This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 21 August 2023

The eight worst synodal horrors

So the World Cup of Synodal Horrors, a little diversion to prepare you for the heretical bedlam expected in October, has reached the quarter-final stage.

The knockouts start on August 22nd, and the results of the final stages of the competition will be reported here.

Here we go... Treebeard the Ent is coming along too.

The draw is as follows:

Dr Austen Ivereigh 69.6 v Sr Nathalie Becquart 30.4

No congratulatory kiss for Sr Nathalie, as Austen's great experience gives him an easy victory here.

Bp Georg Bätzing 22.2 v Fr James Martin 77.8

Class tells, as Jimbo's long experience of undermining Catholic doctrine easily brushes aside the promising newcomer.

Cdl Blase Cupich 47.8 v Abp Víctor Fernández 52.2

The world's worst cardinal loses his first ever battle: sheer nastiness is not enough to see him through against the kissing bishop.

Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich 37.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 62.9

Uncle Arthur takes the cake here. The Hell Choir (anag.) cannot stop him.


Dr Austen Ivereigh 31.7 v Abp Víctor Fernández 68.3

Ivereigh the veteran horror is swept away by the passionate newcomer.

Fr James Martin 69.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 30.9

Two old friends of this blog slug it out, and England's last hope is eliminated.


Dr Austen Ivereigh 47.6 v Cdl Arthur Roche 52.4

Bronze Medal for Uncle Arthur, as he brushes aside the poison Ivereigh to take 3rd place.


Abp Víctor Fernández 54.1 v Fr James Martin 45.9

Golden-calf "Tucho" pushes past silver-tongued Jimbo to win the competition. Now, boys, no fighting - please kiss and make friends.

To finish off, a few horrid synod-related pictures, most of which have already appeared here.

Synod and Synodality

A little-known novel by Jane Austen

Ivereigh dance

Spiritual exercises.

Synodal matter

Our experts have been told how to respond to all enquiries.

Synod word diagram

No room for Father, Son, or Holy Spirit, but never mind.

Monday 14 August 2023

"Coming out" - a new book from Martintrash (TM)

  • Was Pontius Pilate the "beloved disciple" in John's Gospel?
  • Did Mary Magdalene write Matthew's Gospel?
  • Was Lazarus the "he who is without sin" who cast the first stone?
  • Were the Gadarene swine really gerbils?
These are questions that have baffled New Testament scholars for generations, but now Fr James Martin SJLGBT, author of the best-selling "Learning to Prey", has all the answers!


Did the demons really say "Cast us into this flock of gerbils"?

From the man who told us that :
  • at one time the entire Catholic Church consisted of Mary Magdalene;
  • the Holy Spirit is female;
  • it took Jesus two tries before He could successfully heal the blind man;
  • He took advice from the Canaanite woman about what His mission was...
we have the answers to questions that left Ambrose, Aquinas, Athanasius and Augustine (also lots of people whose names come later in the telephone directory) saying "Cor strike a light, I haven't a clue about these!"

"From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." - Gregory the Great.

Note the title "Coming out" - was Lazarus really LGBT, and was this a hint from Jesus that he should recognise his true identity and move to New York? Well, I won't spoil the book for you by revealing all the secrets.

Ivereigh and Martin

Already the critics are praising "Coming out".

Top Synodist, Dr Jane Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis, the great redeemer", "The Pope Francis keep-fit book", "Go away, Austen, I'm trying to sleep", and "Synod and Synodality" is full of praise for the book.

Ivereigh trash

Hang on, Eccles, he really said that!

Eccles recommendation: Lose no time in reading this book!

Wednesday 2 August 2023

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30

Continued from Chapter 29.

1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different reasons, were serious in their beliefs.

2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year" prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful "GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.

Humanist meeting

Those were happy times for Richard.

3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.

4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes, indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth, at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"

5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as "Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".

6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one, had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either male, female, or Snape.

7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne too much.

King's Cross

The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.

8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.

9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.

10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the slogan "Be kind".

11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"

12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"


"I agree with Richard!"

13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year award.

14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting as an external expert.

Continued in Chapter 31

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.