This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 17 October 2021

Good Samaritan arrested for looting

A correction.

Pope's new teachings

Our star reporter Lambchop breaks the news.

We are grateful to Pope Francis, the celebrated climatologist, left-wing political agitator and part-time Catholic, for correcting the account in St Luke of the activities of the Good Samaritan ("Sam" to his friends). It seems that this well-known parable did not turn out exactly as reported by St Luke, and - like the Beatitudes, the Lord's Prayer and other Biblical errors - it required updating. Count your blessings that this was done by papal decree, and not another synod!

It seems that, after delivering the mugging victim to the inn, and binding up his wounds, Sam reacted in the only proper way. He embarked on a campaign of violence, setting fire to buildings, attacking random people who had nothing to do with the muggers, looting shoe shops (medieval paintings often show the Good Samaritan dressed in a pair of brand new Adidas trainers), and generally harassing anyone who got in his way.

good samaritan

"My mates and I will get them for this. And anyone else within 50 miles."

Other prominent figures from Jesus's parables also turn out to have led complicated lives. The man with the lost sheep, having found the poor animal, then went round to his neighbour's farms and set fire to their barns. The prodigal son, offered some fatted calf by his long-suffering father, accused him of letting his animals cause climate change, with the immortal words "You have stolen my childhood and your dreams."

Lazarus, in Abraham's bosom, mocked Dives as a "self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagian." The sower who was sowing seed, once he had finally worked out where the good soil was, ripped it up and threw it in the face of passers-by as a way of showing that he was a true custodian of tradition. Then he screamed at them because they were cross with him.

We are looking forward to Pope Francis's new encyclical Parabolae Perditae or Parables Lost, which will correct and re-interpret all the Biblical parables.

Tuesday, 12 October 2021

The second ever synod

All throughout history momentous decisions have been made by means of synods (and sometimes by synods about synods). We have already seen that the very first synod involved Adam, Eve and the Serpent, and that by a process of discernment it was agreed that the divine commandment ("do not eat the fruit of this tree") did not always apply, and that doctrine might evolve. By a process of discernment one might come to the conclusion that God had really meant "tuck in!"

So, twenty years later there was a second synod. Eden II, some called it, although it was held slightly outside the garden where Eden I had taken place. Mr Genesis taketh up the story.

Cain

Cain explaineth the decision of the synod to his brother Abel.

1. It came to pass that Cain, son of Adam, and his wife Awan held a synod.

2. For Adam, he who was the Head of the Church, had decreed that people should meet in small groups and discuss the teachings of the Church, and whether they might prefer some other teachings.

3. Thus Cain had called a synod on murder, that it might be decided whether murder was really a sin.

4. For, as he said, "My brother Abel vexeth me. For the Lord preferreth the firstlings of his flock to my offering of a low-fat vegan alternative."

5. And Awan replied, "Are you not your brother's keeper? How then may you slay him?"

6. Cain answered unto her, "This is something that we may decide by means of the synod. For hath not our father Adam given unto us the authority to consider what is good, and what is not good?"

7. "It is true," agreed Awan, "that we are told always to reject that which is old, that which is traditional, and that which changeth not. So I must agree with you, O Cain."

8. Thus it was decided that murder was no longer a sin: so Cain went out into the fields and slew his brother Abel.

9. And Adam saw that Abel was slain, and grieved over this. But then he spake out, saying, "Who am I to judge?"

10. And finally Cain went out from the Lord's presence and dwelt in the land of Sy-Nod, East of Eden.

Cain and Awan

Awan urgeth Cain to move to Germany and become a bishop.

Sunday, 10 October 2021

How to receive papal guests

Yes, it's another one in our series "How to be a good pope", containing top tips for those readers who may end up with the big job without having a clue how to do it. There are no training courses available, not even Youtube videos, so future popes tend to come here for advice.

As a pope you will naturally receive visitors wishing to benefit from your wisdom, to give you a piece of their mind, or simply to get a bit of free publicity (thinking of you, Austen, Greta, Fr Jimbo...) Let's have a few case studies.

Pope and Bishop of Norwich

Tip 1: Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Anglican bishop of Norwich, Graham Usher, drops in, bearing sumptuous gifts, namely a jar of honey (formerly the property of Richard Dawkins) and a bee facemask (no, this is not something to protect bees from Covid-19). Now, this is the bishop in whose cathedral there was a helter-skelter two years ago and a plastic dinosaur skeleton this year. What can his Lordship possibly want? Is he going to advise you to set up a helter-skelter in the Sistine Chapel, or a dinosaur skeleton in St Peter's Basilica (a nasty jibe against the priests who used to be allowed to offer Masses there)? Or is it simply that he expects you to liven up the tombs of the saints by surrounding them with beehives?

