This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 31 July 2019

Meghan says "just two husbands" in order to save the planet

We applaud the promise made by the Duchess of Sussex, wife of Prince Harry (sixth in line to the position of Supreme Governor of the Church of England), that she will limit herself to two husbands in order to save the planet.

Apparently, each extra husband produces 58 tons of carbon dioxide per year (as indeed do wives), which some regard as a bad thing. Having reached her quota of two husbands, the Duchess has promised to stop. It's always easy to say "Oh, just one more!" but the strongly religious must try and resist the temptation to take another spouse (or else they may justify it by reference to Amoris Laetitia, but that's another story).

Van Gogh

Prince Harry backs Meghan's biconjugal pledge.

Indeed, in the Royal Family, although Charles and Anne have married twice, many traditionalists such as Queen Elizabeth, Andrew, Edward, and William, have so far rationed themselves to one dash down the aisle. It's a far cry from the conspicuous wife-consumption of Blessed Henry VIII.

Jetting off on her latest mission of world evangelisation, Meghan plans to meet some of the superstars that she regards as role models for all women; these include Caitlin Jenner, Chelsea Manning, Laverne Cox, etc.

Les Dawson

As seen on the cover of Vague.

Her son, Prince Archie, is now beginning to talk (and, if he takes after his mother, will never stop talking), and we were lucky to obtain an exclusive interview with him.

Eccles: Archie, what do you think of your mother's plans to reduce her carbon footprint and save the universe, by limiting herself to two husbands?

Archie: ER ...

Eccles: Do you feel that she should be influenced by Greta "Little Greenbottle" Thunberg, or should she study the statistical regression techniques used in translating dodgy climate data into worldwide panic?

Archie: WANT POTTY!

Eccles; Your Royal Holiness, thank you very much.

Greta Thunberg

"Tis I, Captain Greenbottle, saviour of the world! Waves at her adoring fans. Falls into the sea. Blames climate change."

Monday, 29 July 2019

Anglican church tries a "God" experiment

This summer, the Reverend Francis Heppenstall, Anglican Vicar of Twing, has decided to try something new in order to attract congregations to his church. Instead of touristy gimmicks, he is planning to conduct a new type of service in which Christianity will play a major part.

Rochester Cathedral

Out go the crazy golf courses. In comes God!

The Church of England's main role, since the Reformation, has been to make it easier for people to divorce their wives and, if necessary, to behead them, but it has always tried to focus on FUN as well (after all, Henry VIII was a keen crazy golf player, as well as a sex maniac). That future saint, John Henry Newman, in his Anglican days, published various tracts on "Let's take religion seriously," but in the end he gave up his Anglican mission and became a Catholic instead.

Norwich Cathedral

Out go the helter skelters. Is nothing sacred?

Said Mr Bertram Wooster, a parishioner of Father Heppenstall, "The jolly old Anglican in the pew wants more than just funfairs and circuses; so we have asked old Heppers to liven up things with his forty-five minute sermon on Brotherly Love. That's the sort of thing to give the troops!"

It will be interesting to see whether this new "God" experiment will succeed in attracting the crowds back to Anglicanism. Many have already joined Cardinal Newman in the Catholic Church, where clown Masses, puppet Masses, and LGBT Masses are providing the spiritual nourishment they require. Heppenstall does have the surprising backing of Giles Fraser, the celebrity "loose canon," who is also considering the introduction of hymns and prayers as an alternative to coconut shies and "pin the tail on the donkey." It seems possible, therefore, that this innovation may catch on: we'll keep you informed.

Lichfield Cathedral

An end to lunar gimmicks in our ancient cathedrals?

Wednesday, 24 July 2019

The Catholic case for Nero

From America Magazine, edited by James Martin LGBTSJ.

Following our very popular article The Catholic Case for Communism, we have commissioned Dean Dettloff to write The Catholic Case for Nazism and The Catholic Case for the Rwandan Genocide, which are also bound to go down well with our readers. Today's piece explains why the Emperor Nero was not the villain that is usually claimed, and should certainly be canonized.

Nero as seen in Doctor Who

Nero: statesman, violinist, and LGBT icon.

