This is me, Eccles
Tuesday, 29 December 2020
This is the latest instalment in our series "How to be a good pope", intended mainly for those who one day expect to be sleeping with the Keys to Heaven under their pillow, and giving out red hats to all their best mates. (To judge by the number of hits this blog gets, only people expecting the very top job will actually read this.) Now, one thing that popes do is to write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations. Most of these are destined to gather dust in the Vatican library, and most of your cardinals will be borrowing copies of How to hide your drug habit and Money-laundering for beginners rather than one of Pope Leo XIII's 88 encyclicals (yes, really), and he was an Agatha Christie compared with you.
least likely to embarrass you most reflecting
with lots of pictures of YOU doing family-type things - you know, smiling at children as if you liked the little beasts, blessing
families, etc. Try to avoid the one featuring father, mother, father's previous wife, father's mistress, and mother's live-in lesbian lover,
no matter what Fr James Martin says; also the one where the kids wouldn't smile and you hit them.
Now, you need a good programme of events to keep things going. Organize a "We love Amorous Lascivia" conference with distinguished
speakers such as Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli. You may have to do it by ZOOM: some of the speakers will prefer
this as they won't have to wear trousers. Next get those unsold AMOROUS LASCIVIA tee-shirts and coffee mugs from the cellar. Be imaginative!
There, that'll stop them worrying about the mess you got into with the Pachamama Synod!
Sunday, 27 December 2020
We are truly grateful to one Jen Bokoff for reminding us that "Merry Christmas" is a white supremacy slogan, and a sign to the world that you intend to enslave people of inferior cultures, and, quite possibly, exterminate them.
Thursday, 24 December 2020
This year's Advent calendar shows us all that is best in contemporary catholicism:
- A great year for Biden and AOC, generally regarded as Top Catholics;
- A red hat for Uncle Wilt Gregory, who provided spiritual support to Donald Trump;
- The generally-admired Vatican nativity scene, which showed us the true meaning of Christmas;
- Masterpieces of church architecture, as seen in the World Cup of ugly churches;
- Uncle Ted!
- Cupich, Kasper, Marx, Becciu, Nichols, representing the big boys in the college of cardinals;
- Jimbo and Austen, furiously scribbling best-sellers with a slightly Catholic theme;
- A collection of liturgical scenes and miscellaneous items; and, last but not least,
- The Holy Father demonstrating the ancient art of Papa-Slappa.
Wednesday, 23 December 2020
One of the closest confidants of Austen Ivereigh, the celebrated Catholic journalist, has denied rumours that the great man is about to resign from his various prestigious positions (Fellow of Campion Hall, scribbler for various publications, best-selling author - The Pope Francis Cookbook and Keeping Fit with Pope Francis are this Christmas blockbusters), and devote himself to Catholicism instead.
Translator's note: Sometimes we find that two distinct chapters of the Bible are identical: for example, 2 Kings 19 and Isaiah 37 (not to mention the book of Rosica, which is copied from numerous other texts). Here is another case in point. Continued from Brexodus Chapter 21 and Covidicus Chapter 10. 1. In the last month of the year, Bo-sis was ready to sign a treaty with the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, so that the children of Bri-tain would finally be able to make peace with EU-gypt. 2. However, the Frenchites, the Spanishites and the Dutchites were very fond of fish, and their fishermen spake out saying "For many years we have fished in the Red Sea, yeah, even in the waters of the children of Bri-tain. Let us continue to do so." 3. "For our starving children ask us for fish, and we have to give them a serpent. (Which, actually, the Frenchites quite like.)" 4. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and even as the mighty vixen began to protect the elderly and infirm, Bo-sis had ill tidings for the people. Indeed the tiers began to flow as never before. 5. For the Londonites were cast into a fourth great tier, where there was a weeping and gnashing of teeth. And there they remained. spake out saying that the aged ones should not go to the temple, but stay at home watching the box that is called Goggle. 10. For it was written, "Your old men shall see tele-visions and your young men shall dream dreams." 11. Moreover, the learned doctor Daw-kins, whose life story is recorded elsewhere, was also wrathful, and he cried out saying, "Bah! Humbug!" which later became the title of his next book on religion. Continued in Covidicus, Chapter 12.
