This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday 31 July 2011

Bite me!

Well, Bosco spent most of Saturday evenin phonin round de local Cathlic preists and leavin insultin messages on dere ansa-phons explainin dat all Cathlic preists is pevrets. Dis is a necesarry part of savin dere soles. Sometimes de preists anwsered de phon demselves, for example, de Achbishop of Lost Angels was in when Bosco telehponed. Dis is what Bosco told me about de conservation dey had.

"Ullo, dere, Achbishop Gómez speekin. Did ya wanna buy an indullgence? I'se sorry but we aint doin dem no more. And de iddle shop is closed until Monday."
"BITE ME, José, you stupid Mexxican Cathlic! Watch it dat I doesnt put ya on my wonderfool blogg, ya pevret!"
"Ah, Bosco, my son, how nice to hear from you. Is dem Weirdozol tabblets helpin your delussions?"

But Bosco slamed down de reciever, we aint gonna cast our purls before swines. I got de Achbishop's pitcher here, see he's wearin a Babble-onion fish hat, dat proves he aint saved. He looks like a really viscous truoble-maker, don't he?

Dis man aint saved

On Sunday we went to de local Cathlic church to save dem sinners. In de end Bosco didnt go dressed as a pirate, cos de parrot on his shuolder kept sayin "I bin saved! Bite me! I bin saved! Bite me!" I can't imaggine where he gits dat from. So Bosco went dressed in some clothes dat he borrowed from Mrs Riddle, de Angle of Death. We slipped in quietly, blendin unnotissed wiv de congreggation.

Bosco incoggnito

Father Xavier O' Cise was givin a sermmon on de feedin of de five million wiv bread and fish and dat how dis meant dat de Cathlics should buy all de iddles which was on sale at de back of the churhc. He puased for a moment, and so Bosco and me got up and sang dis fammous Calumny Chappel hynm.

BITE ME, O Thou great Redeemer,
Clowning frew dis barren land.
I bin saved, but no-one else is;
Thanks to Thy almighty hand.
Bread and Pizza, wiv Pastrami,
Feed me till I wants no more;
Feed me till I wants no more.

Well dem Cathlics didnt hang aruond waitin to be saved, dey sent in an army of nuns to beet us up (de Little Sisters of St Rambo). Dey frew Bosco and me out into de street. See, I gotta photo which proves de truth of what I sez.

Little Sisters of St Rambo

Well, Bosco, how is we ever goin to save des wikced poeple?

Saturday 30 July 2011

Weepin stattues

I has always been a bit septical of dese Cathlic claims dat stattues can weep, but Bosco says dat his stattue of St Cristina, which he won in a compettion, is keepin him awake at nihgt, cryin dat it wants to go home. I aint actaully seen it cryin, but Bosco never tells lies, and here is a pitcher of his bedroom flooded wiv tears.

Bosco's flooded bedroom

We took advices from Pastor De Mentia of de Calumny Chappel, and he came along to see the stattue. Of course it weren't cryin when he saw it in Bosco's bedroom, and de Pastor said sternly "Bosco, we know you aint tellin lies, as saved people can't ever do dat. But it's still very mysterrious."

Last nihgt I was sleepin sweetly in my bed, and dreemin of de Pop swimmin in de Lake of Fire. He was shoutin "My it's hot in here. I is beginnin to susspect dat I aint saved. I shoulda dressed up as a clown like dat Bosco told me to!" Den I heard a loud screem from Bosco's room, so I went to investtigate.
"Whats bin happenin, Bosco, darlin bruvver?" I asked. "Has Anti Moly bin practisin her Banshee shreiks? She takes her new job very seriously. De feersome cry of 'sockpoppet' freezes poeple to de spot."
"No, Eccles, you blokchead," replied my affecktionate bruvver. "I was tryin to cheer up de weepin stattue by readin it some humerus excertps from my luvvly blog, but it went off into historics."

I is wonderin whether this could all be Bosco's imaggination, cos I aint seen de stattue weepin yet. Anyways, we can forgit dis for de moment, as tomorrow is Sundday and we gonna save lotsa poeple, who aint expectin it.

Bosco, if you gotta minute, I is still worried about dis pitcher of some Cathlics with an iddle. It aint cemment, but seems to be tin. Is it still wrong to kiss it?

Cathlics with tin iddle

Friday 29 July 2011

Anti Moly's new job

Well Bosco, we is lookin forward to Sunday, when we is gonna luanch our coop against de Cathlics, and save dem all by singin hynms. But until den Bosco and me is wonderin how Anti Moly will cope wiv her new job as a Banshee.

"Who exackly is we workin for?" Anti Moly asked de Angle of Death. "Is it Jessus or Sattan? Not dat I is prejudissed one way or de uvver, I is very open-minded."
"We is a freelance buisness," replied de Angle, "and we does contracts for all sorts of poeple. God, Sattan, de Democrates, de Republickans, de Bhuddists, de Salivation Army, de Lost Angles Dodgers, de Mafia, de Barclays bruvvers, Joanne Hairy, James Dellingpoll, anyone who wants to scare poeple to death. But I is never allowed to reveel who is de client."
"Does I have to dress up and look horrid?" asked Anti Moly.
"Nope, you is scarry enough already," said de Angle of Death (her real name is Mrs Riddle, so I is gonna use dat from now on).

Here is Anti Moly goin out to work, she is a dere old lady and we is very fond of her.

Anti Moly workin

I'd quite like to go wiv her some time to see how she gits on.

Well, it's bin a quiet day, except dat Bosco is havin trouble wiv one of de ornnaments in his bedroom. He entered de Tellegraph's "Geuss de next 3 blogg topicks of Damain Thopmson" compettition. Bosco he said dey was gonna be Joanne Hairy, de Ordinariet, and den Joanne Hairy again, so he won de prize, it's a stattue of St Cristina de Odd One. However, he says de stattue is cryin real tears, in fact it keeps sobbin in de night dat it wants to go home again rather than be in purggatory, viz Bosco's beddroom. I spose dats a mircale Bosco but its a bit of a niusance, innit?

Weepin angle

So if annyone knows how to cheer up a homesick stattue, we will be very pleased, won't we Bosco?

