This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 26 September 2023

Marko Rupnik to participate in the Great Synod

In an unusual exercise of papal authority, Pope Francis has appointed the distinguished artist Fr Marko Rupnik (sometimes referred to as "Master of the Pope's Art", "The Artist Laureate", and "My Pal Marko who does those weird paintings") to the Secret Synod on Synodality.

Rupnik picture

From the Synod web page. Unusually, for a Rupnik, every person here has exactly two eyes.

Rupnik has of course been much in the news for his highly original activities, unsuitable for listing on a family blog that is read by nuns, children and Cardinal "TouchMe" Fernández. But since the Pope has also appointed Messrs. Zanchetta, Grassi, Barros and McCarrick to the distinguished membership of the synod, there is no danger of Maestro Marko feeling lonely.

It has coincidentally also been decided that the synod will be held behind closed doors, with just the occasional news bulletin to tell us what has been decided. Will it be lesbian priests? Transgender bishops (in addition to the ones we have already)? A banning of the Vernacular Mass to match the banning of the Latin Mass? Place your bets now.

secret synod

We shall not see much of what is going on at the synod.

Some critics are unhappy with the favour shown to Marko Rupnik, but the great man is sure to offer the Church many new insights on sexual relations. Anyway, in the words of the "Where Pacha Is" blog - Pope Francis is always right, even when he's wrong.

In fact, it's thought that Pope Francis, having tormented the faithful with Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and much else, is running out of ways to stamp his personality on the Catholic Church, and this was the best he could do.

Well, the ground's in tip-top condition, and we can look forward to some first-rate synodal sport in the next few weeks. Let's finish off with one of my favourite paintings (from the Rupnik exhibition currently being held in the Ivereigh Gallery, Little-Scribbler-on-the-Moan).

Rupnik trash

The drunken custard-pie addict and his optically-challenged friends are back!

Friday 15 September 2023

Fr Spadaro takes up education

Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.

HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson so that we can see how modern education works.

Pope and Spadaro

The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.

AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums. What is 2 plus 2, can anyone tell me?

Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.

AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.] Someone else?

[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]

AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be. Got that?

[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]

AS: Let's try Physics. What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?

[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]

AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!

Ivereigh's tweet

And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!

AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?

Child 2: Jesus, sir!

AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!! Jesus is indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused. What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society. Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.

[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]

AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!

Spadaro rigid

Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day.

[Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]

Saturday 9 September 2023

More about "Come Forth"

Disclaimer: when I last wrote about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ's new book, I thought I was joking when I said that "Come Forth" meant "Come Out" in the sense of "Stop suppressing your sexual urges, get your pants off, and come to the next Pride meeting!" But it seems that he did indeed mean this (plus a lot of nonsense about Lazarus being the disciple that Jesus loved). So I will try and do a better review.

Jim and scream

My apologies to Fr Jim!

Extensive research (oh, at least 10 minutes) has shown that many of Jesus's sayings have double meanings.

Thanks to Fr Antonio "2+2=5" Spadaro we now know that Jesus was not always a cosy comfortable ice-cream eating Bidenite Catholic, but that He started His ministry as a nasty callous climate-denying rigid neo-Trumpian orange-haired brute. It was only after meeting the Canaanite woman (we don't have a name for her, but it was probably Nancy) that He became aware that His mission was to become a liberal LGBTQ-supporting Jesuit.


Could this be the Canaanite woman?

Once Jesus had been put on the correct path, Fr Jim tells us that He said many things which have been misinterpreted by theologians over the last 2000 years. Luckily Jimbo is here to put us straight! (Not the right word, but never mind.)

He that is without sin among you: let him cast the first stone. This is a great saying. It basically tells us that you can do what you like and nobody can criticise. Of course some people - such as the Pope, Jesuits, left-wing politicians, etc. ARE without sin, so if you find stones coming through your roof, you can be sure that they know about you.

Synodists (without sin) get fit for some stone-throwing.

I am the Alpha and the Omega. This quotation from the Book of Revelation shows that Jesus was already encouraging us to indicate our sexual preferences by letters. Nowadays we would say "I am the Lambda, the Gamma, the Beta, and the Tau" or "LGBT" for short. Similarly, modern theologians no longer speak of a Trinitarian god, but a non-binary God.

LGBT in Greek

Was this the real message of Revelation?

Get thee behind me, Satan! This an invitation to LGBT-obsessed priests to get lost. Oh, sorry, this one isn't in Fr Jim's book. My mistake.

Tuesday 5 September 2023

Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

Genghis Khan

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Ivan the terrible

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.