Why JAMES J MARTIN, SJ is the Beast of the Apocalypse

As Revelation 13:18 records:

Here is wisdom. He that hath understanding, let him count the number of the beast. For it is the number of a man: and the number of him is six hundred sixty-six.

Many attempts have been made to identify the beast. Could St John have meant Nero? Or was it a prediction of Napoleon? Or Hitler? Now, at last I have found the answer.

Eccles's assistant help with the hard sums.

One of the standard codings of the alphabet is the following:

A=1, B=2, C=3, ..., I=9,
J=10, K=20, L=30, ..., R=90,
S=100, T=200, U=300, ..., Z=800.

So we tried putting in various names such as FATHER (310), JAMES (156), MARTIN (390), LGBT (239), JESUIT (624), but nothing seemd to work. But then, Divine Inspiration! Fr James Martin actually has a middle initial, as is documented in several places, and it is J! (Nobody seems to know what it stands for, but my guess is Judas.)

Thus we have:

JAMES J MARTIN SJ = 156 + 10 + 390 + 110 = 666.

Well, who else could it be? When the man isn't promoting his "Mary Magdalene was the Church" heresy, or attacking traditional worship, he decides to get people talking about him by tweeting stuff like this:

About homosexuality (inevitably). Heretical views (inevitably).

I suspect that James J. Martin SJ has known about the apocalyptic interpretation of his name for some time - why else would he stop using the second initial?

So where do we go from there? Do we get an interview, with, say Steve Colbert?

Colbert: Jim, I understand that, in addition to being a best-selling author, fashion expert, and part-time priest, you are also the Beast of the Apocalypse?

Martin: Heh heh heh, yes, that's right. From now on I'm going to put "BOTA" as well as "SJ" and "LGBT" after my name when I sell myself for speeches, fashion shows, gay pride marches etc.

Colbert: Jim, you're the sort of Catholic I can really go with!

Apparently he's very fond of country music too.

Peter's Pence or the Mark of Kaine?

Many of my American readers have asked me, "Eccles, how would a saved person vote in the forthcoming American presidential election?" Apparently, the democratic process has produced a choice between a Republican regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as a completely mad egomaniac, and a Democrat regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as evil incarnate, whose actions and beliefs would even embarrass Lucifer. So you lose either way.

Two political leaders discuss foreign affairs.

Well, good luck, Americans, in finding someone to vote for. I suggest a write-in vote for the world's greatest American, Cardinal Dolan Burke.

So let's assume that Trump chokes on his wig, or that Hillary is escorted down to Hell by a demon. Time for the vice-president to take over! And now nothing can go wrong, as both Mike Pence and Tim Kaine are Catholics. Sort of...

Mike Pence is a born-again evangelical Catholic. Now don't worry if you don't know what these are, as Uncle Mike doesn't really know either. As far as we can ascertain they are Anglo-Lutheran Catholics with a dash of Aztec. It was so much simpler when Mr Pence was a simple (Roman) Catholic. At least he seems to be against abortion and same-sex "marriage", almost as if he were a member of a Church for grown-ups.

Actually, I think these are the Westboro Baptists. Sorry.

Which brings us to Tim Kaine. A "Catholic" educated by Jesuits; so obviously the usual suspects - James Martin SJ and Thomas Reese SJ - are delighted. He's Catholic, but not TOO Catholic, right? He reckons Jesus got it wrong on same-sex marriage. He is backed by Planned Parenthood, the place you go to whenever you need a freshly-killed baby. There's no danger that anyone is ever going to persecute him for his beliefs!

Probably a forgery.

Welcome to Tablet blogs!

Many of us remember the Telegraph blogs, in the days when they were run by Damian Thompson, the blood-crazed ferret and expert on catholicism, Chopin, cup-cakes and custard.

Lest we forget: Damian Thompson at the National Custard Museum.

Damian persuaded the great and good (and Mary Riddell) to write for him: Norman Tebbit, James Delingpole, Stephen Hough, James MacMillan, ... Even Cormac Murphy-O'Connor took an interest (but failed to shut the whole thing down). These days, with Damian gone, there is nothing left to see: in the last ten days we have had pieces from Hannan (politics), Wedderburn (health and lifestyle), Potts (health and lifestyle), Hannan and Hannan. And that's it: Spam, Egg, Sausage, Spam and Spam. Why, you see more activity on this lovely blog!

Herman Van Rompuy shows what he thinks of Daniel Hannan.

So, over to the Tablet, where the blogs are alive and well. People who hate Catholicism need not fear - you're in good company! Look at some of the highlights from the last week!

Tony Flannery.

I refuse to be silenced. The Pope would like nothing better than to tie me to a chair and stuff a gag in my mouth. But I won't have it! I have just had a great time in the States, talking to anti-Catholic organizations, and preparing for the time when I shall march into the Vatican and demand justice. I spoke at the Call to Action conference, and gave them tips on how to avoid excommunication while still denying Catholic teaching on women priests, contraception, homosexuality, etc. I also met some Westboro Baptists, who welcomed me by holding me upside-down above the toilet bowl, saying "You may be a bit too friendly with faggots, Tone, but we are proud to recognise someone who hates Catholics almost as much as we do!" Praise indeed, and a sign that I've got Pope Benedict on the run!