Have a quick photo opportunity, and send him packing. Keep the honey, though, and wear the mask at your next papal audience to frighten the pilgrims.

Pope and Nacy Pelosi

Tip 1 (bis): Do not scream "heretic" and call for the Inquisition.

The Wicked Witch of the West is your next visitor. Another one seeking a photo opportunity, and perhaps a papal endorsement of her activities. You instantly find common ground with her - you both hate the Big Bad Orange Man - and you get on like a house on fire. Unfortunately you can't accede to her wishes that you donate a few million dollars to Planned Parenthood - Vatican finances are a bit rocky at the moment - but she has your blessing.

You hear later that she attended a Mass in Rome and was booed out. Well, that's been happening to you quite a lot recently, especially since you declared war on the entire pre-1960s Catholic Church - so you can sympathise.

And now some visitors you definitely don't want to welcome.

Cardinal Zen

Tip 2: Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Cardinal Tao has arrived all the way from China, and wants an audience with you. There is absolutely nothing in this for you - no photo opportunity, just a 30-minute lecture on why it is a bad idea to let a totalitarian dictatorship run the Catholic Church in China. Pretend you're out. Pretend you're ill. Don't bother to pretend, just lock the doors.

Cardinal Burke

Tip 2 (bis): Set the papal poodles (Antonio and Austen) on unwanted guests..

Finally, one of those irritating Dubia cardinals is still trying to get in to see you. It's been nearly five years since four of them wrote a letter asking you to clarify Catholic teaching by answering five simple Yes/No questions. As a Jesuit, clarifying teaching would be unprecedented behaviour, and make you very unpopular with the Superior, Arturo Sausage. Clear off, Ray.

dubia roach

Which reminds me...

According to Wikipedia, the gentleman above is called a Dubia Roach. The name may remind you that there's a great fan of yours at the Congregation for Divine Worship who is looking for a red hat in an extra large fitting. Indeed, he recently said "the post-Vatican II missal of Paul VI is the 'richest' the Church has ever produced." Come on, invite him round for tea (order lots of cinnabons) and give him what he wants!

Friday, 8 October 2021

Pope Francis snubs Glasgow

The Climate ChangeTM world is reeling in horror today with the news that Pope Francis will not be attending November's prestigious COP26 conference in Glasgow. In his place, he will be sending Vice-Pope Parolin, with various useful bits of advice such as "A Glasgow kiss is a head-butt, Pietro, so don't ask for one in Mass just before the Agnus Dei" and "Deep-fried Mars Bars are so disgusting that only Cardinal Dolan will eat them."

Naturally, there has been speculation about the Pope's reasons for crying off. Was it when he heard that Climate ChangeTM had not actually reached Glasgow and the weather in November will be (in the local vernacular) "cald enow ta freeze the haggis off a poop, ya ken"?

Pope plants tree

Pope Francis shows an admiring audience how to save Mother Earth.

The Holy Father had already explained that he was attending in a purely secular capacity, and would not be creating any Scottish saints, attending Masses (och aye, use of the Scottish vernacular would have been a good way to prove its superiority over Latin, the noo), or even handing out Pachamama dolls. As a purely secular pope, he would have been attending as Jorge Mario Bergoglio (Vatican State), wearing a simple business suit made from the wool of low-carbon Argentinian llamas. But it was not to be.

Another theory to explain the Pope's absence is his well-known fear of St Greta of Thunberg. After her moving speech to the Swedish toddler group this week, where the words "blah blah blah" led to riotous applause, Pope Francis is naturally nervous in case she accuses him of stealing her dreams and childhood or describes his finely-crafted empty words as "blah blah blah". As he explains, "I've been getting enough of that sort of language from the Catholic Church ever since I decided to kick the TLM brigade in the teeth."

Pope and Greta

Greta is not the first person to wish that the pope would go on strike.

Well, so be it. COP26 will have to survive with Parolin, and without the pope jetting in we must expect Mother Earth to die just a little bit sooner. As St Greta puts it "HOW DARE YOU?"

Tuesday, 28 September 2021

Thoughts are better than prayers

Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers.

For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:

Boris thoughts

The prime minister thinks.

On the other hand, for totally trivial matters, such as a European Football Championship, only a totally trivial response is appropriate, such as this letter written to the football manager.