Thursday 28 July 2011

Bosco on de atack

Well Bosco had a narrow escape from de Angle of Death. But she is an old friend of Anti Moly's, and she have offerred our Grate-Ant a part-time job. De idea is dat Anti Moly's gonna go rouond scarring poeple to Death. She said, "Dat suonds good. Is I allowed to screem at dem too?" De Angle of Death said, "Yup, we has got a vacancy in de Banshee divvision." I will report on a futture blogg how my belloved Anti gets on wiv dis new career oporttunity which is gonna make de most of her tallents.

Bosco have realised dat we gotta get more vigoruos in our persecuttion of de Cathlics. I found dis photo showin Cathlics doin a crazy rittual where dey bow down to iddles. Dey even calls it Pillates cos in de Cathlic Bibble dey says dat Pontuis Pillate did it. What lies dey tell.


What's more, dey is makin iddles of de Pops, which Cathlics gonna be asked to kiss if dey wants to escape 1000000000000000 years in Purgattory. I read all about it on a website dat Bosco found, so it must be true.

Iddles of pops

Bein horified by dis wickedness, Bosco and me has develloped a cunning plan. On Sunday we is gonna go into de Cathlic church incoggnito. De preist will preach his herettical sermon, sayin dat all Cathlics gotta kiss more iddles and venerate beads (we knows dis is true as Bosco found an article on de internet about Venerable Beads), and on no account must dey read de Bibble. When we hears dis we shall pounce, and stand up and sing a Calumny Chappel hynm very luodly. Maybe dis one, which is very poppular.

De Lord's my shehperd, I's de sheep,
He dresses me like a clown.
Lord Jessus have saved me from de flood
And left all de rest to drown. Ha ha.

(We doesn't sing "Ha ha", we just gives a big chuckle as we finks of dem Cathlics in de lake of fire.)

Dis is de costume dat Bosco is gonna wear for church, he says dat Father Xavier Pell de Mons will never guess dat it is him.

Bosco dressed as a pirrate

Dat's a real parrot... it's de one dats been tryin to teach Bosco to say a few simple prhases.

So Sunday will be de day of reckonin for de Cathlics, we gonna save lots of dem. Since no Cathlics reads dis blogg, I fink it is safe to put our plans here, Bosco, my dere bruvver.

Wednesday 27 July 2011

De passover

Well I heard Bosco talkin to Anti Moly, and explanin dat de Lord was gonna send us de final plaque, de sluaghter of de first-born, but not to worry cos if de Angle of Death came we was gonna say dat de first-born was now Eccles (dis was a kind fing he did for me yesterday), who was a tottal pest wiv his blogg and would be no grate loss. Anti Moly replied "Ha. I'm gonna say you was twins, den I wont have any more probblems with crazy peeple trying to save me."

De next fing I knew, Bosco was packin a siutcase. He said "I'm goin on de run," and carefuly stowed away some of his souvennirs (like de toe of St Peter dat once got stuck to Bosco's nose, and de saccred statue of St Imbecilicus, wot is Bosco's Gaurdian Angle).

Bosco packing

"Can I come wiv you, Bosco?" I asked. "We got lotsa people to convert who aint saved, I wouldnt mind talkin to de Buhddists next, dey should be easy to convert to de delights of de Calumny Chappel. Dis Dolly Llama woman sounds like a pushover."

Well to cut a long story short, Bosco said he'd rather face de Angle of Death than have me followin him round for de rest of his life (dat's not nice, Bosco). We bein saved we knows our Bibble, and de answer is that you gotta put labm's blud on de door. Den de Angle of Death comes by and says "Ho hum, dat's labm's blud. Dese chaps is saved. Anyone in next door?" Never fails. So we raided Anti Moly's wine cellar, openned a bottle of her Chatteau Moutton Wrathchild, and did just dat. Just to be on de safe side Bosco dressed up as a nun and hid in de tiolet, where he writes his luvvly bloggs. Here he is.

Bosco dressed as a nun

Well we is all pleased dat de passover went OK. De Angle of Death dropped in and turned out to be an old friend of Anti Moly's from her days as a chorus girl in Austriala, so we gave it a cup of tea. Dem plaques is over, and Bosco he have been given a strong warnin: "You gotta make more of an effort to convert people, or dis could be you, Bosco!"

Bosco in de lake of fire

Tuesday 26 July 2011

I gets upgradded

Sometimes Bosco is a really luvvin bruvver. As you knows if you is a reggular reader, he is 2 years older than me (when I was a new-born baby he toddled into de hopsital to see me, and beat up a skelleton in de doctors office, finking it was a very thin iddle). But now Bosco says dat he is gonna be like Eyesor and Jaccob, and give me de birfright instead of him. Dat means from now on I is de eldest son.

Bosco is very kind to me like dat, and he explaned dat Eyesor was a harey man, and Jaccob a smooth man, and since it is de same in our fambly, maybe I shall be a great patriark wiv lotsa kids. It is true dat Bosco is a harey man, as dis new pitcher of him will reveel.

hairy Bosco

Dis birfright busniess means dat I will inherrit everyfink when our belloved Mom passes away (unless I goes before her). Also, if anyone asks, I gotta tell dem dat I is de first born and not Bosco.

Well, dis have nuffink to do wiv our present crisis, dat is de plaques dat Jessus is sendin to us. We gotta message on de ansaphon sayin "Nice blogg, Bosco, my son, but de Lake of Fire is waitin for you if you dont save more Cathlics urggently." So Bosco went into Grate-Anti Moly's room and painted her like a clown when she was asleep, dis is what we does in de Calumny Chappel for dem what is saved.

Grate-Anti Moly

When she woke up she weren't pleased at bein saved, and she started frowin all our lihgtbulbs at de passers-by in de street wiv horenndous shrieks of "Traddy Cathlic sockpoppet!"

De next plaque we got was a plaque of darkness. Dis werent a grate surprise, de smog over Lake Hellsinus is somefink terrible sometimes, I fink its caused by de Cathlic churhc burnin people who owns Bibbles. Of course, we couldnt turn on de lights in de house as all de bulbs had bin frown at Cathlics. Still, Bosco's girlfiend Camila Van Pyre says she prefers de darkness, as she gits burnt easily in de sunlight.

So, dere's only one plaque waitin for us now, and accordin to de book of Exeters dat will be de sluaghter of de first born. Bosco, has you any iddea what dat's all about?

