This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 30 October 2018

The 10 Commandments of Pope Francis

1. I am the Lord Francis, successor of Jesus Christ (in the words of the prophet Napier, the Vatican News, and others). Thou shalt obey me. And that includes thee, Viganò, wherever thou art hiding.

graven image of Pope Francis

And no graven images unless they actually look like me!

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Francis in vain. In particular any blog that saith "Look what this clown hath done now" shall be refused the new "APPROVED CATHOLIC BLOG" award, and so people will take it less seriously than Salt and Light, America, the Tablet, the National Catholic Reporter, La Civiltà Cattolica, etc.

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day. Watch my show on television. That way, even if thou dost not make it to Heaven, thou canst still watch it on television.

4. Honour thy father and mother. Or thy father and father. Or mother and mother. Or whatever differently-ordered family thou mayst have. Better still, honour thy Holy Father, as nothing else really matters. See that thou dost not trouble him with Dubia - thou shalt receive no answer, anyway.

5. Thou shalt not kill. The death penalty hath been declared inadmissible. On the other hand, if thou art Emma Bonino or another good friend of Francis the God, then thou mayst slaughter babies with a clear conscience.

wicked bible

An excerpt from the sacred work Amoris Laetitia.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou hast a clear plan ahead, including discernment, accompaniment, gradualism, and conscience. Don't worry too much about this. See the footnotes at the bottom of these stone tablets.

7. Thou shalt not steal, although thou mayst perform dodgy financial transactions with other people's money. For do not some of my most trusted cardinals do this? (The money was resting in my account! OM)

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour. Actually, thou shalt not bear true witness against thy neighbour, either, lest thou be called "The great accuser".

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, or live-in partner, boyfriend, or anyone to whom he saith "Nighty-night, baby. I love you." (Hands off, I saw him first! JT)

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's goods. And that includes coveting his papal office, his humble five-star apartment, his popemobile, and his "I AM INFALLIBLE" tee-shirt. These are going to Cupich when I rise to Heaven, so buzz off, the rest of you!

Burke and Sarah

Two notorious coveters.

Sunday 28 October 2018

I wants to make your flesh creep

Sixteen wonderfully appalling works remain for Round 3 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns. Some surprises to me, at least, in that we have lost God's Spirit is in my heart, Bind us together, Lord, Walk in the Light, and Go, The Mass is ended, but this just shows the quality of the works remaining. Here is the grouping - the top two in each of the four groups will reach the last eight - the quarter final knock-out stage!
Title Author     Round 3
Kumbayah anon     3
Christ be our light Bernadette Farrell     4
I, the Lord of sea and sky Daniel Schutte     1
Come to the Table of Plenty Daniel Schutte     2
Sing a New Church Delores Dufner     3
Shine, Jesus, shine Graham Kendrick     1
This little light of mine Harry Dixon Loes     2
One bread, one body John Foley     2
Gloria (clap clap) Martin Anderson     4
Gather us in Marty Haugen     1
The world is full of smelly feet Michael Forster     2
On eagle's wings Michael Joncas     4
Alleluia Ch-Ch Paul Inwood     3
They'll Know We Are Christians By Our Love Peter Scholtes     4
Lord of the Dance Sidney Carter     3
I am the Bread of Life Suzanne Toolan     1
Need I say more?


Get ready to Schutte for goal!

Round 3 begins on Monday 29th October.

Thursday 25 October 2018

What do the yoof really want?

As the Yoof Synod continues on its merry way, we have asked some of the participants to explain what the Yoof really want, as they are obviously too young to decide for themselves.

Cardinal Marx

"Schweinehund! All I asked him for was a little cuddle..."

Cardinal "Rhino" Marx.

It has become clear to me that the Yoof are very interested in LGBT issues, and want us to change Catholic teaching so that same-sex relations are recognised as just as good as marriage. If not better. So far we are being thwarted by those wretched African cardinals, who, as my mate Walter Kasper pointed out, need to shut their traps and go back to Bongo-Bongo land.

As a subsidiary issue, what the Yoof also like is fat hairy cardinals supported by extravagant church taxes, who want to give Communion to anyone who is a fully paid-up member of the Church. I totally agree with them.

