This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday 30 November 2011

Suol for sale

Well, after yesterdday's news, we fuoght dat Bosco had got it made. Mr Mepphisto was prepared to buy Bosco's suol in exchange for supplyin him with unlimmited wealth, girls, and cement doves. But Mepphisto decidded to do some market resaerch, viz readin Bosco's luvvly blogg, and so he withdrew de offer, sayin "Ho hum, it seems dat we is gonna be getting your suol in de end, anyways." You just can't trust devills, can you?

Dis has blown a big hole in Bosco's spendin plans, as de econommists say, and means dat his idea of retirin to a troppical paradise wiv some concupines has got to be put on hold. A pity, as I had been readin de brochures, and I fuond just de place for him.

Bosco island

Still, suols is worth monney, so Bosco decidded to put his on Ebbay. We was gonna adverttise it as "A simple soul," but it seems dat dere's a Fluabert chap who is also sellin his, so we got compettition.

Simple suol

We aint got many offers yet for dis valauble commoddity of Bosco's.

Now Anti Moly has been complainin about possums on de roof and a clique of traddy Cathlic sockpoppets under de bed. Dey is keepin her awake until 5 a.m. every nihgt, so she aint got nuffin to do but take a bottle of gin and start bloggin. De doctor said it was Dellirium Tremendous, but Anti insisted dat she was as sober as a newt, so we looked under her bed, and out crawled Bosco. He had been feelin so humilliated dat he went and hid dere. Dont worry, dere bruvver Bosco, we will find a buyer for your suol.

Bosco under bed

"I told you dat dere was somefink under my bed," screeched Anti Moly, althuogh in fact Bosco is as far from bein a traddy Cathlic as it is possible to be wivvout actaully wearin a bone thruogh de nose and doin humman scarifices (Bosco dont do that no more, cos he is saved). Later on we looked on de roof as well, and dere was indeed a possum jumpin up and down.


Anti Moly finks dat it will make a very nice pie, she reely appreciattes Austrialan wildlife.

Tuesday 29 November 2011

Bosco wants to sell his suol

My bruvver Bosco is allways short of monney, as he aint never been able to hold down a proper job. De last one dat he had was some contract work for Richard Dakwins, he was bein employed to sneak into Cathlic churhces and spray rude slogans on de walls, like "All preists is pevrets" and "Git lost Mary," also he was paintin false mousetaches on de statues of Jessus dat Cathlics like kissin. Dis is called thoelogical dialogg.

While he was doin dis usefull work, Bosco met a stranger who said "Ullo, bruvver, my name is Mepphisto, and I finks I mihgt have an offer dat wuold interrest you. I sees from your work dat you got all de rihgt quallificatoins."

You may say dat dis Mepphisto is a funny-lookin chap, but when you comppares him wiv my Anti Moly you sees dat he's quite handdsome reely.

Bosco's fiend

Bosco he came back very excitted, and said, "Dis Mepphisto guy he is a saved pusson, as he says dat he knows both Jessus and Sattan, dat means he's got freinds in both Heaven and Hell. We's reely gonna cleen up here, Eccles."

Mepphisto sure was offerin a very good deal, as all Bosco gotta do is to promisse him his suol when he dies, and before dat Bosco can have riches, girls, and as many cemment doves as he wants.

Bosco aint had much luck with girls lately, here he is tryin to chat up a girl in de Calumny Chappel, she dont seem to be very impressed by his eloqquence.

Bosco chattin up a girl

De odd fing about de conttract is dat it gotta be singed in Bosco's own blood. We is gonna consult our laywers, Cuttley, Buttley and Muttley, to see whevver dis is a standard leggal proceddure.

I was askin Bosco about dis iddea of sellin your suol to de Devill, cos we can't see any catch in it. Bosco keeps tellin me dat he knows Jessus, He came into Bosco's life when he was on a bus, and said "Ullo, where is you goin, young man?" Dis changed Bosco's life for good, he knew dat he was a saved pusson, and he got off de bus and went off to buy a clown cosstume. Jessus shouted after him "Oi! You aint paid for your tickett," which is a message we is still tryin to unnderstand.