Monday 25 July 2011

De eye of Horris

Well, I is gonna stay ever viggilant for ocult cymbals, as well as iddles and poeple bowin down to imagges. Bosco says dat de Eye of Horris (which is from ancient Egpyt) is very danggerous and is a cymbal used by Cathlics. I found it as a gravven image in Anti Moly's bedroom, and I is rather scarred dat it is Sattanic.

Eye of Horris

I has still got my hands full wiv dem plaques dat is afflictin Bosco. De next one dat we got is loccusts, dem's horrid little critters. Dere's a recippe in the Bibble dat says eat dem wiv wild honey, and Grate-Anti Moly from Austriala says dey is deliccious wiv kaola bear or duck-billed plattypuss (I fink dat's a sort of cat). Bosco aint amussed dat he have to share his bedroom wiv loccusts, as it inteferres wiv his prayers to St Peter. Here is Bosco lookin very annoyyed, dem critters has eaten most of his hair.

Bosco annoyyed

Bosco still aint sure why a sinless bein like him is bein afflicted wiv dese plaques. He finks it is a nasty Cathlic trick dat de nunns in de convent is playin on us, just cos we likes screemin "You aint saved, sweetie. Come and join de Calumny Chappel!" frew de Muvver Superrior's window at 4 a.m.

Me, I fink its just dat de Lord aint pleased wiv us, maybe we aint tryin hard enuogh to convert Cathlics. So Bosco have written to de Pop to invite him round for tea, and if he is foolish enuogh to come, den we shall pounce.

Ocult cymbals

I is gonna interupt my account of de plaques dat is inflictin my dere bruvver Bosco, because he have drawn my atention to a new menace... ocult cymbals!

Dey is evrywhere. Look at dis one. I seen it on my computter, perhaps its a virrus sent by Sattan.

Windows XP

Note dat it is full of mysstic cymbalism. It got de cross in the middle of 4 squares. De cross is a blasphemous thing wot leads Cathlics into iddletory, dey kisses it. Note also de XP, dat's Greek, it's de first letters of Christ, Bosco tells me. You sees it in some churches, but dey is blashpeming, takin de name of de Lord in vane. I was told dat dis cymbal means windows. Ha ha, I sez. You cant see frew four colored bits of glass, so dat's reely a cymbal wot means OK buster we is not lettin any lihgt frew, so you aint saved.


Dis one is a Brittish coin. Note dat in de Episstle of Peter, de Devil is describbed as a roarin lion seekin who he may devuor. (So is Anti Moly, but dat aint de point rihgt now.) It just goes to show dat de Brittish is enslaved by Sattanic forces, and even de people in de Royal Mint is servants of de Evil One. Why dey has even put a crown on de lion's head to show dat he is de king. Probbably dey is Cathlics, noboddy else would worhsip a lion.


Finally, dis example is proof dat de Telegrahp is takin us back to de dark ages wiv a caballistic loggo. Bosco explaned dis to me, dat if you looks at it carefully you sees a crecsent, which is de cymbal of Isslam. I fink de T stands for Thopmson. He's a well-known Cathlic (he claims to have joined de Calumny Chappel but I aint so sure now). He aint much better than a demmon, accordin to Bosco.

We has to be on our gaurd, dem ocult cymbals is everywhere!

Sunday 24 July 2011

Bosco got boils

Well we saw it commin, Bosco have got boils. Dis is de sixth plaque, and I really am worried about whether my dear bruvver has got dis Salivation business tottally sown up. Bosco phoned up Jessus to complane dat de Lord was persecutin him, but de number was unobtainabble.

Dis is a fambly blogg, and a photo of my darlin bruvver Bosco wiv boils mihgt be a bit scarey for children and give dem bad dreams, so I has painted his portrait for dis blogg. Note dat dis aint a graven image, and you would have to be mad to want to kiss it.

Bosco wiv boils

In fact we got de next plaque almost immediattely, dat was hail and thunder. Bosco was in de garden and a lot of big hail stones hit him on de head. I hope it dont bring on his concusion again, but franckly it is hard to tell when he is normal.

As it was Sunday, we went to de Calumny Chappel again, and Bosco disgiused himself, so dat nobody knew he had de plaque. In fact we is very braod-minded in de Chappel, and all de Pastor said was "You is lookin very well today Bosco, I hopes dat de brane dammage is better". Dis is Bosco in disgiuse.

Bosco in disgiuse

De Bibble readin today was all about Solommon askin de Lord for wisdom, well Bosco got dat already. You can tell dat from his briliant thoelogical blogg, and de way he can argue de hind leg off a donkey (we got a lot of three-legged donkeys round here so dat proves it).

What I remembers about Solommon was dat he used to cut babies in half, I hope dat Bosco aint gonna start doin dis, we got enuogh probblems already wiv Anti Moly, and I dont fink dat can be de rihgt way to get saved. But I has hid de carvin knife just in case.

Scarlett and purple

Well, I is very worried dat Jessus is annoyed wiv my darlin bruvver Bosco, and dat he have gotta place reserved in de Lake of Fire (which means dat he aint as saved as he thuoght he was). Dis seems a bit unfair, as Bosco is de moddle of Christian virtue, and is always pollite and helpfull when he tries to save uvver people. He once got de Calumny Chappel award for takin de specks out of uvver people's eyes.

So Bosco he went to see Pastor La Sagne at de Calumny Chappel, and said "Jessus told me dat I was saved. Do you fink he's changed his mind? Is it cos we got some scarlett and purple flowers in de garden? In de book of Relevation it says dat means we is de horse of Babbleon."

Dese are de Sattanic flowers, we ripped em up and burnt dem to be on de safe side.

Sattanic flowers

Anyways, we got more plaques infestin de house, as I prophesized. Bosco he says it is just de hot weather and de fact dat we never washes (cos we is already washed in de blud of de Labm). We got lice, den we got flies, and den all de catle dyin. Actaully, we aint got any catle, but I looked up de book of Exeters, and de text says "Behold, de hand of de LORD is upon de catle which is in de field, upon de horses, upon de asses, upon de cammels, upon the oxxen, and upon the sheep". So I fink dat de dead cat wot I found in de gardden mihgt be a sort of catle. But Grate-Anti Moly ate it raw and said it was dellicious, so maybe it only had a mild form of de plaque.

Bosco, I is very worried about scarlett and purple now, as I sees it everywhere. What about dis bird what was flyin over de house? Is it de horse of Babbleon?

