This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 31 July 2018

God admits "I knew what McCarrick was up to"

We have seen a succession of implausible denials from Cardinals Wuerl, Farrell, Cupich, etc. that they knew that (ex-)Cardinal "Uncle Ted" McCarrick was anything other than a saintly being destined to be canonized soon after shuffling off his mortal coil. They never knew. They were shocked. Why weren't they told?

We have seen attacks from Martin, Rosica, Winters, Mickens, ... blaming any Catholics who do not happen to be homosexual for using the Tedgate affair to question the ethics of the St Gallen Mafia, the USCCB Gay Mafia, the Jesuits, the Pope, etc. They're all traddies. They go to Latin Masses. Some of them don't like Amoris Laetitia. Burn them!

We have seen total silence from the Pope himself, but since he lives his life without television, newspapers, internet, post, or friends, he cannot be expected to be aware that there is anything to worry about.

Pope and McCarrick

"Ted! How's tricks?"

Finally, God the Father has stepped up to the post and admitted that He, at least, knew perfectly well what McCarrick was up to. When asked why He had not stepped in to stop it with a bit of smiting - say a well-placed lightning bolt - the Almighty explained that in these Novum Testamentum days, smiting is out of fashion, and it's Mercy that's the Flavour of the Aeon.

Jubilee Year of Mercy

"But I didn't design that dreadful Logo," explained God.

God is well-known for His reluctance to give direct answers to questions (or "dubia") submitted to Him in prayer. These include:
1. Is this it?
2. How do you do what you do to me?
3. What kind of fool am I?
4. Should I stay or should I go?
5. Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight? [Perhaps it was a mistake to add this one.]

Austen Ivereigh's finest hour

"Is there no bomb in Gilead?" Another good question.

Nevertheless, the Almighty has promised to take action at the Day Of Judgement, and make things hot for some people. It's always hard to know who will end up as a sheep or a goat, but the general consensus seems to be that when the Dies Irae comes, Judas Iscariot, Nero, Henry VIII (sorry, Anglicans!), Hitler, and Sydney "Lord of the Dance" Carter went a bit too far in life, and will require good lawyers, or else a Surprise Redemption.

As for McCarrick, well we'll see...

Sunday 29 July 2018

"Eat up your greens!" says Pope Francis

Pope Francis has given us the definitive - indeed Magisterial - message of today's Gospel about the feeding of the 5000. OUT go all references to Jesus feeding us, to bread, to any spiritual aspects of this miracle. But IN comes...

Pope Francis message

"Eat up your greens! Or do something else with them."

Coming soon is the Pope Francis Recipe Book, with a whole chapter on what to do with your leftover fish and bread. Eat it yourself ("we never thought of that"), turn it into something different ("if we had some roast beef, we could make it into roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, if we had some Yorkshire pudding"), give it to the poor ("Fish and bread? You joking, guv? The Anglicans are offering us gluten-free vegetarian unleaded low-fat hummus and soya fritters")... The possibilities are endless.

This should really be part of our "How to be a good pope" series. How to preach a sermon on the Feeding of the 5000 without saying anything that might offend the non-religious.

Over in Eccleston Square, the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have a better idea:

CBCEW message

No message from the American bishops, who are all at McCarrick's farewell party.

Yes, that makes sense. Each Apostle was given a "goody bag", or, more precisely a "goody basket" of leftovers. Most of them didn't want any more food, and gave their share to Judas Iscariot.

Mr Creosote

Cardinal Dolan Judas Iscariot, after eating 12 baskets of fish and bread.

Anyway, back to Pope Francis, and his message about leftover food. Remember to eat up your greens, don't leave food on the side of your plate, or, if you really can't finish the food, turn it into something different. Eccles cakes?

Oh, and don't mention Jesus. I did, but I think I got away with it.

Friday 27 July 2018

English bishops to relax the dress code

In view of the extreme temperatures in London - "nearly as high as the last time it was this hot" - the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales have agreed that priests may relax their dress code - cassocks, chasubles, socks, whatever - for Mass this weekend.

rainbow leotard

A Jesuit priest models a rainbow leotard.

