New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Jupich Iscariot condemns statement from the other 11 disciples

Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33.

Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.

Cardinal Iscariot puts on his "angry" face.

The statement from the disciples had been a simple affirmation of Christian doctrine, but this is considered dangerous in today's political climate, and is likely to get many people into trouble with the authorities.

Governor Joe Pilaten is not amused either.

Joe Pilaten himself is generally regarded as a harmless buffoon with an obsession for washing his hands, although the Disciples' statement is very critical of his fondness for taking innocent life (completing a task that his mentor Barack Heroda failed to finish many years ago).

Naturally Jupich, given the choice between affirming Christian doctrine and pleasing the governing authorities in the United States of Judaea, will drop his religious principles every time. Indeed, there are already reports that he is involved in a scandal known as Thirtypiecesofsilvergate. Still, since he is a powerful cardinal, his words will always be heeded, however crass they may be.

Judas Iscariot SJ - a new biography

St Jon M. Sweeney has written a biography of Judas Iscariot SJ, the misunderstood disciple, LGBT pioneer, and top theologian; it is called Judas Iscariot: In the Company of Jesus, and is published today!

Going to Amazon (in a non-synodal capacity), we found three very enthusiastic reviews of this new book.

Already nominated Book of the Year!

"Here's what I can't help but love about Judas Iscariot: his refreshing new teachings, so different from listening to what Christ had to say, so honest, so alive and unfurling. Father Judas's love for money (30 pieces of silver for each book published) impels him to talk nonstop about the virtues of an LGBTQ lifestyle. Courage, Judas. I've been wibbling on about the death penalty for 90-plus years (oh, nobody cares about you, Sister Bluejean). When you love talking, you stay in dialogue."

Sister Swinging Bluejean, CSJ, Author of lots of stuff about people being executed.

A relic from the swinging 60s.

"St Jon M. Sweeney has composed a detailed, fascinating portrait of one of our great spiritual leaders, Judas Iscariot. From a not very religious family and after a stint on the Galilee Stock Exchange, Martin heard the unlikely call to the 12 Disciples. This led to his blossoming into a best-selling author and a controversial spokesperson for welcoming LGBTQI+ persons to the Church. It’s a gift to nonbelievers who want to stay that way, as well as helping devout Catholics who are planning to lapse."

Mary Karraphas, poet and memoirist, author of various books that we've never heard of.

"[Fill in name here] is one of the most important voices in Christian spirituality today and [Fill in name here]'s story of his life and his work will, I promise, make you want to be a [better/worse] person. We need to define what Christian discipleship means in the present moment. This book will help you do that."

Ronald Hellraiser, author of far too much already.

Fr Ron demonstrates the new Vatican-approved way of fighting off unwanted pilgrims.

The Dictator Apostle

Jerusalem, A.D. 33. Ecclesiam reports.

I've just been reading "The Dictator Apostle" by Marcus Antonius, alias the historian Henry the Sire-enian, who is very critical of Jorgas Iscarglio, one of the 12 Apostles.

Many people, notably St Stephen of Walford, keeper of the piano keys, would claim that Iscarglio, as an apostle, is beyond criticism. After all, he was appointed by Jesus Himself and given authority to cast out evil spirits (e.g. Jesuits) and to cure diseases. However, the reality suggests that somehow the St Galilee Mafia fixed it for Jorgas to get the job, and his Apostleship will lead to disaster.

He's not the Messiah, he's just a very naughty apostle.

Criticisms of Iscarglio, the "Argentinian" apostle, centre on his aggressive and dictatorial nature, his dodgy financial transactions (involving an unexplained donation of 30 pieces of silver), his attempts to rewrite Christian teaching on marriage, his refusal to discuss doctrine with his dubious colleagues, even his encouragement of Cardinal Maccabees the serial sex-criminal.

Like his Master, Jorgas consorts with publicans and sinners, but unlike Him he tells them "Keep it up, you're doing a grand job. Who am I to judge?" When one notorious sinner, Bono the Tuneless, came to see him, explaining that he was pro-abortion, and was backed by a very dodgy group, Iscarglio merely replied, "U2?"

Attempts are already being made to declare Jorgas a saint.

Henry the Sire-enian believes it will end badly for Jorgas, and he may be right.

