This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 29 February 2012

A geust blogger, de Brad of Avon

It aint easy to keep writin spiritaully nuorishin fings about how Bosco and me is saved, and de Cathlics is all headin for de Lake of Fire, so I has got a geust blogger to do it for me todday.

Brad of Avon. Feed me till I wants no more.

Well, God's above all; and there be souls must be saved, and there be
souls must not be saved.

For mine own part,—no offence to the general, nor any man of quality,—
I hope to be saved.

Descend to darkness and the burning lake!
(Henry VI part II)

Enough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Iddle of Peter

O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Quit presently the chapel, or resolve you
For more amazement. If you can behold it,
I'll make the statue move indeed, descend
And take you by the hand.
(Winter's Tale)

Boskos vauvado: I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
(All's Well That Ends Well)

But, good my brother,
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.

My bruvver Bosco

But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.

Priest, beware your beard,
I mean to tug it and to cuff you soundly:
Under my feet I stamp thy cardinal's hat:
In spite of pope or dignities of church,
Here by the cheeks I'll drag thee up and down.
(Henry VI Part I)

Yet I alone, alone do me oppose
Against the pope and count his friends my foes.
(King John)

The piece of tender air, thy virtuous daughter,
Which we call 'mollis aer;' and 'mollis aer'
We term it 'mulier'.

If there be more, more woeful, hold it in;
For I am almost ready to dissolve,
Hearing of this.
(King Lear)

Mollis Aer

Well, dat's all de Shakespere you needs to know. Dere is some uvver stuff no duobt, but it aint needed for Salivation.

Monday 27 February 2012

De Pop uses Twitter

Now dat de Pop is gonna use Twitter, we has used de crytsal ball to see wot de future holds. I is puttin de older messages first.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well here I am on Twitter. I had been wondering for weeks what @stephenfry has for breakfast. Porridge, apparently.


Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@holysmoke Damian Thompson, you SchweineFerret, I have a better right to be called @holysmoke than you do! I'm warning you.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Why have you sent me 200 messages telling me I am not saved? I am the Pope, of course I'm saved.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
I feel like saying something infallible today. Anyone got any good ideas?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@vincentnichols No, no red hat until you start behaving properly. Ask @holysmoke to give you a list of the things you're doing wrong.

Where did you get that hat?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@fatherarthur If I write a letter saying that you're a priest in good standing, will you stop badgering me?

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@molybdenite No, I really am the Pope, and not a sockpuppet. And stop calling me Woeful.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco No, I haven't tortured anyone for several weeks.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
This is quite addictive, isn't it? I seem to have missed an audience with @silvioberlusconi and his 25 lady friends. Mea culpa.

Silvio Berlusconi and friend

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@eccles Love the blog, Eccles. Anti Moly still giving you trouble, eh? Cardinal @avvelenatore suggests sleeping tablets in her gin.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
@stbosco Yes, surprising as it may seem, I have read the Bible.

Pope Benedict XVI @popebenedictxvi
Well, time to go. They're repeating 'Allo 'Allo on TV and it reminds me of old times. Doesn't Herr Flick remind you of @richarddawkins?

Richard Dawkins

Saturday 25 February 2012

The Debate of The Century

We are pleased to provide a transcript of the Debate of The Century, where a biologist and a theologian debate the existence of God. We hope it is more successful than last week's Debate of The Century, where a nuclear physicist and an art critic debated the existence of the Higgs Boson.

Dakwins and cosstume holly man

That's the biologist, Richard Dawkins (right), relaxing with an unidentified friend.

Willaims and beggar

And that's the theologian, Rowan Williams (right), with a poor beggar who does't have any proper clothes.

The referee is Sir Anthony Kenny, who is a black belt in Judo, and able to stop the two protagonists from killing each other.

Sir Antony Kenney

Let the debate commence!

Dawkins: Let me say first of all, as a trained biologist, that snakes cannot talk. I wrote a thesis in animal behaviour, and spent 3 years trying to persuade a serpent to say "Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?" but it never got further than "Dawkins, you're an idiot." See? I've refuted one of the main tenets of your faith. Admit it, Beardie. Go on, admit it.

Williams: Thank you, Richard. May I say that this is a most useful and constructive contribution to our dialogue. In one sense, are we not all struggling to articulate an awareness of our own idiocy? Let me bring in philosophy for a moment.

