Well, that's enough Education. We'll discuss Culture another day. [Head teacher runs screaming from the room.]
This is the spiritual journey of me, Eccles, my big brother Bosco, and my Grate-Anti Moly. Eccles is saved, but we've got real problems with Bosco and Anti.
This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
Friday, 15 September 2023
Fr Spadaro takes up education
Over now to St Bergoglio's Jesuit College, where the head teacher is just introducing a
VERY IMPORTANT PERSON to the primary class.
HT: Now class, I want you all to give a big welcome to Fr Antonio Spadaro
from the Dicastery for Culture and Education. He's going to give you all a lesson
so that we can see how modern education works.
The Pope meets a cultured and educated man.
AS: Hello, everyone. Let's see what you know. We'll start with some hard sums.
What is 2 plus 2, can anyone
tell me?
Child 1: Please, sir, I know. It's 4.
AS: You miserable backwardist MORON! [Child 1 bursts into tears.]
Someone else?
[Cries of "3", "but it is 4", "5", "a million zillion squillion", "ask the Synod".]
AS: Clearly you are no good at hard sums. As budding Jesuits you should
never give a clear answer, anyway. The answer is it MAY be 5. but it MAY not be.
Got that?
[Class looks puzzled, and the teacher continues.]
AS: Let's try Physics.
What is electric, and has fields of attraction and repulsion round it?
[Class: "a magnet", "a battery", "a wire", "a robot".]
AS: No, you're all wrong! You witless worms!
And now, the Janitor gives the correct answer!
AS: We'll do some spiritual exercises later, when Professor James Martin comes over
in his rainbow leotard to teach you about Ignatian Yoga. Meanwhile, can anyone
answer this one? Who is worshipped by the Catholic Church?
Child 2: Jesus, sir!
AS: Wrong, WRONG, WRONG!!!
Jesus is
indifferent to suffering, peevish and insensitive, unbreakably harsh, an unmerciful theologian, rigid, and confused.
What's more, He is definitely an indietrist, refusing to adapt to modern society.
Don't you realise that "Jesuit" is a short form of "Jesus Insult"? That should give you a clue what attitude to adopt.
[Child 2 runs out of the class. Other children
makes guesses such as "Mary", "Peter", "Arthur Roche" and "Tucho Fernández".]
AS: I despair of you, children! The answer is Pope Francis! Francis the humble! Francis, the man with
his own Magisterium. Francis the saintly! Francis the only pope who was ever infallible!
Saturday, 9 September 2023
More about "Come Forth"
Disclaimer: when I
last wrote about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ's new book, I thought I was joking when I said that "Come Forth" meant "Come Out" in the
sense of "Stop suppressing your sexual urges, get your pants off, and come to the next Pride meeting!"
But it seems that he did indeed mean this (plus a lot of nonsense about Lazarus being the disciple that Jesus loved).
So I will try and do a better review.
My apologies to Fr Jim!
Extensive research (oh, at least 10 minutes) has shown that many of Jesus's sayings have double meanings.
Thanks to Fr Antonio "2+2=5" Spadaro we now know that Jesus was not always a cosy comfortable ice-cream eating Bidenite
Catholic, but that He started His ministry as a nasty callous climate-denying rigid neo-Trumpian orange-haired brute.
It was only after meeting the Canaanite woman (we don't have a name for her, but it was probably Nancy)
that He became aware that His mission was to
become a liberal
LGBTQ-supporting Jesuit.
Could this be the Canaanite woman?
Once Jesus had been put on the correct path, Fr Jim tells us that He
said many things which have been misinterpreted by theologians over the last 2000
years. Luckily Jimbo is here to put us straight! (Not the right word, but never mind.)
He that is without sin among you: let him cast the first stone. This is a great saying. It basically tells us that you can do what you like and nobody can criticise.