Boris letter

Prayers and hope!

Well, if Boris, my spiritual director, says so, it must be so. Prayers are only to be used for trivial matters ("O Lord, make sure the bus is on time" or "I humbly beseech Thee, grant that the shop still has a copy of the Tablet"). For really serious crises, it's THOUGHTS that count.

We used the ECCLESPROBE (TM) to drop in on the almost-empty mind of devout Catholic Joe Biden as he was attending Mass. It was impossible to get a coherent reading, but his thoughts seemed to be mainly of a huge ball of ice-cream flavoured with chocolate chips. Our theologians are still trying to explain this.

Biden and ice-cream

Spiritual nourishment.

Take this week's disaster, the volcano in La Palma, which has caused widespread damage, not to mention climate change. So prayers would be inappropriate here: only THOUGHTS are good enough. "Hmm, it must be hot there." "This volcano's CO2 emissions have stolen my dreams and my childhood." That sort of thing. The fact that people are thinking such deep thoughts must be a great comfort to those who've lost their homes.

volcano

THOUGHTS: "This is the fault of those Traddy Catholics." "No, this is the fault of Pope Francis."

Today is the Feast of St Wenceslaus (assassinated at the age of 24, so all those photos of an old man carrying pine logs are inaccurate). So, in best Catholic tradition, we think about him. Ready? Go!

Good King Wenceslaus

This walk is the only thing I'll ever be remembered for."

Saturday, 25 September 2021

Traditionalist Gaslighting

A special guest posting from Mike Lewis and Stephen Ferry, which originally appeared on the ultramontanist website Where Pacha is.

In his wonderful motu proprio Trads Cussed, Francis, the greatest pope who ever lived, points out that all those who celebrate the traditional mass are extremists, fascists, and altogether not good Catholics like he is, along with his friends, Blase Cupich, James Martin SJ and Joe Biden. HE IS RIGHT.

Cartoon version of Mike Lewis

Mike Lewis (nobody has heard of Stephen Ferry: he may be a sockpuppet).

Lots of extremists have contested the Very Holy Father's claims. We mention Raymond Burke, who, to the great disappointment of Pope Francis, seems to be recovering from the deadly virus Vatic-2. Burke wrote a piece in which he said "Well, actually, TLM worshippers are not schismatics at all." Regular readers of Where Pacha is (both of them) will remember that Burke was one of the four Dubia cardinals who nearly caused the greatest schism in the Church's history by asking Pope Francis to clarify something he said!

As papal biographer Austen Ivereigh Tower, author of "Pope Francis - the great redeemer", "Go away Austen, I'm trying to sleep" and the new best-seller based on Archpope Francis's teachings, "Forget the past - they're all dead people", puts it, "For many bishops the call to wake up and think about Catholicism was the last straw!"

Pope Francis the toddler

"If anyone calle me schismatic again, I'll go and found my own Church!"

There are lots of very evil people out there. Dr Joseph Shaw, chairman of the Latin Mass Society of England and Wales, and contributor to such scurrilous publications as Extremist weekly and Schismatic News, may be an intellectual giant, but is obviously not in the same league as our friend Austen Ivermectin - how many hagiographies of St Pope Francis has Shaw written? This devotee of the Extremist Form Mass has publicly denied the divinity of Pachamama (even though she's a LATIN American goddess). He also endorsed those dreadful Dubia cardinals who insisted on trying to square Supreme Pope Francis's teachings with those of dead people such as Pope Benedict XVI (oh, isn't he?), St Paul and St Peter. We discard him utterly.

Pachapapa Francis has pinpointed the centre of all evil - the Extremist World Television Network EWTN. It was founded by extremist Mother Angelica; her friend Raymond Arroyo plays an influential role with his extremist programme The World Over Live, which devotes all its time to reporting on the tantrums of Pope Francis the Humble. Last week they even invited the blood-crazed ferret, Damian Thompson of the fascist Spectator magazine to say rude things about Francis, the Fourth Person of the Trinity.

Lewis screams

Enough said!

I think I've made my point. The opponents of Trads Cussed are possessed, diabolical, schismatic, extremist (have I used that word already?) and possessed by diabolically schismatic extremism! No wonder Pope Francis hates their guts finds it difficult to accommodate them. Does Vatican II mean nothing to them? Did she die in vain?

Pope Francis has said that EWTN is the work of the Devil. Pope Francis is always right. We can also reveal that the Devil is an extremist. Need we say more? Yes, this is just the first in a 94-part series...

