This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 30 August 2022

The 2nd World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

Well, it's not quite 4 years since the first World Cup of Bad Cardinals, but for obvious reasons now seems like an appropriate time to give the new talent a chance to compete with the old boys.

Bad cardinal medallists

The medallists last time.

We now have [now updated] 32 nominations, consisting of all those who reached Round 2 last time (apart from Godfried Danneels who reached the last 8 but soon after went to his just reward), together with a few new guys who look very promising.
Jean-Marc Aveline
Lorenzo Baldisseri
Giovanni Becciu
Tarcisio Bertone
Joao Braz de Aviz
Francesco Coccopalmerio
Blase Cupich
Michael Czerny
Timothy Dolan
Francisco Errázuriz Ossa
Kevin Farrell
Oswald Gracias
Mario Grech
Wilton Gregory
Jean-Claude Hollerich
Walter Kasper
Roger Mahony
Oscar Maradiaga
Reinhard Marx
Robert McElroy
Wilfrid Napier
Vincent Nichols
Seán O'Malley
Marc Ouellet
Pietro Parolin
Arthur Roche
Christoph Schönborn
Leonardo Steiner
Luis Tagle
Joseph Tobin
Silvano Tomasi
Donald Wuerl
[Now updated.] Since we now have the magic 32 entrants, nominations are closed, and the competition will start on Friday 2nd September.

Oh, and we excluded popes, past and present, and also Uncle Ted McCarrick.

Pope and McCarrick

"Eccles simply doesn't appreciate my achievements."

Sunday 28 August 2022

An interview with Arthur Roche

I was privileged to join Christopher Lambchop (of the Bitter Pill) and Christopher Whitebait (of the Fishwrap) in a sycophantic intervew of Uncle Arthur Roche, although I did not say much.

Chris, Chris and Arthur

I also missed out on the photo.

Chris (one or the other): Your Eminence, what is it like being the most wonderful Catholic of our era, or indeed any era?

Arthur: I came from 'umble origins, Batley in Yorkshire. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Chris: And now, who'd have thought that you'd be drinking Château de Chasselas and stuffing yourself with cinnabons, eh, your Holiness?

Arthur: Aye, we 'ad it tough. But I worked my way to the top, first as a champion ice-skater, then Bishop of Leeds, then jobs in Rome, and - who knows? - will I be the next pope? I'm already sounding out little Austen Ivereigh to write a hagiography of me!

Roche and Francis

"I think I'd look better in white, Holy Father."

Chris: I guess you first came to the notice of those above when you started closing churches in Leeds, your Sublimity. Wasn't the DVD that you produced explaining this top of the charts in Yorkshire for two years, O saintly one?

Arthur: Yes, this was my finest hour in England. My idea has even been taken up by Pope Francis!

Chris: Could you explain that, your Vastness?

Arthur: All cardinals are assigned a church in Rome. Mine is San Saba. But the Holy Father has just sent me a DVD explaining that San Saba is to close, and all new cardinals are being given beach houses instead. Apparently, this was Ted McCarrick's idea.

San Saba

Closing down.

Chris: A brilliant idea, your Rotundness. Now, tell us more about your plans to burn all TLM worshippers at the stake, if you'd be so kind, Mightiness.

Arthur: Some people are stubbornly opposing what the Church - well, Pope Francis not Pope Benedict obviously - has actually decreed.

Both Chrises: Sing adoration to Pope Francis!

Arthur: It's a very serious matter. In the end people have to ask themselves: am I really a Catholic or am I more of a Protestant?

Eccles (for it is he): You're more of a Protestant?


Thomas Cromwell

"The dissolution of the monasteries? We're calling it Traditionis Custodes."

Saturday 27 August 2022

James Martin apologises

Well, you know how it is. One of your best mates dies, and he just happens to be an embezzler who stole $450,000 to pay off a homosexual partner, while at the same time covering up sex abuse. Oh, and in his spare time he was an archbishop. Well, de mortuis nil nisi bonum as it says in the Latin rite, so you brush this under the carpet and make a statement on Twitter saying how wonderful he was. (Next week on this blog... how Hitler was a gifted painter.)

Your devoted fans, the Jimbies, will back you up.

screaming girl


However, others are less charitable, and you find yourself facing a barrage of criticism, and not just from those dreadul Catholics who also happen to be Christians. Your next book BUILDING A HIGHWAY TO TRANS-CATHOLICISM may be rejected as the Book of the Month by the Jesuit LGBTSJ Club. Pope Francis is backing you, but then who is backing Francis these days?

The Scream

Jim faces criticism.

Well, perhaps it is best to back down, and issue a statement withdrawing your foolish remarks on Twitter. Here is a draft apology, although in the end you don't go quite as far as this.

Dear friends: I've deleted my original tweets about Archbishop Weakland. I've also deleted my tweets promoting LGBT issues, referring to the Holy Spirit as "she", claiming that a Canaanite woman told Jesus what to say, referring to Mary Magdalene as the first pope, praising Ignatian Yoga, and backing Joe Biden. Unfortunately, there's not a lot left.

Friday 5 August 2022

Al Capone makes a statement on the Chicago massacre

Chicago, 1929.

Cardinal Al Capone of the Chicago Outfit has issued a statement concerning the suppression of the North Side Institute on Febuary 14th (the St Valentine's Day Mass-acre).

Cupich etc

Cardinal Capone tries to look inconspicuous.

"On February 14th, seven members of the North Side Community communicated to the archdiocese that they had decided to stop breathing and instead bleed to death through certain holes in their bodies. It was their choice to do so."

"They were not killed. We did not shoot them. They chose to discontinue altogether."

"The community had the option to continue living under our guidelines and decided not to," added a spokeswoman for Cardinal Capone. “It is a false statement that we have a ban on their activities. They are welcome to worship in any way they choose, provided that they receive permission from the Archdiocese."

The spokeswoman added that, in line with the wishes of Mafia boss Big Frank Bergoglio, as interpreted by Arthur "Even Bigger" Roche, the Community had only needed to comply with 79 conditions requested by Al Capone, one of which required them to be dead.

Mysteriously, the dead men all shot themselves in the back.

It is not known how this Mass-acre will affect the popularity of Cardinal Capone, but there is no doubt that Big Frank is delighted.

If you don't know what this post is about, take a look at the blog of Father "Z" Uhlsdorf.