Of course some people
- such as the Pope, Jesuits, left-wing politicians, etc. ARE without sin, so if you find stones coming through your roof,
you can be sure that they know about you.
Synodists (without sin) get fit for some stone-throwing.
I am the Alpha and the Omega. This quotation from the Book of Revelation shows that
Jesus was already encouraging us to indicate our sexual preferences by letters. Nowadays we would
say "I am the Lambda, the Gamma, the Beta, and the Tau" or "LGBT" for short.
Similarly, modern theologians no longer speak of a Trinitarian god, but a non-binary God.
Was this the real message of Revelation?
Get thee behind me, Satan!
This an invitation to LGBT-obsessed priests to get lost. Oh, sorry, this one isn't in Fr Jim's book. My mistake.
Tuesday, 5 September 2023
Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis
A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan,
has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.
"Now he's really put his foot in it!"
"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but
we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who
teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms
of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.
His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman"
and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best,
and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."
Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it",
"Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far.
"He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.
Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.
Monday, 21 August 2023
The eight worst synodal horrors
So the World Cup of Synodal Horrors, a little diversion to prepare you for
the heretical bedlam expected in October, has reached the quarter-final stage.
The knockouts start on August 22nd, and the results of the final stages of the
competition will be reported here.
Here we go... Treebeard the Ent is coming along too.
The draw is as follows:
Dr Austen Ivereigh 69.6 v
Sr Nathalie Becquart 30.4
No congratulatory kiss for Sr Nathalie, as Austen's great experience
gives him an easy victory here.
Bp Georg Bätzing 22.2 v
Fr James Martin 77.8
Class tells, as Jimbo's long experience of undermining
Catholic doctrine easily brushes aside the promising newcomer.
Cdl Blase Cupich 47.8 v
Abp Víctor Fernández 52.2
The world's worst cardinal loses his first ever battle: sheer nastiness
is not enough to see him through against the kissing bishop.
Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich 37.1 v
Cdl Arthur Roche 62.9
Uncle Arthur takes the cake here. The Hell Choir (anag.) cannot stop him.
SEMI-FINALS Dr Austen Ivereigh 31.7 v Abp Víctor Fernández 68.3 Ivereigh the veteran horror is swept away by the passionate newcomer. Fr James Martin 69.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 30.9 Two old friends of this blog slug it out, and England's last hope is eliminated.
THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF Dr Austen Ivereigh 47.6 v Cdl Arthur Roche 52.4 Bronze Medal for Uncle Arthur, as he brushes aside the poison Ivereigh to take 3rd place. FINAL Abp Víctor Fernández 54.1 v Fr James Martin 45.9 Golden-calf "Tucho" pushes past silver-tongued Jimbo to win the competition. Now, boys, no fighting - please kiss and make friends.
To finish off, a few horrid synod-related pictures, most of which have already appeared here. A little-known novel by Jane Austen Spiritual exercises. Our experts have been told how to respond to all enquiries. No room for Father, Son, or Holy Spirit, but never mind.
SEMI-FINALS Dr Austen Ivereigh 31.7 v Abp Víctor Fernández 68.3 Ivereigh the veteran horror is swept away by the passionate newcomer. Fr James Martin 69.1 v Cdl Arthur Roche 30.9 Two old friends of this blog slug it out, and England's last hope is eliminated.
THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF Dr Austen Ivereigh 47.6 v Cdl Arthur Roche 52.4 Bronze Medal for Uncle Arthur, as he brushes aside the poison Ivereigh to take 3rd place. FINAL Abp Víctor Fernández 54.1 v Fr James Martin 45.9 Golden-calf "Tucho" pushes past silver-tongued Jimbo to win the competition. Now, boys, no fighting - please kiss and make friends.
To finish off, a few horrid synod-related pictures, most of which have already appeared here. A little-known novel by Jane Austen Spiritual exercises. Our experts have been told how to respond to all enquiries. No room for Father, Son, or Holy Spirit, but never mind.
