This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday 28 May 2023

Indietrists told to "take a hike"

Following the recommendations from Pope Francis and Arthur Roche that pre-2013 Catholics ("indietrists", "backwardists", "rigidists", etc.) should "go away", "take a hike", and "push off", sixteen thousand of them have taken this advice literally and disappeared into the French countryside between Paris and Chartres.

"The Pope told us to 'get lost' and I'm really not sure where we are now."

Although the journey of the 16,000 is decribed as a "pilgrimage", Pope Francis is not fooled. "When I make a pigrimage, I sit in a comfortable jet with a hundred journalists and invent some new Catholic doctrine," he explained. "I certainly don't go wandering in the wilderness."

Meanwhile, the fact that his own diocese includes England's prime destination for a pilgrimage has not missed the attention of Bishop "Comedy Teeth" Collins of East Anglia, who has decreed that the TLM will no longer be allowed at the shrine. The words of another bishop: "it's important that I try to be a father to everyone in my diocese" clearly don't apply here. In fact, following his Jane Austen namesake, Collins prefers a world of Pride and Prejudice.

Bishop Collins

"I can't wait to get my teeth into Traditionis Custodes!"

Now it would be extremely childish to use the dentally-challenged bishop's appearance as a way of mocking him, but, on the other hand, at least five people have sent me versions of the following photo (Collins as a young man) so who am I to refrain?

Dick Emery

"There's two things that I really abhor - religious intolerance and those flaming Traddies!"

Meanwhile, the late news is that the missing 16,000 have resurfaced somewhere near Chartres, much to the disgust of Pope Francis and Arthur Roche. How do we finish this article, then? With another cheap laugh about Arthur Roche's love of cake, or another one at the expense of the bullying bishop? Oh all right...

Pope and teeth

"Well done, Bishop Collins, and your reward is a new pair of false teeth."

Thursday 25 May 2023

New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.


Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Raho moan

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Saturday 20 May 2023


With apologies to A.A. Milne.

Rochie-the-Pooh, a bear of very little brain, lived in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Arthur.


Living under the name of Arthur.

One day he was feeling very hungry, and he said to himself "I think I'll go and see my little friend Austen Pigleteigh. Maybe he will have some cake for me." As he walked along the path, Pooh hummed to himself.
Now, please make no mistake, 
A cardinal likes cake!
You think that I should diet?
Only an indietrist would try it!
"But what if little Piglet doesn't have any cake?" asked Pooh. "Should I go and see my friend the wise owl MASSIWOL instead? No, he has taken up theology now, and he won't listen to me if I hint that it's time for a little something. Or rather, a big something would be better..."


Massiwol reveals the true meaning of Vatican II to a fascinated Rochie-the-Pooh.

"Perhaps I should have gone to see Christo Ber Goglin," said Pooh. " "He's not very busy today, just doing an audience. Of course I could telephone him first and ask him if he has any cake - he won't mind being interrupted. No, it had better be Piglet."

In the most depressing part of the forest, the WherePachaIs bog, lived Mike Eeyore, the donkey. Pooh's journey took him past the wreck that Eeyore called home. "Hullo, Eeyore!" he said. "What a lovely morning for eating cake!"

"Is it a lovely morning?" replied Eeyore gloomily. "Nobody told me. Even Christo Ber Goglin, who is knows everything, hasn't told me what I should think about the weather today. It's so depressing."


The dullest part of the blogosphere.

By now Pooh was getting very hungry, and he suddenly remembered that he still had a jar of honey left in his own larder. Not as good as cake, but it would fill that little gap between 10 o'clock and 11 o'clock. So he turned round and went home again.

Outside his house he found Austen Pigleteigh, who was jumping up and down trying to reach the knocker.

Piglet jumps

Piglet has some NEWS for Pooh!"

"Pooh!" said Piglet in his squeaky voice, "something TERRIBLE has happened."

"A problem with your synod?" asked Pooh. "Is Grech the Rabbit still telling everyone what to do? Does Sister Nathalie Kanga want to take over the Hundred Acre Wood? Has Cardinal Tiggerich done something naughty again?" For Piglet had spent the last few years playing games with some very wild people.

"No, no, NO!!" said Piglet. "I had a dream about a horrible hairy Heffalump! It spoke to me in Latin! We must tell Christo Ber Goglin!"


Piglet's Nightmare.

"That's very important," said Pooh. "We must ban all Heffalumps from the Wood, so that we are no longer haunted by them. But first... let's have some honey."
Who stopped the Mass?
You may call uncle Arthur an ass,
But he stopped the Mass!

Thursday 18 May 2023

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

Taylor Marshall

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout CatholicTM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.

