Here is today's brain teaser: How can one explain to children that - for example - their mother, abandoned by their father and often not willing to establish another marriage bond, receives the Sunday Eucharist with them, while their father, cohabiting or awaiting the declaration of the nullity of the marriage, cannot participate in the Eucharistic table? Golly, that's a head-scratcher, isn't it? Why, even Pope Francis can't answer that. that one, it's all about sharing in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster. Anyway, I can't find it at the moment - it may be in a foot-foot-foot-note printed in 2pt type - but I'm fairly sure it says we mustn't judge people, there is no such thing as good and evil, let us accompany the sinner on his journey of reconciliation. No that doesn't mean we have to sin as well, Walter! Now, try and be merciful!" Ray and Walter are very keen children. They wrote a letter to Pope Francis with some questions about Amoris Laetitia, but the reply must have got lost in the post.
In other news, there is hope for Cardinal Zen, as Pope Francis has finally agreed to receive a cardinal
from a country with a despotic ruler who encourages massacres of the innocent.
No, not China.
This is me, Eccles
Saturday, 30 January 2021
Thursday, 28 January 2021
Some personal news: I'll be joining Catholics For Genocide as their Director of Communications and Strategy on February 1st. As a Christian and someone deeply committed to mass murder and ethnic cleansing, it's a dream to join this team of brilliant advocates. I am hoping that my move will backed by Chelsea Clinton and the beautiful Charlotte Clymer, who coincidentally has just been appointed as Director of Communications and Strategy for our sister organization Catholics For Choice! Meanwhile, Uncle Joe Biden has promised to give funding to Planned Orphanhood, which is one of our partners in the mission of bringing Catholic values into the business of widespread slaughter.
Sunday, 24 January 2021
After our piece from Brian Cox, aged 13, explaining that science rules out the existence of the soul, another clever child has sent us a contribution. Hello, I'm Alice Roberts, of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. I may be only 11, but I won the school's Frankenstein Prize for Biology, and I am very very clever. Like Brian Cox, I have friends who call me Professor (as well as Miss Smuggy-bloomers) and when I grow up I want to be on the television!!
Hello, my name is Brain Cox, aged 13, of St Dawkins' Comprehensive Shcool, Oldham. I am a very clever boy, and top in Sceince, which is Pshyics, Chemitsry, Boilogy ect. I am so clever that the other boys call me Proffesor, Swotty, and sometimes Genuis!
Friday, 22 January 2021
After watching events on the other side of the Atlantic, I decided that it was time to look more holy. Obviously, being a devout Catholic is all a matter of public image, and has nothing to do with what you actually do. But some people don't realise this, so I got myself a Press Secretary.
Thursday, 21 January 2021
Jerusalem Times, Good Friday, AD 33. Cardinal Jupich Iscariot, winner of the World Cup of Bad Apostles, today condemned a statement from the other eleven disciples, which had been issued from a secret address ("The upper room") to mark the crucifixion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. Jupich described the statement as ill-considered and felt that its critical attack on Governor Joe Pilaten was inappropriate. Unfavourable comments about the habits of Joe's pet camel, A, were also considered offensive.
Tuesday, 12 January 2021
We shall be holding a Requiem Mass for all those slain by the tyrant Rasputin "Jack" Dorsey in the recent Twitter massacres. Top of the list is @realDonaldTrump, known for his very modest tweets such as "EXCUSE ME FOR MENTIONING IT, BUT THERE MAY HAVE BEEN SOME VOTING IRREGULARITIES RECENTLY. I COULD BE WRONG." and "JOE BIDEN IS A DEEPLY RELIGIOUS MAN BUT I THINK I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE A SLIGHTLY BETTER PRESIDENT THAN HE WOULD BE."
Abide with me, fast falls the Twitter price, Jack's shares are tumbling, that's not very nice.
Saturday, 9 January 2021
Continued from Chapter 11. 1. At the end of the year the Emperor Macron of the Frenchites ended the great war, and the children of Bri-tain were ready for their next crisis. 2. For the plague continued to rage fiercely, and Bo-sis decided to lock down the people once more. I should hot drink made with roasted and ground cacao seeds mixed with milk and water!" 12. Although Keir, chief of the Labourites, did indeed go forth into the streets. However, he took no cocoa with him, lest he be arrested by the guards for committing the great crime known as Pic-nic. Continued in Chapter 13.
Thursday, 7 January 2021
Part of a newly-discovered manuscript by Agatha Christie.
Miss Marbles was a white-haired old lady with a gentle appealing manner, and known as "Loster" Marbles to her nearest and dearest. However, her great friend Sir Henry Blithering, a retired Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, knew that if anyone could solve the mystery of the Washington riots, it would be she.
Wednesday, 6 January 2021
Pastor Emanuel Cleaver, part-time Democratic Congressman and part-time United Methodist minister (so managing to serve God and Mammon at the same time), has hit back at critics of his "A-men and A-woman" ending to a prayer. "It is not right to say that I have a hidden A-gender," he explained. "People have said that I am a blasphemous twerp who mocks religion. I want to put them straight on this, and explain that I am simply a complete moron." Actually, what he really said was that his critics are "soiled by selfishness, perverted by prejudice and inveigled by ideology," which is amazing alliteration, incredible invective, and charming chatter, but not the sort of thing we expected a holy man of God to say in a theological debate.
Sunday, 3 January 2021
Over now to Dublin, where the newly-appointed archbishop, Dermot Farrell, is consulting his spiritual director, Monsignor Gríma Wormtongue. Bishop Georg Bätzing, head of the German Bishops' Conference. He's gone the full Jimbo, with calls for a change in church teaching on homosexual relationships, ordination of women deacons and priests, and so on. He'll be getting a cardinal's hat next time, like Uncle Wilt Gregory, who got his for being nasty about Donald Trump. DF: But does Bätzing really expect church teaching to change?