Sattanic bird

Saturday 23 July 2011

Bosco got de plaque

In de Calumny Chappel we often has grate fun readin in de book of Exeters about de plaques of Egpyt, but I is very worried as I fink we has got dem too. It seems dat Jessus is tryin to tell us somefink, and I hope it aint de dread message "Bosco you aint saved. Off to de lake of fire wiv you!"

Actaully I fink it was a mistake of Bosco's to have de nubmer 666 tattoed on his arm, he said it was because Jessus had told him he was de 666th person in de history of de world to be saved. Here is a photo dat proves he got dis tatto.

Bosco's tatto

De plaques started wiv de water turnin to blud. I turned on de tap and out come dis red stuff. Bosco's girlfiend Camila wiv de big teeth, she is delihgted of course (she says it is full of nutrimments). Also, Grate-Anti Moly says dat in Austriala she drinks from billabogs where de water quallity is very simillar, but Bosco and I aint so happy. Luckily after a few hours de water went back to normal, but now we has all got red shirts, cos de washin machine was on.

Dere is also a second plaque of Bosco, dat de Lord has inflicted. So maybe Bosco is like Jobb and dese are test of his great spiritaulity and goodness? Dis second plaque is frogs. Dey is everywhere, in Bosco's studdy where he writes his luvvly bloggs, in de bahtroom, in de beddrooms. We is gettin very tired of eatin "ciusse de grenioulle" (dat's French for frogs legs), and we still has all the rest of de frogs to use up.

Bosco is bearin dis matrydom very well. I hopes we dont get lice next, like in de book of Exeters, as I cant find any recippes for "ciusse de louse", and I fink only Anti Moly would eat dem anyway.

Here is a pitcher of a frogg dat Grate-Anti Moly is keepin as a pet. Dey say pets start to resebmle dere owners, and I fink dey is right.


Friday 22 July 2011

Bosco in love

Bosco's girlfiend, Camila, wot lives near de cemettery, came round to see us last nihgt. She says she used to be a Cathlic, but den she got bitten by evanggelism. We oferred her a drink and she asked "Does you perchance has any blud?" Dis aint part of our ussual ciusine, but lukcily Anti Moly had a bottle handy, she says dat someone came round while we was out who looked like he mihgt be a Cathlic. I fink it is best to ask no questions here, at least we has got some refreshmeant for Camila. We also offerred Bosco’s beautiful lady a jiucy stake but she was offendded, I dont know why. Bosco adorres her, and everyone sez she is just the sort of person to clam him down a little when he gets wild.

Dis is Camila and a wooden bed she sleeps in, it is a luvvly photo.

Camila and her bed

After his award from "Pervo Times", Bosco's blogg have gained him another prize, dis time from de Dawkins foundation wot is run by a grate scholar in Oxford who got borred wiv playing with test tubes and took up thoelogy. Although stricly speaking dese peeple is athiests, and so hasnt been saved, dey is very sound when it comes to persecuttin Cathlics, so we regards dem as our bruvvers wiv just a few docktrinal diferrences. De award dis time is a luvly pair of St Boxo shorts, which my dere bruvver plans to ware on his head so dat everryone can see what kind of person he is.

St Boxo shorts

I has been ticked off by Bosco for reveelin dat Damain Thopmson have converted to de Calumny Chappel, as dis is a seccret at present. Damain will continnue writing non-religgious blogs about Joanne Hairy until someone notice dat he is avoiddin de subject of de Cathlic church (frankly, he is scarred dat Cristinna Oddone will find out and beet him up, she’s a tuogh lady).

Bosco aint very popular wiv de Calumny Chappel right now, as he recenttly gave a Bibble class to de under-12s, and de hospital said dey was overworked as a result, viz. 6 broken noses, 8 broken arms, 4 cases of concusion, and one leg bitten off completelly. Well dem kids was nuaghty and Bosco had to disscipline dem nobody could objecct to dat. He told de little boys and girls dat dey would end up in de lake of fire, and dat dey would not be saved. He is a kind bruvver to me, and I can tetsefly dat he only does dese things in order to help peeple.

PS I found dis in de garden under Anti Moly's window, I fink it is someone who aint saved.


Wednesday 20 July 2011

Bosco wins an award

De very excitin news today is dat Bosco have won an award from "Pervo Times". Dis aint a maggazine dat we reads in our household (usually, Bosco prefers de comics, and I is advancin on my spirritual journy by readin de Daily Telegrahp).

As anyone knows who have read Bosco's luvly blogg, he is very fond of postin pitchers of poeple dressed up as preists wot is kissin each other. I hasnt got the hart to tell him that dey aint reel preists, it is moddles panderin to de fantassies of sick poeple. Pastor Spaghetti of de Calumny Chappel says dat dere is some sick poeple in de Cathlic churhc, but frankly none of dem is as weird as my dere bruvver Bosco. I hasnt got de hart to say dat to Bosco, neither.

De Pervo Times poeple did say dat dere was one photo on Bosco's blogg dat was too kinky even for dere reeders, it was labelled "Pic of my girlfiend". Actaully Bosco aint gotta girlfiend, although dere was a very uggly girl once dat went on a date wiv Bosco on condition dat she could take along her duaghter, who was a Judo expert, to protect her. We managged to take a photo of her within de first 10 minutes, after which she ran away screemin.

Bosco is curently lookin for a reel girlfiend, he is in love wiv dis dame. She is very pretty but I fink her teef is too big (dont tell Bosco I said this).

Bosco's girl

She live somewhere near de cemeterry and is busy all day so we only sees her at night.

We is waitin for the award from "Pervo Times", which is a statue called Free Graces. I fink it's a bit kinky myself. Bosco gonna dress dem in cossacks and say dey is preists, den put it on his blogg.

3 graces

Tuesday 19 July 2011

A new recriut

Bosco and me is very excitted today, as we got an e-mail from Damain Thompson. I will summarize what he said. In case you dont guess, dis is his message in my own words, as dey is easier to understand.

"Dear Bosco and Eccles, I has decided to stop bein a Cathlic, as de arguments from bruvver Bosco is so powerfull dat nobody can resist dem. You may already have geussed dat, since I has stopped postin bloggs on Cathlic issues, and is instead cuttin and pastin silly comments from Twiter about Ruppert Mudroch.

