This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Friday, 30 July 2021

Latindr App used to catch priests in compromising situations

As reported by journalists from the Bitter Pillar (formerly the Tablet), data from the popular social networking Latindr app, used by people of a certain inclination who want to get together for a bit of TLM (nudge, nudge), has been used to trap priests and bishops in compromising situations.

Latindr

Not suitable for Catholics.

As many commentators have pointed out, Pope Francis's attempt to restrict the traditional Mass is not simply a change in forms of worship, but a piece of deep moral teaching, on a par with the edict that homosexual priests should keep their trousers on (except possibly if they are Jesuits). All right, it contradicts all the ideas of previous popes, but then so does practically everything that oozes from the papal pen.

So the big moral debate this week was: which is worse, using Latindr to get together with like-minded Catholics, or getting hold of such personal data and "outing" rogue clergy? Well, we on this blog are in no doubt. These nasty wicked people should be exposed for what they are, even if it involves tracking their movements.

TLM

GOTCHA!

The Latin Given By Tradition (LGBT) movement is very powerful these days, and even non-LGBT commentators were shocked to see Pope Francis's Romaphobic condemnation of the practice. But hacking into Latindr may be the best way to purify the Church.


As a bonus, we have the results of this week's Eccles "horror art" competition. The theme was "families" and competitors were to imagine a dysfunctional family where the parents had three eyes between them, wicked Uncle Arthur was an alcoholic who liked to surround himself with Yorkshire puddings, and the ghosts of the dead grandparents looked on in dismay.

rotten picture

The winning entrant from Marko Ivan Rupnik (age 6).


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Catholic captcha

Friday, 23 July 2021

The Book of Covidicus 18: Free Dom Day

Continued from Chapter 17

1. After the departure of Matthew of Hanoch, Bosis gave his servant Sajidiah the task of healing all the sick in the land of Bri-tain.

2. And Sajidiah continued with Matthew's plan, and announced that there would be a day called Free Dom.

3. For this was to celebrate the freeing of Dominus Vobis Cummings, formerly a trusted adviser to Bo-sis, who had been imprisoned in the castles of Barnard after losing the favour of Bosis.

4. So Dominus was released, and he devoted his life to explaining how all those who had ever worked for Bosis were untrustorthy and dishonest. Except himself.

Boris and Cummings

Dominus buildeth a Bosis golem, but cannot control it.

5. Meanwhile, Bosis had come up with a cunning scheme for stopping the plague from spreading.

6. Everyone was asked to carry around a small box, called Phone, which would go PING! if they had ever been near another person who had the plague.

7. Or, in fact, near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person who had been near a person whose box had gone PING!

8. Such people were outcasts and told that they had the symptoms of the plague, even if they were totally healthy.

Boris goes ping

Bosis's Phone speaketh to him.

9. And Bosis spake out saying "That way PING! we shall know PING! who is to be PING! locked up until their PING! ping stoppeth. But not me of course."

10. But the people were very angry and cried with one voice "PING! Bosis too must be locked PING! up." And it was so.

Big Ben ping

Benjamin the Great hath been near to a plague victim.

11. Now, after the Free Dom day, many new rights were given to the people.

12. They need not wear masks on omnibuses, in the markets, nor when eating or consuming drink. Unless they were told to.

13. Finally, Bosis recalled his solemn promise that, although he wanted everyone to take the great vixen that cureth all ills, he would permit those who did not wish it to refuse it.

masked priest with water pistol

A priest blesseth his flock.

14. So he decided that all men should receive Vixen Passports, without which they could not buy food or clothing, attend the theatres, or worship in the temples.

15. "Thus I have PING! kept my promise," said he. "Now, how do I PING! silence my Phone?"

Continued in Chapter 19.

Wednesday, 21 July 2021

Priest discovered in compromising locations

The good kind people of The Pillar have reported on misconduct by Mgr Jeffrey Burrill, former general secretary of the U.S. bishops' conference, which was identified by Grindr data correlated to his mobile phone showing that he had visited various unsavoury places (and I am not referring to Cardinal Coccopalmerio's parties).

Our own hackers have constructed some data tracking the movements of a certain Jesuit priest. This has been forwarded to Pope Francis, who will take action some day, no doubt. Meanwhile, here is what we produced.

Silly map

Map of Fr Anon's movements (click to enlarge).

