This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday 29 September 2011

Costume holly men

Bosco have been gettin very excitin about dem wicked Cathlics, especially costume holly men wiv gold cupps, like dis one. We in de Calumny Chappel knows dat we has found Jessus, we has even saved him a space in de car park, but we doesnt need no gold cupps.

Holly man wiv gold cup

And here's annuver costume holly man. I thuoght at first it was Bosco teechin in de Calumny Chappel Sunday School, but he explaned to me dat it is a Cathlic preist called Abrahham dicsiplining his kid who did somefink wicked like readin de Bibble. Well you gotta be firm wiv kids.


In de Calumny Chappel we doesnt have costume holly men, we has passtors. I fought dat was like spahgettis, but Bosco explaned dat it means shehperds. Now dat may seem like blassphemy, cos Jessus is de sheperd, not Pastor Noodle. So perhaps we had better go back to calling dem fathers instead, most of them got lots of kids and not many has got sheep.

Still, bein a shehperd suonds like more fun dan bein a father. In de Bibble dey sits in de fields and every so often an Angle comes along and says "Ullo, shehperds. Has you been saved?"

Angle and shehperds

Anyways, Bosco is off to Seel Beech again soon, wiv me and Anti Moly. My bruvver have got a new job in de retale trade, he is wot dey call a fast-food magnet like Mr Wallmat and Mr Macdonnald (for Brittish readers, dis is like Lord Assda, or King Burger who is de prettender to a thron somewhere, maybe it's Germmany).

Bosco de fast-food magnet

Bosco's job is to stand in de street, but he gotta keep his mouf shut, poeple who wants an ice-creem doesnt like it if you says "Git lost bruvver, no ice-creem for you, you aint saved." Still, Bosco is only doin it for dere own good, dey gonna needs lots of ice-creem if dey ends up in de Lake of Fire.

Tuesday 27 September 2011

Cradinal Pel

De world is not kind to my Anti Moly, indeed many poeple calls her a senille old bat. Howevver dey wuold understand her better if dey knew more about de grate unrequitted luv affair of her life.

When Anti Moly was a yuong girl of 43 in Austriala, she fell in luv wiv a chap called Goerge Pel, who was a devuot Cathlic (he was about 20 years old I fink). Dey used to go for many a romantic walk beside de billaboing, which is an Austrialan pond - at least she used to chase after him, and he wuold dive into de billaboing to escape her attentoins. Dere was croccodiles in dem billaboings, but dat didnt stop him, he was so anxiuos for a swim.

Croccodile in billaboing

Here is a sweet photto of Anti Moly as a yuong girl, de rose of Pottymouth dey used to call her. How cuold dat brute Goerge Pel resist her charms, you is surely askin yousself.

De rose of Pottymouth

Well, de romance was domed, like Romoe and Juleit, or Bony and Clyd. Goerge Pel ran away to train as a Cathlic preist, and ever since then, Anti Moly has had a fannatical hattred of Cathlics. Well, Cathlics aint saved so we hates dem too.

I aint got a photto of Goerg Pel when he was a yuong lad, but here is a photto of him wearin a fish hat. Bosco says fish hats is cool, and he is gonna get one to wear in de bath.

Pel in fish hat

Curiously it seems dat Goerge Pel (who is now a Cradinal) might be a cousin of Father X. Pel de Mons, de man what used to try and give Bosco and me Cathlic instruxion and is now in a home for nervvous wrecks.

Here is a recent photto of Fr Xavier, you may notice dat he have been infleunced slightly by de custtoms of de Calumny Chappel, but he still got his costume holly man dog collar on.

Father Xavier

Well, we finks dat Anti left Austriala to forget her unrequitted luv, its a very sad storry, innit?

Sunday 25 September 2011

Anti reads a book

Now dat Bosco has escapped from de Cathlic dugneon, he hates dem unsaved pests more dan evver. Howevver at present he is spendin most of his time goin ruond de huose kissin de stattues and sayin fings like "I has missed you darlin St Peter", so dat it is Anti Moly wot gets in de lyme lihgt todday.

First, I took a photto of de touchin scene where Bosco returned to his luvvin Anti and bowed down before her. He reely worhsips his Anti Moly.

Bosco bows down

My Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de Pop's red shoes what he wears, and she says of him, "Dis yuong man he has some traddy ideas about murder (against), theft (against) and baring flase witness (against), but he sure is a leader of fashion." So she have buoght herself lots of red shoes, dey used to call her de Immedla Macros of Pottymouth, when she was in Austriala, cos she got so many of dem. She was grately admired by Cradinal Pel, she says, but Cradinals aint sposed to chase girls, even uggly ones, so dat nuffink came of it. Dat makes her reely sad sometimes.