Monday, 14 August 2023
"Coming out" - a new book from Martintrash (TM)
- Was Pontius Pilate the "beloved disciple" in John's Gospel?
- Did Mary Magdalene write Matthew's Gospel?
- Was Lazarus the "he who is without sin" who cast the first stone?
- Were the Gadarene swine really gerbils?
- at one time the entire Catholic Church consisted of Mary Magdalene;
- the Holy Spirit is female;
- it took Jesus two tries before He could successfully heal the blind man;
- He took advice from the Canaanite woman about what His mission was...
Wednesday, 2 August 2023
The Book of St Richard, Chapter 30
Continued from
Chapter 29.
1. Two more years passed, O Theophilus, and Richard continued to rage
against God, and especially the Catholics and Muslims who, for different
reasons, were serious in their beliefs.
2. And the liberals cheered him, saying "This Dawkins is one of us", and
indeed he had won the prestigious "Services to Godbashing" award from the
British Godbasher Association, the even more prestigious "Carpet-chewer of the year"
prize from the American Carpet-chewer Society, and the very wonderful
"GOD-EX-TER-MIN-ATOR" medal from the Dalek colony in outer space.
Those were happy times for Richard.
3. But the world was moving on, and those who favoured liberal opinions suddenly
found that they needed to change their beliefs with the times.
4. For in Richard's youth it had been well known that there were just two sexes,
indeed "male and female created He them" was considered to be an obvious truth,
at least if rewritten as "they had either male or female genes, although we don't believe in any Creator, ha ha!"
5. But there arose a myriad of other sexes, carefully renamed as genders, except when used in expressions such as
"Gender Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll".
6. Indeed, Joanne of Warthogs, writer of 7 books, each longer than the previous one,
had been cancelled because she refused to move with the times, and insisted that all people were either
male, female, or Snape.
7. Thus the liberals said "We will buy all the copies of her books and burn them". Which did not distress the lady Joanne
too much.
The train that Joanne wished to take was also cancelled.
8. Then Richard spake out too, and for once he decided to speak out about something he knew about.
9. "Sex really is binary. No question about it. Simply look at your selfish genes, and you can tell
what 'gender' you are, and you cannot change it," said he.
10. And there were howls of rage from the liberals, who had now renamed themselves "Wokes" with the
slogan "Be kind".
11. "Richard is a hater! Cancel him! Exterminate him! Buy all his books and burn them!"
12. "Richard is literally Hitler!"
"I agree with Richard!"
13. And the Mouthfoaming Association of Loonyville, California, withdrew Richard's prestigious Moathfoamer of the Year
award.
14. But Richard refused to recant his beliefs, although he was embarrassed to receive an invitation to
join the Vatican Synod of Synods and the Muslim Synod on Infidel-smiting
as an external expert.
To be continued.
The Book of St Richard beginneth here.
Saturday, 29 July 2023
World Cup of Synod Horrors - nominations please!
In memory of the recently deceased Synod O'Contrick, one of the great enemies of the Catholic Church,
we are now going to run a World Cup of Synod Horrors.
The official list of the great and good is now posted, so we can see who will be redesigning Catholic teaching
for us.
So at last we have a world cup in which both Cardinals Cupich and Roche (from last year's
World
Cup of Bad Cardinals) and James Martin and Austen Ivereigh (from the 2019
World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists)
can meet on equal terms. Plus a few others who are ready to walk with them and tell the Holy Spirit what He has decided
(is this the right language?)
My list so far is the following. Are there any others on the official list who should be added before
we do another Twitter X-rated poll?