Saturday, 18 September 2021

Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: helter-skelter

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: crazy golf

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: moon

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spirituall nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich: plastic dinosaur

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York, wine and rum

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

Saturday, 11 September 2021

The Book of Covidicus 19: Bosis's popularity waneth

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. Thus, after the children of Bri-tain were given their freedom, they passed forty days and forty nights enjoying the rain that droppeth from Heaven in the summer.

2. Or possibly fifty days and fifty nights, for all the days were alike.

3. The children of Bri-tain could now go out into the streets and the markets without masks, provided that they did not mind the occasional cries of "WEAR A MASK THOU FASCIST! THOU HAST KILLED MY FAMILY! MY LIFE AND HAPPINESS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!"

Balgian minister struggling with mask

"Alas, this mask beareth no instructions."

4. Also, many had received the vixen that protecteth man from all diseases, and were therefore awarded the title of "first class citizen".

5. Those who refused the vixen, perhaps because they thought it was evil, or they thought it was useless, or they thought it was dangerous, became second-class citizens.

6. They were forced to carry a bell with them, which they rang, and to cry "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" as they walked through the streets feeding on scraps of rotten food.

7. Although Bo-sis had promised that there would be no preference given to those who had received the vixen, neither would there be passports that they could carry.

Beggars

Criminals guilty of vax evasion.

8. Also, there was a shortage of people to drive the ox-carts on which food was delivered. Thus, there was no food in the markets (although it mostly seemed to affect those people who had voted to remain in EU-gypt).

9. Still, life was even worse in other lands. In the land of Australis, where men walk upon their heads, all the people were locked in their homes, and the officers of the law, like unto a roaring wallaby, walked about, seeking whom they might devour.

10. Even in the land of EU-gypt, where man could no longer feast on the leg of the snail and the frog, or possibly the other way round, the people suffered much. Many crossed the Red Sea in small boats, that they might come to the promised land of Bri-tain, which flowed with milk and honey (deliveries permitting).

11. Then Bo-sis had a new idea, that all the children of Bri-tain should be taxed (as well as vaxed).

12. For he said, "We must protect the National Health Service, that hath saved so many lives. For if thou sufferest from the plague, then all thou needst do is to call them, and they will tell thee how to make an Intensive Care Unit using a lawnmower and a bicycle pump in thy garden shed. For it is too dangerous for a doctor to see thee."

13. And now these people need our money, that they may appoint more managers, equality and diversity officers, and dancing coordinators.

Boris and social care

Bo-sis prepareth to deliver "social care".

14. Also we shall see that no man payeth more than six-and-eighty gold pieces for care in his old age: for we shall kill him when the money is spent."

15. And the people began to mutter "Mayhap Keir, chief of the Labourites, is not much more useless than Bo-sis."

To be continued.

Thursday, 9 September 2021

Joe Biden explains the use of Catholic artefacts

As all my readers will know, President Joe Biden is one of the most devout Catholics who ever lived. Although it was a long time ago, he once said to a crowd:

"The next Republican that tells me I'm not religious, I'm going to shove my rosary beads down their throat."

We therefore rushed to interview him about the uses of other Catholic artefacts.

Biden with rosary

Open your mouth, Donald!

Do you have a crucifix handy? This can be used to deal a nasty blow to the back of the head. Most churches also contain heavy Bibles, and these are essentially blunt instruments which can cause life-threatening wounds.

Why do you think churches have candles? So that they can be lit, of course. And what to we do with a lighted candle? Why, stuff it, flame first into your neighbour's ear. Or mouth. C'mon man!

procession

Armed and ready for action.

Incense is another good weapon. If your neighbour has already swallowed your rosary beads without collapsing, then a good handful of the dry powder should help to choke him.

If that doesn't work, then there may be a baptismal font handy, and devout Catholics should be able to show their devoutness by drowning other less devout Catholics.

Your church may also be blessed with useful relics. Skulls, for example, make excellent missiles, and arm and leg bones can be used to deal a nasty injury to anyone who still says that you are not religious.

skull

Ready for throwing at your political enemies.

When you have finished assaulting your neighbour ("the sign of peace"), don't forget to received Communion! Joe says it's OK, and Joe is a devout man.

Other suggestions may be left here, and will be passed on to President Biden the next time I see him at Mass.

Tuesday, 7 September 2021

How to be a shy pope

We have already seen several pieces on "How to be a good pope", designed especially for those readers who may one day be slapped in the face and told "Hey, you've been elected pope! Come on, sober up, get this white coat on, and step out onto the balcony!"