"Eat up your greens!" says Pope Francis

Pope Francis has given us the definitive - indeed Magisterial - message of today's Gospel about the feeding of the 5000. OUT go all references to Jesus feeding us, to bread, to any spiritual aspects of this miracle. But IN comes...

"Eat up your greens! Or do something else with them."

Coming soon is the Pope Francis Recipe Book, with a whole chapter on what to do with your leftover fish and bread. Eat it yourself ("we never thought of that"), turn it into something different ("if we had some roast beef, we could make it into roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, if we had some Yorkshire pudding"), give it to the poor ("Fish and bread? You joking, guv? The Anglicans are offering us gluten-free vegetarian unleaded low-fat hummus and soya fritters")... The possibilities are endless.

This should really be part of our "How to be a good pope" series. How to preach a sermon on the Feeding of the 5000 without saying anything that might offend the non-religious.

Over in Eccleston Square, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have a better idea:

No message from the American bishops, who are all at McCarrick's farewell party.

Yes, that makes sense. Each Apostle was given a "goody bag", or, more precisely a "goody basket" of leftovers. Most of them didn't want any more food, and gave their share to Judas Iscariot.

Cardinal Dolan Judas Iscariot, after eating 12 baskets of fish and bread.

Anyway, back to Pope Francis, and his message about leftover food. Remember to eat up your greens, don't leave food on the side of your plate, or, if you really can't finish the food, turn it into something different. Eccles cakes?

Oh, and don't mention Jesus. I did, but I think I got away with it.

Henry Tudor stripped of papal knighthood

The news from 1533.

Henry Tudor, the king and former Catholic apologist, has been stripped of his papal knighthood following his reception into the Anglican church. Tudor, whose book Why Catholics are right brought him into favour with Pope Leo X a dozen years ago, also won the coveted Fidei Defensor award, which he is so far refusing to return.

Henry Tudor celebrating "pride".

Tudor's main disagreement with the Catholic Church seems to be over its moral teachings, which, if he had been paying attention, he might have known about from the start. He has recently published a book celebrating his apostasy, with the title Epiphany. It is thought that he chose the title because Epiphany is naturally associated with gold, frankincense and myrrh, and Tudor is expecting to receive large quantities of loot from the sales of his book.

Judas Iscariot, also stripped of a papal knighthood.

It is thought that the first person to be stripped of a papal knighthood was Mr Judas Iscariot, who spectacularly fell out with Pope Peter. Although he had the grace to return his 30 pieces of silver, he maintained until the end that he was entitled to use the "Apostle" title, if not the label "Saint". Moreover, his book Why Christ is right (popularly known as the Gospel of Judas) was highly-regarded at one time, although these days people prefer to read Michael Coren's works.

Fr James Martin turns down prestigious award

In a surprising move, Fr James Martin SJ, the world's most prominent Catholic, has turned down the offer of a prestigious award from the New Ways Ministry, a group that rejects the moral teachings of the Catholic Church.

Fr James Martin SJ, a known pillar of orthodoxy.

In declining to accept the Judas Iscariot Prize for betraying Christianity, Fr Martin was apparently worried that accepting it would have brought shame upon the Jesuits, an organization that has long been known for its honest teaching, straight dealing, and reliable theology. "We Jesuits have a reputation to keep up," he insisted. "It's all very well saying that we want to see a lesbian pope giving birth to children while occupying the throne of St Peter, but at the end of the day we must accept that St Ignatius of Loyola never actually expressed such sentiments."

St Ignatius, another known pillar of orthodoxy.

Fr James Martin has in the past been known for floating unusual ideas on Twitter, in a spirit of comedy; it is thought that the New Ways people may somehow have taken some of these seriously, and thereby got the impression that he was a rebel against Catholic teaching. For example, consider the following recent Martin joke:

Fr James has an almost Chestertonian gift for paradox.

Still, all is not lost for the Oscar Wilde de nos jours. He still has the much-coveted Giles Award for Comedy to put in his trophy case.

Has Kate Bottley had a lousy press?

In a television programme In The Footsteps Of Kate, to be shown on Good Friday, Judas Iscariot examines theories about what led the "Rev" Kate Bottley to betray Christ.

Kate Bottley - not as wicked as we first thought?