So since Bosco is saved, he says dere aint no harm in gettin a good price for his suol since he aint gonna need it much. By de same token, he said I should try and sell my brane as I aint usin it, I dont fink dats a nice fing for a big bruvver to say, Bosco.

Meanwhile, Bosco is havin truoble understandin Cathlic festivvals. Farver Arfur explaned dat we is now in Advent, which is de seasson when we preppares for de birth of Christ by kissin lotsa statues of Mary. Also we reconciles ourselfs wiv our ennemies (for example, by sendin dem piosoned boxes of chocollates).

Bosco and me is finkin of sendin out Chrisstmas cards to all our friends, but it aint easy to find a good dessign, as some of dem has got Mary and Josseph on so dey is gravven images and makes Bosco lose controll. Still, we got two cards dat we quite likes, and here dey is.

Calumy Chappel Labm

Dat's a Calumny Chappel approved Labm (becuase Bosco and me, we follows de Labm).

Jessus on donkey

Dat's baby Jessus on a donkkey. He has told Mary to git lost cos she is a sinner and aint saved. Bosco explaned dis to me.

Sunday 27 November 2011

Lattin Masses

Farver Arfur, de preist and good stand-in, was told he had to do a Lattin Mass. Aparrently de Pop says dat Lattin is a very important langauge (dey speaks it in Lattin Americca), and if some pest wants a mass in Lattin (de Extroardinary Form), den he has gotta givvem one.

Farver Arfur werent too keen on dis, as he dont speak no Lattin, just a few words like "Mundabor", "Bellator", "Hamish Redux", "Sede vacante", "mmmmmmmmmmmcclxiii" and "Benedicata". Dis don't seem to be enuff to keep de conservation goin for a whole mass. So we gottim a book, which mihgt be usefull.

Lattin for Arfur

But he weren't gratefull, he said "At 9 p.m. yesterday you said dat I was a dummy. Accordin to de Cattechisms of de Churhc dis is a sin known as Subtractoin, and you has gotta walk to Rome on your knees to attone." We remindded him dat Bosco and me is saved poeple, not Cathlics, and dat Jessus gave us a Get Out of Hell Free Card. Bosco keeps it in his wallet wiv his Sister Whippie Club card.

Anti Moly decidded dat we wuold all go and cheer on Farver Arfur, and she put on a specail costtume from Bibblical times, to enter into de spirrit of fings.

Anti Moly again

Bosco and me found a Lattin prayer in a book, and we said to Farver Arfur, "Why doesnt you say dis one, Arfur, its very traditoinal for costume holly men to say it in churhc."

Caesar adsum jam forte,
Pompey aderat:
Caesar sic in omnibus,
Pompey sic in at.

Farver Arfur werent convinced, but we told im dat it meant "O Lord have mercy on dese horrible poeple in de churhc. I dont know why I bovvers wiv such rabble frankly, so I wont be surprised if you doesnt neither," and he said dat was de sort of prayer he reely likes.

Farver Arfur refused to wear de ussual Lattin cosstume holly man vestments, but bein a humble man, he did wear L plates to show dat he was just a begginner.

Preist wiv L plates

De Mass went OK I fink, but I didnt reely follow it. What my bruvver Bosco says is, dat since de King James Bibble was written in Engglish, why did dis Vullgate chap translate it into Lattin? Dere aint no anwser to dat, is dere?

Friday 25 November 2011

How to blogg like Damain

Bosco and me we is very keen on Damain Thopmson's blogg, and especailly I likes de one he does on Friday nihgt, when he chooses a randdom sellectoin of topics like David Cammeron, Doctor Who and Richard Charters, and weaves dem into a coherrent narrattive. So I fuoght I'd do de same this time.


Bosco and me we has heard dat se Chair of St Peter is vacant, and dat de last real Pop was Pius XII. Here he is, rellaxin in de gruonds of de Vattican.

Pius XII

Dat news has sure come as a grate surrprise to Pop Bennedict. "Well, bless my sole," he said. "I seems to be an Antipop. I better ressign at once and let someone else take over. I wonder if I is allowed to keep de red shoes?"