"If you're in a hole, keep digging!" says Tony Flannery.

Tina Beattie.

The Pope! Arentchasickovim? He went to the EU Parliament, and what did he tell them? He hates grandmothers! Well, we can see what that means, can't we? He won't be ordaining any grandmothers in the near future, in line with the sexist, misogynist Catholic tradition that goes back all the way to, er, ... Jesus Christ! Let me tell him that in my daily life I meet many grandmothers and grandfathers, and it's the grandfathers that are the useless ones - they sit in a chair all day long, drinking beer and watching television, just as Jesus did, while the grandmothers do the shopping, the cleaning, and the washing, and they bring in the coal; then they stay up all night writing theological tracts (just like Martha). Phooey! If I were not a distinguished professor of Catholic Flourishing (memo: check exact title), I would quit and become a Pagan!

Pope Francis shows his utter contempt for a grandmother.

Una Kroll.

As a former Anglican vicar, and now a Catholic layperson, I want the Catholic Church to be more like the Anglican one: it was a big mistake when some pope decided to break away from the Anglicans in the 16th century. So I want to see Catholic women ordained bishops - never mind what the men at the top of the Church think. Also, we need to change Catholic teaching, and drop patriarchal concepts such as faith, hope and charity. We need to use more buzzwords, such as equality, cultural diversity, gender awareness, sustainability, organic unity, low-fat, gluten-free, climate change, recycled, cis and trans, and empowerment! Empowerment for me, that is, and not for some silly men in Rome! I may be 102, but it's not too late for me to take power! Mwahahahaha!

"The power of Kroll" (Dr Who, 1978). The men stare at Una in amazement.

Westboro Baptist Church Ecumenical Events

My fellow saved Baptists,

This week sees a truly solemn occasion, the funeral of the actor Robin Williams. In a spirit of ecumenism we shall be sending representatives along to the event, with a message of condolence: "Burn in Hell you rotten faggot". As you may know, our researches have shown that Mr Williams led a double life as a homosexual club-owner, until he was exposed in a film called The Birdcage. Our investigations have also shown that he used to infiltrate himself into people's houses as a transvestite housekeeper - an activity specifically forbidden in the book of Leviticus.

Hell has a special circle for transvestite housekeepers.

Looking further ahead, we are starting to think of Christmas. Yes, it's the Panto season, and this year the Khilafa Players have promised us a real treat - Aladdin and his Magic Lamp! We shall be sending a party along to the first night at the Alhambra Theatre, and we're all looking forward to seeing Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in the role of Widow Twanky. When he comes on we shall arise as one - though there may be as many as two of us - and burn down the theatre, for GOD HATES PANTOMIME DAMES. They stimulate unnatural carnal desires, don't they? Well, they did in Pastor Fred Phelps, bless his memory.

A source of unnatural carnal desires.

Finally, we are already making plans for next Lent, when the Westboro Episcopalian Church, St Thomas Cromwell's, will be putting on a passion play. This is going to portray several EVIL characters, and so we shall be involved in the production in a generally offensive capacity. For example, JUDAS - although non-Baptists love him - was a ROTTEN SKUNK, so any actor who attempts to portray him on stage had better watch out. Worse than Judas was PETER - who some say was the first pope, i.e., a CATHOLIC, i.e., worse even than FAGS! When Peter comes on he'd better watch out for hisses, boos, and a shower of rotten tomatoes!

Actually, there's nobody here that we Westboro Baptists can approve of!

Death to the infidel! And that means anyone who wasn't in church this morning!

Jim Phelps (Pastor),
The Impossible Mission,
Westboro.

Church posters found offensive

It is reported that in Attleborough, Norfolk, the police have been called in because a lad named Robert Gladwin was offended by a poster outside a Baptist church. (So it's "Police launch probe into church sign.") What's more the cops even took the complaint seriously.

The offending sign.

One of the stars of the Norfolk Constabulary, P.C. Wurzel ("Wurzel of the Yard - well, Field") commented. "Mr Gladwin was naturally traumatised to discover, at the ripe old age of 20, that Christianity isn't just touchy-feely stuff, but there are such things as Heaven and Hell. He was away the day they did Religion at school."

Offensively corny. But we can't touch you for that.

Those who know about these things say that the vicious Christianity of the Attleboro' Baptist Church makes the Westboro version look like fluffy bunnies. Although the offending poster has now been removed, there may be further trouble with a replacement that has been proposed.

Robert Gladwin poses in front of the new poster.

Norfolk is generally a peaceful part of the country, with little serious crime (Wurzel of the Field usually doesn't get to deal with offences more serious than farmers rotating their crops without a licence), and this hideous Christian hate-crime has shocked the entire town of Attleborough.

It should also be pointed out, for those who missed our earlier post, that Salvation is now a human right, and so Pastor Rose's poster was effectively denying the human rights of atheists who really don't care about religion, good or evil, but nonetheless have the same post-death benefit entitlement as anyone else.

More filth!

Probably the best solution is for Pastor Rose to stick a sign up outside his church saying "ARE YOU A THICK OAF WITH BIG FEET? BECOME A NORFOLK COPPER!"

Forget Attleborough: to be saved, go one station to the west.