Sunday, 18 July 2021

The World Cup of Francis achievements

How will Pope Francis be remembered? Well, he's still chugging along on half a colon, and may have more plans up his sleeve, but it's time to take stock of the "Pope of Surprises". Here are a few entrants for the forthcoming World Cup (to be conducted using Twitter polls), and further nominations are requested.

Rome poster

My Italian is weak, but I am told that this is the pope's favourite portrait..
  • Franciscan friars of the Immaculate
  • Order of Malta
  • Amoris Laetitia
  • Response to the Dubia
  • Pachamama worship
  • Slapping of a lady pilgrim
  • The church in China
  • Appointment of Cupich, Farrell, Tobin etc.
  • The Scalfari interviews
  • Imaginative ex-aeroplana teaching
  • Encouragement of Emma Bonino
  • Encouragement of James Martin
  • Management of Vatican finances
  • Finance of Rocketman
  • Reception of Cardinal Zen
  • Traditionis Custodes
  • Pope Francis book of insults
  • Vatican Christmas scenes
Pope and Spock

"Live long and prosper, dear Tridentine Mass enthusiasts," says the Pope.

To nominate further achievements (and be as polite as I am, for I have not said anything either for or against these remarkable accomplishments), please reply to this post or else reply to the corresponding Tweet. We'll start when I am ready.

Saturday, 17 July 2021

Pope's doctors admit "we should have removed the spleen."

The surgeons who removed Pope Francis's semi-colon this week have now admitted that they removed the wrong organ. "We see now that we should have removed his spleen, and probably also the gall bladder in which he stores up all his bile," they said.*

*The board at the foot of the papal hospital bed said "pain in the backside", but this was not a medical diagnosis.

As Evelyn Waugh would have put it: A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Francis that was not malignant and remove it.

The pope's behaviour has been increasingly bizarre in recent weeks.

Francis has returned from hospital full of venom and bitterness, and it took him just two days to issue a new Motu Proprio "Traditionis Custodes" (an anagram of "Ass! Idiot! Destruction!" but that is probably just a coincidence). Subtitled "Why Benedict is wrong and I am right", the papal scribbles begin with the phrase Guardians of the tradition, the bishops in communion with the Bishop of Rome, showing that the pope could have had a successful career as a comedian if he had wished.

"Nobody's ever called me a guardian of tradition before!"

So, apart from the obvious question "Quis custodiet ipsos traditionis custodes?" we serious Catholic commentators need to ask some fundamental questions:
1. What is he doing?
2. Why is he doing it?
3. Will he get away with it?

Two popes doing what they do best.

Now the pope's reasoning behind the repeal of Summorum Pontificum without even waiting for Benedict to die may be seen as just another case of loutish bad manners (like refusing to answer the Dubia, slapping pilgrims, snubbing Cardinal Zen, etc.) but in fact it is dealing with one of the worst crises in the church: the popularity of the traditional Mass.

I'm sure that these things are randomly chosen.

After all, there can be nothing more serious! Child abuse, idol-worship, the persecution of the Church in China, Fr James Martin's sodoministry, Devout Catholic Biden's abortion mania, the widespread embezzlement of Vatican finances, the squandering of Peter's Pence on dirty films, heretical papal documents, ... all these are trivialities compared with the use of the same Mass as our grandparents used before Vatican II.*

*Did you genuflect when Vatican II was mentioned? I did. Fun, wasn't it?**

**Remember that Vatican II changed nothing at all. Which is why everything has changed.

The cunning plan:
1. Blame the traditional Mass for causing a schism.
2. Cause a schism by banning it.

"All right, lads. You know where he lives. You know what you have to do.

Priests: if you wish to celebrate a Mass in the Extraordinary Form, it is very simple now: all you need is for your bishop to ask the Pater Sanctus for a signed letter giving permission (one for every time you wish to celebrate). Pope Francis is very good at answering letters (ask Burke, Brandmüller, etc.) and will gladly take time off from his Pachamama devotions to scribble you a note.

Curiously, some bishops are actually giving Pope Francis (and his evil side-kick the sinister Dr Rauci) a shock, by saying that they will continue to allow Latin Masses as before. Some really are "Traditionis Custodes" after all. Amazing!

"Muscles" Barron prepares to celebrate the Extraordinary Form.

Incidentally, all this was foreseen two months ago in the writings of the Prophet Eccles.