So from now on I is de enemy of Vincent Nickles, Kierran Conray, Arthur Rochhe, and de rest of dem pesky bishops in de Magic Circus. Dat includes Mary O' Conti and de others in Scottland. Dese folk can no longer expect me to say how devout and holly dey is. I has seen thruogh dem. Dey will be cricketised remorzelessly. To start off I is gonna write a blogg on dis controversial topic: 'Kierran Conray wears silly shirts'. I is expectin Paul Preist (On De Side Of De Angles) to come in with 1000 words on dis topic, tellin me I is a fool, but dis is a martydrom dat I must bear.

I aint sure about de Pop yet, I fink I will just tell peeple he is German, dats gonna shock em.

I is also gettin rid of my iddles and relicks, de statue of de Verger Mary have been frown in de bin, dis is what Jessus wants me to do. Also de lock of hare of Pop Jhon-Paul II wot I pinched when nobody was lookin, dat has been fed to de Daley Telegrapph's pet goat.

From now on, I wants to be saved like you, Bosco and Eccles, and I is gonna write a blogg in a totally different style, probbably modellin it on Bosco's luvvly writins.

Of course as a member of de Calumny Chappel I aint gonna stop bein a bloody crazy ferrett, and Pastor Redlight and de others is gonna have to watch out for my feirce condamnations of dere herresies. I only doin it to help save dere soles.

Yours sincerely,
Bruvver Damain of de Calumny Chappel."

So dere we have it. As it says in de Bibble, Rome is de horse of Babbleon, and noboddy can be saved unless dey is born agin.

I will come back to our own personal affairs soon. Here is de sort of service dat awiats Damain now dat he is saved.

A holly rittual

And here are de Cathlics expressin dere greif at losin Damain.

A holly rittual

Maybe I got de pitchers confussed. Who knows?

Monday 18 July 2011

No sinners in de Chappel

Bosco, it panes me to record dis story, but we has got to face de facts. An ennemy has claimed dat dere is a sinner in de Calumny Chappel. Dat is strange as we is all saved.

Anyway, Pastor Al Symphony got an strange letter yesterdday, sayin "YOU HAS A SINNER IN DE CALUMNY CHAPPEL. Singed, a well-wisher". We couldn't find out who dis Mr Well-Wisher was, he aint in de phon book, so we finks it may be a sockpuppet. We told Anti Moly, who had been up all nihgt bloggin, and she said it was a rabit and she wanted to eat his donkeys. Sometimes she dont make a lot of sense.

Pastor Al called us all toggether, and said "We in de Calumny Chappel is born again and so we doesnt sin, but maybe dere is a vipper in de bossom. I gonna list a few common sins and if you has done dem, you gotta confess."

"Has you made a cemment iddle?"
"No, dat's de most evil sin anyone can do!" shouted Bosco. He turned to his little statue of St Peter dat he carries wiv im at all times in case he needs to pray. "Aint it, Pete?"

"Has you attempted to kill your little bruvver wiv a South Americcan blowpip?"
Bosco went very red then. Did I mention dat he have taken up smokkin a pip? Perhaps dis is affectin his luvvly complexoin.

"Has you been allowin sinners into your house?"
We is OK on dat one. Dere was an old Cathlic priest came round collectin for one of his vile charrities, I fink it was de widows and orphans. We set Anti Moly on him and he ran screemin down de road.

"No?" asked de Pastor. "Well dat proves it, we is all free from sin. I aint surprised, after all we is all saved. We shall now sing a hynm."

Oh come, all ye sinless
Joyfull and triumphant
Oh come ye, dat's all been saved,
To Ca-a-lum-ny.
Jesus says dat we is
Absolutely rightoeus.
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
Thank God we is so perfect,
We, dat's been saved!

Bosco was so pleased dat he went out and got some special clothes, so dat everyone in de street would know he was saved, includdin a funny ring dat he wears round his head. De eagle-eyed will notiss dat he dont have a big nose any more. It fell off and we couldnt save it. But who needs a big nose in Heavn?


Dem is de keys to de Calumny Chappel dat he is holdin. Pastor Al let Bosco pose wiv dem for de fambly albbum.

Sunday 17 July 2011

De Calumny Chappel Ansaphon

Ullo, dis is the Calumny Chappel.

If you is saved already, PRESS 1.
If you wishes to complain about Bosco's blogg, PRESS 2.
If you is Jessus phonin up to complement us, PRESS 3.
If you wants to give us money, PRESS 4.
If you is tryin to sell us an iddle, PRESS 5.

If you is de police, den we is all on holiday for de weekend. Wot a shame you missed us.

If you is Bosco, den get off de phone and come and remove dat boddy you left in de porch.

If you is Grate-Anti Moly, go away, dis aint de gin shop.

If you is a Cathlic, den you gotta nerve you horrid iddletraitor.

Otherwise, hold de line and you will be able to speak to one of our trained physchitrists.


Bosco's new blogg

I was explanin dat Bosco had got a new much larger nose, owin to de intervvention of St Peter, and dat dis was a mark of favour from de Lord, meaning dat Bosco is even more saved dan he was before.

One of de friuts of de Spirit was dat we got an e-mail from Damain Thopmson, de editor of de Telegrahp bloggs. Damain met us a few months ago when he was in Callifornia. He was sayin dat dere werent so many religgious bloggs as dere used to be (George Pitcher too worried about his bruvver, Geralld Warner sacked, Cristina Oddone gettin a bit crazy, etc. etc.) Damain himself is only writin bloggs about Joanne Hairy and Rebecka Brooks, so what de Telegrahp needs is an incissive commontater on religious topics.

I cuold do it myself, but Bosco is de master of Engglish prose, de langauge of Shakespare and Jeffrey Archer. Damain said, "Well, before we gives you a contract to write a Telegrahp blogg, could you suggest 10 topics dat you mihgt write about?"

Here is Bosco's list.
1. Cathlics aint saved.
2. Cathlics is idolaters wot kiss statues.
3. Don't be a Cathlic, dey is bad.
4. If you is Cathlic you gotta keep bits of corpses in de fridge.
5. Bosco is saved, Eccles is saved, but de Pop aint saved.
6. Dem Cathlics wont stop worshippin gravven images.
7. Its better to be an athiest dan a Cathlic, you never see dem bowin to images.
8. Look I told you folks, you is gonna go to Hell if you are Cathlic.
9. Didnt de Pop burn 10,000 peeple last week for owning a Bibble?
10. Cathlics! Aintcha sickofem?