Traditionally, Fr Kate has been regarded as a buffoon who danced in church and later sold her soul to Channel 4's Gogglebox for a sum estimated at "30 pieces of silver". Certainly, there are some who think of her as a "disciple gone wrong". Mr Iscariot, however, feels a certain sympathy for this poor woman. "This is not to say 'Oh Kate, she's all right really', what we are saying is perhaps there is something else to this character than the dancing, the left-wing bigotry, and the dreadful TV show" he said.

Cain slaying Abel. But he wasn't just a murderer.

In an article in the Radio Times "Nick" Baines, Anglican bishop of Leeds, West Yorkshire, the Dales, and the Northern Powerhouse, re-appraises Cain. "I feel a bit sorry for Cain," he says. "He's gone down in history as a murderer, but we tend to forget his skills as a gardener, and the fact that he was a loving father to Enoch."

"Am I my brother's keeper?"

Fr Kate agrees. "I travelled to Mesopotamia. You have to look really hard to find anything about Cain, he's a really shadowy figure, even when you go to the place where he killed Abel, you have to look really hard to find any reference to him."

Yes, it is time we re-appraised all these people: Cain, Judas, Nick, and Kate. Perhaps after all they are not as bad as we thought.

Catholic Church to accept Gospel of Judas

For the first time since the 4th Century AD, the Catholic Church has agreed to add a new book to the Bible, namely the gnostic Gospel of Judas. This book, which consists of informal conversations between Our Lord and the disciple Judas Iscalfariot, contains new and exciting teaching that in places seems to contradict what we learn from the rest of the Bible.

Iscalfariot, or possibly St Jerome of Corbyn

According to Our Lord's new teaching, as reported by Iscalfariot, marriage is no great shakes, really, and adultery is nothing to worry about. Certainly remarried divorcees should be admitted to Communion: the only question is whether it is really appropriate to admit those married couples who quarrel occasionally but have not yet taken the Christian way out - divorce.

With the Catholic Church accepting the Gospel of Judas, the question arises whether other Christian denominations will follow suit. The Anglicans, in fact, are way ahead of the Catholics, as they all believe unquestioningly in the very exciting 39 Articles: of these, one - "the Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction" - is now becoming very popular among certain Catholic bishops as well.

"I heard that."

---

In other news, Cardinal Walter Kasper is due to give a lecture in Durham tomorrow, as part of the Tablet's 175th anniversary celebrations. Many of Walter Kasper's most loyal fans are bitterly disappointed to hear this news - saying that being associated with the Tablet may well harm the good cardinal's reputation as a pillar of orthodoxy.

"The Tablet? Are you sure that it's a totally orthodox magazine?"

A similar problem arose when pianist and composer Stephen Hough was commissioned to write a piano sonata for the Tablet's anniversary. We have not heard the piece yet, but we understand that it is programmatic in style, beginning with music that is strongly Catholic in flavour, based on Gregorian chant, and then suddenly degenerating in the last few bars into a depiction of Chaos and Hell. What could he possibly have been trying to say?

"This bit depicts a Witches' Sabbath."

Hilary Mantel rewrites the New Testament

After the runaway success of "Wolf Hall" with its novel thesis that Thomas Cromwell was a hero and that the nasty Catholic St Thomas More was a villain, the great Dame Hilary Mantel is said to be working on a new novel "Goat Hall". We shall explain the title later.

A powerful King with a beard.

In "Goat Hall", there is a powerful King with a beard, this time called Jesus, who is surrounded by warring subjects. One of these is Peter, who although revered nowadays as a saint and martyr, was in fact the first Catholic, and therefore automatically "not respectable". (Apologies to our readers from other denominations: you may wish to point out that Peter was also the first Anglican, the first Lutheran, the first Methodist, and the first Calvary Chapel worshipper. Clearly, he was not the first Baptist: that was John.)

The hero of Hilary Mantel's "Goat Hall" is of course Judas Iscariot, who most historians think of as one of the most repulsive villains of that time. Luckily Dame Hilary is there to put them straight: she points out that he was on excellent terms with the King, and on one memorable occasion gave him an affectionate kiss.

Proof that Judas was on good terms with the King.

After the Resurrection, Peter disappears to an obscure administrative position in Rome, where he eventually meets his come-uppance. The novel focuses more on the fate of its hero Judas. Did he hang himself, or was he murdered? Is the reference to his bowels gushing forth a sign that he was poisoned by jealous Catholics?