But you may say, "I am too shy to be pope." There are certainly precedents for this.

Pope interview

The problems of a shy pope.

One very notable shy pope was John-Paul I, who refused to do anything that might draw attention to himself. No interfering with forms of worship, no heretical encyclicals, not even a spot of idol-worship. Indeed, he was so shy that he decided that the best thing to do was to die quickly.

Now we don't recommend this route. Let's say that you are elected at the age of 76 (if you are from the Philippines and good at liturgical dancing you may make it sooner), so you probably have about 20 years more to get through. You may, if very shy, retire early and spend your declining years in prayer and beer-drinking, but let's suppose you have at least 10 years of active popery.

Pope with face covered

One way to deal with shyness, but don't do it too often.

No banging on the table, then! Although you may shyly slap the occasional pilgrim. But that doesn't mean you can't, shyly, make changes of your own. For example, say that you want to forbid the Lord's Prayer, as being something that irritates you. Explain timidly that it is divisive - schismatic, if you like - and certainly against the Spirit of Vatican II. Leave it to the bishops to prevent use of the Lord's Prayer: then the faithful will blame THEM and not YOU. Oh, but I forgot - do praise that predecessor of yours who first allowed use of the Lord's Prayer - probably, St Peter in this case - but explain that it was time to "review" its use.

To take another example. Suppose that you have a passion for the Mexican God Huitzilopochtli, the recipient of many human sacrifices from the Aztecs. Then you can be photographed absent-mindedly attending such a human sacrifice (perhaps as part of a synod): by now some stooge will have written a biography of you, Fred - the shy pope, and he can be relied upon to explain to the faithful that the Huitzilopochtli statues actually represent a Catholic saint - let's say, St Joseph - and that the tearaway Austrian who threw some into the Tiber was definitely a fascist.

Pachamama service

"He's very shy you know. Too humble to complain about this."

One final example. It is part of the job description for a pope that he should churn out the odd encyclical or apostolic exhortation. You may not be very good at this, and will no doubt include the odd dozen errors - heresies, that sort of thing. Some cheeky cardinals are likely to notice and send you Dubia (a Latin word meaning "Are you crazy?") It would be very embarrassing for a shy pope to get into a theological debate, but all you have to do is ignore them. Again your closest pals will explain how wicked the cheeky cardinals are... not proper Catholics you know... responsible for climate change... not sympathetic to Fr Martin James your LGBT friend... Meanwhile, you sit shyly in the corner reading a novel.

Saturday, 4 September 2021

The Mass that Divides

Subtitled "Austen Ivereigh goes to Church."

To understand why Pope Francis decided to persecute worshippers in the traditional Roman rite, his biographer spent two months diligently searching for some people who actually thought Francis was right, and finally located some in Ledbury.

The thriving Novus Ordo community of Ledbury (a huge crowd of 25 people who turn up at 9.30 and rush away quickly to avoid the Eucharistic Devotion and other divisive rituals) is up in arms because of the 11.30 Missa Cantata, attended by a mere handful of 40 people from three counties, who insist on divisive prayers such as the Rosary and share their divisive packed lunches afterwards, selfishly excluding those who prefer to stay in bed.

Ronnie Corbett

Dr Austin Powers.

Between the church and the car park, a late-middle-aged woman approaches with a broad smile. At first she starts saying how much she enjoyed the Two Ronnies, but then I point out that I am not the late Ronnie Corbett, and she becomes more serious. In the background I hear a murmuring from other parishioners "ROTA LAUSI BIO GRAPHI" as some of them recognise me. "That's Latin, you know," she says, and bursts into tears. "This was such a lovely parish, which used to have the ancient 1970s Vatican II (genuflects) liturgy, with the priest smiling at us cheekily throughout the Lord's Meal. But Fr Wiltshire sidelined us all, banned my Pachamama doll, and turned his back on us."

Following Traddies Cussed, Fr Wiltshire is technically breaking the law as Archbishop George Stack has not formally given him permission for the Divisive Mass to continue. Nobody in the parish objected when Fr Wiltshire conducted a 5.30 a.m. Divisive Mass once ever three months, but when the ritual started to be taken seriously they revolted.

crying

A victim of the far-right divisive fascist traditional Mass.

"Huge divisive candles! Alt-right kneelers! Fascist packed lunches!" No wonder so many parishioners have fled to other parishes, where they can hear a truly vernacular Mass in the Herefordshire dialect ("oo-arr!") Nearby there are other vernacular masses in the Afghan Pashto and Dari tongues.

