"Until I read the news in the paper," he explained, "I did not realise I was the Pope. They told me that, since I was so unpopular in Argentina, I should take a sabbatical in Rome, but I never imagined that I held the top job. Imagine my surprise when the Tablet announced that I was the Pope!"
"Dubia? I see no Dubia."
Apparently there was a large pile of unanswered letters of complaint, demands for clarification, and more, all addressed to "THE POPE", and Francis had been wondering for five years why nobody had opened them. "The same goes for electricity and gas bills," he added. "We've been sitting in the dark for several years, and living on takeaways, since the electricity and gas were turned off. Whenever the Pope, whoever he is, turns up, I hope he will take some action, such as excommunicating members of the Rome Power Company."
The Pope's admission has at least quelled suspicions that Cardinal Baldisseri, the well-known collector of other people's books, had been suppressing the Pope's post. Baldisseri himself admitted that he was too busy manipulating the forthcoming Synod on Yoof in Rome. "I've already worked out what the young people will decide," he explained, "and I haven't even had to meet any. How would I possibly have had time to look at the Pope's correspondence?"
LATE NEWS: God claims: "I never received any prayers from Pope Francis, I just read about them in the newspaper."