Nero has had a bad press for his lack of ecumenicalism towards Christians, but we should not hold that against him. His execution of St Peter and St Paul might be interpreted as showing a certain hostility to Catholicism, but modern studies have shown that these Church fathers were greatly over-rated compared with more distinguished theologians such as Hans Küng, Massimo Faggioli, Cardinal Marx, and of course the Holy Father himself. We can be sure that when Nero went to the Pearly Gates, and found St Peter there waiting for him, the two greeted each other as old friends!

Peter and Paul

"Hey, our old mate Nero will be along soon!"

Apart from his controversial habit of putting people to death, Nero was known as a prominent member of the LGBT community, and one would have to be truly homophobic to criticise his incest and his relationship with a trans woman called Sporus. Moreover, his violin-playing was legendary. As Rome burned, he entertained the crowd with a performance of "Shine Jesus, Shine" in which they all joined in with the words "Blaze, Spirit, blaze, Set our hearts on fire!"

No, Nero was a warm-hearted Catholic, of the sort to whom we must build bridges. It is a scandal that people such as he could not preach at Mass.

© America Magazine.

Tuesday, 23 July 2019

Brexodus 19 - the return of Bosis

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. So Maysis had vowed that she would no longer lead the children of Bri-tain round in circles, looking for an exit from the land of EUgypt. Thus it became necessary to choose another leader.

May laughing

Maysis raiseth her eyes to Heaven.

2. And ten brave men came forth and said "Let me rule over you."

3. These included names that were well known to the Conservatites, such as Bosis, Jeremiah the Hunter, Michael the Governor, and Sajidiah the secretary of homes; and, noisiest of all, Rorate the mighty walker.

4. This Rorate was wont to walk in the green fields, hoping that he might find people on whom he could drop down his thoughts.

Eccles and Rory

Two pictures of Rorate.

5. But then the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

6. So finally there remained only Bosis and Jeremiah, and they were to be considered by the whole tribe of Conservatites.

7. Meanwhile, the Pharaoh of EUgypt, known as Juncker, wished to retire in order to spend his declining years with his wine cellar.

8. Thus there stepped forth a new female Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, and she was chosen by means of a mystic process known as democracy. That is, a mighty voice spake out saying: "We proclaim Ursula the Queen of EUgypt. Like it or lump it."

9. And the high council of EUgypt made their decision: three hundred and eighty-three people voted to like the new queen, and three hundred and twenty-seven voted to lump her. And so she was elected.

Juncker and Van Leyen

Pharaoh Juncker offereth the new Queen the Sign of Peace.

10. At last, finally, the tribe of Conservatites decided who should lead them out of the land of EUgypt on the last day of October.

11. And the choice was Bosis.

Boris on zipwire

Bosis descendeth from Heaven. Except that he getteth stuck.

12. Then the people expressed their delight by cheering, hissing, wailing, gnashing their teeth, and uttering angry tweets.

13. And Bosis spake out saying, "Crumbs! I say, chaps! What a lark, eh?" which, being translated means "I shall endeavour to serve you to the best of my humble abilities."

To be continued.

Sunday, 21 July 2019

The CNA and Catholic Herald do a hatchet job on me

I, Professor Massimo Ecclesioli, am a very distinguished professor at the University of Astonvilla, and an expert on history, theology, theological history, historical theology, gelato, theological gelato, and gelatinous history, and of course a pious Catholic who prays to the Spirit of Vatican II every night.

Now, it is true that I wrote a piece in which I claimed that St Peter, St Paul, St Augustine, and St Thomas Aquinas were "devout schismatics," diminishing the authority of Pope Francis by constantly disagreeing with him. They are all siding with Archbishop Viganò, as are Cardinal Burke, Pope Benedict XVI, Archbishop Chaput, Cardinal Sarah, and Jesus Christ, Himself. They seem to believe that Viganò is basically an honest man: whereas, I, Professor Doctor Austen Ivereigh, Cardinal Cupich, Fr Thomas Rosica, and Cardinal Mr McCarrick all say he is a fiend incarnate.

Chico and Groucho

Prof. "Cakes" Ecclesioli (L).