"Mona" (not her real name) tells me that she is disenfranchised. "It is the worst persecution Catholics have suffered since Henry VIII cut their heads off. Fr Wilshire even cut my head off when I complained to him. Of course it grew again after I prayed to St Paul VI."

But now with Traddies Cussed there is hope that 1960s normality will be restored. All the worshippers in the old rite are ancient, senile, and decrepit, so will probably die soon. Apart from the young families. Oh and the teenagers. And the children. But my point remains: THEY WILL DIE ONE DAY.

nasty little girl in mantilla

The sort of fascist whose jackboots are trampling over the Novus Ordo.

Pope Francis sent out a survey to bishops last year - you know, the guys who attend Masses two or three times a year - asking them whether they hated the TLM a little, a lot, or a hugey-biggy-gorblimey-lot. Yorkshire-born Archbishop Arthur Rogue was tasked with analysing the results, using fool-proof Dominion software and an extra batch of responses recently received from China. Conclusion: KILL THE TRADDIES.

A few paragraphs of waffle deleted here, sorry Austen. I know you're trying to rebrand yourself as an academic but you seem to have used a computer to write this next bit. Still, the bit where you mention someone close to the Pope is very good, and Signora Moppi the Cleaner's words "with charity, understanding and courage" describe Pope Francis's reign perfectly!

Hilda Ogden

One of the Pope's closest advisers.

Finally, I spoke to young virile Archbishop George Stack (75), who said, "I did enjoy the Two Ronnies! Oh, you're not. Anyway, don't bother me with this. I just want a quiet life, so I'll do whatever pleases the Pope most."

Will the people of Ledbury get their church back? Will English Catholics worship in English as they have since the days of St Augustine? Or will they be forced to attend divisive far-right masses with candles? In the next instalment of my 26-part essay on "Pope Francis the God" I will explore this further.

Thursday, 2 September 2021

Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Robin Hood (1953)

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

I shot the sheriff

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.

Saturday, 28 August 2021

The pope's eight wondrous achievements

Arriving at the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Francis Achievements, we are left with eight truly memorable accomplishments. Now, some people who saw this World Cup in action accused me of attacking the pope in some way, but this is very unfair, as I did not say whether the entries were to be regarded positively or negatively. In the end, they are all positive!

Let me come clean, and say that I am a huge fan of "Peter" and am hoping to get a job writing for the blog "Where Peter is Wonderful", which explains that the pope is always right, even when he is wrong. So let's analyse the eight quarter-finalists in detail. (Actually, not all the polls are closed yet, but it is now fairly clear who will win.)

"My new book, Pope Francis the great achiever, will have eight chapters."

Traditiones Custodes. Surely one of the jewels in the crown of Pope Francis's reign. Those nasty divisive traddies, who wanted to use the Extraordinarily Good Form that their grandparents knew, were clearly causing discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. by refusing to learn vernacular and celebrate the Novus Ordo in Tower of Babelese. We know that Pope Francis got it right, as those who object to TC are already saying that it has caused discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. Francis the blessed peacemaker knows that the best way to achieve peace is to get your retaliation in first!

Who am I to judge? Yet again, the Wonderful Father has hit the nail on the head. The full quotation is "If a lot of miserable sinners call themselves Catholic and find that repenting is too much of a bother, who am I to judge?" We Bergoliolators have noticed that Pope Francis never judges. Well, except when he says people are too rigid, or fomenters of coprophagia, or self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians - or when he hates them simply because they supported the wrong side in the Falklands War. So let sin thrive!

Amoris Laetitia. Pope Francis has written the definitive treatise on Catholic morals. Although the ideal family has two parents of either the same or different sexes, together with 2.3 children and a white cat called Tiddles, not all families can achieve this, and some find that an adulterous lifestyle is more convenient. Mr Mercy has understood this, and reassures them that with the aid of discernment, walking together, perhaps some Ignatian yoga, their needs can also be accommodated.

Blofeld

An ideal father.

The Church in China. One of the great successes of the Stupendous Father. No longer are bishops to be appointed for their spirituality, wisdom, orthodox beliefs and "good shepherd" qualities - and look how well that turned out in the west! - but the title of "Bishop" is now a grade in the Chinese Civil Service, just above Head Jailer and Assistant Torturer and just below Lord High Executioner. Some people will say that having all Catholics driven underground on pain of arrest is a bad thing, but Francis knows best. In the west, few bishops have torturing skills (Wilton Gregory, Declan Lang, a few others?) and we need more!