Abp Charles Scicluna Abp Víctor Fernández Bp Georg Bätzing Cdl Arthur Roche Cdl Blase Cupich Cdl Christoph Schönborn Cdl Jean-Claude Hollerich Cdl Joe Tobin Cdl Jozef De Kesel Cdl Kevin Farrell Cdl Luis Tagle Cdl Mario Grech Cdl Michael Czerny Cdl Pietro Parolin Cdl Robert McElroy Cdl Seán O'Malley Cdl Timothy Dolan Cdl Wilton Gregory Dr Austen Ivereigh Fr Antonio Spadaro Fr James Martin Fr Timothy Radcliffe Sr Nathalie BecquartWe will exclude Pope Francis.
Sunday, 23 July 2023
Catholic Church to be renamed "Y"
In a desperate attempt to modernize the Catholic Church, Pope Francis announced
today that from now on, the social media organization religion will no
longer be called "Catholic" but will be rebranded as "Y".
The new flag includes a humble "Y" (in the Catholic Silly Font, naturally).
Out will go the old-fashioned "cross" logo - Pope Francis is hoping that
his very-popular three-year synodal progress will come up with an alternative. "Perhaps
something based on the rainbow," suggested his close confidant Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.
"That's Biblical, isn't it?"
Fr James Martin jets in.
"The name 'Y' came to me by divine revelation," explained the Holy Father. "I looked
out of my window soon after we announced Traditionis Custodes and I had a vision
of a multitude of Catholics all shouting 'Y, oh Y, oh Y?' Make a note of that, Austen,
it
can go in your next biography of me as an evidence of my saintliness."
In response to this radical change, Mr Elon Musk, the well-known rich person, commented "What a silly name!"
Saturday, 8 July 2023
The last 8 royal saints
The results of the final rounds of the
World
Cup of Royal Saints will be posted here as we have them.
Quarter-finals, starting on July 11th. Elizabeth of Hungary 61.1 v Charlemagne 38.9 A surprisingly easy win for the Hungarian nurse, putting to flight the mighty emperor. St Margaret of Scotland 48.3 v Stephen I of Hungary 51.7 Well, the Hungarians are walking away with this, but at least this one was very close. Jadwiga of Poland 64.5 v Charles (Karl) I of Austria 35.5 The Poles managed to drum up a massive support for the lesser-known Jadwiga. Will she go all the way? Louis IX of France 52.3 v Edward the Confessor 47.7 Another close round, and the plucky English boy goes out.
Semi-finals, starting on July 19th. Elizabeth of Hungary 51.7 v Louis IX of France 48.3 By a very narrow margin the Hungarian girl casts down French hopes of a victory for "les bleus". Stephen I of Hungary 35.6 v Jadwiga of Poland 64.4 The Poles continue to muster their army of supporters, and Stephen is swept away.
Third place playoff. Louis IX of France 46.4 v Stephen I of Hungary 53.6 Big Steve takes the BRONZE.
FINAL Elizabeth of Hungary 24.3 v Jadwiga of Poland 75.7 The Polish army sweeps the board. GOLD for Jad, and SILVER for Liz.
Details of the last eight. Elizabeth of Hungary. C13 princess, saint. St Margaret of Scotland. C11 queen, saint. Jadwiga of Poland. C14 monarch, saint. Louis IX of France. C13 king, saint. Edward the Confessor. C11 English king, saint. Charles (Karl) I of Austria. C19/20 emperor, blessed. Stephen I of Hungary. C10/11 king, saint. Charlemagne. C8/9 emperor, beatified.
Quarter-finals, starting on July 11th. Elizabeth of Hungary 61.1 v Charlemagne 38.9 A surprisingly easy win for the Hungarian nurse, putting to flight the mighty emperor. St Margaret of Scotland 48.3 v Stephen I of Hungary 51.7 Well, the Hungarians are walking away with this, but at least this one was very close. Jadwiga of Poland 64.5 v Charles (Karl) I of Austria 35.5 The Poles managed to drum up a massive support for the lesser-known Jadwiga. Will she go all the way? Louis IX of France 52.3 v Edward the Confessor 47.7 Another close round, and the plucky English boy goes out.
