Brilliant detective work has at least revealed that Brother Eccles is a master of sockpuppetry. In addition to running 500 Twitter accounts - his ambition is to run the whole of Twitter single-handed - he also manages to write 200
different blogs on (mostly) religious subjects.
A Vatican-approved guide to puppetry.
Here are examples of some of the blogs that Eccles maintains. You will notice that they all have
exactly the same style.
The Eccles Catholic donkey blog.
Today I took Vincent, the most troublesome of my 24 donkeys, on a walk to the Bar Moli in Finestrat, where
we shared a bottle of gin to celebrate the feast of St Jude.
Unfortunately, he was unable to walk home again, so I had to carry him
back. Then when we got home, he logged onto Twitter and started insulting random people. I should never have
given him his own computer.
The Eccles paranoid Chaplain blog.
What people don't realise is that deacons are priests. So priests should stop
feeling superior to us.
You wouldn't let me into your
Superior Clergy Club, would you? Even though I made myself a biretta.
What's more I don't want to hear anything from
mothers who stay at home with babies. I'm a mother too, you know. Well, a father. And I stay at home all
weekend. Except when I go out. I hate you all, especially the puppetmaster Eccles.
St Joan Blogger.
Hello, everyone, this is Auntie Joan, the writer, biographer, historian, poet, humourist, Olympic cyclist,
brain surgeon and Renaissance woman. Auntie has had a very exciting week, as Pope Francis phoned her
up to ask if she had any advice to give him on how to write encyclicals. Auntie told him,
"Write everything in the third person, as it produces a vibrant prose style." Auntie is taking part
in a discussion with Pope Francis on Vatican Radio soon, and she will make every effort to
prevent the Holy Father from
saying anything embarrassing - that should be easy, because he probably won't be able to
get a word in edgeways!
The Eccles "Holy Smoke" blog.
Maria João Pires - found herself playing Mozart's 4th horn concerto.
Take a look at this ancient video that someone sent me. It shows the pianist Maria João Pires in
a terrible dilemma. She was expecting to play a Mozart Piano Concerto with the Amsterdam Concertgebouw,
but when the orchestra started, she found that they were playing his 4th Horn Concerto. Resourceful to the last,
she grabbed a French horn from a member of the orchestra, and gallantly blew her way through the concerto.
Said the orchestra member, a Mr Flanders, "I've lost that horn - I know I was using it yesterday.
I've lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn ... gorn."
The same thing happens to me sometimes. I have prepared an in-depth article on custard for the Telegraph,
when the editor comes to my desk and says, "Damian! It's Catholicism this week." Being an experienced
journalist, I take out my blue pencil, change all the references to custard, add something about the
impending murder of the Nuncio, and - voilà! - in 5 minutes I have the piece that I was asked for.
The Protect-the-Eccles Pope blog.
The Tablet ludicrously misreports
Bishop Conry's meeting with ACTA to discuss their recommendation of abortion as a human right,
in an attempt to ban the Bible in all English dioceses, while
Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor's refusal to attend a SHAG week in Rome sends out mixed signals to Enda Kenny,
according to the BBC.
Protect-the-Eccles Comment: Phew! This one's too much for me.
The Hermit of Cottingley blog.
The autumn colloquium of the British Province of the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy was very well attended, but
some delegates found that it was disruptive to hear cries of "Let me in, I'm a deacon!" outside the
window, as we sang Gregorian chants in the bar at night.
From now on, the Confraternity has agreed to admit deacons as well, except for ones who are
See? All these well-regarded blogs were really by Eccles, all along.