Pachamama worship. This has been criticised by a few fascists who persist in sticking to the old ways. It is now generally agreed that Pachamama is not the Mother Earth Goddess - and who would complain if she were? - but simply another version of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Or she may be a vision of Greta Thunberg, five years from now, expecting a bonny bouncing carbon-free baby. Whoever she is, she is not to be thrown into the Tiber. That commandment on having "no other gods but me" is a bit stale now, isn't it? Obviously different Catholics will prefer different gods!

The Abu Dhabi statement. There was much brilliant material in this declaration: for example an agreement that "We Catholics will not stab Muslims in the street if your lot don't stab us (however, we can't speak for the Quakers, who are notorious oat-fuelled fiends)." But the bit that got people talking was where Pope Francis explained that God doesn't particularly favour the Christian religion, and He prefers a bit of diversity. So there's really not much point being a Catholic after all. This is true HUMILITY from the one man who you would expect to stick up for the Catholic Church.

Quaker

Not covered by the Abu Dhabi agreement.

The German synodal path. Synods are wonderful things, which is why we shall soon be holding a Grand Ten-year Synod about the synodality of synods about synodal synods. So the German Synodal Path (or as they so elegantly call it Der Synodalerkardinalmarxderdickemannhatzuvielewürstegegessenweg) really puts the "syn" in Synod! Everything is up for grabs - new ideas on sexual morality, women priests and bishops, and a total rewriting of Catholicism from scratch to get rid of the embarrassing bits! This is of course a precursor of other synodal paths - new rules depending on where you live (see also under "China", "Pachamama" and "Abu Dhabi"). Now this is not schismatic, oh no, far from it. Because nobody will be using Latin.

Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick. Look, Ted's just this guy you know? He may have got himself into a spot of trouble, according to a brief 449-page report, but Pope Francis took a very firm line on this, rushing to laicise him only five years after he found out about it. Francis had obviously made him a trusted adviser because Ted knew more about sexual abuse than anyone else - when you need information, go to the experts! Uncle Ted is now living quietly in retirement, hoping to be sent to a prison that has its own built-in beach house. A happy ending for everyone!

The usual suspects

"Pope Francis says 'You've all done very well!'"

The results of the knock-out rounds will be posted here as we get them.


Quarter-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 73.4 v Who am I to judge? 26.6

Quarter-final 2: Amoris Laetitia 44.6 v Treatment of the church in China 55.4

Quarter-final 3: Pachamama worship 90.0 v The Abu Dhabi statement 10.0

Quarter-final 4: Supporting the German synodal path 40.8 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 59.2


Semi-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 72.3 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 27.7

Semi-final 2: Treatment of the church in China 37.5 v Pachamama worship 62.5


THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 20.9 v Treatment of the church in China 79.1

China gets the Bronze medal!

FINAL: Traditionis Custodes 41.2 v Pachamama worship 58.8

Gold medal for Pachamama, Silver for Traditionis Custodes!

Tuesday, 24 August 2021

"The tiger who came to Rome" condemned by activists

Critics have accused the classic novel "The tiger who came to Rome" by Austen Ivereigh, of sexism, encouraging violence against women, and reinforcement of liturgical inequality.

Tiger eating

A shocking scene from the book.

The book tells the story of an exotic creature from South America which invites itself into an ordinary Catholic Church and promptly proceeds to devour everything in sight: the traditional Magisterium, the faith, and even some of the most-treasured liturgy.

Sexism is apparent in the book, since most of the tiger's friends are men (although over half are Jesuits, as a token gesture to LGBT equality). However, there are unpleasant scenes of liturgical bullying, as the Rome family discovers that all the liturgy has been chewed up by the creature.

Francis sslapping a woman

Should our children be exposed to violent scenes like this?

The author, Austin Ivereigh, has denied that there is a darker meaning to the story, although many Catholics have found themselves unable to sleep at nights thinking of everything the tiger might do. "It's just a dumb animal," he says, "and it does what dumb animals have to do."

Tuesday, 17 August 2021

The Traddy-Ban captures Rome

Catholics worldwide have been stunned by the news that the Tradi-ban is now occupying Rome, led by the triumvirate of Bar-Golio, Pah-Rolin, and Ahfah-Roche. Last night Rome was full of Tradi-Ban troops singing the victory anthem "Trads Cussed".

Sadly, nobody suspected that when President Bidenict XVI withdrew his forces in 2013, the brutal forces of Tradi-ban would soon be able to take over and occupy the eternal city and from there rule the entire land of Catholistan.