Saturday, 10 July 2021

Worries grow over side-effects of Vaticanation

The Vatican II jab, introduced in the 1960s as a way of countering the widespread TLM Cathovirus, has long been regarded with suspicion; indeed in 2007 President Benedict prescribed a dose of Summorum Pontificum instead, suggesting to the general public that the TLM was really nothing to worry about, and "Vatican II" passports would not be necessary for travel to distant places such as Heaven.

vaccination

President Francis gets his booster Vatican II jab.

The current President, Francis, is less enthusiastic, relying largely on advice from Dr Arthur Rauci, his chief scientist; indeed there are rumours to the effect that Summorum Pontificum will soon be put on the "forbidden" list.

Still, the Vatican II jab can have serious consequences, especially in its "Spirit of Vatican II" form, and as a public service we are now providing a listing of some of the side-effects suffered by recipients of the injection.

Common side-effects.
An inclination to grope people in Church as a "Sign of Peace";
Singing bad hymns;
Female altar-servers.
lanyards

Protective lanyards for use in Mass.

Rare but more serious side-effects.

Liturgical dancing;
Clowns and puppets;
Blessing homosexual unions (the German variant).

Fatal side-effects (very rare).
Idol worship, also known as Pachamamitis.
Pope Francis and Arthur Roche

"I believe that masks will protect us from the Latin Mass" says Dr Arthur Rauci.

This has been a public service announcement.

Tuesday, 6 July 2021

How to be a Catholic blogger

Since the only spiritually nourishing item of news this week is the de-colonization of the Pope, it seemed like a good idea to write about something else. Following the lead of Mundabor, I will give readers the benefit of my ten years' experience (we started here in June 2011 and are expecting some readers to turn up any time now).

Polly the penguin

Polly the nun, first seen here in 2011.

1. Make money out of it. There is nothing a reader likes more when he clicks on a blog than being asked the following:
i. Do you accept cookies?
ii. Would you like notifications every time more rubbish is posted?
iii. Would you like to install the Ecclesblog App?
iv. Can we come round to your house for tea?
v. How much can you donate ($1,000,000 would be reasonable)?
vi. Would you like to buy some "Saved Eccles" coffee?
vii. Oh, you came here to read the blog? Weird!
As Dr Johnson said "No man but a blockhead ever wrote except for money." Well he was obviously wrong, as I'm not a blockhead am I? I'm not. Honest.

2. Make it all about you. Obviously a Catholic blogger may occasionally say something religious - about as often as the Pope's Twitter account does - but people are really here to know about the exciting life you lead. If you have four pet hippopotamuses, write about them ad nauseam - indeed you could even put up a guest post from Batmanghelidjh (the fat one) in which she describes how wallowing in mud enriches her spiritual life. Or if you did a pilgrimage to Lourdes (the supermarket down the road), then tell people about your struggles in the low-carbon toilet paper aisle.

3. No rude jokes. If the Pope is in hospital, don't say "He has a pain in the backside" accompanied by a picture of Austen Ivereigh. Still less with a picture of James Martin, as that could have a totally misleading interpretation. Just back off, right?

4. Don't be scared to recycle old jokes. I must have used that "Rhino Marx" joke at least half a dozen times. I vow never to do so again. Oh all right, once more for luck.

Rhino Marx

An old joke.

5. Don't use your real name when posting. Mundabor had that advice too. You use your own name to post something totally innocuous such as "2+2=4" or "Men have XY chromosomes" and the public will beat a path to your door, up the stairs, and into your bedroom, where you're peacefully lying in bed thinking of new insults for Cardinal Becciu. Luckily nobody knows that I am actually an eminent cardinal from Guinea!

6. If you can't think of anything to write, run a poll. Thanks to me the world now knows that the worst hymn ever written is "Lord of the Dance", that the worst Cardinal is Cupich (until the next poll, which is not far away), and the ugliest church is St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan. So you know what to avoid.

ugly church

"We're please to welcome Cardinal Cupich today. And now, Hymn number 666, 'Lord of the Dance'."

7. Post when you feel like it. Professional Catholics have to produce posts, scoops, Youtube stuff, podcasts, interpretative dance videos, etc. etc. on a regular basis. Darn it, even bishops feel they have to produce pastoral letters when all they can think to talk about is carbon footprints and "build back better". Can't they just say "You're all DOOOMED!" and leave it at that?

So, only post when you have something brilliantly incisive and witty to say. Like I do.

Eccles (Nobel Prize for humility).