Semi-finals, starting on July 19th. Elizabeth of Hungary 51.7 v Louis IX of France 48.3 By a very narrow margin the Hungarian girl casts down French hopes of a victory for "les bleus". Stephen I of Hungary 35.6 v Jadwiga of Poland 64.4 The Poles continue to muster their army of supporters, and Stephen is swept away.
Third place playoff. Louis IX of France 46.4 v Stephen I of Hungary 53.6 Big Steve takes the BRONZE.
FINAL Elizabeth of Hungary 24.3 v Jadwiga of Poland 75.7 The Polish army sweeps the board. GOLD for Jad, and SILVER for Liz.
Details of the last eight. Elizabeth of Hungary. C13 princess, saint. St Margaret of Scotland. C11 queen, saint. Jadwiga of Poland. C14 monarch, saint. Louis IX of France. C13 king, saint. Edward the Confessor. C11 English king, saint. Charles (Karl) I of Austria. C19/20 emperor, blessed. Stephen I of Hungary. C10/11 king, saint. Charlemagne. C8/9 emperor, beatified.
Sunday, 2 July 2023
Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition
Nobody expects the Argentine Inquisition! Our main weapon is kissing... kissing and healing... two main weapons. And a fanatical devotion to the Pope. Three main weapons. Oh, and adultery. I'll come in again.
You are charged with the crime of quoting Monty Python yet again.
Consider this post as another item in our long-running
series "How to be a good pope" - designed for those who went to a conclave and were
elected to the top job by an overwhelming 120 votes (this slightly
surprised you, as there were only 115 cardinal-electors, but then your mates in the St Gallstone Mafia
weren't taking any chances!)
Remember the Supreme Sacred Congregation of the Roman and Universal Inquisition? Well, it's now called the
Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith, which doesn't sound nearly as impressive. And it needs a new boss.
The first chap to run the show was Antonio Ghislieri, who later became Pope Pius V and a saint,
so you must be very careful to choose a successor of equal merit.
St Pius V - not known for writing books about kissing.
Anyway, you seem to have found the ideal candidate. You already have a track record of
brilliant appointments to dicasteries - the Catholic World is lost in wonder at
the exploits of Arthur "Two-dinners" Rogue in the Divine Worship office -
and
your old pal Archbishop Victor, alias "Touchy-feely", looks like a worthy successor to Pope St Pius V.
A quick look at his CV shows that he wrote a book called Kiss me quick, baby. A guide to healing.
We're hoping that this will be made into a blockbuster film, with Austen Ivereigh in the role
of the great healer.
Moreover, Touch-feely helped ghost-write your own bestselling Amorous Letitia, the story of
a libertine who was welcomed back into the church and (I never got that far, but I'm guessing) ended up
as a Jesuit priest.
This sort of thing is guaranteed to annoy the rigid backwardist indietrists who are making life so
difficult for you.
Now, Touchy-Feely, how do you plan to "sex up" Catholic teaching?
Good. You've made another brilliant appointment. Box ticked.
What's next on the agenda? Oh yes,
sending the boys round to beat up Bishop Strickland, who's been stepping out of line by
giving a moral lead.
No problem...
Wednesday, 21 June 2023
The synod of bishops will welcome (nearly) everyone
It's the day the whole Catholic Church has been waiting for: the Instrumentum Laboris
for the forthcoming Synod of Synodal Bishops on Synodality (sponsored by Bud Light) is released.
This is the result of lengthy discussions
and the use of sophisticated AI (so NOT Austen Ivereigh), and the
common theme is ALL ARE WELCOME.
As Cardinal Jean-Claude Hollerich points out, we need to welcome persistent adulterers, LGBTQSJ+- people,
and even the bigamists! They may receive communion - indeed, why not let them act
as Extraordinary Monsters of Holy Communion?
The Hell Choir (anag., 9 letters) is singing!