Red shoes

Anuvver fing dat is excittin her is dat her grate herro, de piuos polite charmin (etc.) St Cuttley have written a book, called "Thopmson Takes Charge", and we fink he is gonna come here to sing coppies in de shopps. Dis Cuttley he is a little old-fahsioned, and de book aint produced wiv modern technogoly, but she is enjoyin it very much and reeds out passages to us at brekfast.

Cuttleys book

Perhapps I will reed de book myself later, and find out what it is all about. I fink it's set in a shcool wiv some nuaghty boys called Dellingpol and Hanann, dese names seem strangley familliar.

We is goin out tonihgt as a fambly to see a classic play about de ruogh life of a molydbenite minor in de Austrialan outback, strugglin to bring in de preciuos ore.

On de poster it says my Anti Moly is directin it. Dis means dat she screems "Sockpoppet" at de actors when she finds out dey aint reely de poeple dey is dressed up as, she never got de hang of dramma.

Also, if you looks carefully, you can see de word "idiot" on de poster, dat's a special refference to my dere bruvver Bosco, who comes in half way thruogh to say "You aint saved," it's good dat a play has a spiritaul message like dat.

Poster for play

Saturday 24 September 2011

Bosco is fuond

Dere is grate cerebration in our household becuase de Prodigious Son, viz my dere bruvver Bosco, have been returned to us. He is in a somewhat dazed state, babblin incoherrently, but dat is perfickly normal for him, so we aint worried.

We has been thinkin of killin de fatted claf for Bosco. De Calumny Chappel have got one, but dey wont lend him to us. Here is a pitcher of de beest in quetsion, wot is gonna be saved.

fatted claf

Now I'd better explane what happenned. We got a tellephone call from de local Cathlic Churhc to say dey had kindapped Bosco to stop him savin poeple, dey will stop at nuffink dem Cathlics.

Bein Cathlics and used to methodds of torcher, dey had locked up poor Bosco in a dunngeon. He was keepin up his spirrits by singing hynms about how he was saved, washed in de blud of de Labm, and reddy to collect his golden crown at de check-in at Heaven's Gate. Indeed, he had alreddy sent a prayer to Jessus wiv detales of de mesurements of his head, it aint much fun spendin eternitty wiv a crown dat don't fit.

Bosco in de dunngeon

Well, de Cathlics wanted $10,000 ransome, or dey said dey was gonna send him back to us. "We dont want dis gibberrin idoit singin here all day long," dey said. "We got some seroius iddle-worshippin to get on wiv. Give us de duogh and we'll make sure he dissappears."

De Calumny Chappel was very keen on payin de ransome, as dey said $10,000 was a reel bargian, to be rid of Bosco for ever. But I is a luvvin bruvver and refussed to pay, so dese Cathlic feinds sent Bosco home again. I did suggest dat dey cuold take my Anti Moly in exchange, but dey didnt want her.

Still, dis gave me an idea, and so we has put an advert in de newspapper placin our Anti Moly on de markett.



Anti Moly




So far noboddy is very interrested.

Friday 23 September 2011

Bosco is lost

Dis is a very worryin state of affairs. We has lost my dere bruvver Bosco. So far I got at least three thoeries about his disapearrance, which is leavin de poor folks on Damain Thopmson's blogg wivout any spirritaul giudance.

1. He have been taken by de Rapture.

Dis is possible, as we knows dat he is saved. But if so, why was I (Eccles) left behind? I is saved too, aint I? And does dey do pussonal Raptures like dat? Still, it may explane why dese shoes of Boscos is steemin. I fought it was just dat his feet was always hot and smelly.

Boscos shoes

2. He have been eaten by Anti Moly.

My dere Anti have a lean and hunggry look sometimes, and she does eat some strange fings, but I don't fink she can have done dis wikced deed.

Here is my Anti Moly lookin inoccent, as if butter wuoldnt melt in her mouf (in fact dat was just a figger of speech, she have been known to melt lumps of iron in her mouf when she gets reely cross).


3. He is doin somefink holly like saved poeple does.

In his campaing to become de next Pop, Bosco have been tryin very hard to be holly, and maybe he have gone into de willderness. We is grate fans of John de Batpist, and I fink Bosco may have packed hisself a nuorishin food parcel of loccusts and wild honey, so dat he can go away and medittate on de sacred mytseries, viz how many ways are dere of cookin loccusts and honey?

De Calumny Chappel has offered a reward.

$1000 if you finds where Bosco is, and makes sure he stays there.

Here is a pitcher of Bosco as we last saw him. Dont he look so sweet and gentel?
I do hopes he turns up agin soon.

My dere bruvver Bosco

Thursday 22 September 2011

Anti wins a prize

As you all know, my Grate-Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de fammous blogger Cuttley, who she describes as "saintly, piuos, holly and wise, and not like dat clique of traddy Cathlics." Indeed, when Bosco knocked de head off a stateu of St Peter a month ago, she had anuvver head made, so dat she had an iddle of Cuttley to worhsip. Here it is again.

