This is the spiritual journey of me, Eccles, my big brother Bosco, and my Grate-Anti Moly. Eccles is saved, but we've got real problems with Bosco and Anti.
This is me, Eccles
Thursday 24 February 2022
Fr Thomas Reese SJ decides to forgive God
As "inspired" by this.
I forgive God. I hope others can too.
By Fr Thomas Reese LGBTSJ.
I see God as a holy but flawed individual who did the best He was capable of.
I first met God in 1994 when I had been a Jesuit priest for 20 years. We Jesuits are well-known for our many achievements in the realms of science,
but it is only rarely that we turn our attention to religion. For example, there are the medieval scientists Jacobus Martinus, who was the first person to build a rainbow bridge;
Jorgeus Bergoglius, the engineer who worked on rigidity; and Arturus Sosus, who invented the tape-recorder. So it was quite a surprise for
me when I first learnt that it was possible to be a Jesuit and also to believe in God.
At the end of my first prayer, I asked for God's blessing — because I sensed I was in the presence of a divine being.
But I also knew I was in the presence of a creator who, as Judge Eternal, had done irreparable harm to the church.
There were scores of theologians, professors and priests who had been led to believe that they had sinned in some way,
generally by disobeying Divine Commandments.
Controversial propaganda, used to attack my friends.
God's problem was that He treated theologians as if they were graduate students who needed correction and guidance.
As a result, my last question to the Lord was, "Do you ever worry that you may be judging too much?"
He laughed and responded, "What a silly little man you are."
My own difficulties with God began shortly after I became editor of America Magazine, a journal of
propaganda
published by U.S. Jesuits. I wanted to make America a journal of criticism, explaining where God was wrong, and why the Bible
should be rejected.
For years we had to contend with adverse reactions from God. Not just lightning strikes on the office of America, a voice thundering REPENT!
down the chimney, plagues of boils and frogs,
but even criticisms from self-styled authorities such as Pope Benedict.
The America offices.
I tried to make America the top journal of dissent, inviting moderate Catholics such as Cardinal Kasper to tell us where the Church
had gone wrong, and even asking Cardinal Burke along so that other contributors could mock him point out where he was wrong.
However, it was clear that God was unhappy with the magazine, and it was time to go. Later, the election of
that chap from the St Gallen Mafia lifted my spirits a little, as I realised that I was not God's only critic.
God has not asked for my forgiveness. He probably still believes that what He did to me and to numerous theologians was the right thing for the Church, but I still want to forgive Him.
In short, I see God as holy but flawed. He did the best He was capable of. For all of us, that is the best we can say. In the end, finally, only WE can judge.
Saturday 19 February 2022
AI takes over the Catholic blogosphere
Paying people to write spiritually nourishing content is so old-fashioned.
I produce my stuff without being paid, and even the Jesuit America Magazine only pays peanuts - which is
quite appropriate as its writers are an army of monkeys with typewriters.
We have stumbled across an AI program that will do the tedious writing bit for us.
Its address is https://narrative-device.herokuapp.com/createstory in case you want to play with it.
You give it a couple of themes, and it does the rest. Thus: "Pope Francis" and "Pachamama"
gave me this:
Pope Francis was in a good mood as he walked into the Amazon rainforest. He had just finished a speech to the crowd of indigeneous people
who lived there. "Pachamama," he called out to the goddess of the earth, "thank you for the generous gift of this land. I vow to protect it and
to always be grateful for your blessings."
That could be taken straight from Where Peter Is and nobody could tell the difference, especially if
it went on to explain how Pope Francis was totally right.
As an homage to Damian Thompson, let's give it "Arthur Roche" and "ice-skating".
Arthur Roche was an accomplished ice-skater. He had won many awards and was a member
of the best ice skaters in the country. One day, he decided to try out for the national team.
He was nervous but hopeful. He skated his best, and even though he didn't make the team,
he was proud of himself.
This looks like something from the old Telegraph blogs, or possible the Catholic Herald.
Next, what can we say about "Dr Faggioli" and "beans"?
Dr. Faggioli was an odd man. He loved beans. He loved beans so much, in fact, that he would eat them every day, no matter what. Some people found his obsession strange, but Dr. Faggioli couldn't help it. He loved beans.
"Father James Martin" and "bridge" are the heroes of our next piece, which is simply a news item.
Father James Martin, a Jesuit priest, was on a bridge over a river when he saw a man who appeared to be drowning. He jumped into the water and pulled the man to safety.
It may even be true - who knows? Next, a horror story combining "Austen Ivereigh" and "pope".
In an age when the papacy was rocked by scandals and just as the Church was losing its grip on the hearts and minds of its followers, a new pope was elected. His name was Austen Ivereigh, and many people were excited to see what he would do to restore the Church's reputation.
Pope Francis dreams of his successor.
And we'll give "Pope Francis" and "Latin Mass" the final word. Somehow, I think our correspondent has
got his wires crossed:
Pope Francis has called for the return of the Latin Mass, the traditional Catholic Mass which is celebrated in Latin. Many Catholics are excited about this change, believing that the Latin Mass will help them connect more with the Church's history.
Well? You heard it here first.
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Thursday 17 February 2022
Pope Francis goes on the attack
Pope Francis has finally decided to clamp down on undesirable conduct in the Catholic Church.
That's telling them!
