This is me, Eccles
Saturday, 30 October 2021
Rome, AD 66 (approx.) St Luke, Reporter for EWTN, writes: 1. O Theophilus, it is indeed wearisome to write my words in numbered verses, but as you know, all writers of this day and age are doing so, and I shall not rebel. 2. It came to pass that Pope Peter and the Emperor Nero met in Rome, and spent five and seventy minutes together. Nero dozed for sixty minutes, and they spake for fifteen.
Wednesday, 27 October 2021
As I walked through the wilderness of this world, I lighted on a certain place where was a den, and laid me down in that place to sleep; and as I slept, I dreamed a dream. I dreamed...* It was two weeks after the departure of Pope Francis from the chair of St Peter. In my dream it was not clear to me whether he had died, resigned, been carried off to the funny farm, or been arrested by the Swiss Guard. In any case, a conclave had been held and Cardinal Sarah was quickly elected Pope. Nobody wanted a Francis II, and even the Cupiches and Marxes realised that they could not get away with it.
Sunday, 24 October 2021
It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold. Crime scene, as seen on television. Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies. "Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks." Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.
with her head on the head.
She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful),
bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT.
We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.
Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with
you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!
Friday, 22 October 2021
Usually in games of cowboys and Indians we take the side of the cowboys, but today we're changing sides and supporting the Indians. Archbishop Charles Chaput, whose Potawatomi name is "the wind that rustles the leaves of the tree" has dealt a mortal blow to Austen, the Lone Whinger, and his sidekick Massimo. brilliant showdown the big chief has rushed to the defence of the fair maid Ewtn, daughter of Mother Angelica, who was under siege from a gang of misguided cowboys. Ewtn's supporters fought back with bows and arroyos, but a massacre looked likely, especially when Wild Joe Bergoglio and Jessie James Martin waded into the battle, guns blazing. The Lone Whinger is said to be very upset - as well he should be - since Big Chief Chaput endorsed his first book Wild Joe Bergoglio, the fastest gun in the West while also describing it as "grandiosely titled and with a light seasoning of snark". (Austen was having an off day and ran out of snark.) Apparently, it's his best book, as well.
Thursday, 21 October 2021
Today has seen great rejoicing in the Catholic Church worldwide, as we remember the second anniversary of the drowning of the heathen idol Pachamama in the Tiber.
1805 2019 when it became clear that Christian civilization was being menaced
by the godless forces of the Francis Revolution and that a major battle was inevitable. So Admiral Lord
Tschugguel sailed his fleet to
Santa Maria in Traspontina, overcame the army of Pachamama under Admiral "le nain" Ivereigh,
captured their primitive idols, and sank them.
From then onwards Emperor Napoglio struggled to control his church, although he made valiant attempts to
dominate the world
with tyrannical decrees such as Tradition est Coupée and a plague of demented synods. He frequently employed the
motto "L'église, c'est moi!" but his days were numbered, although it took ten long years of strife before he met his Waterloo.
After one last battle, Napoglio was finally deposed and exiled to St Helena. The monarchy was restored in the form of Le Roi Sarah.
Sunday, 17 October 2021
Tuesday, 12 October 2021
All throughout history momentous decisions have been made by means of synods (and sometimes by synods about synods). We have already seen that the very first synod involved Adam, Eve and the Serpent, and that by a process of discernment it was agreed that the divine commandment ("do not eat the fruit of this tree") did not always apply, and that doctrine might evolve. By a process of discernment one might come to the conclusion that God had really meant "tuck in!" So, twenty years later there was a second synod. Eden II, some called it, although it was held slightly outside the garden where Eden I had taken place. Mr Genesis taketh up the story.
Sunday, 10 October 2021
Yes, it's another one in our series "How to be a good pope", containing top tips for those readers who may end up with the big job without having a clue how to do it. There are no training courses available, not even Youtube videos, so future popes tend to come here for advice. As a pope you will naturally receive visitors wishing to benefit from your wisdom, to give you a piece of their mind, or simply to get a bit of free publicity (thinking of you, Austen, Greta, Fr Jimbo...) Let's have a few case studies. Wikipedia, the gentleman above is called a Dubia Roach. The name may remind you that there's a great fan of yours at the Congregation for Divine Worship who is looking for a red hat in an extra large fitting. Indeed, he recently said "the post-Vatican II missal of Paul VI is the 'richest' the Church has ever produced." Come on, invite him round for tea (order lots of cinnabons) and give him what he wants!
Friday, 8 October 2021
The Climate ChangeTM world is reeling in horror today with the news that Pope Francis will not be attending November's prestigious COP26 conference in Glasgow. In his place, he will be sending Vice-Pope Parolin, with various useful bits of advice such as "A Glasgow kiss is a head-butt, Pietro, so don't ask for one in Mass just before the Agnus Dei" and "Deep-fried Mars Bars are so disgusting that only Cardinal Dolan will eat them." Naturally, there has been speculation about the Pope's reasons for crying off. Was it when he heard that Climate ChangeTM had not actually reached Glasgow and the weather in November will be (in the local vernacular) "cald enow ta freeze the haggis off a poop, ya ken"?