This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 29 January 2022

Freedom convoy approaches Rome

The "Freedom convoy" of trucks, travelling towards Rome to demonstrate against the restrictions on the Traditional Latin Mass imposed by the edict Traditionis Custodes and its sequel, the Made-up Dubia of Arthur Roche, is making good progress. Within a day or two it will be driving round St Peter's Square, honking its horns in a Gregorian Chant.

truck convoy

The convoy approaches the Alps.

Said one long-distance driver, Joe Shaw of Oxford, "When you're on the road for long periods of time, you need to be able to stop occasionally for a TLM. And now this is becoming very difficult for us truckers."

Prime Minister Francis has dismissed the demonstration, saying "The small fringe minority of people who are on their way to Rome hold unacceptable views. These do not represent the views of the Catholic Church, which has been around since Vatican II. Following the New Scientific Mass is the best way to Build Back Better."

Jerry Kaywell

A priest invites those stressed by the convoy to breath in and breath out at Mass.

Others have been more forthright in their condemnation of the demonstration. Ivereigh Towers, the faithful attack poodle of Francis, is in no doubt that the Traditional Latin Mass is a sin and needs to be condemned as such. With his usual sensitivity, he has described those who prefer the order and consistency of the TLM to the "make it up as we go along, let's do some heavy breathing now" seen in some Novus Ordo services, as "oddballs". These apparently include the introverted and Asperger's sufferers ("oddballs" is a sensitive term much used by psychiatrists). Somehow he forgot to use the word "fascists" but that will be in his next piece.

Arthur Roche

"Convoy sighted. Missals Missiles ready, lads!"

Late news: Uncle Arthur Roche, the Yorkshire terrier turned CDW supremo, is driving a bus of TC supporters to meet the convoy. Since he insists on facing his passengers at all times, he is finding it hard to steer the bus in a straight line. So no change there.

Wednesday, 26 January 2022

The Book of Covidicus 23: let him eat cake!

Continued from Chapter 22.

1. So the new year dawned, and the children of Bri-tain forgot the plague and worried instead about the wild parties attended by Bo-sis.

2. For the street of Downing had been a land flowing with wine and cheese.

3. But the Sages continued to prophesy the end of the world, as did the models of Neil, Son of Fergus.

4. Yet the people refused to die any faster than they had before. So Bo-sis decided to bring an end to Plan B.

5. From now on, it would be possible to enter the grand halls without a vixen, and to rob banks without a mask; and nobody needed to be tested more than five times a day.

6. So the people looked out to more distant parts of the world. For the Russites were ready to fight the Ukrainites.

Russian soldiers

All is well - the Russites are wearing masks.

7. However, there were far more urgent problems to worry the children of Bri-tain.

8. For on all corners the cry went up "Did Bo-sis eat a cake?"

9. For many this was a step too far, and the cry went up for Bo-sis to resign, and be replaced by Su-nak, or the Lady Truss. Or even Keir of the Starmerites.

10. And at this time Cam-aaron appeared once more, dressed in strange vestments like unto a merchant from Dodji. And the people were sore afraid.

David Cameron

Mayhap Bo-sis was not so bad after all.

11. Then a very aged man called Hess El-Tine was summoned from the dead to say that Bo-sis should go, and that this would open the can that containeth worms.

12. For then, he said, Brexodus should end; that is, the children of Bri-tain should return to EUgypt.

13. So for several weeks the children of Bri-tain talked of little else except parties and cakes.

Boris and cake

"Cake? What cake?"

To be continued.

Tuesday, 18 January 2022

Church Malicious exposes the Apostles!

Welcome to Church Malicious, where lies and falsehoods are trapped and exposed! Or at least they were until we all went mad a few months ago. Never mind, we have some other ideas.

Michael Fabricant

Michael's getting angry!

This piece is a joint effort from the Vorticists, and today we are going to expose the base tyranny of Cardinal Cupich. Only, joking folks! No, as usual we are going to pick on some supposedly harmless group and expose it as a hotbed of creeps, perverts, and weirdos. No wonder they never let us join them!

The Apostles! We can reveal that "Saint" Paul's life was not as saintly as you might think. No, at the time when Stephen was being stoned, what did he do? Sit down and write a blog moaning about it? Pull the other one! (You can let go of it now, Milo!) No, we can reveal that, under the alias of Saul, he collected the coats of those who were doing the stoning. Check it in the Bible if you don't believe our scoop!

We have come across several priests who are fans of St Paul. You can be sure that they are also coat-fetishists with a penchant for stoning people. DO THEIR BISHOPS KNOW THIS?

Death on the Niles

Why did so many people die when St Paul went on his travels?

