Predict the Pope!

Another rather rushed World Cup to predict whom the cardinals will choose at the conclave starting on May 7th. Rather than listing all eligible people (1.5 billion Catholics) I have gone for the 12 who have been named in most lists of papabile cardinals. These are:

Besungu
Bo
Eijk
Erdő
Parolin
Pizzaballa
Prevost
Ranjith
Sarah
Tagle
Turkson
Zuppi

Meanwhile, Cardinal Parolin already knows who will be chosen. Here he is wearing Pope Francis's mitre at the Youth Sunday Mass in St Peter's Square.

"Just call me Francis II"

---

SEMIFINALS

Pizzaballa 76.3 v Eijk 23.7

Sarah 42.2 v Erdő 57.8

FINAL

Pizzaballa 58.9 v Erdő 41.1

Pierbattista Pizzaballa gets the job. Good luck - you'll need it!

ADDENDUM: Well, in fact it was Robert Prevost.

"Name that Pope" World Cup

There has been too much speculation over who will be the next man in the hot seat - from seven lists that I have seen, the most-nominated people are:

Erdő, Parolin 6,
Tagle 5,
Turkson, Zuppi 4,
Besungu, Bo, Eijk, Pizzaballa, Prevost, Sarah 3,

so it probably won't be any of those.

Time for another Pope Linus?

Instead, we're holding a World Cup to see whether we can guess the name that the next Pope will take. The obvious choice is Eccles, but in fact the 24 nominees are:

Adrian
Alexander
Benedict
Boniface
Clement
Eugene
Felix
Francis
Gregory
Innocent
John
John-Paul
Julius
Leo
Martin
Nicholas
Paul
Peter
Pius
Sergius
Sixtus
Stephen
Theodore
Urban

and if we are quick we can get a decision in time for the white smoke.

Some people will never be happy.

---

SEMIFINALS

John 48.9 v Leo 51.1

Clement 40.4 v Gregory 59.6

FINAL

Leo 50.0 v Gregory 50.0

A dead heat. Let's leave it as that. The next pope is going to be Leo XIV or Gregory XVII (unless he's not very good at Roman numerals).

ADDENDUM: Well, those who said Leo XIV got it right!

Supreme Court decides what 2+2 makes

The UK Supreme Court has finally ruled on one of the most controversial issues of our time, and its decision is that 2+2 equals 4, and not 3, 5, 6, π, or any other number.

Justice at last!

To many people this has been blindingly obvious for years, but "transfer" activists have long campaigned for other numbers to be allowed - indeed the most extreme mathematicians claim that places normally reserved for "4" could also be occupied by "5". (A related group is the "sex maniacs" who, basing their arguments on Latin, suggest that all pairings end in SEX.)

Of course, not everyone is happy, least of all Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ.

Spadaro is part of the "transfer" movement.

Naturally, the decision that 2+2=4 will have effects throughout the country. Chancellor Rachel Reeves will have to redo her financial calculations, which were already regarded by many as suspect. The Equation Act already gives protection to the number 4, and "trans numbers" such as 5 will now be excluded from 4-only sports such as polo and bridge.

Another person unhappy with the ruling is Jolyon Forsyte KC, said to be the only barrister to have practised in a kimono while wielding a baseball bat (see Maugham v Fox, 2019). He is already raising money for a legal challenge via throwitdownthedrain.org. Thanks to the wonders of arithmetic, a donation of £2000 followed by another donation of £2000 (anything less is small change for a lawyer) will add £5000 to the fighting fund. Possibly.

Tributes flood in for Ted McCarrick

So farewell then, Theodore "Ted" McCarrick, now gone to that great beach house in the sky (other destinations are possible). Naturally we have been overwhelmed with tributes to the great man.

A great loss to the rice industry.

DONALD WUERL

When I became Archbishop of Washington in 2006, there was talk of the great spiritual leader who had preceded me, but I'm afraid that I never met him, and certainly never worked with him. I wonder what became of him?

This picture is probably a forgery.

MARKO RUPNIK

Uncle Ted was a man after my own heart, although his taste was for boys and seminarians, rather than nuns. But let's be broad-minded! He's a great loss to the sexual abuse community.

"Uncle Ted" by Marko Rupnik.

KEVIN FARRELL

Now that he's dead people are telling all sorts of tales about Uncle Ted, but I can assure you that in all the time that I shared an apartment building with him there was never any hint of misconduct. All I remember was that the central heating made odd screaming sounds in the night, and Uncle Ted would shout "QUIET" at it, but I assumed that he was merely attempting to perform a miracle.

POPE FRANCIS

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I knew nothing."

Who?

Narnia poll

There is apparently a Narnia movie forthcoming on Netflix, produced by Greta Gerwig, which will star the actress Meryl Streep in the role of Aslan.

Obviously female.

A modest rewriting of the Wikipedia article on The Last Battle gives us this:

In the western regions of Narnia, the clever and greedy ape Gerwig persuades the naive donkey Streep to wear a lion's skin, and introduces her to the other Narnians as the Great Lion Aslan.

To celebrate this inspired casting, a mini Twitter poll will be held to decide on the people's favourite of the seven Narnia books.

Actually, a much more controversial poll would be to decide on the proper order in which to read C.S. Lewis's work. Do we put The Magician's Nephew first? Or last? Or penultimate? I'm not getting into that dispute.

---

RESULTS AS THEY COME IN.

SEMI-FINALS

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader 42.3 v The Last Battle 57.7

Prince Caspian 11.0 v The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe 89.0

FINAL

The Last Battle 21.3 v The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe 78.7

So the first book was the best, and the last book the second best!

Muslim synod announced

Following the striking success of the Catholic Synod on Synodal Synodality, our Islamic brothers have announced a Muslim Synod on Synodalised Synodding, which is to be seen as a follow-up from the "Mecca II" Council of the 1960s.

The strangely-familiar synod logo.

We spoke to Mike Al-Potato of the "Where Ali is" blog. "Of course, the Ayatollah Farhan-Zees is always right, and his Synod should bring the Islamic churches kicking and screaming into the 11th century," he said. "By the way, everyone who disagrees with me deserves to be stoned."

Sister Nat-Ali Burqua, one of the proposed "synodal mothers", is delighted with this opportunity to change Islamic teaching. "Should men really receive 72 virgins in Paradise?" she asked. "Cannot they make do with, say, 24? Also, what's in it for us women?"

Sister Nat-Ali.

One of the synodal experts is Ustan I-Verei, Professor of Canon Law at the Islamic University of Bradford, and regular contributor to the Taliban magazine. However, as usual, he had nothing interesting to say, so we'll move quickly on.

The Mecca II prayer-mat used by Ustan I-Verei.

Another topic up for discussion at the synod is the Islamic prohibition on alcohol and pork. Given that the synodal dinners are to be supplied by the "Saracen's Head" public house ("Beer and sausages our speciality") we may expect some changes in this respect.

Possibly a bit tactless.