Anyway, the Catholic News Agency (CNA) did a hit piece on me, telling people what I had written. They didn't even consult me, they just went ahead and published an account of my words. And they claimed that I could not be reached for comment, on the spurious grounds that when they tried to reach me, they failed. These scurrilous allegations were taken up by the Catholic Herald too.

The explanation is simple. After travelling home from Europe, I indulged in a light meal of gelato - banana, raspberry, bacon, onion, lychee, spinach, vanilla, gin, chop suey, mustard, blackcurrant, aspirin, and octopus flavoured ice-cream. (As an aside, when the Amazon Synod leads to the consumption of gelato flavoured with leaves, faggioli beans, piranha fish, and curare, I shall be first in the queue!) Anyway, as a result of my simple meal, I felt rather unwell and slumped under the table. If the CNA had looked there, they could have found me.

I should finish by pointing out that I am the Professor of Catholic Gelato at the University of Villageidiot, and therefore much cleverer than anyone else I have ever met. I rest my case.

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Friday, 19 July 2019

Did Vatican II really happen?

It's (roughly) fifty years since the historic mission that changed the way we look at the world, the Vatican II Council (with its famous catch phrase "One small step for a man, one giant leap into the dark for mankind." But did it really happen, or was it staged by actors?

Pope on the Moon

"Rome, we have a problem!" Pope Paul VI surveys the Catholic Church. Or is it an actor?

Some of the arguments suggesting that Vatican II was just a giant hoax focus on claims that 1960s technology just wasn't capable of filling the Catholic Church with moon-walking bishops (technically known as lunatics). The experiment also required turning round the altars (and the priests), devising a new programming language VERNACULAR in place of the age-old LATIN, introducing CLOWN and PUPPET technology, and making the all-powerful KISS of PEACE operational. Controversially, the Vatican II explorers brought back samples of rock (and heavy metal, jazz, also the mineral Danschutte, etc.), which did not resemble anything previously found in the Church.

2001 monkey

Annibale Bugnini explains his liturgical reforms.

Still, the technology developed by the Vatican II mission led to the development of Teflon, used in the production of "non-stick" priests, who thenceforth could get into very dirty situations without anything sticking to them.

Naturally, some of the Vatican II benefits trickled down to non-Roman societies, such as the Lutherans and Anglicans; however in that Cold War era, it was very much "Don't tell the Russians," which is why their Orthodox Church has been largely deprived of the benefits of the Vatican II mission.

Man in the Moon

The Spirit of Vatican II.

This blog tries not to express controversial opinions, but we feel that by and large it is likely that Vatican II *did* take place, although it is unlikely that the astronauts ended up meeting God.

Thursday, 18 July 2019

James Martin discovers sin

Living the sheltered life of a New York Jesuit, surrounded by homosexuals, attending the odd "gay" Mass, being a close friend of Cardinal Cupich, and fraternising with actors and political campaigners such Steve Colbert, my hero Fr James J. Martin SJ has few opportunities for encountering sin.

Indeed, being a good modernist, Fr James has realised that there are nowadays very few sins. Homosexual acts? No. Adultery? No. Abortion? Well, maybe, but it's best not to upset our Democrat friends by mentioning it too loudly. Climate Change? No doubt - wasn't that how the Red Sea got divided?

But let's get serious now.

Martin tweet

One of the few sins left.

A spokesman for the AFGH (All Foreigners Go Home) community told us: "We are very disppointed with Fr Jim's attitude. When is he going to build bridges towards us? Why no special AFGH masses? May I point out that we have a very inclusive community with members of all creeds and colours - white people who hate blacks, black people who hate whites, loonies who hate Martians, dogs who hate cats, you name it. But not a sign of welcome from Fr Jim!"

Tom and Jerry

A racist cat goes out mouse-bashing.

It is true that the Vatican has a more enlightened attitude to welcoming racists. Dear old Cardinal Kasper told us that African Catholics "should not tell us too much what we have to do" at the time of the 2014 Synod on Dropping the Idea of Sin. It's true he denied it until it was pointed out that Edward Pentin had a recording of the interview. But then the LCPF (Liars, Cheats, Perjurers and Frauds) community explained that there was no problem with this.

Steve Colbert

Steve Colbert wishes to point out that he is not a member of the AFGH Community.