Martina Kopecká

"I am living proof that it's not just handsome young men that the cardinals like."

"Rev." Martina Viktorie Kopecká of the Czechoslovak Impudent Hussy Church.

I am deeply honoured to be the only female cleric attending the Yoof Synod. Obviously what the Yoof want is more female clerics, as Jesus obviously got things wrong when he appointed male disciples. Don't be scared, though - nobody is likely to notice that I'm a woman! Indeed some old man called "Uncle Ted", whom I met in the corridor, invited me back to his room by mistake, thinking I was a callow seminarian! Still, he's found his glasses again now.

At this Synod I feel accepted, and my voice is heard. What the Yoof want is more short-haired females dressed as priests. This is all they ever tell me.

Tagle Addams family

Groovy, man! (Click for video.)

Cardinal Chito Tagle, the world's oldest teenager.

They tell me I am likely to be Pope Francis III, following on from that excellent man Blase Cupich as Francis II. Being only 61 years old, I am practically a Yoof myself, and I certainly know what the Yoof like to do - to dance around clicking their fingers, to go clubbing, to listen to Bono Geldof, Red Floyd, Pink Hot Chilli Roses, Guns 'n Peppers, and other contemporary bands.

They call me the "tearful" cardinal, and it's true that I am a very emotional chap. What the Yoof are asking for is a new liturgy where there will be more finger-clicking, and also several places where they are encouraged to burst into tears. Onions will be supplied. Click-click!


Baldisseri and the Pope

"Cardinal Baldisseri has already written a report telling you what you want."

Monday 15 October 2018

Your 32 worst hymns

On to Round 2 of the World Cup of Bad Hymns, beginning on Tuesday 16th October. Now 32 examples of the poets' art remain, out of 64 originally, and there are eight groups of four from each of which two go through to the final 16.

Congratulations to Dan Schutte on getting three wonderfully appalling hymns through to the second round; Brian Howard, Estelle White and Marty Haugen are also going well.

hymn with guitar

All join in the singing, please.

Although officially neutral, I was disappointed that we lost "I watch the sunrise", "Colours of Day", "Enemy of apathy", "Our God reigns" and above all "Follow me" (the two shirts song), since this probably means that Fr Arfur will feel that it's OK to carry on using them at the church of St Daryl the Apostate. Oh well...

Title Author Rd 1 Rd 2
God's Spirit is in my heart Alan Dale 2 1
Kumbayah anon 10 6
Christ be our light Bernadette Farrell 13 8
Bind us together, Lord Bob Gillman 15 7
If I were a butterfly Brian Howard 5 3
I just wanna be a sheep Brian Howard 14 8
Walk in the Light Damian Lundy 3 1
I, the Lord of sea and sky Daniel Schutte 1 1
Let us build the city of God Daniel Schutte 7 3
Come to the table of plenty Daniel Schutte 16 7
Sing a new Church Delores Dufner 6 4
Moses, I know you're the man Estelle White 14 7
Cheep! said the sparrow on the chimney top Estelle White 16 8
Shine, Jesus, shine Graham Kendrick 10 5
This little light of mine Harry Dixon Loes 4 1
I am the Living Bread Ifeanyichukwu Eze 7 4
Eat this bread Jacques Berthier 11 5
One bread, one body John Foley 12 5
Gift of finest wheat John Michael Talbot 1 2
Gloria (clap clap) Martin Anderson 12 6
As the deer pants Martin Nystrom 11 6
Let us build a house where love can dwell / All are welcome Marty Haugen 5 4
Gather us in Marty Haugen 6 3
Who is the alien Mary Louise Bringle 9 5
The world is full of smelly feet Michael Forster 8 3
On eagle's wings Michael Joncas 4 2
Alleluia Ch-Ch Paul Inwood 15 8
They'll know we are Christians by our love Peter Scholtes 8 4
Jesus Christ the apple tree R.H. 9 6
Lord of the Dance Sidney Carter 2 2
Go, the Mass is ended Sister Marie Lydia Pereira 3 2
I am the Bread of Life Suzanne Toolan 13 7

man in pain

Get voting!