Bosco is waitin in de wings for de white smoke from Rom, but he have got a specail Pop shirt in scarlet dat he can wear. So if dey phons him from Rom and says, "You is de new Pop, buster, has you got a shirt to wear?" he aint gonna be fuond wantin like de foolish vergers in de Bibble.

Pop shirt


In de Calumny Chappel Bosco and me we is often given spiritaul exxercises to occupy ourselves in de service. Dis is really to stop Bosco from shoutin, "You aint saved buster," at vissitors, and allows de uvver folk to get on wiv singin de hynms about how wearin golden crowns is gonna be cool.

Our spiritaul reading is very varried. Dere was a great story about St Thommas de Tank, who duobted de truth of de resurectoin and was turned into a train. Den we quite likes de blessed Winnie de Pau from de land of milk and honney. Bosco also gets spiritaul comfort from de tale of Allice in Wonderland wot got attacked by a bunny rabit. Here is anuvver story we read recently, which was about our Anti Moly's shcool days in Pottymouth.

Moly Basher

But dis week by mistake dey gave us a peom to read, what was called Xannadu. Dis have got some hard words in it and we didnt reely understand what it was about. Dere was somefink about a stately pleasure-dom, which suonds a bit like Farver Arfur's churhc, where he does his cosstume holly-man stand-in stuff, tellin poeple dat dey is all sinners wot can never be forgivven.

Farver Arfur

Allso dere was a bit in de peom about a woman wailin for her demmon lover.

When I got home I greeted my Anti Moly wiv a luvvin kiss. Well actaully I blew de kiss from de uvver side of de room, as I doesnt normally want to get too close, dem brokken noses takes a long time to heal.

"Is you wailin for your demmon lover, Anti Moly?" I asked.
Anti burst into tears, and said "Oh Goerge, Goerge, why did you leave me and become a Cradinal?"
"Cheer up, Anti," I said. "We just heard dat de Pop is an Antipop, so dat probbably Cardinals is Anticradinals, and de poor man will be commin back to you soon."

We now has a lotta poeple waitin by de telephon. Bosco wants his call from de Vattican to say he is de new Pop, and Anti Moly wants her Anticradinal to telephon and say he is commin to lay his heart at her grate big feet.


Some people finks dat my Anti Moly needs rehabillitatin, as if you reads dis blogg carelessly you may get de impression dat she is a bad-temperred old woman wot spends all nihgt on de Internnet insultin poeple. So I has taken it uppon myself to find 5 nice fings to say about her. It was gonna be 9, like de 9 Commandments we has in de Callumny Chappel Bibble (Bosco says de one abuot bearin false wetnurses was a mipsrint), but I ran out of ideas.

1. Anti Moly knows more Austrialan sware words dan anyone else I has met.
2. Aldough she aint saved, and she dont like de words "good" and "evil", she aint never murrdered anyone. How many poeple can say dat, Bosco?
3. Anti can drink a whole bottle of gin wivvout any change in her behavvior.
4. She got enuogh stammina to stay up until 5 a.m. bloggin every nihgt.
5. Anti's dog Cerberrus loves her very much, but she aint reely a dog pusson. We asked de vet to recommend a cat for her, and he said dat a pole cat was de anwser in her case. Dese are pussy cats from Polland, and dey will give Anti lots of luv.

Pollish cat

Lord Tebit, what is annuvver Tellegrahp blogger, has got one, wot was givven him by Micheal Foot. So Anti is in distingiushed companny.

Well dere we are. I hope dis proves dat Farver Arfur aint got a monolopy on bein charittable.

Sunday 20 November 2011

Farver Arfur at churhc

Our friend Farver Arfur dont live ruond here pernamently, so he dont have a churhc of his own. Todday he was standin in for Fr X. Pell de Mons at our local Cathlic churhc, cos Fr Pell was away bein treeted for nervuous exhaustoin. Dis may be becos Bosco tried to set his prebsyterry on fire as an eccumanic gessture.

We was gonna go along to see what Fr Arfur had to say, but we had probblems wiv Anti Moly, who was up all nihgt wiv roflitis. "Tee hee hee, sky faireys," she giggled. "A relligoin invented by bronze-age goat hurds, ha ha ha. De Pop's got red shoes, hee hee hee. Get goggling!" Den her mood changed to traggedy. "Pretty sad, eh. Woefull. Waaaahhhhh."