Damain was a bit stuned and he said he'd let Bosco know, perhaps it mihgt be better to ask de fammous lawyer chap who keeps writin bloggs complanin about his kids wot cant sing.

Bosco finks I should mention a pssalm from de Book of Chuck, what we recites in our Calumny Chappel worhsip:

Roses is red,
Voilets is blue.
I has been saved,
How about you?

Bosco my dere, de Calumny Chappel is alreddy venerratin you wiv your long nose. Look what we got here.

Gravven image of Bosco

Saturday 16 July 2011

Bosco finds St Peter

Well dat was a disasster, wasnt it, Bosco, my dere bruvver. We lunched a raid on de herretics at de Calvados Chappel, dem wot scribled "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall of the dining room. For Jessus had spoke to us and said "Beet em up good and propper, you servvants of de Lord".

De plan was to brake into de Calvados Chapule and stick supergleu on de foot of de iddle of St Peter dat dey got (dey calls him St Dracula, but we knows it is reely St Peter), so dat de first person to kiss de foot (probabbly Pastor Nosferatu) would be stuck to it. Den we could shout "You aint saved, is you, you loser?"

Here is de statue of St Peter.

St Peter

Well we went to de Calvados service, which I has to say is very similar to what Bosco and me does in de Calumny Chappel. Dey had a momment of sillent prayer when Pastor Nosferatu said "Shut up my brethren" and de congreggation said "We shuts up for de Lord". Bosco aint very good at being sillent and I heard him prayin "Oh God, Eccles is such a pane, make him stop writtin dat ghastlly blogg before he gets us both arested. PS Dont forget I am one of de saved ones, so dis is a proirity prayer."

Den Pastor Nosferatu stood up and said, "We got visitors tonihgt, and we invites em to be de first to kiss de stateu of St Dracula". Bosco wasnt paying attention and frew force of habbit he rushed up and kissed de foot of St Peter/Dracula. De big toe broke off and got stuck to his nose wiv supergleu, makin it twice as big as ussual. De Calvados Chapule folk cried out "Dat's a sign of special blessin from de Lord. Is it not written in de Song of Solomon 'Thy nose is as de tower of Lebbanon which looketh toward Dammascus'?" (Yes, I fink it is, but dats a song dat we don't sing very often in de Calumny Chappel.)

Anyway, we is now makin our peace wiv de Calvados Chapule, dey aint saved as much as we is, but dey aint bad chaps reely, not like dem Cathlics, who is de reel ennemy. Dey promissed not to write "Bosco, you aint saved" on any more walls, as a man wiv a big hooter is surely marked out for Salivation.

Here is Bosco wiv his new nose, but he aint very happy wiv it, he says it tickles.

Bosco wiv big nose

De miraccle of de fishes

I found Bosco in de garden, he had set a wild bush on fire and was chattin wiv it, tellin it dat he was chossen by God to be saved, and he was goin to libberate his peopel (dat's me and Grate-Anti Moly). He's always a kind bruvver. But de burnin bush werent very talkkative just then, so Bosco decided to come in from de garden.

Bosco have his moments when de concusion aint too bad, and dis morning he said "Eccles, let's git some fish for de pond in de garden". So he made a tellyphone call and a big lorry came up and dellivered a parccel, it said "DANGER! PIRAHNA FISH!" I left em to put de fish in de pond, as I had to go and see Anti Moly just den, she was screemin "Sockpoppet" out of de window at a funerral procesion goin by in de street. She thouoght dey mihgt be Cathlics, and she likes to keep in pracctise.

A few hours later, Bosco and I was walkin in de gardden tellin each uvver dat we was reely happy bein saved, and plannin our feindish revenge on dem herretics wot wrote on de wall "Bosco, you aint saved". When we got near de fish pond, my big bruvver tripped and knocked me into de water wiv a splosh. "Oh dere, Eccles is bein eaten by pirahna fish!" said Bosco. "Dat's a shame, innit? Well, bye-bye, Eccles, see you in Heaven I expect. Ha ha ha." (I suppose dat was hyssterics, but some mihgt mistakke it for a happy chukcle at de demisse of his luvvin bruvver.)

But de Lord give us a miraccle, and I weren't eaten by de dreddful fish. Actaully, it turned out dat, earlier in de day, Anti Moly had dived into de pond and eaten all de fish up, her dietarry requirments is sometimes a little odd. Of course no fish would bite my Anti Moly as she got very tuogh skin.

Bosco dere bruvver, I is very worried about our freind Damain Thopmson, despite all our eforts he is still a Cathlic. Now he have posted another pitcher of an iddle on his blogg, he says he is going to de Albet Hall to kiss it on Sunday. He cannot be saved like us.

Iddle of St Henry

Thursday 14 July 2011

De writin on de wall for Bosco

Well we'd better resumme de story of de mysteriuos writin on de wall. Someone wrote "Bosco, you aint saved" on de dinin room wall. Was it Jessus? Was it Anti Moly? Was it Fr Xavier Pell de Mons of de Cathlic church? Could it have been little bruvver Eccles (dat wuold be a clevver plot twist)?

Well, I started looking for finger prints, blood stanes, and scraps of tobbaco ash, like Sheerlock Homes wuold do. First I fuond Anti Moly sleepin sweetly under de tabble wiv 18 gin bottles. Next, I went to de tiolet, and on de wall I saw lots of interrestin grafitti wiv messages like "Cathlics is all dirty fagots and preverts", but I knew what dat was, it was just de first draft of Bosco's luvvly Christain blogg.

De briliant dettective Eccles was not to be thwatted, and in de end I worked out who it was by a deviuos strattegem, viz sayin out loud "Who dun that, eh?" One of de geusts turned out to be an imposter, he werent from de Lake Hellsinus Calumny Chappel at all, but from our grate rivvals de Lake Hellsapoppin Calvados Chapule. Dis is a scissmattic branch, wot have pervertted de teechins of our grate founder, St Chuck (whose statue we kisses each Sunday). De absurd herresies dey believe includes:

1. You gotta dress up as vampirres, not as clowns, to worsship de Lord.
2. Cathlicks is all dammed, but dey aint as bad as Musslims.
3. When convertin herretics who aint saved, dont use an axe but use a blunt instrumeant.
4. Worshippin iddles is bad, but Sabbaf-brakin is even worse, although you is allowed to do it on a Tuesday.