Dawkins: Philosophy? That means "stamp-collecting," doesn't it? I've never had any time for it.

Williams: Well, in a very real sense it means that. But, if I may go further, it is also to do with the fundamental problems of our existence. Are we really here? I may be sticking my neck out here, but I like to think that, in many ways, there is something to be said for the theory that we are.

Dawkins: Talking of stamps... when I put a letter in a red box and it is magically transported to another place, am I supposed to deduce from that the existence of a postman? No, it is the genetic code in the envelope causing it to move of its own accord.

Williams: Perhaps I could venture to bring in Jesus Christ here, since we were talking about religion earlier?

Dawkins: Who?

Williams: Well, He appears later on in the Bible, and in a very real sense may be regarded as a somewhat relevant and meaningful person in the context of Christian thought.

Dawkins: Oh I stopped reading after Genesis. What a load of rubbish that was. What's the point of it? It was written by King James in 1611, anyway. What did he know about evolutionary biology? Look, we were all living in the Dark Ages until Darwin came along with his ground-breaking book called, um, "The Origin of the..." er... Oh my God, what's it called... it's on the tip of my tongue...

Williams: Species?

Dawkins: Yes, I like making speeches, and love having huge crowds of adoring teenagers saying "Richard, how can one man be so brilliant?" Have you ever read Genesis? That God chap. What a monster, eh? Took Adam, ripped his rib out, and made a woman out of it. When I was a research biologist I was able to show that it wasn't possible to make a whole woman out of a man's rib. All I could make was a rather nice table lamp. And even then I had to buy the wires and the bulb. Well, that proves that you Christians know nothing.

Williams: Well, it's not my job to preach to you, but...

Kenny: We're going to have to wrap this debate up soon, but do you have any final philosophical points to make? Does Occam's Razor tell us something?

Williams: Ha ha, I'm afraid I don't use Occam's Razor. And when I read the works of Bernard Shaw, I realised that Shavian philosophy was not for me either.

Dawkins: Well, I must be toddling off now, I've got a "Dawkins Youth" rally to attend. Don't think I'm one of those dreadful atheists, I'm just a humble agnostic who wants the Pope burnt at the stake. (Exit)

Williams: I thought that went very well, didn't you? In one sense we are all saying the same thing about religion, and sharing some very positive dialogue about whether God really exists. It reminds me of the General Synod.

Tuesday 21 February 2012

Bird watchin

My Anti Moly, who is a keen reader of dis blogg, said to me, "Eccles, dear, why doesnt you tell your faithfull public about me bein a keen birdwatcher, wot can tell a koot from a cookaburrer even when I has been drinkin? I fink it will stop dem from mockin me all de time. I is a twitcher, you know."

"I has notticed," I repplied. "Maybe you should lay off de gin a bit, Anti?"

She hit me wiv a fryin pan at dat point, I fink she been watchin too many Tom and Jerry cartons. So I went off to look at some old phottos dat Anti Moly has kept.

Moly and albbatross

Dat's a photto of my dere Ant as a young girl in de 1930s (she's de one on de right), starin at a bird and sayin confiddently, "Um, dat's a rare speceis of albbatross, but dem traddy Cathlics likes to prettend dat it aint." Dat's in de days before Goggle and Wikkipedia, so she cuoldn't be omnicsient, like she is now. But even in dem days she had a wide knowlegde of our fevvered freinds.

Here is anuvver photto of my Anti as a young girl, watchin a bird. She says it may be a very big duck.

Moly and duck

De bird watchin habit she got explanes de followin photto, which she has by de side of her bed for senttimental reasons.

Cradinal Pell shoppin

She tells me dat it is Cradinal Pell, as a yuong man, trying to win Moly's affectoin by gettin her a Norwegain Blue parrott as a birfday present. I fink de parrott must have died.

I asked my Anti Moly wot was her favuorite bird, and she said, "Dey all tastes nice if you cooks em properly. When I was yuong my Mom used to give us stewed doddos, but den dey became extinct so we had to stop eatin em." She did confess a waekness for vulltures, cos dey picks over de remanes of corpses. Dat's a bit like what Anti Moly does when she comes to Damain Thopmson's blog and she replies to debates when everryone else went home six months ago.


Of course when I asked Bosco wot his favuorite bird was, he explaned dat to be saved you has to worhsip cemment doves like we does at de Calumny Chappell.