Sunday 14 October 2018

Christine Blasey Ford attempts to stop canonizations

The canonizations of Pope Paul VI and Oscar Romero were interrupted today, when a wild-looking woman rushed into St Peter's Square claiming to have been assaulted by the duo back in the 1980s.

Christine Blasey Ford

"They spiked my drink - this drink."

It was pointed out to Dr Ford that Pope Paul VI died in 1978, and Archbishop Romero in 1980, but she was unrepentant. "It must have been some other pro-life Catholic - who have you got?" she asked. "Perhaps that Polish guy. Shall we go for him?"

Pope Francis is now under pressure to get the VBI (Vatican Bureau of Investigation) to check the history of Pope Paul VI, and Oscar Romero, especially as neither has been properly scrutinised so far. The VIA (Vatican Intelligence Agency) may also be involved, but it is currently very busy trying to track down Archbishop Viganò with a view to terminating him with extreme prejudice.

Pope Francis and Swiss Guard

"Remember, you are licensed to kill."

LATE NEWS: Dr Ford has now changed her story, and is very uncertain about whether she ever met any popes, or ever went to El Salvador. But she says that today she was admiring some papal tombs in Rome when a hand came out of one of them and pinched her on the backside. She is not sure which pope it was who assaulted her, but thinks it may have been Alexander VI, who is known to have had an eye for the girls. This is likely to set back his canonization by another 500 years.

Saturday 13 October 2018

Spirit of Vatican II to be canonized

It was originally decided to canonize Pope Paul VI, on the basis of his heroic life and many miracles, such as the emptying of the churches, and the opening of the liturgy to all people too lazy to find out what it said in Latin. However, Pope Francis has now decided that it is safest not to canonize a mere mortal, especially one who, like all the popes of the past, disagrees with him on matters of doctrine.

Pius XII and Paul VI

"Apparently, one of us will be a saint."

Instead, it has been decided to canonize the Vatican II council, or at least its representative in Heaven, the Spirit of Vatican II. That way, all the achievements of Vatican II - not exactly its decisions, as these have been largely ignored - are given the imprimatur of "saintly" and cannot be questioned.

This of course opens the way for Pope Francis to implement some of his pet projects, such as the banning of the Latin Mass, the ordination of women, the final rehabilitation of Cardinal McCarrick, etc. etc., all of which can be justified by an appeal to the Spirit of Vatican II.

Spirit of Vatican II

The new saint.

As a form of reflected glory, many people closely associated with Vatican II will now have the status of "blessed"; these include people such as Annibale Bugnini whom it would be difficult to slip into Heaven on their own merits.

Apparently, another of the Pope's idols is also being canonized this weekend. I know nothing about him, apart from what Shakespeare says.

Paul VI and Oscar Romero

"Romero? Romero? Wherefore art thou Romero?"

Friday 12 October 2018

The martyrdom of St Donna

1. And there was a man sent by God, called Donald Wuerl, who was made a prince of the Church; he was known to all as Donna, although no man can guess why.

2. And this man had an uncle, named Ted, who was a notorious evil-liver, yeah his deeds caused fear and disgust among all the young people with whom he came into contact.

Pope Francis and Wuerl

"You're fired! But keep up the good work."

3. But Donna, when he took over as ruler of the town of Wash-ing, knew nothing of the deeds of Uncle Ted.

4. For to the pure all things are pure, as well as to those who prefer not to look for trouble.

5. And yet, even when Uncle Ted had gone to a better place (his beach house), there was still much evil in the town of Wash-ing, and the high priests committed foul deeds.

6. And Donna knew of these evil priests, and carefully moved them around every time they were caught.

7. Hence the expression "La Donna è mobile," that is to say, "Donna likes to move them round."

8. Now when Donna was much advanced in years, he tendered his resignation to the Holy Father, he that was called Francis.

9. But Francis said "Let Donna continue in his wickedness, for he is one of us."

10. "For when Judas Iscariot tendered his resignation, did not Peter exercise mercy and say, 'Thou mayst continue as a disciple until someone notices'?"

11. However, one day it became inevitable that Donna should go. For the Jury that is Grand had begun to beat upon the doors of the town that is Wash-ing.