Anyway, once he has thought about this more carefully, we expect Fr Jim to give a more humane Jesuitical welcome to racists, who, after all, only need accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps a course of Ignatian yoga, in order to be feel welcome in the Catholic Church.

Sunday, 14 July 2019

New Austen Ivereigh book

Following the success of his first book, "Austen Ivereigh, the great reformed character," Pope Francis is pleased to announce that his new book on the World's Greatest Catholic Journalist is now about to appear.

Weird Scribbler

The new book, oddly in "Dictator Pope" colours.

"Weird scribbler" tells the story of Austen Ivereigh over the last six years, starting with his creation of Catholic Voices, in which his spokesmen gave a completely orthodox Catholic take on events. Then, in a complete 180-degree turn, Ivereigh started writing more and more implausible articles of his own, throwing out his own eccentric ideas and getting in a heavy dose of score-settling.

Intemperate Ivereigh tweet

Austen spits on hundreds of years of Catholic tradition.

The motive for Pope Francis's writing this new pot-boiler is not hard to find (apart from a general financial crisis in the Vatican). We shall soon see the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists, in which Ivereigh, Mickens, Lamb, Spadaro, Rosica, Martin,... will all take part, and it's clear that this is ultimately the Holy Father's preferred candidate.

Pope and Ivereigh

Francis presents Austen with a copy of his earlier book.

Of course "journalist" is to be interpreted in the widest sense, and to include scribblers who have other jobs as well - whether it be priest, theologian or simply marketing their own brand of beans. We mention this latter example, as Prof. Massimo Faggioli is also to be taken seriously as a candidate.

Max Beans

Sunday, 7 July 2019

Damian Thompson quits the Catholic Herald

Following a take-over of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald, its Grandmaster-in-chief, Fra' Damian Thompson, has quit his position because of "a difference of opinion". Commentators have been asking whether the "blood-crazed ferret" has been biting the bishops of England and Wales too hard, in view of his criticism of their lordships' response to the decision of hanging judge Mrs Justice "Blood! Cut! Sever! Aagh!" Lieven to force a woman to abort her baby (a decision now overturned).

Pope and Damian

Pope Francis and Grandmaster Damian, in happier times.

Fra' Thompson's "In some ways, possibly, well, one might argue, without making too much of this, that the bishops' response to the court decision was less than it might have been had it been more than it was" was itself a watered-down version of what he originally wrote, namely, "Ye brood of vipers, who hath shewed you to flee from the wrath to come?"

We have not yet determined who the new owners of the Catholic Herald are, although George Soros, who recently added the Vatican to his portfolio, is the most likely candidate.

Jabba and Soros

Two photos of George Soros, the new owner of the Herald.

So who will be the next Grandmaster-in-chief of the Sovereign Order of the Catholic Herald? The owners will clearly want to go for a "Catholic Lite" journalist, such as Austen Ivereigh, Robin Mickens, or Christopher Lamb. (Fr Thomas Rosica is tipped to take over the U.S. edition, although other sources say that he is retiring to a medieval monastery to work as a copyist.)

Austin Powers

I'm Austen. Please, please, please, let me be editor!

Austen is already showing the charm, tact, and diplomacy for which he is notorious, in his reaction to the Dame's departure.

Ivereigh tweet

How to win friends and influence people, by Austin Powers.

The latest revelations of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò have also proved too hot for the Herald to handle. They're a bit sordid for a spiritually nourishing blog such as this one, but we are happy to vindicate Pope Francis against claims that he runs a gang of pickpockets in Rome, robbing the tourists; likewise, it is unlikely that he personally set fire to Notre Dame; finally, he is totally innocent of charges that he goes out at night and kicks kittens. But all the rest is probably true, including the heresy.

Dolan

Cardinal Fatty Shame.

Finally, we celebrate the removal of Cardinal Fatty Shame of New York from Joe's "All you can eat" diner (after a prolonged lawsuit, in which the cardinal argued that he still wasn't ready to go). The cardinal has been removed to St Patrick's Cathedral, in order that he may be prepared for his new role as Blessed Grandmaster of New York Pride. Well done, there!