"If the Marylebone Cricket Club can do it, then why not us?" explained Cardinal Vincent Nichols, as he rummaged through his wardrobe for a scarlet mankini. "We take our faith nearly as seriously as those cricket fans."

However, there are limits on what priests will be allowed to wear on "Scorcher Sunday." A request from the archbishop of Great Tobin that he could wear a see-through nighty-nighty was turned down.

dancing priest

Maintaining standards. This priest insists on wearing full dress when he dances.

To get a wider view of the issue, we asked the American bishops their views on stripping off in hot weather. Farrell, Wuerl, Tobin and Cupich were unanimous: "We prefer to cover things up." What can they mean?

Wednesday 25 July 2018

"I've never even heard of McCarrick" says Cardinal Farrell

Today, in a new statement to journalist Cindy Wooden ("Wooden by name, wooden by nature"), Cardinal Kevin Farrell announced, "I've never even heard of Cardinal McCarrick."

"But you lived with him for six years. Er, not in the 'Biblical' sense, of course..."

"No, it's all lies. I may technically have been ordained by him, but I really don't remember him. I was too busy trying to look holy."

Looking holy.

"Isn't that a Father Ted joke?"

"Look, I never met Father Ted. Or Uncle Ted."

"But you served as his auxiliary bishop."

"Did I really? That seems very improbable."

"You have no memory of Uncle Ted at all?"

"No, you know how is it when you're a priest, you get to meet all sorts of people, even your own bishop, but you can't be expected to remember names and faces."

"So when Cardinal McCarrick was having carnal relations with half of the young men in Washington, you were totally unware of what was going on?"

"That's right. I never heard any gossip. Or mysterious screams in the night. Or complaints."

"Thank you, Cardinal Farrell, I'm so glad we've cleared that up."

"Can we talk about my new discovery that priests have no credibility? Anything to change the subject..."

"So you've never met Cardinal Farrell, Holy Father?"

Saturday 21 July 2018

Glasgow Caledonian appoints a new Catholic Chaplain

Following the sacking of Catholic chaplain Father Mark Morris by Glasgow Caledonian University for the crime of being too Catholic - in particular, holding a prayer service to seek "reparation for the gross offence to God which is Pride Glasgow" - GCU have finally found a replacement who sees no problem with Catholic priests parading in rainbow leotards if it helps to build bridges and promote equality and diversity, inclusivity, whips and leather accessories for all.

Mark Morris

Fr Mark - note the offensive painting behind him.

Cardinal "Ted" McCarrick of the St Gallen Mafia had offered his services, but it was felt that this would be a step too far, even for GCU. Besides, it will take another ten years or so for Catholic doctrine to evolve to a point where sexual abuse can be publicly supported (although several of the Pope's closest advisers are said to be "encouraging").

No, GCU has gone for a more respected figure, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ FBPE (we are not sure what the last one is about, but we think the F stands for "fruitcake"). Not only will he refuse to quote the Catholic Catechism on homosexual relations (let alone Biblical teaching on the subject), but he is a man whose Pride knows no bounds.

James Martin

Getting down with the youth...

Finally, Archbishop Tartaglia, the 40th successor of St Mungo, has complained in the strongest possible terms to the principal of GCU about the treatment of Fr Mark, "a totally orthodox priest, persecuted for upholding Catholic teaching". Only joking, folks!

Note for non-UK readers, Glasgow Caledonian University isn't a distinguished seat of learning, similar to Oxford and Cambridge, nor even a research-led university such as Liverpool or Bristol. It is one of a large number of lesser establishments that now call themselves universities - in this case it started life as Angus McPride's Haggis Parlour.

Thursday 19 July 2018

Diarmuid Martin punishes all his clergy

Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin has finally shaken off the labels "weak", "spineless" and "pathetic", which he has received so many times, and taken action. He has at last punished the entire clergy of his Archdiocese for affirming Catholic teaching.