Monday 15 May 2023

Putting pressure on the Pope

When you run a very popular blog that is read by nearly four people, as I do and as Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is does, you have to be careful what you write as you never know who will see it.

Pressure on the Pope

See the problem?

Every morning Pope Francis dips into Where Pacha Is to see what brilliant thing he should be doing that day. Maybe an aeroplane trip in order to announce some shiny new doctrine on same-sex climate change? Perhaps he expects another visit from Austen Ivereigh, who will be doing his Judy Garland impersonation, singing "We're off to see the Synod, the Wonderful Synod of Sin"? Or IS THERE A BISHOP HE SHOULD SACK?

Well, of course there are quite a few bishops who should be sacked, or, more precisely, put in a sack and dropped at the bottom of the ocean, but this a blog of love and kindness and we won't mention them by name. Until next time.

The pressure begins to tell on Pope Francis.

Usually, the Pope has no problems reading Where Pacha Is. Its main message is "Pope Francis is right on everything, even when he's wrong, and if he says something that contradicts previous popes, saints, etc. then they must have been wrong. Or, more precisely, since the Magisterium is constantly changing, they were right at the time, but definitely wrong now. He's also amazingly handsome and charming." But sometimes, WPI tries to predict how the Magisterium will develop, and Pope Francis cannot keep up.

Fortunately, a man of great influence and sensitivity like the Where Pacha Is supremo knows where to draw the line. Well done!

Pope Francis also takes advice on how to cook sausages.

Thursday 11 May 2023

Pope Francis on the couch

Finally, even Pope Francis has realised that there is something badly wrong with his psychological make-up, and has checked in with the great Dr Kopfschrumpfer, psychiatrist to the Vatican.

Pope on the couch

"Now Holy Father, what seems to be the problem?"

Help me, doctor, I have this obsessive phobia about everything that happened before I founded the Church in 2013.

What is it that troubles you?

There is terrible support for restorationism... indietrismo... backwardism... a nostalgic disease... we cannot turn back...

I see. Have you considered discussing the issue with some friends?

I don't have any friends, apart from Austen Ivereigh the scribbler, and nobody in their right mind would take his advice. Oh and James Martin, but all he recommends is appointing more LGBTSJ bishops.

Yours is a difficult case, Holy Father. Take some of these MODAGON anti-modernism tablets and come and see me tomorrow.

Pope Francis hobbles out, but goes through the wrong door, and ends up in a cupboard.

two doors

Which is it to be?

Come back, Holy Father! It's the other door!

I cannot turn back... that would be backwardism... indietrismo... CRASH... I must always go forward, as the sap rises in a tree... to do without this flow would be to remain a mummy... CRASH!... Ow! Get Arthur Roche here to help me... you'll find him in the cake shop...

Monday 8 May 2023

How to run a Coronation

I was (of course) invited to the Coronation of King Charles III, and so I picked up a few tips on how such events should be run. Indeed, since a Coronation is just a sort of Mass run by Anglicans with a few traditional add-ons, some of the features I observed could easily be incorporated into a Novus Ordo Mass (or, with more difficulty, the Traditional Latin Mass).

invitation to coronation

Proof that I was there!

Now, when the celebrant enters the church, it is not appropriate to have someone carrying a cross in front, as this may offend Muslims, Hindus, Anglicans, Jesuits, and anyone else who has dropped in to keep out of the rain. No, what we need is a Valkyrie with a giant sword.

Penny Mordaunt

"Smite ye the ungodly" (Psalm 160).

If it is a Catholic Mass you will need some special guests to give it a spiritually nourishing flavour. A man dressed as the Pope, perhaps. A ballet dancer practising Ignatian Yoga. Or this:

Karl Jenkins

It's G.K. Chesterton!

An interlude - in America they have different notions of the proper procedures for a Coronation Mass. For example, the presence of a QAnon shaman is considered desirable on ecumenical grounds.

QAnon Shaman

Zadok the Priest and QAnon the Shaman anointed Joe Biden KING!

Back to Westminster Abbey. The best Masses have gospel dancers singing and cavorting around but it is not strictly necessary, so we'll skip that. You may also have young people who have been dragged into church kicking and screaming - they don't want to be there, and you don't want to see them. The answer is to hide them behind a lady with a big feather on her hat.

Princess Anne with feather

In a minute he is going to sneeze...

Well, that's all, folks. And remember, if you have celebrated your Saturday Mass with some high-quality music, then you can always organize a Glastonbury-type concert for the tone-deaf masses the next day; this is a Sunday, and therefore need not be regarded as holy.

Gospel group

"You is not saved only we is saved." (Suitable for either event.)