12. And so Francis said farewell unto Donna, weeping to lose such a faithful servant.

Rosica is touched

Where exactly did he touch you, Rosie?

13. And everyone said, "What a saint that man was. How could we lose such a wonderful shepherd of his sheep? Was he not hounded out of office?"

14. And some said "We shall not see his like again."

15. But others said, "Oh yes we shall. Remember Cupich, and Farrell, and Tobin?"

16. Nighty-night!

Monday 8 October 2018

Ouellet puts the boot in

Dear brother Carlo Maria Viganò,

As Deputy Assistant Vice-Pope, and one who might have gone to the top if it hadn't been for the St Gallen mob - er, I mean the Holy Spirit - I am writing to you about your latest statements spilling the Faggioli about Pope Francis (a little Vatican joke, there. Beans, get it? Oh, suit yourself.)

Ouellet and Pope

"Oh look, it's Ted over there!"

I find your current attitude incomprehensible and extremely troubling, as it makes the Pope, Cardinals and Bishops look like complete fools. Which nobody ever suspected before. Remember that criticising the Holy Father is blasphemy (CCC 9745, added today), and far worse than, say, criticising Jesus, who did not have the advantages of reading Amoris Laetitia.

How dare you say that Pope Benedict - whoever he may be - put sanctions on Uncle Ted McCarrick? The fact is that when Pope Francis took over he found Ted lying in chains in a deep dungeon, deprived of even the humblest seminarian for companionship. Being a merciful as well as humble pope, he promptly released him, saying "Go and sin some more" (John 8:11). Uncle Ted was promptly made the Vatican's Special Envoy to Vulnerable Seminarians, and how do you dare criticise the Pope's decision?

Benedict and Francis

"Read this lot before you release McCarrick."

Of course, Pope Francis makes prudential judgements, and he is not infallible, except when he chooses to be. And he does now.

Dear pontifical representative emeritus, I tell you frankly that to accuse Pope Francis of having covered-up knowingly the case of an alleged sexual predator is unbelievable and without foundation. He didn't bother mentioning the case to anyone, but that is not the same thing at all.

I have the privilege of having long meetings with Pope Francis every week to discuss the appointment of bishops and the problems that affect their governance. I know very well how he treats persons and problems: with great charity, mercy, attentiveness and seriousness, as you too have experienced. (Hang on a minute, Eccles, that's a real quotation.)

We must recognise Pope Francis for what he is, a true shepherd, a martyr, a saint, a resolute and compassionate father, a prophetic grace for the Church and for the world; yes, a humble man who gave his last euro to a dying beggar, and didn't ask for it back until later. He is incapable of doing wrong, and I can only conclude that your revelations are part of a plot to incriminate him for things he may or may not have done; until he agrees to a DNA test we can't be sure, can we?


"No, no, I'm only *dressed* like a hit-man."

Don't think you'll get away with this, Viganò. We know where you live. Well, we don't, but when we find you, you'll wish you'd taken out extra accident insurance.

Your loving brother in Christ,

Marc Ouellet, the Very Eminent.

Sunday 7 October 2018

How to organize a Yoof Synod

Yet another episode in our long-running series on how to be a good pope. Remember, if they elected Francis as pope, they might easily elect you, so be prepared!

As scandals rage around you - Chile, China, the USA, the Vatican - it makes for a useful distraction if you have a Yoof Synod running. Ask your dear friend Cardinal Baldfacedliar to write the full documents of the synod well in advance, and stick a "Magisterial" label on them. Don't under any circumstances allow anyone to know what was actually agreed during the synod - it will bear no relation to Baldy's final document, anyway.

synod logoclown juggling

Two versions of the Synod Logo.

Now, you need to have a few Yoof in the Synod, say 10% of the number present. Ignore "Uncle Fred" if he telephones you asking you to pick some good-looking ones - it will only get you into trouble. Of course all the decisions will be made by bishops who know what the Yoof want - or, more precisely, by Baldy in consultation with some of your top advisers - so ignore any requests for orthodox teaching, the Mass of their forefathers, or indeed anything religious. Instead, make sure you address LGBT issues, climate change, and plastic straws, as these are the things that Yoof lose sleep over.

rainbow over Rome

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ jets in.

