes charge of the crisis.

You may have heard the parable of the wheat and the darnel (or tares) in church today. It's all dressed up in agricultural metaphors, but the basic plot is that God sends Jesus down to the world to redeem mankind, and then Satan sends Mohammed along to poison everything. Well, Satan is certainly having a great time in Mosul at present, as the ISIS goes about its business of exterminating Christians.

An Arabic "nun" letter, used to denote a Christian's house.

The above picture shows Piggy's idea of a smiley emoticon - or at least a smiley as designed by a one-eyed cyclops. There is a school of thought that says that the false prophet Mohammed - as well as being nearly as obnoxious a character as Caliph Piggy - was in fact a one-eyed cyclops. We could not possibly comment.

Could this really be Mohammed?

Oh, and late news has come in that President Obama has left the golf course and is sorting out the situation. Contrary to what some people say, we do not believe that Obama is himself a Muslim - this would be incompatible with his own sincere self-worship. No, for him it is a matter of complete indifference whether the Muslims massacre the Christians, or not.

A Nobel Peace-Prize Winner at peace with the world.