Monday, 21 December 2020
A little Christmas carol to commemorate the Catholic Herald's cutting its ties with Mary Kenny, Fr John Zuhlsdorf and Fr Dominic Allain, to complete its transformation into a less intellectual version of HELLO. Editor Dan Hitchens can only gasp in amazement, since from now on its owner, William Cash, is expected to publish more articles of the I'm not a Catholic but hey! aren't chasubles cool? variety, together with the probing analysis of Cash's Auntie Doris's postman, Not many people know who that dame with the baby is on the Christmas stamps, and Cash's old mate Major "Blotto" Smythe-Farquharson-Vodka's contribution I've always been scared of gargoyles since one fell on my head.
Hark! The Herald's writers sing, "William Cash, where is thy sting?" Catholics all sent away: Father Z and Mary K. Torkington and Allain too Now have met their Waterloo. Holy Smoke and Coppen fled, Hitchens just a figurehead. Hark! The Herald's writers sing, "William Cash, where is thy sting?"
Sunday, 20 December 2020
Mary, did you know that your baby boy Would one day walk on water? Mary, did you know that your baby boy Would save our sons and daughters? Did you know that your baby boy Has come to make you new?
Friday, 11 December 2020
December 11th 2021. After the 2020 fiasco, in which their Christmas Nativity Scene featured Fisher-Price toys, a spaceman, and a statue of Moloch, the Vatican has produced what Pope Francis has described as a "traditional crèche" for its 2021 offering.
Wednesday, 9 December 2020
The story so far: at the time of Vatican II, it was decided to rush out translations of the Mass into the vernacular. Not the true vernacular, as phrases such as "Cor, strike a light, guv", "Eee ba gum", and "Och aye the noo" were used very sparingly; but a sort of casual and imprecise vernacular, all the same. Now, when I say translation, I really mean "variation on an original theme". The people translating the Mass didn't even have the benefit of Google translate, so they had to guess what the Latin words meant. Actually Google itself seems to have been got at, as it turns the Latin Gloria into:
Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, goodwill toward men. We praise you, thank you, we adore you, we glorify you, Thank you for your glory; Lord God, heavenly King Father Almighty.Which looks distinctly wonky.
Saturday, 5 December 2020
Continued from Chapter 9 1. After one month, Bo-sis released the children of Bri-tain from their lockdown. 2. But the plague continued to rage. In the lands where many people dwelt, there was sickness, while in the remote deserts the hermits rejoiced in their good health. 3. Worse than this, in the hospitals there were many sick people, while in the taverns there were very few. 4. Thus the advisers of Bo-sis said unto him, "The solution is plain. Empty the great cities, and drive the people into the wilderness. Close the hospitals, and send the people into the taverns." 5. However, Bo-sis decided on a different plan, and once more he told the people: "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers." Continued in Chapter 11.
We thought at first it was simply a tweet from whoever manages Pope Francis's Twitter account (believed to be a teenager on work experience, judging by the quality of the tweets), but no, it appeared on the Vatican's own site.
Ernst Stavro Blofeld Klaus Schwab - tipped to become a cardinal any time soon.
Yes, all the most powerful creatures in the world - Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, even Joe Biden's dog - all agree that we
must Build Back Better.
Of course, this is not the first time that Pope Francis has appropriated a political slogan for his own purposes. Previous Vatican
"themes" have been "Yes, we can!" and "Feel the Berg!" not to mention "Francis has a plan for that!" and "Best Pope Money Can't Buy"
(this last one is no longer used, following negotiations with China).
The theme of this year's celebration is “Building Back Better: Toward a Disability-inclusive, Accessible and Sustainable post-COVID-19 World”. I find the expression “building back better” quite striking. It makes me think of the Gospel parable of the house built on rock or sand (cf. Mt 7:24-27; Lk 6:46-49). So I take this special occasion to share some reflections based on that parable. Unfortunately, to everyone else in the world "Build Back Better" means something else. It is associated with the United Nations, the World Economic Forum, and even Joe Biden's election compaign.