Bosco and dove

Dat's my dere bruvver Bosco wiv what he says is a real dove. But Anti Moly, de expert orthinologist, is sure dat it's a barn owl, so I dunno what to fink. Has Bosco and me been kissin cemment owls by mistake? If so, can we still be saved?

Friday 17 February 2012

Relligiuos News

Now dat Damain Thopmson has thrown in de towell, it is up to me Eccles to give you de informed commentarry on de week's relligiuos news.

De Pop got a visit from Barroness Warrsi, wot is a Brittish polliticain and a Muslim. Dis was very confussin to me, as de Pop aint allowed to talk to wommen, and Muslim girls aint allowed to talk to men, so I calls dat an impass. But it seems dat in de interests of world peace dey was allowed to be more freindly dan ussual.

Pop and Barroness Warrsi

Dere main point of agreement was dat dey doesnt like Evan Harrass, wot is a seckularist dat dey calls Dr Death. Sometimes when I goes knokcin on doors and sayin "Ullo, bruvver, has you been saved?" I finds that de old folks I is talkin to says "Nope, anyways we is just off on holliday to a place called Dignittas." Dat Evan Harrass finks it's a wonderful place, but strangley he never goes dere himself, and we aint never met anyone who has been dere.

Richard Dakwins has got hisself into trubble. Dey asked him about Darwin's book "De origin of de speeches" but he cuoldn't rememmber who wrote it and started prayin for divine inspirratoin. So he got humilliated by Giles Fraser, wot is a costume holly man who lost his job and now lives in a tent outside St Pauls. Dakwins reckoned dat you needs to know all de books of de Bibble in order, if you is a true Chritsian. I knows dem of cuorse, for example if you says "4" to me, I replies "Nubmers", cos 4 is a nubmer.

Acksherly I is very cross wiv Dakwins, as he has written a book abuot me, which seems to be a bit creul. I fink he is angry about de hard-hittin blogg I writes explanin dat he aint saved.

Selfish goon

Biddeford Town Counsel has been told by a jugde (or cosstume unholly man) dat dey aint allowed to have prayers before dey meets. It seems dat de Natoinal Seckular Soceity throws a wobbly if you mentoins religoin in publick. De jugde in questoin is called Mr Justice Ouseless, and we fink dat de next fing he gonna do is stop de oath in his court. My bruvver Bosco once tried swearin "I promises to tell de truth, de hole truth and nuffink but de truth, but if I doesnt den dont worry, M'Lud, as I is alreddy saved, and I aint gonna go to de Lake of Fire like you is," but dey said dat was Contemtp of Cuort.

Late news: de Minnister, Mr Eric Pickles has overturned de jugdement and so it is now OK to sing "Has you been saved? Yeah!" in Counsel meetins. But I spose de Cathlic Counsellors is gonna be bringin in iddles and kissin em all day long, so it aint all good news.

Well I has run out of relligious news so we is back to discussin my dere fambly. Dere has been more sightins of my bruvver Bosco, which is surprisin as we fuoght he was still in Callifornia. He is now a 13th degree freemasson warrlock, and maybe at dat levvel dey is allowed to have astral boddies. At any rate, we keeps seein him actin suspiciuosly near Cathlic churhces. Bosco if you is readin dis, please git in tuoch.

Bosco outside a churhc

Anti Moly has got a new tattoo, we finks it is somefink to do wiv her long-runnin passoin for Cradinal Pell.

Anti Moly's tattoo

Howevver, she is also a grate admirer of de handsome good looks of Micheal Vorris, a traddy Cathlic wot she saw on de televisoin. To me it seems like de storry of de beuaty and de beast all over again, excpet dat dis time it is de beast wot is female.

Sunday 12 February 2012

An ecumanacle service

We was invitted to an Ecumanacle Servvice at de local Cathlic Churhc of St Daryll de Apostate. Dis is part of dere attemtps to make Cathlicism poppular wiv de pubblic, by gettin rid of old-fashoined ideas like God and Jessus, and opening de doors to Athiests, Wickans, Driuds, Aztecks, Muvver Earth-Goddess worshippers, etc. Dey weren't too keen on havvin any Chritsians or saved poeple like me, but I had to be dere cos my Anti Moly wanted to go, and I had to stop her makin an exhibitoin of herself.

Dey has iddles in St Daryll's Churhc as dey is Cathlics, and cant live wivvout dem, but dey said dat after Vattican II dey has taken out Jessus, Mary, Josseph, etc. and repplaced dem wiv Marie Stopes, Nelson Mandella, and Che Guevvara, wot is more in tune wiv contemporrary beleifs.