It began quietly enough, when he disciplined Fr James Larkin for being dangerously pro-life. Fr Larkin had spoken against the Irish referendum, and pointed out that anyone who had voted "yes" (through ignorance, through weakness, through their own deliberate fault, as the Anglican Prayer Book puts it) should regard this as a sin and go to Confession.

Molesworth cartoon

Diarmuid Martin, Dublin's Iron Man.

Now, however, the good Archbishop has noticed that many of his priests are expressing dangerously pro-life attitudes; the others, less interested in the question whether babies in the womb should be dismembered, are still receiving confessions, or at least conducting masses in which the "Kyrie" is present. "Better be on the safe side," he said today, "and punish the lot of them."

There are of course difficulties in exiling several hundred priests to Craggy Island, or dumping them on the Loreto sisters in Rathfarnham, but the good archbishop is working hard to find a solution. The other problem is that Irish churches will no longer have priests to offer Mass: however, in the era of Diarmuid most Catholics have stopped attending church anyway, so this may not be a serious difficulty.

Varadkar and Diarmuid

Well done, thou good and faithful servant!

It is not known how Archbishop Martin himself voted on the 8th Amendment Referendum; at the time he made very vague pro-life noises, but obviously the whole point of the Catholic Church is that it should stay in step with whatever secular government is in power. Did not Jesus say "Render unto Caesar whatever he asks of you: God really isn't bothered"?

Many priests in the Dublin Archdiocese are angry with the archbishop for his decision to exile them. One at least has taken the matter into his own hands, or rather feet.

Kicking Bishop Brennan

The martrydom of Archbishop Diarmuid.

In view of the wide dislike for Dublin's spiritual leader expressed by ordinary Catholics, it cannot be long before Pope Francis makes him a cardinal. It worked for Cupich.

Sunday 15 July 2018

"Jesus has no credibility" says Cardinal Farrell

"Jesus is not the best person to advise people on marriage," explained Cardinal Kevin Farrell, Prefect of the Dicastery for Laity, Family and Life. "He has no credibility, He never lived the experience; He may be the Son of God, but to go from there to putting His Power into practice every day - He doesn't have that experience."

Some will find Cardinal Farrell's words controversial, although it is unlikely that Pope Francis will take any notice of them, let alone correct them. Cardinal Farrell (70) was appointed by Francis, along with Cardinal Tobin (66) and Cardinal Cupich (69), as one of a team of "Bright Young Cardinals" whose job was to drag the Catholic Church into the 1960s.

Tobin, Farrell, Cupich

The Three Musketeers (or do we mean Stooges?)

Jesus's views on marriage - broadly speaking, that it is an institution that involves one man and one woman for life - have already been much criticised, especially by fans of Amoris Laetitia, but Kevin Farrell is the first person to come out and explain how He could have got things so badly wrong.

"It is better if people being prepared for marriage ignore all that pre-Vatican II Biblical stuff," he continued, "and it is therefore more appropriate if they are prepared by someone who has been married before - perhaps several times - and preferably both to people of the same sex and the opposite sex. That way they can benefit from a full range of experiences."

Henry VIII

"Now take Henry VIII. The Anglicans have benefited from his wide experience of marriage!"

Cardinal Farrell went on to criticise the Ten Commandments, explaining that God had been "rather new at that game" when He drafted them, and had not committed any sins. "It would have been better if He had left things to Satan, who, after all, had much more personal experience of evil."

Many Catholic priests have been disturbed (not to say furious) at Kev the Rev's comments, asking themselves exactly what experience of marriage the good cardinal has himself had, to be able to speak out so authoritatively. As a result, they have constructed a giant balloon (blimp) in the form of Farrell, which is now flying above Rome, this being the "modern" way to express political disagreement.

Farrell blimp

The Farrell blimp watches over St Peter's Square.

Thursday 12 July 2018

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12.