Cuttley iddle

Anyway, de Tellegrahp held a compettition "Complete de folowwin in not more than 12 extra words: 'My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is X X becuase ...' and win a stateu of him or her."

Dat's a real chalenge. Does you go for de meek and humble Delingpol what is always warnin us about crabon emmisions? Perhaps de intelect of Broiny Gorddon is what excites you? Or de beuaty of Mary Riddle? Dere is our old freind Damain Thopmson who has done more dan anyone else allive to warn us about de evil Joanne Hairy. Or perhaps you likes Stephen Huogh what plays de pianner in pubs? Or dere's Nomran Tebit and Daneil Hannann, what knows about currant afairs, what a pity dey never went into politicks. Pussonally, I likes wise old Goeffrey Lean who has been an envroinmental coresspondent for 80 years and knows about de dangers of horseless carraiges.

"I's gonna win dis," said Anti Moly. Dis is what she entered.

"My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is Tom Chivvers becuase he is kind, freindly, cheerfull, cheeky, handsome, sensible, and not a Cathlic."

Anti won, and here is de stattue dat dey has just delivvered. It goes well wiv de stattue of Cuttley.

Tom Chivvers iddle

Of course Tom Chivvers aint saved, but we has high hopes of gettin him to come along to de Calumny Chappel some time, dressed as a clown.

I has just got time to show you a fambly snapp. Dis is my Anti Moly gate crashin de royal weddin of Willaim and Katte, disgiused as a nun (she is de old one wot looks cross). Some time I is gonna have to find out how dis happened. Anti Moly says she was dere incoggnito as a seccret agent to prottect de happy cuople, but it's more likely dat she was simply runnin away from de pollice and took a wrong turning.

Moly at weddin

Tuesday 20 September 2011

Screemin Pops

Well, you may have bin wonderin why my dere bruvver Bosco is keepin a low proffile at present, dats becuase he is busy on his campaing to save de Cathlic churhc by becommin de next Pop. As I explaned, he sent out letters to all de Cradinals wiv dis offer of Salivation:


He aint got many repplies yet, in fact de only one he got back was from someone called Cradinal Sockpope, who he didnt even write to. Dis Cradinal said "Git lost you pathettic sporn of Sattan," which suggests dat he probbably aint gonna vote for Bosco. What's more, we aint sure dat Cradinal Sockpope is a real person, anyway.

Bosco have been usin de resauces of Goggle and Wikkipedia to find out what Pops does when dey aint burnin poeple. He found dis pitcher by a lady called Frances Baccon, which is entittled "Screemin Pop".

Screemin Pop

We fink de Pop is bein drenched in hot water, dat's why he's screemin. Does Pops have to keep dere clothes on when dey takes a shower?

Meanhwile I has made a sclupture of my Anti Moly, which we puts in de gardden to scare away de crows. We dat is saved knows it aint reely an iddle, and so we doesnt kiss it. Come to think of it, de last time I kissed my Anti, she kicked me in de shins, so I doesnt do dat no more niether.

Anti Moly sclupture

My Anti Moly has recorded a disc of her singin songs (she does dat in de bath), and I is advertisin it bellow. De procedes will go to Anti Moly's Gin Fund, which is a charitty aimed at keepin old ladies off de streets.

Don't be worried about de steem commin out of de top of her head, it happens quite often.


Holy Moly



Sunday 18 September 2011

Anti Moly's memiors

Life is very interrestin for my Grate-Anti Moly at present. She is enjoyin her time at de seaside, wiv dem grate oportunitties of meetin new poeple and screemin at dem. As I has alreddy recorded, she is very interrested in Bhuddism, and she says dat she has been many interrestin poeple in previous lives wiv whom she shares many good quallities, viz Ned Kelly, de Witch of Endor, and Lucrezzia Borggia. Dis may explane why Anti Moly hates Cathlics cos frankly dem Borggias got up to some evil fings as you might expect, and she says dem Pops aint changed much since den.

Here is a jolly pitcher of Anti Moly in her Witch of Endor incranation. Frankly she aint changed much. We dat is saved and reads de Bibble knows dat Anti Moly is talking to Sual who is askin to see the spirrit of de profit Sameul. Sameul aint too pleased wiv dis, as when dey puts "Rest in Peace" on your tobmstone dis means dat you doesnt want to be waked up every time some niusance feels like a chat.

Witch of Endor

Since you is probbably readin dis blogg in order to be saved I is happy to explane dis pitcher so dat you can learn somethin usefull.