It is confidently expected that the book, and its dramatization as a TV series, together with "Goat Hall" souvenir mugs and tee-shirts, will make at least 30 pieces of silver for Dame Hilary's MANTELTRASH® company; moreover, she will no doubt win even more ludicrous prizes and awards on the strength of it.

So all that remains is to explain the title of the book.

A Judas goat leading lambs to the slaughter. Or Hilary Mantel leading her readers.

The Apostle Judas Isconry resigns in shame

Jerusalem, AD 30

One of the country's twelve most senior clergy, Apostle Judas Isconry, today declared himself "relieved" that his secret was finally out. For months he had been "having a relation" with the chief priests, and in the end the fact that he had sold out for thirty pieces of silver became only too clear. After Jesus had been betrayed by Judas, He staged a surprise comeback, and promptly went to the Daily Mail (editor: St Matthew the Evangelist), which duly printed the whole story. However, Isconry insists that he is not resigning over his affair with the chief priests, but over an earlier relationship (believed to involve a man with horns and cloven hooves).

Bishop Isconry caught by a Daily Mail photographer.

Bishop Isconry has now resigned his position as apostle, and his future is very uncertain. Said his senior colleague, St Peter, "Who are we to judge? The bastard betrays Christ, thinks of nothing but his own personal desires, and has caused untold distress to the folk for whom he was supposed to be a spiritual father. Give him a break!"

The Bishop himself was at pains to stress that he had at no time shown hypocrisy by preaching against the world, the flesh and the Devil. Indeed, many people, hearing his words, had wondered whether he was really an apostle at all. Moreover, he did not encourage Confession, for if he'd gone to Confession himself, it would have given the whole game away.

The fruits of Bishop Isconry's ministry.

The big question now is "How much did the other apostles know?" Could the Apostle Cormac himself really not have known about Judas's double life? Was the "Protect the Messiah" blog suppressed by the Archangel Michael because its author persisted in revealing embarrassing truths? Why did St Damian the Spectator not bother to investigate when he heard rumours about Judas - was it because they were not yet officially confirmed by Twitter? Does St Catherine the Popehater really think that an adherence to traditional rules is at the root of the problem? Indeed, should apostles be allowed to take wives - other people's wives, that is? Well this is all very sordid, so let's finish with a charming picture of a saint.

St Kieran the contrite says "I like a wine with body..."

---

On an unrelated matter a reader, Mr Hilaire Belloc, writes:

Young Kieran was a naughty lad
Whose mischief made his parents sad:
For in Confession he would lie
And make up sins. The priest would sigh:
"Young lad, you say you've killed your aunt,
And eaten her - I cannot grant
You absolution for this sin:
Two hours ago, your aunt dropped in!
She showed no signs of being eaten."
The wicked lad was soundly beaten!

Sorry, ran out of ideas at this point. The plan was that he would become a bishop and get involved in an adulterous affair. But nobody would believe it, would they? H.B.

Pope Francis hears how well the English bishops are performing.

Westboro Baptist Church Ecumenical Events

My fellow saved Baptists,

This week sees a truly solemn occasion, the funeral of the actor Robin Williams. In a spirit of ecumenism we shall be sending representatives along to the event, with a message of condolence: "Burn in Hell you rotten faggot". As you may know, our researches have shown that Mr Williams led a double life as a homosexual club-owner, until he was exposed in a film called The Birdcage. Our investigations have also shown that he used to infiltrate himself into people's houses as a transvestite housekeeper - an activity specifically forbidden in the book of Leviticus.

Hell has a special circle for transvestite housekeepers.

Looking further ahead, we are starting to think of Christmas. Yes, it's the Panto season, and this year the Khilafa Players have promised us a real treat - Aladdin and his Magic Lamp! We shall be sending a party along to the first night at the Alhambra Theatre, and we're all looking forward to seeing Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in the role of Widow Twanky. When he comes on we shall arise as one - though there may be as many as two of us - and burn down the theatre, for GOD HATES PANTOMIME DAMES. They stimulate unnatural carnal desires, don't they? Well, they did in Pastor Fred Phelps, bless his memory.

A source of unnatural carnal desires.