Dis is a book dat I was gonna get Anti Moly some time, it mentoins her old admirrer, Herrman Gorring, wot fuond her too agressive for his tastes. But maybe we shuoldnt stir up past trageddies.

I suppose you is gonna say dat we dealt wiv Anti Moly's roflitis probblem by givvin her gin, dat's de sort of mallicoius comments dey is allways makin about my Grate Anti. Nope, in fact we gave her a bowl of vintage mallt Austrialan whisky, it's called Glenn McGrath.

So we was late for de churhc, and we turned up just as de folks was leavin. Usaully dey gets a large congreggation of unsaved poeple, but dis week all we saw was Farver Arfur standin outside de churhc talkin to one old lady. De rest must have seen him commin.

Farver Arfur after churhc

We listened to de freidnly wellcome dat Farver Arfur was givvin to de sweet old lady.

"Madam, at 10.10 a.m. todday, you said 'I has greatly sinned in my thuoghts and in my words, in what I has done and in what I has failed to do, thruogh my fualt, thruogh my fualt, thruogh my most grievous fault.' I is gonna take dat as a confession, and hold it against you for de rest of your life. Poeple like you shuoldnt be allowed in de churhc."

As de old lady burst into tears and hobbled away, Farver Arfur explaned dat dis week he was preechin about sheeps and goats. He is compilin dossierrs on all de poeple he knows, so dat he can tell dem dat dey is all goats.

Bosco and me aint goats, indeed Bosco is a hihgly resppected figger at de Calumny Chappel. He has been givvin instructoin to de kiddies Bibble class, so dat some of dem may get saved like us. De kids was asked to draw a demmon, and dis was de best entry. Dere is somethink wrong wiv it, but I aint worked out what it is.

Bosco de monster

I aint mentoined Bosco's lycanthroppy todday. We is hopin dat until de moon is full we can keep it under controll. As you see from de pitcher bellow, Bosco is allmost managin to lead a normall life. Dont my bruvver look sweet?

Bosco is normall

Saturday 19 November 2011

We goes to a weddin

Well, as promised, Bosco got me some ointmeant for my stimgata. I was surprised dat he didnt go to de farmersea, but to de hardwear store. "You has got an acid skin, Eccles," he said, "and so if you rubs dis Cuastic Sodda into it, you will be heeled in no time." In fact, I doesnt seem to be gettin much better, but probabbly dis is just a sing of de Lord's favuor like dat Paddy Pio chap had.

De docttor have put Bosco onto a course of injectoins of silver sollution in de blood streem, dis is less paneful dan havvin bullets fired into you, and maybe his lycanthroppy is nearly under control.

Now we attended a weddin todday, and de cosstume holly man said "Is dere any just cuase or impeddiment why dis fat guy and dis uggly dame cant be joined in holly matrimoney and share de tribbulatoins of life togevver poor fools?" (I aint stuppid I knows dat he means kids.) At dat moment Bosco let out a "YOWWW!" and bit de cosstume hollyman.

Dey let de service continue once de bride had explaned dat Bosco werent nuffinn to do wiv her. Here is de preist after Bosco bit him, I dunno whevver he is still in good standin.

Cosstume wolfman

Farver Arfur came ruond to see us again, bringin de finnal proofs dat he is in fact a preist. "Look," he said, "I gotta mugg and a tea-shirt. Dese come dirrectly from de Vattican City Supermakret, where de Pop buys his red shoes. You cant get dese souvennirs unless you is reely a preist, dey has a Monsingor on de checkout till to make sure. In fact it is a morttal sin to buy dem if you aint a preist, and you gets ticked off by one of de Cradinals, dey got one wiv got specail responssibility for paperclips, souvennirs and keepin de dranes unblocked. He's called Coremack somefink."

Mugg Tea shirt

"By de way," he continued, "I has been tappin your telephonn so dat I can repeet back all de fings you has ever said. At 11 a.m. todday one of you made a telephonn call and you said 'Ullo, is dat de supermarrket could you delliver six extra bottles of gin for Anti Moly today, also we needs some Calumny Chappel dove cakes.' I is tellin you dis in order to annoy you and embarass you, as dat is what we preists sees as our saccred duty."

