This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday 17 November 2018

Brexodus 14: Maysis maketh a deal

Continued from Chapter 13

1. For four months after the departure of King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, the mighty leader May-sis continued to guide the children of Bri-tain.

2. And a new prophet was appointed, Dominus the Raabi, who was to speak with Michael Bar-Nier, the servant of Pharaoh Juncker of EUgypt.

Theresa May dancing

May-sis performeth a dance to please the people.

3. So, as the winter approached, Maysis announced an agreement that would make everyone equally happy: that is, not at all.

4. First, the children of Bri-tain would stay exactly where they were, but would be told "Guess what? Thou hast left EU-gypt."

5. Next, there would be an end to the brutal chastisement with whips, which so grieved the people. Henceforth, the children of Britain would be chastised with scorpions.

Daniel Craig and a scorpion

St James of Bond suffereth chastisement from a scorpion.

6. For these blessings, as for many others, such as the throwing of the Irishites into the sea, the children of Bri-tain would pay nine and thirty baskets of precious stones.

7. But to the astonishment of May-sis, the people refused to accept that a new era of happiness was dawning.

8. First there were the Gray Lingites, the Adonais, and others, who spake out saying "Give us a People's Vote, for those who voted last time were not people, but mere serfs."

9. "And let us vote many times: let our Nay be Nay, and let our Yea be Nay as well."

10. Then there were the Corbynites who spake out, saying "We care not what happeneth, provided that we are given the keys to the Street of Downing."

11. And many of the advisers of May-sis fled in disarray, including Dominus the Raabi, who had still not determined what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

12. And May-sis sought for another adviser, and the lot fell upon St Stephen Bar-Clay, for he alone was slow off the mark while the others fled.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

Finally, the voice of the Mogg is heard in the land.

13. So at last, there came the mighty voice of Jacob Gogg-Magogg, saying, "Well, actually, don't you know, mine honourable friend hath lost honour and I feel that, on balance, it is time to cast her into a deep pit filled with savage dogs."

14. Thus Gogg-Magogg wrote to the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922, saying, "Alas, my confidence in May-sis is departed. Here is a short list of 300 people who could do a better job."

15. And May-sis waited to see how many more letters were sent to the council of 1922: for her fate depended on this.

Continued in Chapter 15.

Friday 16 November 2018

U.S. bishops vote not to reject Satan

In an 83 to 137 vote (with 3 abstentions), the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have voted not to reject Satan.

The question "Do you reject Satan?", usually asked (in some form) at baptisms, is notorious for being a difficult one to answer. The obvious reponse, "Well, I really don't want to make any new enemies," is not usually considered adequate, and parents and godparents who are stuck for a reply are usually encouraged either to "phone a friend" or to "ask the audience".

Still, one expects bishops to have a ready-made answer, and it was somewht disconcerting to find that they were so divided on the issue. Follow-up questions like "Do you think sexual abuse is a problem?" and "Have you ever visited Ted McCarrick's beach house?" also divided the bishops.

Faithful Catholics may feel disappointed at the bishops' evident reluctance to upset the Father of Lies, the Prince of Darkness, and the Maker of Empty Promises; some might have expected them to reject the glamour of evil and refuse to be mastered by sin. But do we have a right to complain? In the words of Cardinal DiNardo, president of the USCCB, "You do your job, and we'll do ours!" Well, that's certainly worked out well so far.


DiNardo finds a "safe space" away from members of the public.

Even less helpful was Cardinal Cupich, who said "Leave it to the Vatican to decide what's best." In point of fact we have been waiting on a telephone line to the Vatican for the last two years, listening to "Gather us in" on an endless loop, after we phoned up with a request for the answers to some Dubia.

Bishop being pinched

"Ooh! he pinched my backside!" Typical bishop-games.

So it's business as usual, I'm afraid.