When asked to give more details of the sort of bullying he was referring to, the Holy Father mentioned the
case of an unnamed senior archbishop who was trying to stop Catholics from celebrating the traditional Latin Mass.
"The fat pasta-filled buffoon is telling bishops to restrict the TLM and drive it underground," he growled. "I can't
imagine where he got the idea!"
But it is not just bullying that Pope Francis objects to. "I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn that idolatry
has been taking place in Rome itself!" he went on. "Some very foolish people have been worshipping the demon
Pachamama (some even claimed that she was just another manifestation of the Blessed Virgin Mary!) If I find the
people responsible, they'll end up in the Tiber!"
Roundly condemned by Pope Francis.
"I am also disgusted when I hear what is happening in China," he continued. "Some idiot came to an agreement
that the Chinese could appoint their own bishops and persecute Catholic priests. Then when Cardinal
Zen came to discuss the situation, he refused even to see him! What does he think he's playing at?"
"I saw reports that someone had slapped a poor Chinese woman who simply wanted to talk to me! This violence against women must cease!" he thundered.
"All in all, the general administration of the Vatican is a DISGRACE. German synodal paths! Financial scandals! Toleration of
the gay Mafia! Bullying the Order of Malta! It has got to STOP, do you hear?"
"All sorts of undesirables think they can get in to see me!"
But all is not lost. Pope Francis has promised to institute a full enquiry into the shocking state of the
Vatican hierarchy, with a reporting date not later than 2062.
Wednesday 9 February 2022
The World Cup of Instruments in Hell
Or should that be Instruments From Hell? If you go to the "other place", which of
course the highly-saved readers of this blog probably won't, what do you expect to hear?
"Welcome to Hell."
This started off as a battle between accordion-haters and guitar-haters, but it soon became clear
that there were many other instruments that people didn't want to hear. So let's settle it
with a World Cup (then, when we have the 2nd World Cup of Bad Hymns later in the
year, we shall know what instruments to play the winners on).
Scotsmen love this. Others, less so.
Here are the nominations so far (apologies if I missed any). If you have others, then please leave
them in the comments, or as replies to the Twitter tweet advertising this.
Addendum: We now have 32 nominations and will kick off tomorrow.
accordion bagpipes clarinet didgeridoo (electronic) organ (electronic) piano fiddle guitar harpischord kazoo recorder spoons tambourine triangle ukelele vibraphone (also known as vibes, but not the good vibes that Pope Francis wants) vuvuzela washboardWe'll start when we reach 32 (a convenient number), or whenever I think we've got all we're going to get. As recommended by the Spirit of Vatican II.
Addendum: We now have 32 nominations and will kick off tomorrow.
Sunday 6 February 2022
False communications to be rebranded as jokes
In the UK (and probably other countries) legislation is being formulated to
prevent false communications on social media - you know, statements like
"Covid-19 is best treated with a dish of prunes and custard", "Vaccines make children big and strong", "Joe Biden is a Catholic".
These may even be punished by a term in prison.
As it stands, even joking could be punished. No more "While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How it got into my pyjamas I'll never know."
Unless it really happened.
The answer is simple, of course. All false statements are to be rebranded as jokes,
usually introduced with "I say, I say, I say!"
I say, I say, I say, this is a real bishop!
Catholics have seized on this with alacrity. Whenever Pope Francis stands up to speak, there will be a loud chorus of
"I say, I say, I say!" alerting people that a new piece of doctrine joke is expected.
"Dico, dico, dico, no one can exclude themselves from the Church, we are all saved sinners!"
This device will also be useful when we look at statements from the German Synodesynodesynodekartoffelsalatsynodesynode,
their own Synod about Synods about Synods...
"Ich sage, ich sage, ich sage! Let's get the Church to bless homosexual couples!"
So the panic is over. You can what you like, provided that you brand it as a joke. This lets Boris Johnson, Keir Starmer, Nicola Sturgeon, Joe Biden,
Justin Trudeau (fill in your own names here)
off the hook, as nobody will take them seriously.
"I say, I say, I say, horses really appreciate LGBT propaganda!"
Of course everything you see on this blog is simply the complete and unvarnished truth, so we shall not
be using the "I say, I say, I say" formula. Others are not so lucky...
A Morecambe and Wise tribute act: the tall one with glasses and the little one with short fat hairy legs.
Tuesday 1 February 2022
Same-sex couple raises Jesuit chick
Barry and Joe, a male couple from the species Presidens Tyrannicus in Washington Zoo, are currently raising
a Jesuit chick, which the keepers have called "Tommy".
The happy family.
According to current reports, the couple are doing a "great job" in raising Tommy. Since one of them is a Catholic, they
have decided to raise the chick as a Catholic too, which in practice means accepting Joe's moral teaching on abortion, LGBT issues, etc.
For a baby Jesuit this is not expected to be a problem.
When Tommy grows up, it is hoped to place him in a Jesuit colony, where he can meet creatures of his own kind such as Martinus Hereticus.
We attempted to interview Joe about his adopted chick, but all we got was some muttering about a "stupid son of a bitch", so we abandoned the attempt.
We hope to speak later to his keeper, Jen Psakopath.
To be honest, we don't understand this press release.
In other news, Doris "praying" Mantis is reported to have eaten her husband Sid after a night of passion. Catholic Bishops take note!
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