Well, it is a bit embarassin, frankly, as Bosco says dese cakes is reely divvine, he adores em. Dey is simply heavennly.

Calumny Cake

Bosco is finkin of goin to Farver Arfur's churhc tomorrow, to tell all de punters dat dey is servants of Baaal. Dey is destinned for de Lake of Fire, cos Jessus hasnt saved dem pussonally like Bosco and me we is saved. Dis is what de prophet Zecharriah calls "Comforttable words."

Wednesday 16 November 2011

I got stimgata

I aint feelin too well at pressent. I has got nasty wuonds on my skin and dey hurts. My dere bruvver Bosco (who got his own probblems as I will rellate) says dat dey is stimgata, like Paddy Pio got, an dis means I is saved.

Bosco was very kind to me, yesterdday he gave me a luvly prodduct called Nittric Acid Handwash, which he told me I cuold rub on uvver parts of de boddy as well. Dis is to keep me clene and hygeinic.


Anyways, todday I got de stimgata. So I knows I is saved like dat Irrish chap Paddy Pio.

But poor Bosco has still got probblems to do wiv howlin at de Moon (I knew dat sayin "BITE ME" wuold lead to trubble). Here is a new photto of him.

Bosco and dicsiple

Dis is some dame wot turned up to see Bosco. She had read Bosco's luvvly blogg and wanted more advisse on being saved. For some reasson she didnt stay verry long. Probabbly she decidded dat de path to salivation is too dificult.

I said to Bosco dat he was turnin into a cosstume howly man (dat's a joke), but he just told me to shut up. I fink Bosco is jeallous at de sparklin wit dat his little bruvver is cappable of.

Bosco and me went to de docttor togevver, and de cosstume healie man (annuver joke, you sure is doin well todday, Eccles) said dat I needed some ointtment for burns. So Bosco is kindly gonna get somefink for me from de farmersee. De docttor said dat dere is a surggical treetment possible for Bosco's probblem, but it involves bein shot wiv a silvver bullet, and dat suonds paneful.

I will blogg more about my Anti Moly soon, but she was up all last nihgt screemin at de internnet, dis hobby of hers is very exhuastin for all of us. I took an exclussive pitcher of her computter, de site of so much happy roflin.

Anti's computter

Sunday 13 November 2011

Rememmbrance Day

Dis is a pitcher of Bosco last nihgt, he have got a new hobby, astronnomy. At least, he likes starin at de Moon and howlin. I was tryin to interest him in some uvver plannets, like Jupitter (de Cathlics make moddels of it and kiss em, Bosco says), but at de momment he is only interrested in de Moon. I gonna buy him a tellescope as a pressent.

Bosco doin astronnomy

Today is Vetterans Day (Rememmbrance Day) in Callifornia, and we was invited to attend a solenm cerremony at de war memmorial in Lake Hellsinus. Bosco is bein a bit dificult now, since de wolf bit him, and Grate-Anti Moly is always a bit dificult, but we went along anyway.

At de war memmorial dere was a costume holly man, who said "We is now gonna keep sillent for 2 minnutes, so dat we can medditate and pray."

To my dissmay, dis bruoght on a cry of "ROFL" from Anti Moly, and she started rollin on de gruond, luaghing historically at de idea of keepin quiet for 2 minnutes.

Anti Moly rofling

It dont make it easy to have a 2 minnute sillence, when you got an old lady cacklin historically, and de costume holly man aint allowed to say "Shut up you old bat," as dat aint bein sillent niether. But I passed her de bottle of gin, she settled down to medditate wiv dat, and we ressumed de sillence.

De next probblem was my bruvver Bosco, cos when he sees de Moon he gets very agittated. Dere was no Moon, but dey had put some floodlihgts on to illunimate de war memmorial, and dis set off his howlin again. So we got frew de 2 minnutes sillence wiv a mixture of rofls, howls and hiccupps (cos Anti had bin medditatin too hard wiv de gin).