Wednesday 14 November 2018

Vatican revives the Index Librorum Prohibitorum

It gives us great pleasure to announce that the Vatican has revived the Index Librorum Prohibitorum of publications deemed heretical, or contrary to morality.

The Index was abolished by Pope Paul VI in 1966, after the Vatican II Council decided that heresy and immorality were henceforth perfectly good "alternative lifestyles". It is slightly surprising that Pope Francis should have restored it.

The compiler of the new Index is Father Thomas Rosica of the Satan Lite corporation, a regular reader of this blog. Here is his list, as revealed by Michael "Vortex" Voris. Note that it includes the Tablet, America, and the National Catholic Reporter, all publications that make excellent cat-litter.

Rosica's list

Websites to be avoided at all costs.

Unfortunately there are various Fake News stories going round. One is that this bunch of dreadful sites was actually recommended as "Trusted sources for Catholic News". Seems unlikely, doesn't it? On the other hand, how did Rosie's own Satan Lite group get into his list? Associated with this is another Fake News story - that the original list contained other Vatican favourites, including the "Gay Priests in Bondage" magazine, and Cardinal Cupich's magnum opus "A guide to purely consensual sinning."

Rosica reading a comic

"Gosh, that shouldn't be allowed!"

We are still awaiting the Vatican's real guide to trusted news sources. You will know it is genuine when is listed.

Wednesday 7 November 2018

Stop teasing poor Massimo

Egg on face time for Professor Massimo "Beans" Faggioli, the world's greatest theologian, as he was caught by a practical joke from Matthew Schmitz of First Things and the Catholic Herald.

Schmitz posted some interesting sentiments about Pope Francis, and Massi jumped in to say what nonsense they were.

Massimo and Schmitz

The snag was, that Schmitz's tweet was a direct quotation from Fr Rosica of the Satan Lite Media Group, one of Pope Francis's chief bootlickers. Of course, Rosie was describing Pope Francis as a dictator with enthusiasm, a point of view that most people would not share.

Rosie's rant

Was Rosie the author of "The Dictator Pope" after all?

Oh well, we all make mistakes, except Pope Francis of course, and Massi was very amused to be caught in the trap. So much so that he responded in these terms:

Massimo and Schmitz

We amateur snipers can only look on in wonder.

If I were not running the World Cup of Bad Hymns (see this blog and my Twitter feed ad nauseam, and with particular nausea as we approach the semi-finals), I would try and organize a "Let's amuse Massi" competition. We could tweet something at him, and see if he bites.


1. Quote a chunk of Amoris Laetitia, the sillier the better, and see if he condemns it.

2. Quote something Massi himself said (he says so much that he can't possibly remember it all), and wait for it to be rejected.

3. (Best of all) quote Holy Scripture, perhaps a few verses from the Sermon on the Mount, and see Massi tell us that this is old-fashioned thinking and "modern theology like what I does" has shown it to be ridiculous.

the three stooges

Jim, Steve, and Rosie prepare a practical joke on Massi.

Monday 5 November 2018

Time to run screaming from the church

We've reached the knockout stage of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Once again, some prize specimens have been eliminated, such as: I, the Lord of sea and sky (Here I am, Lord), The world is full of smelly feet, Sing a new church, They'll know we are Christian, and Christ be our light. But look at what's left...

The knockout stage goes as follows:

Quarter-finals, beginning November 5th:

A: Group 1 winner v Group 2 runner-up:
Shine, Jesus, Shine (Graham Kendrick) v Come to the table of plenty (Daniel Schutte).
Result: 54-46.

B: Group 2 winner v Group 1 runner-up:
One bread, one body (John Foley) v Gather us in (Marty Haugen).
Result: 35-65.

C: Group 3 winner v Group 4 runner-up:
Lord of the dance (Sydney Carter) v Gloria, clap, clap (Martin Anderson).
Result: 57-43.

D: Group 4 winner v Group 3 runner-up:
On eagle's wings (Michael Joncas) v Kumbayah (anon).
Result: 45-55.