We must also welcome female deacons, and this includes transgender deacons and those who self-identify as
cats. Give them a friendly stroke (the cats, that is) and a saucer of milk! Welcome any dead mice they
have brought in to Mass!
But this is only half the story. Following representations from Pope Francis's best mates,
we shall now be pleased to encourage:
* Abortionists, * Child abusers, * Rapists, * Embezzlers, and of course * Idol-worshippers.I think this includes most of Francis's bosom pals. Hi, Emma, Marko, Gustavo, Giovanni, and the Pachamama club! From the Austen Ivereigh Art Collection: we welcome the drunk addicted to custard pies! Of course there are some classes of people that cannot POSSIBLY be welcomed. Anyone who wants to celebrate the traditional Latin Mass... anyone who asks embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia (bye, bye, Burke!)... all indietrists, backwardists, self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians, faithful Catholics, ... I hope the bishops have got the message now. Late news. There is one category of Francis mates that we forgot to mention. And, for once, there is a Biblical justification to it, since Christ told us to feed the hungry. Yes, here we are! We welcome the gluttons!
Tuesday, 13 June 2023
A guide to Reformation Architecture
Many people travelling round Britain have visited architectural wonders such as Fountains Abbey, Rievaulx Abbey,
Byland Abbey... oh, there are too many to list separately. The Tudor Reformation style of architecture is very distinctive - it is generally very minimalist with
no roof, no walls, no doors, no windows, etc. Or at least very few.
Whitby Abbey, designed by Henry VIII.
The problem with medieval abbeys - prior to the 1530s - was that they
were ugly, cumbersome things, which contributed to Climate Change.
Henry VIII was very aware of this problem, "We shall all be dead by 1547!" he said,
and his case he was quite correct. So an emergency "Net Zero" campaign was launched,
led by his third wife, Queen Greta, Duchess of Thunberg.
Tintern Abbey - note the well-ventilated, low-carbon construction.
Carbon emissions were reduced to zero, as there were no longer any fires.
Unnecessary
architectural features such as walls were removed. The only heating allowed was
by windmills and solar panels; however, since nobody really understood electricity
in those days, the monks found the new eco-abbeys very cold in winter, despite the fearsome
global warming that was going on around them, and they all left.
Bolton Abbey - a hybrid construction.
People still visit these abbeys, although they are mostly uninhabited these days.
Will we start to see similar eco-measures in secular buildings? Offices and schools without windows,
walls, doors, and roofs? We can learn from the Reformation!
(Is this OK, Greta? I haven't checked all the details. Eccles.)
Sunday, 4 June 2023
The World Cup of Royal Saints - nominations please
As promised several weeks ago, I'm going to run a World Cup of Royal Saints
using Twitter polls (as long as Uncle Elon lets me).
All the people I have thought of so far are listed in Wikipedia in the rather loose category
Roman Catholic royal saints,
which includes "mere" Blesseds as well.
You are welcome to suggest others in that category, but also some who are
not listed there if some other Christian church regards them as saintly (the umpire's decision on royalty and saintlihood is final).
Nominate by replying either on Twitter or to this blog.
So far we have the following (to give them their Wikipedia descriptions):
Charlemagne Charles I of Austria Clotilde Edmund the Martyr Edward the Confessor Edward the Martyr Elizabeth of Hungary Henry II, Holy Roman Emperor Isabella I of Castile Louis IV of Thuringia Louis IX of France St Margaret of Scotland Stephen I of Hungary Wenceslaus IOnce we have enough (again, the umpire's decision is final), we'll start the World Cup. As usual you may vote using any criterion you wish - saintliness, beauty, what will most annoy me, etc. So let's finish with four photos chosen completely at random from the starters. They are, in order, Isabella I of Castille, Clotilde, Edward the Confessor, and Stephen I of Hungary. Finally, please don't nominate people who you think should be regarded as saints but aren't officially venerable/blessed/saints.
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