This is me, Eccles
Saturday 27 November 2021
Since Pope Francis has kindly produced eight modern non-rigid Vatican-II compatible
platitudes beatitudes for
bishops (yes, really),
we felt it would be helpful to produce a similar set for the use of popes. It may be regarded as the
latest in our "How to be a good pope" series.
1. Blessed is the pope who makes poverty and sharing his lifestyle:
this could include spending his humble wealth on financing lewd films,
or perhaps speculating in the property market.
with his witness he is building the kingdom of Heaven, or at least some very nice apartment blocks.
Tuesday 16 November 2021
As seen on the "Where's Peter?" blog. Pope Francis has done a wonderful job in his eight years as Vice-God - he's never put a foot wrong. Even the death of Fra' Matthew Festing this week has only reminded us of one of Francis's early achievements, the conquering of the Sovereign Order of Malta, a diplomatic triumph similar to Vladimir Putin's annexation of parts of Ukraine. But all good things must come to an end, and, although it is probable that Francis, as a superhuman being, is actually immortal (unlike Festing, ha ha), we should have a pope-in-waiting in case he leaves us, possibly by direct Assumption into Heaven.
Wednesday 10 November 2021
Following the issue of Traditionis Custodes, Pope Francis has now decided a name for the new "first class" and "second class" system under which the Catholic Church will be organized from now on - it will be known as ApartTrad.
Sunday 7 November 2021
Arthur Roche, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, today admitted that he had "never heard of Agatha Christie". Friday was the 50th anniversary of the indult given by Pope Paul VI permitting the use of the Traditional Latin Mass in England and Wales. For those who don't know, it is sometimes called the Agatha Christie Indult because one of the high-profile signatories of the petition that led to it was Agatha Christie herself (read the Wikipedia article to see who else signed). It is said that Pope Paul VI was an Agatha Christie fan, which helped to get the indult. mysterious letter to Cardinal Nichols, has claimed that the CDW had no record of this indult (and anyway, if a copy were to turn up, then of course Merciful Francis's "De Traditione Comburendo" Mot. prop. would supersede it). "I've never even heard of this Agatha Christie," claimed the fat man. "They tell me that she's a writer of detective stories, such as The Mysterious Affair at Rome, Why didn't they ask Benedict?, Death on the Tiber, and Hickory Dickory Doctrine (and I take that as a personal insult), but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, I prefer Father Brown, especially this new man on the television who is basically an Anglican." elsewhere by Fr Hunwicke . And in many other places.
Friday 5 November 2021
Continued from Chapter 19. 1. It came to pass that Bo-sis tired of preaching the good news about masks and vixens, and turned his attention to prophesying the end of the world. 2. For the children of Br-tain were obediently getting their first jabs, their second jabs, and even their very important Booster Jabs. 3. Although, owing to a fault in the the supplies, some received Wooster Jabs instead, and cried out, saying, "What Ho! It is time to go and steal a cow-creamer!" Fire, hail, snow, ice, stormy winds which fulfill his word: all these are signs of climate change." Continued in Chapter 21.
Wednesday 3 November 2021
We are truly honoured today, in that His Eminence Cardinal Blase Cupich, winner of the 2019 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has asked us to publish an excerpt from his Prattle blog.
The Unity of the Church. Pope Francis has united the Catholic Church in that everyone thinks he is a complete idiot. No, I didn't mean that. I mean that he has united the church by bashing those whose views differ from his own. The Second Vatican Council and its reforms were the work of the Holy Spirit and are in continuity with the tradition of the Church. Continuity with tradition is an important phrase here - it means changing everything completely. The role of the bishop as the sole moderator and guardian of liturgical life in his diocese. Yes, since all he needs to do is exactly what Pope Francis wants him to do. He has complete freedom of action. You don't imagine that I became a cardinal by thinking for myself, do you?