Another man who hid under an alias was Simon/Peter, a regular jailbird in those days. He was known for denying Christ! So avoid anyone who tries to defend this wicked man!

These Church Malicious scoops are not the only ones we have up our sleeves - for a mere $10,000/year subscription you can subscribe to our premium service, entitling you to a FREE Voris wig, a personal massage from Milo, and a ground-breaking exposé of any hitherto-respectable organization of your choice: the Mothers' Union, the Little Sisters of the Poor, The Samaritans, St Vincent De Paul Society, ... we've got mud to throw at all of them!

You will also learn more about the Apostles! What sort of doctor was Luke really like? Was Barnabas really "a good man, and full of the Holy Spirit and of faith" or was he actually a serial killer? And as for St Mark. If we say "pulling the legs off hamsters" does that give you a clue to his secret life?

Vorticism

We shall sue the Vorticists for using our name - or we would if they were still alive.

Follow the Vortex, as our reputation goes down the plughole!

Tuesday, 11 January 2022

Doing the Synod Walk

Following a document circulated by the USCCB explaining the "attitudes" required for "walking the synodal path", we felt it helpful to write a chorus you can sing as you do the Synod Walk. For those who don't know the music, there is this. It's at least as good as Marty Haugen's stuff!

Synodal attitudes

USCC-B-attitudes to replace to old Beatitudes.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,1
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

1. In fact, all day long for several years.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,2
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk.

2. Of course LGBT couples are also welcome.

Ev'rything's free3 and easy,
Do as you darn well pleasey,4
Why don't you make your way there,
Go there, stay there.

3. For financial advice, please consult Cardinal Becciu.
4. Offer does not apply to traditional forms of worship.

Once you get down Synod way,
Ev'ry evening, ev'ry day,
You'll find yourself
Doin' the Synod walk.

Anytime you're Synod way
Any evening, any day,
You'll find us all
Doin' the Synod walk.

Ev'ry little Synod gal
With her little Synod pal,
You'll find 'em all
Doin' the Synod walk!

Crackpot sign

"We're on the right road, brothers!

But let's be serious now.

Innovative outlook! Inclusivity! Open-mindedness! Listening! Accompaniment! Co-responsibility! Dialogue!

These form the new mission statement for USCCB Inc., the company that cares about YOU. Our USCCB values also include the following:

Thinking outside the box! Picking the low-hanging fruit! Getting our ducks in a row! Synergizing! Blue sky thinking! Drinking the Kool-Aid! Making sure we have the bandwidth! Going ahead to address the elephant in the room!

Sorry, guys, but Faith! Hope! Charity! Fortitude! Justice! Temperance! and Prudence! are SO pre-Francis!


LATE NEWS: after inviting comments on Twitter, and receiving a deluge of mocking, hostile responses, the USCCB closed off replies. This is how synods work.

Saturday, 8 January 2022

Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Reese and his mates

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

R2D2

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Cupich and Martin

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

nutter at White House

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.

Thursday, 6 January 2022

Is Pope Francis a Trad?

A Happy Epiphany to you all from me and Pope Francis. Most of the Catholic Church, and many Protestants, agree that January 6th is the correct date. But what is this?

January 2nd or 6th

A vicious attack on Pope Francis.

Mr Potato Head (as some people insist on calling him - not my invention) of the Where Pacha Is website was doing so well in his worship of Pope Francis, and this is really a turn-up for the books. Apparently, the American Devout Catholic Church preferred to cut short the twelve days of Christmas and celebrate the arrival of the three kings while they were still at the Royal Dead Sea Hotel, four days from Bethlehem.

This is modernism of which Pope Francis would approve, but of course he has not yet got round to moving all the important religious dates to Sunday (he is still wondering whether Good Friday should be conflated with Palm Sunday or Easter Sunday). So the Holy Father is clearly a Trad!

Dolan and Rockettes

Not being sure what to do, I sent Cardinal Dolan only four ladies dancing, not nine.

Pope Francis's most recent doctrinal proclamation was an attack on crazy cat women, pointing out that by and large children are better than kittens, at least if they don't grow up liking the Traditional Mass. For one thing, they don't often bring dead mice and birds into the home.

Unfortunately, this may not be in total accord with the teachings of Mr PH.

Eat up your boiled cabbage

Advice on child care?

Wise words indeed, but I am not sure what it means in the context of spoiled children. Mr PH is right of course in that the Catholic Church is now 50 years old - we have the Old Testament of 1965 to 2013, and the New Testament of 2013 to 2020 and beyond - but this is the first time I have seen the Novus Ordo compared to a plate of boiled cabbage.

Pope and false teeth

"Arthur Roche was so shocked that his false teeth fell out. Come and get them, Arthur!"