Pope Francis on telephone

"Someone's singing Salve Regina! Send in the elite Swiss Guard commandos."

With the Tradi-ban in power, there will be many new restrictions on the rights of Catholics - and in particular, they will be deprived of freedom of worship. Women will be told how to dress: mantillas and long dresses are out, and they will be forced to wear the soulless uniform dictated by Bar-Goglio, namely, bergos (crop tops and yoga pants).

President Bidenict has so far not commented on the Tradi-ban coup, and at his advanced age he now spends most of his time sleeping and eating ice-cream. However, there has been criticism worldwide of his hasty withdrawal, which left many Catholics in danger of persecution.

Ruined church

The Tradi-ban's forces fail to destroy a strategic target.

All is not lost, however. Political commentators such as Max Beans, Lamb Chop, and Tom Risible have welcomed the Tradi-ban as finally bringing Catholistan kicking and screaming into the 1970s. And we know how seriously people take their views.

Sunday, 8 August 2021

How to be a good pope: gaslighting the faithful

This piece, like all the "good pope" articles, is designed for those who may one day find a Mafia boss in dark glasses come up to them and say "Congratulations! You're now infallible! Go out there and make them a doctrine they can't refuse!"

One very necessary skill for a pope is gaslighting, which Wiipedia defines as follow:

Gaslighting is a colloquialism for a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is successful in having the target (a person or a group of people) question their own reality, memory or perceptions. There is often a power dynamic in gaslighting where the target is vulnerable because they are fearful of losses associated with challenging the manipulator.

white smoke

Light the gaslight! We have a new pope!

We can give some useful advice here from Pope Francis, seven times voted "Best Pope since Benedict XVI" and one who knows all the tricks.

Suppose that you want to keep the faithful on their toes by causing a schism. That way they can be so busy squabbling amongst themselves that they won't have time to notice anything dodgy that's going on in the Vatican. At present you have various forms of Mass, mostly "vernacular", which means that, apart from the usual stuff, you are blessed in that once in a week Fr Radovan Karadžić comes in to offer a mass for the Bosnian Serb community. Also once a month Bishop Lang-Toal permits a traditional Latin Mass at 6 a.m. in a totally inaccessible church.

inaccessible church

"Our TLM worshippers are definitely falling off."

So you send out a questionnaire to bishops: Complete the following in less than ten words: "I think the TLM is evil because..." First prize, a cardinal's hat.

Whatever answers you get, you feel justified in saying "Right, chaps, no more TLM unless you get a permit signed in your bishop's blood*."

*Clever, eh? The more reptilian bishops don't have much blood, so they will refuse!

Many people will be angry and blame you for attacking the traditional form of worship (but LGBT Masses and Clown Masses are still permitted, of course). This is where you turn things round and apply your Holy GasMaster skills. "The traditionalists are schismatic. They are criticising me. ME!!! Am I not Peter? Where Peter is, the Church is. If I say (as Peter did) 'I do not know this Man,' should not the faithful agree with me?" So the blame goes onto the trads and you can get your own way, feeling that you were in the right after all.

The same considerations apply to the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate, the Sovereign Order of Malta, and many other nasty groups. You took control of them, they were angry, so you HAD to take control of them!

Pope and Matthew Festing

You noticed that Albie Boeselager had disgraced himself, so I'm sacking you.

Some gaslighting is more subtle. You accidentally put some heretical statements in your Amorous Letitia Exhortation, and four cardinals questioned them. Classical gaslighting would involve calling them heretics, blame them for causing a schism, etc. But a true Holy GasMaster will simply ignore their Dubia, and leave it to his faithful attack poodles to throw the mud. Cardinal Biretta occasionally wears impressive robes - so he is not as humble as you are! You can make life difficult for him.

A final example: you hold a disastrous Inca Synod, in which you allow the pagan idol PatchyMomma to be celebrated. Your chief attack-poodle, Austen Ivory-Tower, author of Pope Fred, the New Messiah, immediately decides that this is a representation of the Virgin Mary, and the sub-poodles spread this theory far and wide.

Pachamama scandal

Winner of the "Looks nothing like the Virgin Mary" competition.

However, most people agreed that this was a pagan idol, not welcome anywhere near a Christian service, and a small group even polluted the Tiber by throwing in several PatchyMommas. Again, as Holy GasMaster you can blame them, getting your historically less-informed poodles to describe the assailants as "fascists", just as Moses was described when he destroyed the golden calf. You yourself are above such bickering, although you take great care not to be seen with any other pagan idols. So you win yet again.

Francis with parrot