Now you need to get down wiv da Yoof, even if you aren't really going to take any notice of them. Perhaps you could invite some young Catholic rock stars that you know they like - Bono, Cliff Richard, Mick Jagger? Your mentor Cardinal Kasper says that they're all fans of Harry Potter - which is all about the fat wizard Dolandore, Professor McCarrickall, Severus Snapero, and the man we all love to hiss, Viganomort. You see where this is leading?

Pope and witches's stang

Get yourself a witches' stang!

In the old days pre-2013, the bishop's crozier was modelled on a shepherd's crook, with the stupid outdated traddy idea that pastors were in some sense shepherds of their sheep. Nowadays we prefer to channel the spirit of Saruman, or Radagast, or paganism in general. So get yourself a trusty witches' stang, and the Yoof will think you are "ace", "cool" and "groovy" (modern English Yoof slang courtesy of Cardinal Nichols!)

Now all synods have committees, and your hope is that these will keep the bishops sober and make them believe they are influencing the Synod. But here comes a snag! Cardinal Sarah-Jane, the man waiting in the wings for you to pop off, has refused to serve on one of them! He cites "personal reasons" but you know that what he's really thinking is: "When I become Pope I'm going to declare this Synod invalid." This is tricky, we must think of more ways to humiliate him (cf. Burke, Müller, Festing, etc.)

demonic party

And now - let's party with a demon!

The Yoof have written you a letter saying that what they would really like would be for you to celebrate a traditional Latin Mass, with Gregorian chant. But Baldy has "lost" this letter, and reconstructed it from memory - so officially what they want is to go "clubbing". Invite in some more young idols of the yoof - say, Paul McCartney, the ever-young Madonna (age 94), and even that good Catholic Cher. This will keep them quiet, and you can Carry on Synodding.

To be continued?

Tuesday 2 October 2018

English bishops comment after trip to Rome

After their ad limina visit to Rome, the Catholic bishops of England and Wales today accused the Vatican of twisting their words, having discovered that a totally implausible statement had been issued in their name. This is generally agreed to be the highlight:

As we spoke with Pope Francis we realised, more and more, that he simply radiates this joy and peace. He is indeed gifted with a unique grace of the Holy Spirit of God.

Even in this time of turmoil, the Holy Father is so clearly rooted in God and blessed by God. His peace is secure. His life is serene. We know, because he showed us his heart. It is the heart of a loving father.

CBCEW ad limina

Don't mention the Dubia! Or the Order of Malta. Or China. Or McCarrick.

It is suspected that someone such as Cardinal Baldisseri got to the original statement. This was far less effusive, and said:

We had a lovely time in Rome, and Pope Francis served us some delicious tea and Eccles cakes. We talked to him, and he listened. Then he talked to us about something totally different.

We realised, more and more, that Pope Francis is a tall man, although rather overweight. He has been gifted with the papacy by the St Gallen Mafia, and we appreciate his authority.

In this time of turmoil, Pope Francis radiates serenity. Nothing can trouble him. Anyone who attempts to trouble him is promptly shown the door. We know, because he showed us one of Cardinal Burke's kidneys - he keeps it in the freezer.

bishops in the bus

Bishops in the bus. Ad orientem or versus populum, My Lord?

Bishop Philip Egan, along with Mark Davies, is generally considered to be one of the more saved of English bishops - a sort of anti-Nichols - but even he could not resist joining in the fun.

The meeting with the Holy Father was remarkable - 2 and half hours!! It was Q&A. He spoke as a pastor and a father, full of wisdom, and many of us asked him questions.

Yet again, we have managed to locate the original statement, before the bishop's Twitter feed was hacked.

We asked the Holy Father many questions, although he explained that there was no time in which to answer them. In fact Pope Francis is a busy man, fully occupied in plans for world domination, developing heresy through new synods, and a new "seek and destroy" accompaniment for Archbishop Viganò. He certainly has no idea who Cardinal McCarrick is.

We also met Fr Spadaro, and, although many people say he spends all his time underground, living on fish and looking for his "precious", the smell is hardly noticeable. Or maybe I have a cold.


The Pope's most trusted adviser, along with Austen Ivoryhead the dwarf.