Finally, we are already making plans for next Lent, when the Westboro Episcopalian Church, St Thomas Cromwell's, will be putting on a passion play. This is going to portray several EVIL characters, and so we shall be involved in the production in a generally offensive capacity. For example, JUDAS - although non-Baptists love him - was a ROTTEN SKUNK, so any actor who attempts to portray him on stage had better watch out. Worse than Judas was PETER - who some say was the first pope, i.e., a CATHOLIC, i.e., worse even than FAGS! When Peter comes on he'd better watch out for hisses, boos, and a shower of rotten tomatoes!

Actually, there's nobody here that we Westboro Baptists can approve of!

Death to the infidel! And that means anyone who wasn't in church this morning!

Jim Phelps (Pastor),
The Impossible Mission,
Westboro.

Scalfarius interviews Jesus

Galilee, 30 A.D.

Many people will know of me as the leading journalist of the Roman Empire, and founder of the newspaper Res Publica. I spoke to Jesus of Nazareth shortly after his famous Sermon on the Mount, and what He had to say will shock you.

Sorry, my hearing aid's been broken for years.

I interviewed Jesus under the best possible circumstances: I refused to record the interview, or to take notes, and my hearing aid was broken, so I couldn't hear Him either. In fact most of the time I hid in a cupboard, so as to resist the temptation to try and lip-read the Messiah. Nonetheless, I can tell you exactly what He said, even though He spoke Aramaic, a language unknown to me.

Jesus told me that He is very keen on an all-female priesthood, and that the all-male priesthood favoured by Jewish tradition was simply a mistake. He had given the keys of Heaven to Petra, an ambitious young lady that He had met somewhere, and she was going to become the first Holy Mother.

St Petra shows off the keys to Heaven (ringed).

Jesus is well-known for saying "I came not to judge the world, but to save it." He expanded on this theme to me, explaining that old-fashioned notions of Good and Evil were now redundant. "If a man wishes to commit theft, murder, adultery or even bear a little false witness, who am I to judge? Who is my Father to judge? No, just SMILE, that's all I ask my disciples to do."

Smile, Francis! Football's only a game!

Evidently, reports of Jesus's teachings from journalists such as Matthew, Mark, Luke and John have got things completely wrong. They claimed that Jesus believed that one of the Twelve would betray Him, but in fact what He said to me was "Do you know that 8.333333% of my disciples are perverts?" Trust me, I'm a Tablet journalist, would I make up something like that?

Well, there are many other things Jesus said to me (such as "Why are you hiding in that cupboard?") but I think I have given the essence of his character: a quiet man, who merely wants to be left alone, with simple hobbies such as climbing mountains, messing about in boats, and sometimes riding on donkeys. I would say that He was probably an atheist, like myself, and that all that He wishes to do is to undermine religion, as I do.

Simply messing about in boats (or out of them).

© Large Scale Fairy Stories inc.

The diary of a nobody

June 4th. Represented Ballydancer in a hurling match. The aim was to hurl as many insults at the Vatican as possible in 90 minutes. I managed to keep ranting for the whole period without taking a breath. "Well done, Father Flummery!" said the spectators.

Ladies' hurling. Of course the Vatican wants to stop it.

June 5th: Still in a state of open warfare with the Vatican. Went to the Ballydancer post office to collect my mail - they won't deliver it to the house since I poured a plate of Irish stew over the postman, mistaking him for my bishop.

My letter of complaint to Pope Benedict has been returned, marked "Gone away!" Apparently there's a new pope, called Francis. They kept that one a secret didn't they? I expect they did that to confuse me and my secret society CRAP - The Catholic Revolutionary Association of Priests.

The new Pope (in front, with giant fish). But nobody told Tony Flummery, did they?

June 6th: Read the Tablet. Very good, as is the National Catholic Reporter. They're taking up my case against the Vatican. "Justice for Flummery!" suggested that nice woman, Catherine Peppermint. They also suggest writing to Basil Loftus, who can always be relied on to say something to irritate Catholics.

June 7th: I am a great admirer of Enda Life, our Taoiseach, so I went into the street with a banner "Enda Life for Jesus." Enda's a fine Gael, the finest you ever saw. My brother Frankenstein works for him, you know. At the moment we are all campaigning for lots of lovely abortion in Ireland - if that doesn't annoy Pope Benedict Francis, I don't know what else will!