Dis is Pastor Lugosi of de herretical Calvados Chapule givvin de kiss of peace to a worhsipper. You can tell dey aint saved.

Wrong kiss of peace

Dis is de way WE in de Calumny Chappel, de really saved ones, does de kiss of peace.

Right kiss of peace

We is plannin a briliant coupp against dem Calvados herretics, just as soon as Bosco's concusion is better. De doctor said dat Bosco should take some tabblets, but I aint sure dat we gave him de the rihgt ones, he gone into de gardden wiv dem and is keeping de neihgbors awake wiv his shoutin.

Bosco takin de tablets

A plank in de eye

Dis is one of Bosco's favourite Calumny Chappel hynms, dat my freinds Bernardet and Dammon remindded me of on de Damain Thopmson blogg.

The Spirit said dat we was bad,
Plank, plank, in de eye!
Our sins was drivin us all mad,
Plank, plank, in de eye!

Plank in de eye,
Plank in de eye,
Plank in de eye,
You gotta plank in de eye.

Den Jessus took dat plank away,
Plank, plank in de eye!
So girls and boys go out to play,
Plank, plank in de eye!


De Spirrit is a lot of fun,
Plank, plank in de eye!
And now dat plank is been and gone,
Plank, plank in de eye!


No matter how we all behaved,
Plank, plank in de eye!
Lord Jessus came and we is saved,
Plank, plank in de eye!


Dis is de plank wot dey took out of Bosco's eye. I hopes dat he aint gonna grow annuver one.

Bosco's plank

Wednesday 13 July 2011

Hari Potter

Well de plan to cure my belloved bruvver Bosco of his concusion is continuin. Today he told me to call him Danniel and said he was gonna go into a lions den and de Lord would prottect him. We aint got a lions den howevver, de nearest place wiv wild creaturs is Anti Moly's beddroom, so Bosco knokced on de door and went in. "Go away!" screemed Anti Moly. "I gotta make some urggent coments on Cristinna Oddone's blogg, she's a woman and a sort of Cathlic so dat's fair game." Bosco he quacked with fear but de Lord was wiv him and he stayed in de lions den and began to sing a piuos hynm. De next fing he knew his ears was bein nailed to de wall, dats a trick de lions never managged I fink. It aint fun bein a Danniel, is it Bosco?

In order to rellax Bosco we took him to see a movvie at de cinnema, it was Hari Potter and de Deafly Hellos. I need to explane dis.
1. Hari is de Brittish spellin, I seen dat name a lot lately.
2. Deafly Hellos are relicks like Cathlics worhsip. Dey even got a maggazine called Hello wiv iddles in it.

We wanted to take Grate-Anti Moly wiv us, but dey stopped her at de door and said "We aint havin peeple dressed up as Volldemot comin into our cinnema, we got enuogh trubble wiv hooliganns already".
"She aint dressed up as Volldemot," explaned Bosco. "Dats her normal appearrance."
No good, dey wouldn't let her in, and anyways Anti said she cuoldnt really spare 3 hours away from de bloggs, in case she missed a good fihgt.

So Bosco and me went in wivvout Anti. I cant tell you whevver its Hari Potter or Volldemot wot wins, cos I never worked it out. All I will reveel is dat we neerly got frown out becuase Bosco kept shoutin out "Hari! You aint saved! Dem relicks is evil!" Dis shows dat he is nearly cured.

After de movvie Bosco he decidded he was very hungry and he invited some freinds from de Calumny Chappel round for a big dinner. Here dey is in speshul feastin clothes.

Bosco havvin dinner

Wot I dont understand is dat someon have written "Bosco, you aint saved" on de wall. Bosco is very upset, and we is gonna have to e-mail Jessus to make sure dat dis was only a jokke. Cos we is both saved, aint we, Bosco?

Tuesday 12 July 2011

Dont kiss relicks

Ullo, Bosco my dere bruvver. It seems dat de Lord provided a mirackulous cure, and your concusion is gettin better. You will soon be back to normal behaviuor, i.e. beetin up anyone who mihgt be a Cathlic.

De storry of how God wruoght a mirackle is very good, and when de Book of Bosco (written by Eccles) is added to de Bibble, dis will be one of de bits dat de folks in church will reely stay awake for. What hapenned was dat Prince Willaim and Katte was doin a royal tour near us, and Bosco decided to go and tell dem dat dey wasnt saved. Dis we may reggard as de martydrom of Bosco, as when he rushed up to dem brandishin a Bibble he was immediately atacked by de Army, de FBI, de LA police, de boy scuots, de girl giudes and de mothers-and-toddlers group. Dey beet him voilently and he got a blow on de head which cured his concusion (actaully, Bosco is embarassed as it was one of de toddlers who hit him wiv her dolly).

When Bosco was cured we decidded to go to de Calumny Chappel for a service of thanksgivin, and we even persauded Anti Moly to come along, sayin dat we'd buy some gin on de way so dat she had somethin to occupy her mind durin de Pastor's homilly.

But it turned out badly: we was drivin Anti Moly to church, and we stopped at de trafic lihgts outside a Cathlic Church. De priest came out and saw de wizzened figure of my Great-Ant fast aslepe in de car, and said "Oh Bosco, dat is very kind of you to bring us de bonnes of an old lady. Is dat de relicks of a saint? I gonna kiss em." He oppened de car door and gave my anti a big KISS on de lips, but she hit him wiv a gin bottle and said "Traddy Cathlics I hates em all!" Well dats only fair, nobody likes bein mistakken for a relick. So we decidded to go home again.

Well, dats all for now. Bosco is still behavin a little strangley to my expert eye. He wants me to call him Nebbuchadnozzer and he is gonna sleep in de garden and eat grass. Maybe de concusion aint all gone.

I gotta pitcher of Bosco relaxin in de garden.

Bosco in de garden

Monday 11 July 2011

De confesions of Bosco

I is pleased to see dat my dere bruvver Bosco has passed a good nihgt despite bein concused by Grate-Anti Moly's lapptop. She aint takin de blame, of course. In fact she have found a blogg postin dat Bosco made in 1996 sayin dat Austrialans cant be saved because Jesus would be upside-down if he went dere. She is usin dis as eviddence dat he atacked her first. Still, de finggers of supsicion are bein pointed at her, and she may decide to go away soon, especially as she has drunk all our gin.