Vattican II worhsip

Dat's a jolly pitcher of an Azteck service wot is in de Spirrit of Vattican II, but we didn't have dat sort of fing todday. We had a powerful sermmon from Farver McDonut, de fammous eco-clerric, who had jetted in specailly from Cancan in Mexxico. He was tellin us dat Jessus wasnt as brihgt as poeple makes out cos He forgot to warn us of de two grate evils of our day, dat's globbal warmin and gennetically moddified foods.

crabon footprint

Farver McDonut jetts round de world every week tellin poeple to minnimize dere crabon footprints, like de one above. As a ressult he has seen globbal warmin at first hand. He went to de Malldive Islands, and de probblem of risin sea levvels was so bad dat his hotel room got knee deep in water. Later he discovered dat he had left de tap on while prayin to St Albert de Gorey, so maybe fings aint so bad, I dunno. Farver McDonut is workin on a new translatoin of de litturgy where dey takes out hard words like "consubstantail" and adds a prayer sayin dat wind turbins is a pretty neat idea, cos dey niether toils nor spins, like it says in de Bibble.

Sister Wendy

Den we got a talk from de luvvly Sister Wendy of de Transvestite Nuns of Intollerance. She explaned dat in de Bibble it was made clear dat wommen was better dan men at most fings, e.g. negotiatin wiv serpents about friut suplies, givvin haircuts to strong men, knockin tent pegs frew dere freind's branes, and smashin bottles of perfum over Jessus's head.

Jeal de role moddle

Dat's a Bibblical womman, Jeal, wot we gotta fink of as a roll moddle for de moddern girl. Actaully it looks like Anti Moly in her yuonger days, tryin to attract de attentoin of Cradinal Pell.

In de 21st centurry, Sister Wendy said, it is a fact dat wommen is better dan men at crossword puzles, sowin on buttons, and changin nappies. Aint dat irrefuttable evvidence dat de Pop is a missorganist, cos he aint givvin way to de inevvitable demands from wommen for orddinatoin?

Well we sang lots of inspirrin hynms about lettin wommen have de rihgt to choose, how Jessus was a big sexxist, and dat Good and Evill is wot you wants em to be. Dem libberal Cathlics is certianly at de forefront of modern thoelogy.

St Daryll's is runnin a competitoin to write your own hynm: you gotta mentoin equallity and diversitty, inclussiveness, health and safety, multiculturalims, sustianability, etc. and keep off discreddited topics like faith, hope, charrity, sin, redemptoin and duty. I aint much good at dis - does annyone know a good rhyme for "Biodiversitty"?

I was lookin out of de winder of de churhc when I saw dis strangely familliar figger, wot seems to be spyin on de Cathlics. Could it be my dere bruvver Bosco de 8th degree freemasson warrlock on a specail missoin?

Clown at window

Thursday 9 February 2012

Where has all de Cathlics gone?

Prince Chalres

Dat's a photto of Prince Chalres. Anti Moly is very excitted cos he and Camila is comin to Austriala as part of de celebratoins of de Jubillee. "I was hoppin for Prince Phillip, as I fink he's a charmin yuong man," she said, "but Chalres will do instead. Dis is a very thuoghtful man, and maybe he can do somefink about dem possums dat is tormentin me. Dey is keepin me awake all night, jumpin up and down on de roof, so I can't sleep, and I is obligged to stay up bloggin till dawn."

What's more she is frustratted as she cant find any more Cathlics to insullt. Dey has all gone off to an unknown destinnatoin. "Dey're hidin somewhere, I knows it!" she shouts. "Eccles, just check under de bed in case dere is a fannatical traddy clique hidin dere, will you?"

She was very cross wiv me, cos I buoght some banananas from a man in de street. For some reasons she didn't like dem.

Fair trad banananas

"Eccles, hasnt you reallised dat dem's traddy banananas, grown on de Pop's pussonal slave plantatoins, where wommen is explioted, while de missogynist men sits aruond playin cards?" she asked me. I mannaged to run out of de room before she cuold tell me it was woful.

We has had to return little Markus de boy scuot to de orphannage, so dat Anti and me can make an expeditoin to Sidney, but he is feelin very pleased wiv hisself, cos Uncle Dakwins has given him some more badges.