Anyway, Anti Moly has decidded to write her memiors, which will be facsinatin readin I am sure. I was expectin her to tell about her past career as a seller of haddocks in de fish market (dey calls dem fish wives aldough dey aint really married to fish), and den her later career wiv de Molybendite Minin Company when dey sent her underguond wiv a lamp on her head and a pickaxe, and told her to stop hittin de uvver minors.

I aint got a pitcher of Anti Moly in de mines, but here is a pitcher of a typiccal woman minor. She looks strangley familliar, maybe she is a rellative of ours.

Woman miner

However, Anti Moly have decidded to focuss on de traggic evennts on Damain Thopmson's blogg in June 2010 when she had a fihgt wiv some Cathlics and got banned. "I has only writted about it very breifly on Damain's blogg," she explaned, "and de full story have not yet been told. It will need about 200 pages in my memiors to explane what went on, and how I was not to blame for anything."

Pussonally, I fink I'd rather read about her times as a dancer (she used de stage name Waltzin Mattilda), but Anti Moly is de boss.

I doesnt dare show dis to my bruvver Bosco but dey has made an iddle of Ned Kelly (a previous incranation of Anti Moly), and de face is nearly worn away wiv Cathlics kissin it.

Ned Kelly iddle

You doesnt often see saints wiv guns, dey aint mentoined in de Bibble and so we is all a bit shocked by dis one.

Wednesday 14 September 2011

Moly and Dolly

Bosco he have been very quiet reccently, as he is preparin his campaing for becommin de next Pop. Dis aint as easy as it sounds, as you gotta get lotsa Cradinals to vote for you, and dem Cradinals mostly aint saved. It aint no good havin a fish hat and de right robes if you cant git dem to vote for you. So Bosco he is writtin to all de Cradinals wiv de followin tactfull message:


Dis is a pitcher of a Pop, notice dat he is about to swallow a live birdie. Bosco says he aint never done dat, but he eats pet hamsters sometimes and it cant be much different.

Pop and bird

Anti Moly have been doin more interestin things, as she have decided to become a Bhuddist. Dis is partly becuase she says she was a Haddock in a previous incranation, but more becuase she once met de Dolly Llama and said dat he was nearly as holy as St Cuttley, wot she so admires.

Dis Dolly Llama is very old, it says on Wikkipedia dat he was born in 1391. Anti Moly says she met him in about 1920, when she was a litle girl on holliday in Tibbet. He invited her into de summer pallace and gave her as much gin as she wanted. She says he is straihgtforward, honnest, tollerant and kind, unlike de Pop who didnt even offer her a cup of tea.

I buoght a statue of de Dolly Llama for Anti Moly to kiss, and here it is. But she replied "You is a morron, Eccles." What is I doin wrong?

Dolly Llama

I also fuond dis pitcher of a Bhuddist sittin in a pond which is what Bhuddists likes doin. Dere is someone lookin over his shuolder which at first sihgt looked like Anti Moly but it turns out to be a cobbra. Perhaps it is my Anti Moly in a prevvious incranation.

Bhuddist and cobbra

Friday 9 September 2011

Worshipin fishes

Bosco and me is still down at de seeside, wiv Anti Moly, and Bosco have got a new thoery about de Cathlic churhc wot he read in a commic. Dey is all fish-worshipers, startin wiv dat rotten man Peter who dey fink was someone improtant wiv de keys to Heaven. Dats nonsense for a start as dere is several sets of keys to Heaven, Bosco got a set himself, he buought dem on Ebbay, because he is saved.

At de seeside, dere is lotsa fishes and we wasnt suprised to see some dames in fish hats goin to Mass at de Cathlic churhc.

Fish worshiper

Anti Moly shouted at her: "Traddie sockpoppet! Why cant you be like darlin sweet Cuttley wot I adores so?" De dame was a bit nonnplused but went into de Mass.

Crab worshiper

Dis one also got some powerful religgious cricketism from Anti Moly, viz she frew a gin bottle at her, but it missed.

Bosco was explainin to me dat de Cathlics is all de hares of Doggone, de Babbleonion fish god, and dat de Pop is de worst offender, and he definittely aint saved. Indeed, when dey say preists wears Dog Collars, dey is reely Doggone Collars. Did you ever see a dog wearing a white band like dem cosstume holly men does? Nope. So you sees what I means.

I aint managed to find a pitcher of de Pop worshipin fishes, but here he is in a boat, and dats pretty suspicoius, innit?

Pop gone to worship fish

Bosco have deccided dat de only way to save de Cathlic churhc is for dem to make him de next Pop. We is luanchin our campaing now, BOSCO FOR POP, and we hopes for your support.

De Cathlics is counterattackin and dey says dat Bosco he is also tianted by de fish herressy. I am sure dat dere is a good explannation for dis pitcher of de hotel in which we is all stayin.

Bosco fish