1. It came to pass that, two years after the historic day on which the children of Bri-tain had spurned the advice of Cam-aaron and voted to leave the land of EU-gypt, there was finally enacted the Law of May-sis, by which she could start the journey into the wilderness.

2. Indeed, the mighty lords and ladies, who had fought all the way to prevent the Law from passing, had given way. Yeah, even the Lords K-enoch and Man-delilah, who had received many riches from EU-gypt.

3. For the people had said, "Who needeth these lords, anyway? Shall we not cast them into the Red Sea?" Which was a good question.

4. Finally the Royal Assent was given by the all-powerful Queen herself, Elisheba*, who signed any laws that came her way.

* A gold star for anyone who knows who Elisheba was.

Theresa May

May-sis hath won. Or hath she?

5. Thus finally May-sis and her closest advisers, known as Cabinet, were ready to decide the exact manner of leaving EU-gypt.

6. So she summoned her ministers to a weekend in the mighty palace that is called Chequers.

7. And those who had read the stories of Agape Christi said "I know what happeneth next. Someone is murdered, and no man knoweth who did the deed."

8. However, what befell was even worse.

9. For May-sis produced her plan for the Brexodus, which was very simple:

10. The children of Bri-tain would leave the land of EU-gypt, but continue to obey its laws, pay taxes to the Pharaoh Juncker, and send slaves to work in the fields.

11. Indeed, this was to be a "very soft Brexodus", if not an "invisible Brexodus".

12. But many men were exceeding wrathful at the plan. Thus, two mighty counsellors, King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, decided to quit the council of May-sis.

Boris and Davis

Making a Bexodus and a Dexodus.

13. As they explained: "Our departure from thy Cabinet means that for two years thou shalt see no difference, and, when we do leave, we shall continue to serve as before."

14. But it was not to be, and King David and Bo-sis made a hard exit, and were forced to sit on the Benches of the Back, where no man's voice is ever heard.

15. And the Ukipites spake saying, "If ye leave not EU-gypt, we shall send another plague of Farogs; for they are not dead, but sleeping."

16. While some in the Toryite party cried once more, "Give us Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

17. And those who saw the plight of May-sis whispered amongst themselves, saying "She is now like unto the Manna that hath been baked too long in the rays of the sun."


Could this be the fate of May-sis, as it was of Cam-aaron?

Continued in Chapter 14

Trouble with the Ealing Prayer Ban

After the High Court upheld Ealing Council's ban on prayer outside its flagship abortion clinic, Kildetots, police have been overwhelmed with incidents of alleged prayer, and all the cells are now full.

Boris and Rupa

"Cripes! You've been nabbed!"

One of the first to be arrested was the local MP, Rupa Huq, alias Huq the Rupa, who, walking past the abortuary, was heard to mutter the words "Bless you" when she saw a passer-by sneeze. She is expected to serve a long sentence for this act of explicit praying.

Another to be found in the cells is Julian Bell, leader of Ealing Council. He was seen to scratch his chest while walking past the slaughterhouse, and this was interpreted by a passing policeman as "Probably making the sign of the Cross. Better bang him up to be on the safe side."

Sadiq Khan balloon

The highly-respected Mayor of London.

The Mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, while floating above the death house disguised as a barrage balloon, was heard to emit wind. A local policeman promptly reined him in, saying, "That was one of those fancy Arab prayers, wasn't it? Allahu Akbar, was it?" Mr Khan explained that arresting someone for a Muslim prayer was a hate crime. "Hang it, Constable, this is London. We only arrest Christians!" He was released on police bail.

Mr Jeremy Corbyn, another fan of the Ealing prayer ban, was arrested when he tripped over a kerbstone. "It looked to me as though he was genuflecting," explained a policeman. His trial comes up next week.

On the other hand, Cardinal Vincent Nichols, the local ordinary, has so far not been seen praying outside the killing facility, even though to do so would give leadership to those who wish to reduce the number of deaths. It would never do for him to be mistaken for a pro-life advocate.

Vincent Nichols and a fish

"So you're expecting your child to be a fish? Jolly good."