"Dis one is for mentoinin Spinozza on a blogg. I fuoght he was a sort of washin-machine, but Uncle Richard says he is a ratoinalist, like me, which means he is much clevverer dan dem bronze age people wot believed in sky farries," he said. "Next week I is gonna get annuvver badge if I can read a page of Bertram Russell wivvout fallin asleep."


Dat's a pitcher of Spinozza bein ratoinal, he's finkin hard and havvin a meltdown like Anti Moly.

Finally I has got some news of my dere bruvver Bosco. Since he posted on dis blogg sayin dat he was gonna train as a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, his studdies has been goin very well. He tells me dat he is alreddy at de 5th degree, and will soon be reddy to drink de blud of babbies, scarifice vergins, and pioson little old laddies. He has got a schollarship from de Obamma fuondatoin for his studdies - apparently Pressident Obamma is very keen on fings like dat, cos dey annoys de Cathlics.

Bosco's homework

Dat's Bosco's homework project, dey has to use up some spare parts and make somefink wiv dem. I fink it cuold be a new luv interrest for Anti Moly - frankly, I fink he's more her type dan Cradinal Pell is.

Monday 6 February 2012

Dr Eccles's probblem page

Now dat I has got an e-male address of my own, I has been inunndated wiv requests from people wiv probblems wot wants to be saved. I is postin some of dem, anonnymised, wiv my advice.

Q. For several years I have been running a religious blog (let's call it Sanctus Fumus) on a national newspaper, but it has gradually been taken over by atheists, trolls, and liberals. The problem is that I am not really interested in religion these days: the pressing issues that keep me awake at night are whether Richard Chartres has got a real doctorate and why Johann Hari still gets invited to media parties when I am not. I told the commentators on my blog that I hated them all and wouldn't read their comments, but they still insist on posting. What can I do? "Depressed" of Notting Hill.

Damian Thompson

Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, Depressed. Perhaps de time has come to stop writin your blogg, as you cant compete wiv de real spiritaul giants like Bosco and me. Has you fuoght of a new career, maybe as a wieght-lifter or a truck-driver? Dey has got very few poeple wiv Ph.D.s and a good head of hair, so maybe dey will be impressed.

Q. I am a bishop in good standing living in a large northern city. My main hobbies are (1) making new translations of the liturgy into the vernacular - indeed, the Yorkshire edition ("Eee, lads and lasses, the Lord be with thee, like!") will be out next year - and (2) closing down churches. I think I can best serve the world by becoming an Archbishop, and then perhaps a Cardinal, maybe even Pope. Do you have any tips? "Ambitious" of the Vatican of the North.

Locked church

Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, your grace. If you is gonna be a cosstume holly man, you sure wants to get the best cosstumes. Has you fuoght of dressin up as a Cradinal, or even de Pop, when you goes shoppin? Red hats is on offer dis week at Mitres 'R' Us. Den your name will be drawn to de attentoin of dem in de Vattican wot decides dese fings.

Q. G'day, cobber, I am an Antipodean Cardinal, but I am being stalked by a loopy old sheila from Adelaide. Sometimes she e-mails me 50 times a day, even staying up all night long to do so, telling me how woeful her feelings are. She claims that we were very close 50 years ago, although I really think it must be her imagination. Now she is threatening to come to Sydney and chuck herself at my feet at my next service (which is a Blessing of Aboriginal Boomerangs). Can you help? "Harassed" of Oz.


Dr Eccles replies: I finks I knows dis dame, your Grace, and I will see what I can do to restrane her. Or if you felt like a job-swap wiv a bishop in de north of Enggland, I fink I could arrange it, and you would both be much happier.

Q. I am a very senior Anglican cleric with my own beard and a passing interest in religion, especially the more obscure aspects that cannot be put into meaningful words. On the one hand, I have a problem, but then on the other hand perhaps I don't. I think both points of view are equally valid, don't you? So perhaps you can help me, or then again maybe we should simply appreciate our wonderful diversity of opinions and be grateful for the opportunity of this truly Christian dialogue. And I am sure that my patron saint, St Heisenberg the Uncertain, would have said the same in a very real sense. "Waffles" of Lambeth.

Rowan Williams

Dr Eccles replies: I fink we needs to go back to basics here. Is you saved, bruvver?