What was worse was when we was walkin back we met Farver Arfur de Preist in good standin (he says) who told us "At 11 a.m. todday you said de followin: 'Rofl Rofl Cackle Cackle Shut up Anti Hee Hee Hee Give us de gin Yowww Yowww Ssshhh Bosco dat aint de Moon Yowww Yowww Hic Hic Hic Burp!' Does you fink dat dis is de propper way to behhave?" It is good to have Farver Arfur reminddin us of our foe pass, as we wuold not have known uvverwise.

When we got home we got a letter from anuvver costume holly man called John, who advissed us to read some devvotional writtin and medditate on de muvver of Jessus. Well dis aint what we does in de Callumny Chappel, sorry, John. Anyway, Pastor Cook has chosen some devvotional writtin for us, which he reckons is just at our levvel. Bosco and I reads it in de Chappel, and colors in de pitchers.

Bosco de wombbat

Dat aint my harey bruvver Bosco on de covver of de book, dats a wombbat. Anti says dey has lots of em in Austriala, and dey is deliciuos wiv fries.

Saturday 12 November 2011

Bosco asks to be bitten

I asked my dere bruvver Bosco wot I shuold blogg on, as fings is a little quiet rihgt now, and he said "Blog this Eccles......BITE ME" (I is copyin his words verbattim).

It is a well known fact dat Bosco is gettin more acetic these days. He made some unsucessful attempts to morttify de flesh by consultin a dame who knows about whippin (see an earlier blogg), but all he ended up wiv was a year's supply of Sister Whippy's milky puddin. We is still eatin de horrid stuff.

Now Bosco is takin dis mortifyin de flesh fing more seriuosly, and when I asked him how I cuold help my luvvin bruvver, he said "BITE ME". Well, pussonally I doesnt go ruond bitin poeple, I leaves dat to de foobtall players, so I asked Anti Moly what to do, and she said "I'll bite im, de stupid clown." I wants to save Anti Moly and I don't fink saved poeple goes aruond biting dere nehpews, so we compromissed. I borrowed her spare pear of flase teef and left dem on Bosco's chair.

Moly's teef

Bosco sat down on de teef and arose from his chair sayin "Fank you, Eccles, I is feelin much more spirritaul now." Sometimes I does fings dat reely please him.

De next idea I had was based on a little known probblem dat Anti Moly has wiv her hare. If she doesnt wash it in a good danndruf shammpoo she comes out in snakes (de doctor said it was called de Medussa synndrome). Dis is what she looked like last time she had dis hare conddition.

Anti Moly wiv long hare

So I fuoght dat Anti Moly cuold let her hare grow and de snakes cuold bite Bosco, thus puriffyin his suol. But she refussed to do it, sayin it was too much trubble.

We rejeccted de idea of askin Anti's dog Cerberrus to bite Bosco, as last time it caught a nasty illness and had to go and see 3 vets. Also his girlfiend Camila Van Pyre aint on bitin terms wiv Bosco rihgt now, since she fuond out dat he is also chasin a dame called Hilda.

De probblem was solved in an unexpected way. Bosco was out in de fields dis evenin followin labms when a wolf turned up and bit him.

Bosco de wolfman

As you see if you looks carefully at my pitcher, Bosco has changed his appearrance. Maybe dis is God's way of showin him dat he is trully saved. What is strange is dat Bosco keeps goin outside to howl at de moon - or maybe he is singin a hynm dat goes "YOWWWW!" I cant find dat one in de Calumny Chappel Book of Hynms for Saved Poeple, maybe it is a Bapptist hynm.

Friday 11 November 2011

Bosco is mocked

My dere bruvver Bosco is bein annoyed by nasty Cathlics playin silly pracktical jokes at present. If you is doin any of de followin, cuold you please stop?

1. Some people is phonin Bosco and askin him: "Hello, Bosco, does you follow de Labm?" When my bruvver Bosco replies, "Yup, I sure does," dey shouts "BAAAAAAA!" at him. Dis confusses poor Bosco as he finks it is Jessus telephonnin him, and he rushes out lookin for sheep to follow. Dis aint de rihgt one, I is farely sure.

