As reported by journalists from the Bitter Pillar (formerly the Tablet), data from the popular social networking Latindr app, used by people of a certain inclination who want to get together for a bit of TLM (nudge, nudge), has been used to trap priests and bishops in compromising situations.
As a bonus, we have the results of this week's Eccles "horror art" competition. The theme was "families" and
competitors were to imagine a dysfunctional family where the parents had three eyes between them, wicked Uncle Arthur was
an alcoholic who liked to surround himself with Yorkshire puddings, and the ghosts of the dead grandparents looked on in dismay.
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Friday, 30 July 2021
Friday, 23 July 2021
Continued from Chapter 17 1. After the departure of Matthew of Hanoch, Bosis gave his servant Sajidiah the task of healing all the sick in the land of Bri-tain. 2. And Sajidiah continued with Matthew's plan, and announced that there would be a day called Free Dom. 3. For this was to celebrate the freeing of Dominus Vobis Cummings, formerly a trusted adviser to Bo-sis, who had been imprisoned in the castles of Barnard after losing the favour of Bosis. 4. So Dominus was released, and he devoted his life to explaining how all those who had ever worked for Bosis were untrustorthy and dishonest. Except himself. Continued in Chapter 19.
Wednesday, 21 July 2021
The good kind people of The Pillar have reported on misconduct by Mgr Jeffrey Burrill, former general secretary of the U.S. bishops' conference, which was identified by Grindr data correlated to his mobile phone showing that he had visited various unsavoury places (and I am not referring to Cardinal Coccopalmerio's parties). Our own hackers have constructed some data tracking the movements of a certain Jesuit priest. This has been forwarded to Pope Francis, who will take action some day, no doubt. Meanwhile, here is what we produced.
Sunday, 18 July 2021
How will Pope Francis be remembered? Well, he's still chugging along on half a colon, and may have more plans up his sleeve, but it's time to take stock of the "Pope of Surprises". Here are a few entrants for the forthcoming World Cup (to be conducted using Twitter polls), and further nominations are requested.
- Franciscan friars of the Immaculate
- Order of Malta
- Amoris Laetitia
- Response to the Dubia
- Pachamama worship
- Slapping of a lady pilgrim
- The church in China
- Appointment of Cupich, Farrell, Tobin etc.
- The Scalfari interviews
- Imaginative ex-aeroplana teaching
- Encouragement of Emma Bonino
- Encouragement of James Martin
- Management of Vatican finances
- Finance of Rocketman
- Reception of Cardinal Zen
- Traditionis Custodes
- Pope Francis book of insults
- Vatican Christmas scenes
Saturday, 17 July 2021
The surgeons who removed Pope Francis's semi-colon this week have now admitted that they removed the wrong organ. "We see now that we should have removed his spleen, and probably also the gall bladder in which he stores up all his bile," they said.* *The board at the foot of the papal hospital bed said "pain in the backside", but this was not a medical diagnosis. As Evelyn Waugh would have put it: A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Francis that was not malignant and remove it. Traditionis Custodes" (an anagram of "Ass! Idiot! Destruction!" but that is probably just a coincidence). Subtitled "Why Benedict is wrong and I am right", the papal scribbles begin with the phrase Guardians of the tradition, the bishops in communion with the Bishop of Rome, showing that the pope could have had a successful career as a comedian if he had wished.
1. What is he doing? 2. Why is he doing it? 3. Will he get away with it?
1. Blame the traditional Mass for causing a schism. 2. Cause a schism by banning it.writings of the Prophet Eccles.
Saturday, 10 July 2021
The Vatican II jab, introduced in the 1960s as a way of countering the widespread TLM Cathovirus, has long been regarded with suspicion; indeed in 2007 President Benedict prescribed a dose of Summorum Pontificum instead, suggesting to the general public that the TLM was really nothing to worry about, and "Vatican II" passports would not be necessary for travel to distant places such as Heaven.
An inclination to grope people in Church as a "Sign of Peace"; Singing bad hymns; Female altar-servers.
Liturgical dancing; Clowns and puppets; Blessing homosexual unions (the German variant).Fatal side-effects (very rare).
Idol worship, also known as Pachamamitis.
Tuesday, 6 July 2021
Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).
i. Do you accept cookies? ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted? iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App? iv. Can we come round to your house for tea? v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)? vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee? vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest. 2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle. 3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right? 4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.