Q. I am a retired professor from a major British university, who has written many books explaining why God cannot possibly exist, and how we are nothing but a bunch of genes stuck together with superglue. What's more, I have my own Foundation for Science and Reason, a street full of bendy-buses with the hard-hitting message "There's probably no God, but we're not so sure, come to think of it" on them, and a lovely wife who comes from the planet Gallifrey. However, I have been reading your blog, and I have this nagging feeling that after all I may have got things wrong, and I am making a fool of myself. How can I back down without being lynched by my followers? "Sky fairy" of Oxford.

Dawkins with dove

Dr Eccles replies: De way of Salivation aint allways easy, bruvver. I fink you needs to find your local Calumny Chappel, and see whats on offer. You can prettend dat you is doin resaerch for a new book on why God aint as smart as you. Also git some cement doves for de sittin-room wall, dey is allways usefull.

Q. I am the leader of a major world religion, but I am nearly 85 years old and getting a bit tired of having to put up with rebellious bishops and so-called liberal Catholics who don't seem to have a clue about the fundamental doctrines of their faith. I see that the Daily Telegraph has no serious religious blogs at the moment, and I wonder whether they would like to give a job to one who really knows what's going on. "Insider" of Rome.

Pope writing a blog

Dr Eccles replies: Deer Insider, I hears on de grapvine dat Damain Thopmson is soon gonna be retirin from de blood-crazy ferret job, to become a hairdresser. So maybe dere will be a vaccancy soon.

Sunday 5 February 2012

Bosco beginns trainin

Well, we all fuoght dat my big Bruvver Bosco was gonna retire to a convent, and maybe train as a nun - in dese days of eqaul opportunnities, dey cant stop him if he wants to. But he left de convent, cos he felt dat as saved pusson de contemplattive life (dat means finking a lot) werent for him.

Bosco also had a bust-up wiv Camila, his main girlfiend, who didnt like him spendin all his time wiv uvver girls - not even nuns, who aint allowed erottic pleassures of de flesh like holdin hands wiv Bosco. I asked Bosco if his girl had dumped him, but he said "No, I has dumped her."

Dumped girl

Now Bosco says he met an ex-preist 90th degree freemasson warrlock, who told him dat if you wishes to be promotted in de Cathlic churhc you gotta be a warrlock. Poeple may mock Bosco, but here is de sort of evvidence he got.

90th degree freemasson warrlock

Well, Bosco has decidded to get to de hart of de matter, and so he have enrolled on a trainin program dat will make him a 90th degree freemasson warrlock, and thus in a positoin to control de Cathlic churhc. So far he is just a 1st degree novvice, but promotoin is fast, if you pays reggular subscriptoins. Bosco aint been given his own appron yet, but he has been tuaght de secret handshake. Here it is bein demonstarted by two bishops. Aint dat conclussive proof dat senoir clergy gotta be freemassons?

Secret handshake

Well we awates wiv excitement de news of Bosco's furver traning. He says dat rolled-up truoser-legs comes into it next, but wuoldnt it be simpler just to ware shorts?

Late news: Anti Moly has told me dat we is takin a trip to Sidney, as de time has come to confront Cradinal Pell wiv his past. Anti Moly fuoght of dressin me up as a baby and taking me in a pram, so dat she cuold prettend dat I was de illegittimate son of dis cosstume holly man. But it wuoldnt be very convincin, since it is 50 years since dey knew each uvver, and anyways you cant farver illegittimate kids wiv a girl if you runs off and jumps into a billaboing every time you sees her. Its a well-known method of avvoidin de probblem of unwanted babies, as dis pitcher shows.

Cosstume holly man avvoidin sex

Wednesday 1 February 2012

Highlihgts of Damain's blogg

For dem wot hasnt been readin Damain Thopmson's blogg recently, I has sellected some of de highlihgts, and put dem in a sensible order, wot Diqsus can't do. You can see dat we is survivin very well in de absence of de Cathlics.

Damian Thompson

Damian Thompson

Was Opus Dei to blame?


I was in Australia last week, and came across the following news item. It's the only interesting thing I've seen recently with a religious theme, so I'm putting it on my blog in order to fill up space.

Delays to roadworks in Pottymouth

Essential road repairs in Pottymouth were delayed by two hours yesterday after a steam roller ran over a Roman Catholic priest, killing him instantly. Eye-witnesses said that the priest, who has not been named, jumped into the road to snatch a sweet golden-haired child out of the path of the steam roller, saving her life.

