This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday 24 April 2022

World Cup of Patron Saints of England

A bit of a new venture here - usually we go for Bad Hymns, Bad Cardinals, Ugly Churches, Instruments from Hell, etc. (and some of these contests will be due for a repeat soon, as they were last held in 2018). But here we're going for something GOOD.

I have 32 candidates to be patron saint of England. All are English except George, Augustine of Canterbury, and Joseph of Arimathea. Will George hold onto his title, or will someone else be more popular? The Twitter poll begins tomorrow.

George and dragon

Very few of our entrants have slain dragons.

Meanwhile a plug for an old piece I wrote about St George.

Our candidates (did I forget anyone obvious?) are:
Aelfflaed of Whitby
Aethelbert of Kent
Aldeberge of Kent
Edmund Campion
Edward, king and martyr
Edward the Confessor
Gilbert of Sempringham
Hugh of Lincoln
John Fisher
John Henry Newman
Joseph of Arimathea
Margaret Clitherow
Nicholas Owen
Odo of Canterbury
Thomas Becket
Thomas More
Wilfrid of York

"A dragon outside, you say? On my way..."

N.B. It seems that the hashtag #WCPSE has also been used by the Western Canada Paranormal & Spiritual Expo, but I am sure they won't mind. They probably saw it coming anyway.

Thursday 21 April 2022

Extreme Catholicism

Adapted from Katherine Denkinson's piece about Extreme Catholicism. We read it so you don't have to - you'd probably need a subscription anyway.

Jacob Rees-Mogg is a holier-than-thou [good phrase, eh?] Catholic of the extreme right. For example, his sons are named after saints! [Oops, I seem to be named after a saint too. Let's move on.]


The Two Minutes Hate begins at 11.00.

What else does this hard-right Catholic do? Ah yes, he wishes people a Happy Christmas or a Happy Easter, in order to show how holy he is. Nobody ever wishes ME Happy Christmas, although, taking inspiration from A.A. Milne, I do have a shelf full of cards that I have sent myself! But I would never wish anyone Happy Easter, just in case they mistook me for a hard-right fascist Catholic!

So stop harassing people on Twitter by posting "Happy Easter" messages!

Mogg tweet

I have reported this as a hate crime.

Then Mogg votes against LGBTQSJ marriage, which has been a traditional way of life for the human race ever since the time of, er, the patriarch David Cameron. He opposes abortion too. Are there no limits to this man's holier-than-thou [spits] Catholicism?

Enough, Jacob! We know that you are a Catholic, you don't have to keep telling us by actually believing any of that stuff. Don't give us any of St Paul's Old Testament pearl-clutching horrors! [good phrase, eh?]

Phew! Do you know what he has done now? He has disagreed with the Archbishop of Canterbury's Easter message! Justin Wobbly knows that the true message of Easter is nothing to do with Jesus being born in a manger [memo, check what Catholics actually believe] but can be summarised in four words: BORIS BAD, KEIR GOOD! That's why the holy man (but definitely not holier-than-thou) preached a sermon about sending frightened refugees, fleeing the horrors of, er, France, to Rwanda rather than the Savoy hotel in London - or even the Ritz.

Welby preaching

"If Jesus had existed he would have voted Labour."

I could go on. In fact I am a few lines short, so I'd better keep ranting.

Ah yes, he doesn't like Black Lives Matter, that harmless organization which has done so much to make its members richer by looting and arson. Also he is part of a "War on Woke" - struggling in a hard-right manner to resist Critical Race Theory, the decolonization of teaching (2+2=4 is RACIST), and all the rest.

I think I've said enough. Jacob Rees-Mogg is LITERALLY Torquemada, burning people who refuse to send Christmas cards in April, and persecuting anyone who doesn't attend the Traditional Latin Mass [not sure what this is, but I think it's something to do with being nasty to people in Latin]. Don't trust his friendly Easter greetings!!

Friday 15 April 2022

Jesuits ask us to drop the Bible

Following the enthusiastic reception of the Jesuits' latest idea - that we should stop reading St John's Gospel on Good Friday (apparently it causes outbreaks of antisemitism among the hard of thinking), they have decide to go the whole hog*.... oh...

*Sorry, not hog. Jews and Muslims don't eat them. Or vegetarians. Let's say "the whole cabbage".