Bosco sure was restless overnihgt as he kept talkin in his sleep. "I is a grate sinner," he said. "I confesses. It was me wot did 9/11 single-handed. I also stole all de gold in Fort Nkox and replaced it wiv chocolate wrapped in gold foil. I set fire to Rowwan Williams's beard. I filled Eccles's boots wiv treackle. I pinched Damain Thopmson's touppee when he came to visit. I covetted my neihgbour's servin-girl, except dat she slapped my face and said 'Stop covettin me, you pig'. Mea culppa, mea maximma culppa (dat's Lattin, it means 'It's a fair cop, I dunnit all rihgt, officer', and Cathlics says dat a lot). I got demons tormentin my sole, and I reppents."

I dont believe most of dem confesions of Bosco's although it is true dat my boots is a bit sticky, and dis creature what I thought was Bosco's pet hamster reely aint very lively. Here she is.

Grate-Anti Moly has gone out now, she says dat Bosco is drivin her mad wiv his confesions, and still dey go on. He says he is repsonsible for the Irish Potatto Fammine cos he got hunggry and ate all de potattoes. He is worried dat de police is gonna find out dat he is reely Jack de Ripper. Now he says dat it was him wot burnt de cakes and not King Alfred. Also he murderred Hamlet's father, and pinned de blame on Claudeus.

All rihgt Bosco darlin bruvver I will nuss you back to health, so dat you can go back to writtin your blogg and bein saved. Also Father Eel de Nutters of de Cathlic Emrggency Confesion Task Force have said dat you can stop confesin now, just say 200 Heil Marrys and you is forgivven. Den you can go back to bein a sinner as usaul.

Well I doesnt want to disturb Bosco in his fraggile state of health, but we has to be on de alertt for iddolatry, and here is somefink dat I saw on de TV, it was probbaly a religgious program. He's an uggly lookin saint aint he?

Sunday 10 July 2011

Bosco is concused

Ullo Bosco, my derest bruvver, you go and have a lie-down while I explanes what happened today.

We got Grate-Ant Molly settled in a room wiv a winder overlookin de rode, so dat if anyone came past she could go out and screem abbuse at dem, dis is called a hobby. We also got wirless internet, so she can keep up wiv de discussions on de bloggs. Dere is some scandle involvin Joanne Hairy, de chap what came and interviwed Bosco, and dis means dat Grate-Ant Molly needs to pick on all de Cathlics on de blogg and call dem names, dis is called inteliggent debate.

Well, Bosco was in de front gardden getting ready to kiss an ornnament dat we put there. It is Saint Peter de fisherman and here he is.

Suddenly a lapptop computter came flyin out of de winder of Anti Molly's room, together with a screem of "Lies! All lies! I was never banned!"

Bosco was underneeth, and got concused. From then on, he have been behavin very strangley... I don't mean his normal ecentricties, much worse. He said he had been a sinnful person and wanted to confess and get absollution. Dis is what Cathlics do (in de Calumny Chappel we knows dat we is saved and so dere is no need to worry about sins). So he went off to see Father X. O'Cise who lives neerby.

About five hours later I gotta phone call, "Dis is Fr O'Cise, can you come and colect Bosco, he is confessin his sins, and so far have only got up to de age of 9 months when he frew his teddy bare out of de pram sayin it was an iddle. I cant take any more of dis."

Bein a good bruvver I brought Bosco home (Anti Molly had gone out to buy gin). He is still concused as he says he wants to apollogise for tryin to kill me. I fink he's confussed as I certainly aint notissed him killin me.

Here is de first iddle dat Bosco tried to desstroy when he was a luvly baby.


Saturday 9 July 2011

Prayers for de sick

Ullo dere Bosco my darlin bruvver, let us ressume de storry of Grate-Ant Molly’s visit. Bosco and me, we had decided to go to de Calumny Chappel for a speshul service of intersession, cos dere is a lot of very sick peoples in de neihgborhood, and we likes to pray for dem. For exapmle, dere is:

1. A pliceman wot was atacked by a scropion (dat's what dey calls Alfie, de pussy cat dat Bosco gave me), and he is in a comma. De pliceman I mean, not Alfie, who has run away and probbably aint in a comma.
2. A little boy who I gave one of dem assenic sweeties dat Bosco buoght for me, and has now got teribble stomahc ache. Maybe he ate somethin bad.
3. A young lady what was walking past our house and was hit by a crossbow bolt wot came frew de winder. Actaully I was lucky cos it was fired by Bosco and very naerly hit me his darlin little bruvver. Bosco says dat I shuoldnt mention this.

Life sure is dangerous in our street. Lukcily I has my bruvver Bosco to look after me.

Dere was also gonna be de usaul prayers dat we does, viz "Oh God please smite de Pop and give him toothahce cos he aint saved and he needs to be tuaght a lesson cos he's still burnin all dem what aint Cathlics. Please also do somefink about de nasty funguss dissease wot Bosco got, even though you cant see it when he's got his clothes on. Hopes you is havin a good time in Heaven, dont let Mary boss you around. Love Eccles, what has been saved, as you may have seen on his blogg. Amen."

We asked Grate-Ant Molly if she would like to come. She said she didnt believe in god or gods, but she would come along and bring her lapptop, as she wanted to write some pungennt cricketism of her enemas. "Has you got enemas, Anti?" asked Bosco. "Who are dey? Let me bite em on my luvvly blogg."

"Dey is everyone on de Damain Thopmson blogg," reply my darlin Anti. "Dey is all fanattical Catlics and sockpopes, except for you, dere Bosco and Eccles, and one or two uvvers like de man who is recoverin from a kick from his pet lama and a famous novellist wot is very pious and writes a blog about how horrid his children are. My enemas has even been mockin me, a laddy of advannced years who has led a very interrestin life. I has to spend all my wakking hours on dis blogg or dey will get de better of me."

However, Great-Anti Molly changed her mind about chruch when we explaned dat we was also gonna sing hynms in de Calumny Chappel, e.g. "Shine on me, and don't shine on de Cathlics". She says she likes Yakety-Sax but I dont fink dat's one of our hynms. So we found her anuvver botle of gin, and she settled down to catch up on her bloggin.It reely ainy much trubble havin Grate-Anti Molly wiv us, except dat gin is expensive.

Dey named a drink after our Grate-Ant, and here it is.

Grate-Ant Gin