Bosco and labm

2. Some uvver bad poeple has contacted de local iddle companny and ordered 200 cemment doves to be delivvered to our huose. Aldough dese are de saccred animals of de Calumny Chappel, wot we likes to kiss, Bosco could not cope wiv de spiritaul overlaod of havvin to kiss 200 of dem.

Cemment doves

3. We has had enquirries about de phottos on Bosco's luvvly blogg of poeple dressed up as costume holly men, kissin each uvver, which is WRONG but dat's what Cathlic preists does all de time.

Somebody asked Bosco to put dis photto on his blogg, to show dat we got de same probblem in de Calumny Chappel, but dat's not de point, is it?

Calumny Chappel sinners

4. We is allways waitin for de Rapture, when Jessus is gonna call his flock (Bosco and Eccles) home, and sepparate dem from de goats (which is everryone else, especailly Anti Moly). It aint helpin much dat somoene phonned us up and said "Bosco, de Rapture is happenin right now. Go and jump in de lake, and you will be snatched up to Heaven." Bosco went off at once to do de Lord's will, but we is beginnin to susspect dat it was a haox.

Bosco waitin for Rapture

Bosco is you goin to be in dat lake a long time? We gonna have dinner soon.

Tuesday 8 November 2011

Anti Moly on de jurry

In her younger days, Anti Moly was on de jurry of a very excittin murder trail, and she was tellin Bosco and me about it. My Anti Moly is a grate lady, even thuogh she aint saved, so I gonna put de story here too.

It was all about a gang of people accused of murderin someone in a catheddral. Dey swore in de jurry, and when Anti Moly's turn came de usher said "Has you any connectoins wiv de laywers or de defenndants?"

"I hates dem!" said Anti Moly.
"Who?" asked de usher.
"All of dem!" said my dere Anti. "De laywers got wiggs on, dey is sockpoppets, probbably from a traddy cliqque. Allso I knows de judge cos when I was a cleanin lady I used to clean his chammbers. Dey was fillthy I can tell you and..."
"Dat's enough of dat, Mrs Haddock," said de usher. "It dont count."
"Ho hum, I was wonderin why I got frew de gin so quickly," commented de judge.

Here's a photto of Anti Moly addressin de court.

Moly in court

"Does you sware by Almihgty God to be an honest jurrer, to stay awake, and not to shout 'sockpoppet' at de judge?" asked de usher.
"ROFL," said Anti Moly. "I doesn't believe in any gods. And I aint callin him 'Yer honor', he dont know any more about law than I does, I saw de Merchant of Venus at de Pottymouth Playhuose. Dont fink you can pretennd dat de quallity of mercy is straned, you poor sad woeful creecher, cos it aint." (De Pottymouth Playhuose is what Anti Moly used as a sauce of learnin in de old days before she got her educcation from Goggle and Wikkipedia. Usaully dey acted herroic tales of jolly swagmans jumpin into billaboings, but sometimes dey did Shakespear too.)

Well, de case finally got started. De crinimals in de dock was accused of stabbin a Cathlic preist in good standin, and dey pleaded guilty. Since an artist was standin nearby to paint a pitcher of the scene, de evvidence was probbably overwhemling.

Murder of preist

"Well," said de judge, "I fink your clients has come to de rihgt decission, Mr Cuttley."
"Objectoin!" screemed Anti Moly. "You aint tellin me dat its a crime now to murder Cathlics, you silly man wiv a wigg?"

De judge was very angrry and he sentenced my Anti Moly for Contepmt of Court. Dis is what dey did to her, and she was very cross.

Duckin Moly

Dis herroic tale have inspired my bruvver Bosco, dat maybe he can become a judge. Bosco will miss de Day of Judgement, bein saved already, but maybe he can help God make up his mind about dem what aint alreddy saved. So you all gotta be nice to Bosco, he got infleunce.

Sunday 6 November 2011

A warnin to de unsaved

I has been committin a grave sin, Bosco says, as I has been spendin too much time tellin you about de storry of my life (de world tuor, de raid on de Cathlic riches, Farver Arfur's exercisms of Anti Moly etc.). We has gotta spend more time finkin about your Salivation, dere reader, cos you has only come here becos you wants to be as saved as Bosco and me.