Semi-finals, beginning November 13th:

1. Winner of A v Winner of C.
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Lord of the dance
Result: 38-62.

2. Winner of B v Winner of D.
Gather us in v Kumbayah
Result: 54-46.

Third place playoff, November 19th:
Shine, Jesus, Shine v Kumbayah
Result: 51-49.

Final on November 22nd, St Cecilia's Day.
Lord of the Dance v Gather us in
Result: 56-44.

Congratulations to Sydney Carter, and if you want a good laugh, read THIS.

St Cecilia

You want to sing WHAT???

May I beg all supporters to behave themselves and refrain from violence. We don't want scenes such as we saw in the 1898 World Cup of bad hymns, when fans of Ira D. Sankey's Sacred songs and solos went crazy and started singing:

Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is drifting away;
Throw out the lifeline! Throw out the lifeline!
Someone is sinking today.
History relates that supporters of Knowles Shaw retaliated with:
'Tis the hand of God on the wall,  
'Tis the hand of God on the wall;  
Shall the record be, "Found wanting," or shall it be, "Found trusting!"
While that hand is writing on the wall?  
There were fifty arrests and two hundred casualties (mostly people driven permanently insane). No, we don't want any more of that, thank you.

fighting in church

Someone's fighting, Lord, Kumbayah.

Update: We have had requests for a "People's Vote" re-run, amidst allegations of Russian interference and illegal campaigning. Sorry, the results will stand.

Friday 2 November 2018

I invented Fr James Martin

All right, my secret is out. As revealed by the formidable @lamblock, the character "Fr James Martin LGBTSJ" doesn't really exist, he is one of my own creations.

So what's wrong with that? Lots of people find it desirable to spice up their blogs with comic characters once in a while (cf. Fr Z's Zuhlio, Fr Longenecker's Duane Mandible, and the Tablet's Tina Beattie). I've even had a few other visitors to this blog, such as Fr Arthur, Sister Judy Piranha, and Anti Moly, whose existence is not fully established.

Satanic James Martin

So ludicrous you should have guessed it was photoshopped!

Yes, the concept of a Jesuit priest, living in New York, whose hobbies consist of (in no particular order):

1. Promoting LGBT issues;
2. Making up absurd bits of heresy;
3. Moaning about Trump;
4. Writing trashy books;
5. Self-publicity;
6. Making up absurd bits of heresy in order to moan about Trump and promote LGBT issues in his latest self-publicising trashy book...

is frankly absurd.

James Martin tweet

One of "Jim"'s favourites - pretending the Holy Spirit is female.

Look, you idiots. If Jim was a real person, he would have been disciplined by Cardinal Dolan, his ordinary, or General Sosa, the Big Cheese Jesuit. In any case a wise and orthodox pope such as Francis would never in a million years have asked him to advise on any issue more serious than the time of the next bus. Get real!

Bless you, folks, he is even supposed to have teamed up with New Ways Ministry, a well-known group of freaks, heretics, loonies, rebels, dissidents and all-round not-quite-Catholic fruitcakes. Or did I make them up as well?

James Martin tweet

"Mary Magdalene was the church." One of my silliest ideas, although I say it myself.

I'll tell you, it wasn't easy to hack into Amazon and make it seem that they were advertising a book called Building a Bridge which promotes LGBT stuff in clear contradiction to Catholic teaching. I hope nobody actually tried to buy the book, as what they will have received is a perfectly orthodox guide to civil engineering for children.

Building bridges

"I cannot recommend this book too highly" - Pope Benedict XVI.

Anyway, the cat is out of the bag now. So I will leave you to work out which of the following comic characters are also Eccles inventions:

1. Fr Thomas Rosica;
2. Cardinal Marx;
3. Dr Austen Ivereigh;
4. Cardinal Baldisseri.

HINT: One of them is real.

Another brilliant bit of photoshopping.