... they have decided to go the whole cabbage and ban the Bible entirely.

Jesuit tweet

Jesuits - the gift that keeps on giving.

There are many parts of the Bible that are offensive and lead to "phobias" of various kinds. The LGBTSJ community - including many Jesuits - is not too keen on the bits where homosexual acts are described as sinful, and transgenderism as impossible. There are also lots of racial and religious problems: many people after reading the Old Testament develop a dislike of Philistines, especially big ones called Goliath; also, the Baal-worshipping community is deeply offended by the story of Elijah. "Of course our God wasn't sleeping, he was having a day off."

More generally, the ten commandments have been condemned by the murdering community, the thieves' guild, most of the population of Hollywood (adultery), and the Lawyers' Society (false witness). It does seem that the authors of the Bible refused to show mercy, compassion, tolerance, blah blah blah.

And some very prominent Jesuits have been seen in situations of idolatory.

Pope and Pachamama

Or so I am told.

So you can see why the Jesuits are really not too keen on the embarrassing bits of the Bible. Let St John (if it is the same St John) have the last word in the Book of the Apocalypse (Revelation):

And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from these things that are written in this book.

Thursday 14 April 2022

Elon Musk offers to buy the Catholic Church

Elon Musk, said to be the richest man in the world after Cardinal Becciu, has made a bid of $666 billion for the Catholic Church (hereafter abbreviated to Cather). In a letter to Pope Francis, Chairman of the Church since a 2013 boardroom coup, Musk said that the business was not thriving under its current management, and that changes were needed.

Elon Musk

The new owner.

This is not the first time that Cather has faced hostile takeover bids: in the 16th century the entrepreneur Henry Tudor made an extremely savage takeover of its English business, "cancelling" many users. Similarly, the tycoon Martin Luther attempted to force the German branch of the Church out of business by setting up a rival platform. But this is apparently the first time that a bid has been made for the whole Church.

If Musk is successful, he is expected to sack the unpopular Chairman Francis, and install himself as boss, taking the title Pope Elon I.

Fancis and Kirill

"Takover or invasion, which do you want?"

What other changes are we likely to see?

I'm glad you asked me that. We are likely to see the return of several people who were effectively silenced by the antisocial medium - for example the notorious American Raymond Burke with his aggressive statements such as WE WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO ANSWER A FEW DUBIA FOR US, HOLY FATHER? and many people who have infringed "Community Standards" by praising the Traditional Latin Mass.

The new Musk-run Cather is unlikely to waste any time on synods, and all the pressure groups that have so far exploited Cather to conduct such activities, such as the German Heretic Synod, the Deranged Feminist Synod, and the Jesuit LGBTSJ Synod, will be in breach of Cather rules.

We live in interesting times. Possibly.

Sunday 10 April 2022

Entering on a sacred journey of becoming whole

Rowan Williams, former Archbishop of Canterbury, has signed a letter to Boris Johnson condemning Conversion Therapy for "trans" people. (Rowan himself was never very good at converting people, even to Anglicanism.)

Rowan Williams

The Archdruid of Canterbury (no, this is not photoshopped).

The letter contains the immortal sentence "To be trans is to enter on a sacred journey of becoming whole: precious, honoured and loved, by yourself, by others, and by God."

See, it's not just about denying the identity given to you by God, putting on a wig and high heels, and perhaps taking some weird drugs and/or having a few bits cut off. An archbishop has spoken, so the argument is over.

Or could it be a misprint for trains?

Many children aged about 3 or 4 play trains. Chugging round the garden saying "I'm a train. Choo choo!" is perfectly normal behaviour in kids. What can parents do if they have a "trains" kid?

Thomas the Tank Engine

A child (Thomas) after "trains" surgery.

Such children merely want to enter on a sacred journey of becoming whole (© Archdruid Rowan). Their parents should encourage them with "trains" surgery - remove their legs and have wheels fitted; feed them on coal; fit a little chimney to the top of the head. All this is available on the National Health Service, and it is only right.

Well, that's settled. People who have already adopted a "trains" existence have found their true station in life, and should not be converted to a "normal" existence - that would be going off the rails completely! With that slight edit, we agree totally with his Druidness.

Just a biological question to finish off. What does "non-binary" mean? Binary... 0 and 1... well, without getting too anatomically explicit here, your naughty bits vaguely resemble one or the other, don't they?