Micky Dross  MickyDross
A priest killed by a steamroller. ROFL.

Markus Raver  markus_raver
I see that the priest was running to grab a child, Mucky. This is just the sort of suspicious conduct that we expect from Catholic priests. On my uncle Richard Dawkins's site we have been discussing whether it should be made illegal for Catholic priests to walk down the street without wearing handcuffs. The consensus is that all priests should be hanged anyway, so handcuffs probably aren't necessary. As a scientist, I think that's fair, don't you, Mucky?

windy  wendyhouse
Surveys have shown that men are 10% more likely to be run over by a steamroller than women. This is yet another argument in favour of the immediate ordination of women as bishops. When it the Catholic church going to advance into the 1960s and create a Mome rather than a Pope?

Sanity  sanityclause
What's the use of my struggling through blizzards to the only Internet café within 1000 feet of the summit of Mount Everest, if Benedict Carter isn't here for me to be rude to? If he turns up with his gang of acolytes, tell him to go and
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Debbie moans  deborahcomplains
I see that Peter Mullen is still alive, even though he has passed the Biblical limit of three score and ten years. Doesn't this man have the decency to realise that the Anglican church has no place for people like him? Why doesn't he throw himself under a steam roller?

St Cuttley  stcuttley
I hope you don't mind my mentioning this, but we are having great trouble with my lovely daughter, who wants to go on a singing trip to the South Pole. The school has asked me for an indemnity of £10,000 in case her singing drives any penguins to drown themselves. Do you think I should pay it? P.S. Sorry to read about the priest being squashed.

Holpemboob  Holpemboob
A priest squashed by a steam-roller? Is there supposed to be a problem with that?

Anti Moly  Moly Bendit
Woeful, isn't it, the way that fanatical Catholics insist on interfering with a child's right to sit in front of a steam-roller. It's typical of the disgraceful conduct we've come to expect from the clique of traddy Catholics and their sockpuppets.

My uncle, Black Jack of Pottymouth, used to drive a steam-roller through the streets when I was a litte girl, and he would never have dreamt of stopping for any children or priests in his path.

Such is life, eh.

Eccles  Eccles
This comment is awaiting moderation

Anti Moly  Moly Bendit

I do not read your blog. It contains nothing but lies about stbosco, and me, and our families. I counted 109 insulting and defamatory statements in your postings last month. What's more, I am not your great-aunt, I am not pining for the love of Cardinal Pell, and I do not have a problem with gin. So there's no point saying all these things in your blog, as I won't read them. Why doesn't the Telegraph do something about your comments?

I am always in bed by 8 p.m. GMT, so stop pretending that I stay up all night.

Moly (yes, I was formerly Judy8, but I was never banned, after that I was AlfredHaddock, but I don't use sockpuppets).

Eccles  Eccles
Dem's creul words, Anti Moly
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Dross  MickyDross
Moly, you know that Damian doesn't try to enforce the Telegraph Terms and Conditions. He lets Catholics insult everyone without doing anything to stop it. But when I try to post pictures of rotting carcasses or to make fun of young girls, my posts get reported by the Catholics and promptly deleted. It's so dreadfully unfair.

Daz  Daz
As a 'whimsical' old man who likes 'apostrophes' I was 'wondering' whether the 'priest' who met such a sad 'end' was held in high 'e-steam' by his colleagues, and was simply looking for a new 'role'. After his 'experiences' he was obviously feeling a bit 'crushed' and must have felt that 'life' was leaving him a little 'flat'. My best regards to you, Daz.

Anti Moly  Moly Bendit

When I was a member of the Pottymouth Festival Choir, they said I was the flattest singer they had. Woeful, isn't it?

Daryl  drivelbrown
Now that the rabit and his Iberian stable of sockpuppets have gone away (it is obvious that Benedict Carter, Tro, Hamish Redux, Golden Chersonnese, Damon, Annie, Jadis, Puddleglum, Johnhenry, Fizzypilgrim and Terry Tubby are all expatriates living in the Iberian peninsula, probably all in the same house), we may hope that the Catholic church will move quickly to a modern pro-abortion policy, and replace all its altars by snooker tables.

Gay Cat  GayCat
Did I ever mention that I am gay and my boyfriend is a Catholic archbishop? I know you all wanted to hear this.

Anti Moly  Moly Bendit

Don't trust archbishops, I could tell you a thing or two about my experiences with Cardinal
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