In de immorttal words of Bosco, if your huose is on fire den we gotta wake you up and tell you. And if you doesnt know Jessus pussonally, den your huose will be on fire, cos we is gonna set it on fire. (Has I got dis sutble thoelogical point rihgt, Bosco? Cuold you explane it again some time?)

Here is a pitcher of Bosco commin to de aid of some poeple wot has got a huose on fire. De kid wot is drivin lent us de fire engin, so we let her drive. In fact she drives much better dan Bosco, who allways speeds up when he sees nuns crossin de road ahead, who can blame him?

Fireman Bosco

Cosstume hollymen is anuvver obstackle to being saved, and I fuond some more of dese dreddful creechers in a TV dockumentery called All Gas and Gators, dey is worshippin someone called Saint Ogg. I was told dat dey isnt Cathlics, but dey is clearly not saved. Note dat in de photto it aint de Bibble dey is readin, probabbly it is a relick of St Ogg, which de guy in de top hat is gonna kiss. Dat's not de way saved poeple like Bosco and me behaves.

More cosstume holly men

Finally, we gotta warn you about a Woman wiv de Gold Cup wot appears in de Book of Relevation, and definitley aint saved. I managed to find a pitcher of dis wicked pusson, so Bosco and me knows our ennemy. We has contactted a dettective agenncy to see if dey can track her down, den we can save her.

Woman wiv gold cup

Anti Moly's world tuor

When we was little, Anti Moly took Bosco and me on a world tuor to broadden our minds. Mom was very glad to have us off her hands for a few weeks, although Bosco was about 15, and de teecher said he ought to stay at shcool and learn to read and write as well as what I does.

We went first to Gibralltar, as Anti Moly had heard a rumuor dat Cradinal Pell wuold be visitin - you will recall dat he had escapped her affections by jumpin into a billaboing and den becommin a Cathlic preist. Here is a tuochin pitcher of Bosco sunbathin near de famuos Rock of Gibralltar (when he was little he didnt allways dress up as a clown of cuorse).

Bosco in Gibralltar

We didnt find Cradinal Pell, and Anti got into truoble when we tried to leave, as de Customms poeple said she was stealin a rock ape, I cant imaggine why. But Bosco looked just like his passport photto, so dey had to let him go.

Next we went to Tibbet to see de Dolly Llama. Anti had met dis cosstume holly man before in 1920 when she was a little girl and he charmed her wiv lotsa gin. Now she came back, but it was a different Dolly Llama, who said he was reincranated, but only drinks tea, so she told him he was a fruad. Still dis new Dolly chap said dat if she was good Anti Moly wuold be reincranated as a croccodile. If he is rihgt, then Bosco and Moly will look like dis, not much of a change really.

Moly and Bosco

Still, for Anti Moly its de best you can do when you aint saved like Bosco and me, what will be wearin our golden crowns by de sea of glass. Dis worries me, in fact, as how is we supposed to jump in de sea of glass for a swim wivvout gettin cut to pieces? I asked Bosco and he said I was stuppid, saints doesnt get hot and need to swim. I aint so sure about dat, I gonna ask Pastor Recippe some day.

Anti Moly also took us to clibm up Ayyers Rock in Austriala, cos dis is a saccred place to de Aborrigines, bein a place linked wiv de fammuos dreemtime in dere mythollogy. So Anti Moly went and laid on de top and promptly started snorrin.

De Aborrigines wasnt too pleased dat she was dreemin wivvout a permitt, and sent one of de cosstume holly men to frow us off. Dat fing he's carry is called a boomerrang, aldough it don't go BOOM it go CRACK when it hits a sleepin lady and wakes her. She tried to frow it back, but it hit her in de face, you has to be an aborrigine to frow dem propperly.

Ayyers Rock cosstume holly man

Bosco, since dis chap dresses like us in de Calumny Chappel, I fink he mihgt be a little bit saved, dont you?

N.B. I has not blogged about All Saints (Novvember 1st), which is de day when we saved poeple in de Calumny Chappel pats ourselves on de back for bein saints who is alreddy specail freinds wiv Jessus. We was standin outsside de Chappel when a polliceman walked past and said "Grate Helloween cosstumes guys, but aint you a day late?" I dunno what he meant.

All Saints Cellebration