Enda Kenny plays "When Irish eyes are smiling" on a giant tin of shoe-polish.

June 8th: Spent the day working on my latest book, Judas Iscariot - the first rebel against the Vatican. The man was an inspiration to us all.

June 9th (Sunday): Said Mass at Ballydancer. It seems that there is a new translation of the Missal. It's terrible. I got as far as "consubstantial with the Father" and then fell to the ground in a fit, foaming at the mouth. It seems that I'll be spending next week in the Ballydancer Infirmary. I'll bet that the Vatican doesn't send anyone round with grapes.

Someone fixed this to my hospital bed! I suspect the CDF.

No gossip please!

Galilee, AD 32. The Man known as "Our Lord" has spoken out against the temptations to gossip: it is believed that He was referring particularly to recent work by those well-known religious bloggers Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

St Matthew the blogger, with another scoop.

Several news items first revealed in religious blogs are known to have irritated Our Lord. For example, St Matthew posted an in-depth investigation of His ancestry, tracing it back to King David - his blog post "Jesus the Toff" is considered to be in bad taste, challenging as it does Our Lord's claims to be born of quite humble origins, and certainly not as well-off as, say, Owen Jones.

Another gossipy post "What happened to the gold?" reveals that Our Lord's father accepted gifts from three wise men on His behalf, and promptly decamped to Egypt in order to avoid having to declare them on his tax return - ironically, he was only in Bethlehem for tax reasons in the first place.

The Magi Circle - is their loot now in an Egyptian bank vault?

St Luke the blogger is also known to have offended Our Lord, by tactlessly revealing details of the famous "Jerusalem" incident, when He was 12 years old and played truant. It was claimed that He was found three days later, asking questions of some mysterious "doctors" in the temple.

Even St John the blogger, who is generally regarded as being particularly close to Our Lord, has not scrupled to spread gossip about Him. Most recently, Our Lord has been accused of stealing a donkey and riding it into Jerusalem. Some people have also been shocked to learn that He washed His associates' feet. (It seems that He did not wash any women's feet, because it is generally considered unchivalrous to suggest that a woman's feet are dirty...)

Is this linked with the vandalism of a row of palm trees?

Other church leaders have repeated Our Lord's criticism of gossip. Most recently, Archbishop Judas Iscariot has preached a sermon condemning religious blogs. Some malicious bloggers have retaliated by suggesting that ++Judas has something to hide - for example, there are persistent rumours of dodgy financial transactions involving a sum of as much as 30 pieces of silver.

Two wealthy Arabs, in traditional costume, watch events with interest.

As St Mark, another leading blogger, put it, "Writing blogs is generally thought to be a sure way to get on the fast track to sainthood. But if it is going to be condemned at the highest level, then I may give it up, and take to travelling. I've always wanted to see Alexandria."

Alexandria: disillusioned bloggers visit the lighthouse.

Honours flood in for Giles Fraser

After his wonderful Hero of the Year award from Stonewall - their most coveted award actually going to Cardinal Keith O'Brien for his defence of traditional marriage - other distinguished organizations have rushed to honour the BBC's Giles Fraser.

Giles Fraser: "Totally and utterly delighted, proud and made up."

First off the mark was the Dawkins Foundation, which, in awarding Fraser their Atheist of the year medal, explained, "Whenever Giles opens his mouth on Thought for the Day, hundreds of Christians either shoot themselves, or turn atheist. Seeing a priest of the Established Church whose religious beliefs are so vague does wonders for our cause."

"Dear Dr Fraser, you've probably never heard of me, but I am a great admirer of yours."

Another, less welcome, tribute came in from the Jimmy Savile Fan Club, whose motto is Nunc tunc, nunc tunc (Now then, now then!) "Were Jimmy alive today," they said, "we are sure that he would be an admirer of Giles Fraser. Dr Fraser is one of the stars of the BBC."

Jimmy Savile, himself, was willing to mix with the dregs of society.

Finally, the Society of Saint Judas Iscariot (SSJI), a breakaway Christian sect which believes that Judas should not be blamed, as he was only doing God's will, has also paid tribute to Giles Fraser. "He's only doing God's will," they said today.

Judas, a regular speaker on Thought for the Day.